Point Of Happiness

[BunnyJen90]

I just don't see the point of happiness. Maybe it's because most of my happy memories are very vague. Also whenever I'm happy these days I get really energetic and people start thinking I'm ADHD. However, when I was sad in the past I would get attention from my parents. I have vague memories of feeling happy but being calm instead of energetic like I usually am but can't remember much. The memory is so vague that it often feels like my imagination. I have tried to remember more before but something seems to be keeping me from remembering more. Maybe it's time I make new happy memories but I just don't see the point of happiness that much these days. What is the point of happiness if whenever I'm happy I'm usually really energetic to the point it freaks others out.

[BlessedLady]

It sounds like you need to see a Psychologist. Psychiatrists medicate and most psychologists do not. If a psychologist thinks a patient would benefit from medication. They usually have a psychiatrist they work with. They can also recommend seeing a psychiatrist in addition to them..

[BunnyJen90 in reply to BlessedLady]

Maybe I need to ask about adjusting my medications but I feel ashamed that if I don't take my medications I get really depressed and anxious.

[BlessedLady in reply to BunnyJen90]

You did not say you were prescribed medication. You need to talk with your doctor. There is nothing wrong with needing medication.

[STEM_Dad in reply to BunnyJen90]

You don't need to feel ashamed.

Medications are supposed to help us, but there's no way to know before we take them how they will affect us. Sometimes medications don't work the way they are supposed to. Sometimes they do, but have side effects.

Your treatment relies on communication between you and your healthcare team (whoever that consists of...doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist/therapist, etc.).

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Did you used to be able to remember happy times in your life clearly?

Not everyone does.

I do, even going back to 4½ years old. I don't remember every happy time, and the ones I do remember aren't all very clear.

• A lot of my happy memories are muddled together (like most of my birthdays as a kid), and only certain ones are distinct.

• I remember random bits of my life clearly (the good, the bad, and even some of the ordinary).

• The majority of my life exists in my memory as a narrative story. I can tell the story, but I can't remember many of the details... just the ones that stand out.

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What's the point of happiness when you seem to others like you're ADHD? Well, since this is an ADHD forum, I presume that you're here because you do have ADHD.

I say that you should be yourself. Don't try to close yourself off from happiness because other people are weirded out by your energy, enthusiasm , or spontaneity. Just because they don't hear the same music, doesn't mean that you shouldn't dance to it.

If there are other psychological or behavioral issues that are concerning, then do get help. If your medication seems to limit your ability to recall memories or feel happiness, then inform your doctor ASAP!

But if you think that people think you're weird, they probably will in any case.

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Be yourself.

Years before I first began to understand what ADHD is, I fell in love with a girl who was spontaneous and energetic. We were friends (occasionally dating, but most of the time I was in the "friend zone"). I fell in love with her for who she is, quirks and all, and wanted to marry her. I had to be patient, to wait and see how things would turn out between... and then she finally married me.

(But before she did, I got to know the brokenness that she'd been hiding all those years, she told me of the traumatic childhood she'd had, the struggles she'd lived with all her life. She thought it would scare me away, but it caused me to realize just how much I loved her, and I accepted every quirk and scar and flaw that made her who she was, in addition to everything that I found to be attractive about her.)

.....

I wish it was a "happily ever after" story, but it's not. After 20 years of marriage, 4 kids, and going thought a lot of good and bad things of life together, she fell for someone else, had an affair, and divorced me.

So, now I bear my own scars, my own hurtful memories, and right now I find it hard to be happy sometimes. But I still love her, along with every every quirk and scar and flaw. I've forgiven her. We've moved on. But I miss having that spontaneous and spunky nature of hers.

Now, I find a lot of happiness in my time with my kids. And, I'm learning better how to appreciate the things I like about myself, and am starting to be happy with who I am.

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People should be loved and accepted for who they are. If you derive happiness from causing people pain, angst, or suffering... then get professional help. If your pursuit of happiness is causing others sorrow, then stop and consider what you're doing (as I wish my wife had done before diving headlong into an affair), and get any help that's needed.

But otherwise, happiness is meant to be appreciated, wherever it may be found. If anyone has a problem with you just being happy...well then they've got issues of their own.

There are a lot of (non-destructive) things that people do to find happiness. I don't like to dance, but I like that others do. I don't parties or clubs, but I've got nothing against others having a good time at them.

Be yourself. Be your genuine, best self.

