Being a 55 year old, recently (1 year) divorced male, I heavily suffer from the feeling of guilt. I have had sessions with 3 different psycologists, all confirming my ADHD enhanced this feeling, bit none is able to reduce this feeling.
There is this incredible new woman in my life, everytime I meet her I block.
How do you handle the guilty feeling ?
Patrick
I'm a 48 year old, almost as recently divorced (1 year, 8 months) male.
ADHD might be a factor, because of emotional dysregulation, but I believe it's more complex than that.
Other actors likely include:
• Beliefs and values (note: it's possible to have conflicting beliefs and values)
• Self-image
• Past relationships, especially the marriage that came to an end a year ago
• Family history
• Personal support (friends, family)
• Unresolved issues
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If you weren't in favor of the divorce, or if the marriage relationship was tumultuous, then it's more likely that you are holding onto trauma. If so, get therapy for the trauma.
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Do the feelings of guilt bring any thoughts or memories to mind? Do they make your think of you ex, your marriage, or of your wedding vows? Do they make you think of how you were brought up?
Were you the one who filed for divorce? If so, do you feel that it was what needed to be done?
If you weren't the one who filed for divorce, if you wanted to stay married, do you feel like you really tried all you could to keep the marriage together?
Guilt is often tied to regret. It's common to experience regrets of what we did to, and what we didn't. Address the regrets, and the guilt might lift.
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Take the time to understand why you feel the way you feel... And then it's okay to question it. Sometimes feelings are misplaced. Sometimes they are a misguided attempt to protect ourself (our heart) from more hurt.
You might find that you have some work to do.
Or, you might find that you're being held back by an irrational fear, and the thing to do is to face the fear.
You don't know what will happen with the new person unless you take a chance. Life is risky. Love is risky.
But what might you have to gain? Validation, love, new memories, and happiness?
If you don't take the risk, do you feel like you will regret it?
When you feel it's worth the risk, you might find that you can do things you never expected, take a chance that could have a huge reward.
I'm confused. What do you feel guilty about? Getting diagnosed actually made me feel less guilty about all my struggles. What exactly is the guilt feeling?
I’m also not sure what you feel guilty about. The divorce?
Mistakes?
I was diagnosed in my fifties and having a lifetime of mistakes and missed opportunities (mixed in with successes but that kind of makes the mistakes, etc feel worse).
I’m still struggling, at times, with putting it all behind me but being aware of how ADHD impacted those things definitely helps - as opposed to them being about how I’m a bad person or whatever other label we (or others) want to put on it/us.
That doesn’t mean I don’t accept responsibility but can understand and do better going forward. It definitely requires working hard to manage my adhd because otherwise it’s too easy to keep repeating those things.
Maybe that has some similarities to your situation, or not.
Feelings of guilt and shame are extremely common in ADHD. I've suffered with it all my life, but only just got my diagnosis at age 39. The most helpful thing about the diagnosis for me was finally being able to stop blaming myself and start blaming the condition. It's not something that happens automatically - I still have to work at recognising when I'm feeling "ADHD shame" but I find it helps to take a step back and remind myself that it's not me, it's the ADHD.
Speaking with an incredible new woman in your life is particularly difficult, I'll admit. The best advice I can give is that when you see her you should just talk to her and be yourself, without reading too much into things. If she likes you, then at least if you've been your true self you'll know she likes the real you. My technique for dealing with the "what if I'm being a creep" thoughts is to start with a simple "good morning, how are you" greeting then wait and see if she sticks around to continue the conversation. If she doesn't, don't take it personally - people have bad days and don't always want to talk. I've personally spent way too much time wallowing in the "oh my god, she hates me" stage, but more often or not I haven't done anything wrong and it's just my ADHD reading the signs incorrectly. Best not to dwell on past interactions, and just remain friendly and available for conversation. Don't blame yourself if you get it wrong - no-one is ever judging you as harshly as you judge yourself!
Guilt and shame are big for everyone not just us ADHD people. Being aware of what you think you did to be guilty and why you feel the shame is the key to getting past it. The part that is the killer for ADHD is our ruminating thoughts. We somehow can’t remember where we put the last thing we had in our hand but can let the guilt and shame of an event years ago replay for years. It does no good only takes up brain energy and our ability to focus on the here and now. I am using the CBT method to work through some issues and it seems to be helpful. I write out my thoughts on the event then ask myself how my thoughts, actions and feelings are leading to the shame then write out how I can either see in a different way to take away the guilt. It also helps to know if the shame is based on unrealistic expectations based upon others values.
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