[BunnyJen90 in reply to STEM_Dad]

I'm not entirely sure what is blocking the happy memory. I don't remember much because it was a really really long time ago. I never thought it could be the meds but maybe. They do seem to numb my emotions so I guess it's possible. I would like to be myself but whenever I am myself others start labeling me as Autistic and ADHD and I know from experience others don't think very highly of those with autism and ADHD. Also constantly being told I'm ADHD and autistic just fills my head with doubts.

[STEM_Dad in reply to BunnyJen90]

I don't have autistic traits, but I clearly have ADHD (the inattentive type). But since the time I got diagnosed, I just accepted it, embraced it.

I've discovered over the last dozen years (starting well before my ADHD diagnosis) that I tend to become friends with people who have ADHD &/or autism. It may be because I see them as kindred spirits. It may be because I see them as other social misfits. I just like them, and am comfortable in their company, while I notice that neurotypical people seem to keep the same people at a distance.

(I have mild-to-moderate ADHD. I socialize well with people who are neurotypical, and masked as neurotypical fairly well, unless you worked closely enough with me to notice that I keep struggling with the same things, all due to my Inattentive traits.)

[Mamamichl in reply to BunnyJen90]

I wasn’t diagnosed adhd until 38, and they said they were on the fence for autistic as well. I work in special education, and it seems people are more forgiving for asd than adhd. Researching those conditions may help you embrace your conditions, like in podcasts or audiobooks. I watch adhd love and how to adhd. These help me realize the good parts of my conditions (we think outside the box, we are chill in emergency situations, etc.). In interviews, I like to call my positive symptoms my superpowers.

My partner and I both take meds for adhd and anxiety. We have had to get to the point of saying that even if it’s expensive, no more than one of us will be without our anxiety meds at any given time. We both know we act like monsters if we don’t have them. I have had major bad side effects to some of my anxiety meds (Prozac made me have suicidal ideations, for example). Definitely openly talk to you r prescribing doctor about these concerns next time you talk to them. If you regularly forget your meds, tell your doc too. There are options like medication patches that last a week and even shots that work for 3+ months for things I never knew (my brother has the shot for his bipolar).

Another thing that may help you, is to write a daily journal or start listing out good and bad memories, or even going through old pictures/memory boxes if you have them. With adhd, we definitely tend to focus on the negative. Maybe writing about your favorite birthday cake and why it’s your favorite. Draw a pic of it if you can. It takes time to practice your brain into thinking about positives, but working on it seems to be the way to go.

[BunnyJen90 in reply to Mamamichl]

Like I said before what happy memories I have were really long ago that I can vaguely remember. It's so vague that it feels like it's all my imagination sometimes. I doubt drawing or writing about the memories will help any. And after the way people have treated me because of adhd and autism I just don't see the good of it. Besides most people just don't think highly of disabled people no matter what and I know this from experience.

[Mamamichl in reply to BunnyJen90]

I get that. I’ve been written up many times and even scolded when I said it was my disability. It’s discrimination, really. Maybe what may help is to make a happy memory, even if only a small one. Order an ice cream you wouldn’t usually for its price, or maybe have a good conversation with a friend to check up on them rather than to complain? Little things can be good memories too, and we need to try to focus on them rather than the bad.

I’m homeless rn with my family, but I’m focusing on what good friends I have, helping me through this tough time.

[BunnyJen90 in reply to Mamamichl]

My mind has a way of remembering the bad things then the good. Doesn't help that I seem to like sadness and part of it is because I would get attention from my parents when upset as a kid.

[STEM_Dad in reply to BunnyJen90]

The amygdala is a part of the brain that reacts to bad stimuli. (It's a key part of the fight-or-flight system.) This is necessary for our survival, but for people with ADHD, the amygdala tends to have too much influence, just as the prefrontal cortex (PFC) has too little influence.ADHD medications improve activity in the PFC.

Add to that the fact that the majority of people with ADHD also have comorbidities, such as anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, OCD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or others...and we've got a lot going on.

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I hear you about sadness getting attention as a kid. There's a saying that "children learn what they live." As children, our brains are extremely malleable (termed"neuroplasticity"), and so we become programmed by our own brains to believe and behave in certain ways.

For me, it was sympathy-seeking. I was well into my 20s when I realized that I'd taken the same sympathy-seeking tendencies from my childhood into adulthood.

The good news is that as adults, we retain neuroplasticity...just not as much as we had as kids.

For the last 20 years, I've been on guard against my sympathy-seeking pattern. Sometimes I slip into it unconsciously. Sometimes I allow it in a limited way. But I've been gradually developing more of a mindset of self-reliance, self-efficacy, and as a result I've even developed a bit more self-confidence than I used to have. (Not a lot of confidence, but I'll take any improvement.)

We are each inherently capable of being happy or sad or angry, or any of the myriad of other emotions.

Our brains strengthen the most-used nerve pathways, and allow rarely-used pathways to weaken. This process happens gradually. It takes practice & persistence.

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It is important to do what you can to try to improve your own quality of life and life experience. You are able to make a lot of choices in your life about what you do and who you do it with. Even in the midst of

Still, there are likely root causes that you need professional help with (doctor or psychiatrist for health & medication support, psychologist or therapist or counselor for talk therapy & other treatment). Some conditions are very persistent, or even might require lifelong treatment. But that doesn't mean that you are beyond help.

Life can get better.

[LisethHIS]

Hello BunnyJen90, 

Thank you for contacting CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD. Based on your post I would recommend seeing your psychologist or psychiatrist. They would be able to make any adjustment to your medication if needed. Also here is a link to see if there's a support group around your area. chadd.org/affiliate-locator/

if you need to speak with anyone immediately contact 988 on your phone. It's the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 988lifeline.org/

If you have further questions, please let us know. We are here to help!

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD 

chadd.org 

[Jay_B]

Your post is very interesting and here are my thoughts based on my own experience. The reason we may not remember happiness is because it is a state of calmness, peacefulness and stillness. On the other hand what energizes us mostly is pleasure (or the pursuit of it) and ambitious goals. Its difficult to pursue happiness because we do not know what causes it (though research seems to point to meaningful relationships) and the emotion is subtle. So I normally substitute happiness with another word: contentment. If you are content or satisfied with your life, you will be mostly happy. If one is constantly seeking something, then one is clearly not content and looking for quick ways to feel good.

(Note: I do not have ADHD but someone close to me has it. My reply is not specifically related to ADHD diagnosis or treatment.)

[BunnyJen90 in reply to Jay_B]

I don't know why I don't feel content. Maybe it's like I said I'm afraid to feel content and happy because usually when I am I get energetic and others think I'm ADHD. Also maybe doesn't help that I have no friends due to low self esteem always getting in the way.

[Mamamichl in reply to BunnyJen90]

It’s quite normal to focus on the negative I’ve as a human. I’m still focusing on my ptsd that happened 20-30 years ago at times and got triggered yesterday in a ptsd training for educators. Medication and meditation have helped me, but also making myself write down 3 things that were good each day does too. It takes practice to change our thought processes. I’m nowhere near perfect, but I’ve made a ton of progress.

When I was a young adult (teens and 20’s), I cared about what other people thought of me. I just turned 40. I’m now able to think more big picture and not have other peoples opinions of me bug me as much, but it’s taken a lot to get where I am. I explain my behaviors to people before they see them and although most are weirded out, there are a few that care, help and stay around. Sometimes if I tell them, I ask if they want me to give space or if they will be ok with it. My partner is one of the people who are on with it, but I didn’t meet him until I was 28.

Sometimes if I know I may be excited or “weird” around people, I excuse myself or even tense up to stave off the weird behavior, then do it in the bathroom. But that’s not because I’m worried what they would think, but because I don’t want to push them away.

[Jay_B]

Maybe the first step is to work on your self-esteem. Next could be to find genuine friends who are supportive. Like I said, you can't feel happy and content, you have to be happy and content. And in order to do that, find out what's coming in the way and try and fix it. It's not easy. Wish you the very best.

[Mamamichl]

I feel this. Most people don’t like my energetic happy either. We are so animated. My partner just chuckles and is happy for me. Maybe communicate to people how you act when happy? Maybe talk to a counselor how to react in a more socially acceptable way? It’s totally hard, tbh, but we need to either find someone that understands or stave it in a way that works.

When I get anxious, is when people freak out more for me. I finally found a friend that listened to me sayi was having anxiety, ansked me what I usually do to handle my annxiety (problem solve) and helped me do my calming strategy rather than judge. It’s so refreshing when you have good people that want to help rather than judge. I did notice less judgement happens more in Michigan than it did in Oregon, if that matters

[BunnyJen90]

Strange you mention Michigan as I was born there I have had thoughts of moving back but kind of thinking I wouldn't like it even if I have family there.