Understanding but not when the time comes

[mobius171]

Scenario: you and your partner have a bad fight about something you did that wasn't very nice. After talking it over it, you come to an understanding about what you did wrong and understanding why it's bad, I promise not to do it again. When the time comes, you do the same bad thing again. But in the moment it's like you're surprised you did, or don't understand again why the action wasnt nice.

Does anyone else experience this?

[Gettingittogether]

Changing our behavior is hard. For everyone. And people with ADHD have bad working memories--meaning we don't call up the information we need in the moment as well as other people do.

But to give you some decent feedback, I need more specific detail. Look there is no embarrassment on this forum., so you might as well get specific. Otherwise, you could be talking about taking out the trash or where you set down your golf clubs or how you talk to your partner in a conflict.

[STEM_Dad]

It's great that you and your partner talked it over and came to an understanding.

However, change is not easy. Change takes time and effort. Simply promising to respond differently than before doesn't guarantee that you will, even if you want to with your whole being.

When we are small children, we tend to act impulsively our parents and teachers take on the role of teaching us and guiding us, to help us develop socially and intellectually.

For all people, there is a faster response time from the senses to the amygdala, an emotional center for the brain. (The amygdala is like an early warning system. It's associated with powerful emotions, like fear and surprise, and is responsible for the fight-or-flight response.)

Research suggests that many people with ADHD have a heightened response to the amygdala, just like we have an inhibited response to the prefrontal cortex (PFC). But the PFC is responsible for self-control and decision making. (ADHD medication helps to improve activity in the prefrontal cortex.)

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So, what can you do about you reaction to your partner? Lots of things, actually!

But you have to be intentional, you have to be consistent, and you may need the help of an expert in behavioral therapy (aka Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT).

I've found that practicing mindfulness and CBT techniques that I've learned has helped me to pause when I get triggered. (It doesn't work every time, but I'm less emotionally reactive than I used to be.)

I've also learned that making a values-based decision ahead of time helps to respond better to potentially-compromising situations.

• I somehow happened upon this when I was 14. At that age, I decided that I would never smoke, I would never become alcoholic or drug-addicted, and I would not get tattoos.*

• I've also found that it helps to think in terms of WHEN-THEN..."WHEN 'X' happens, THEN I will do 'Y'."

>For you, think of the situation in which you reacted in a way that you now regret. Think about the way you would want to respond instead. Tell yourself, "when X happens, I will do 'Y'." => Make sure to rehearse this in your mind, picture the scene like you're watching it as an observer. (Coach yourself with kindness and acceptance.)

{I believe "When-Then" works better than "If-Then", because 'if' is an uncertainty, but 'when' is more of a certainty. I also use the "When-Then" method to remember things, like "When I go to the store, I will remember to get milk, bread and eggs." It works for me more often than not.}

*(I've been able to resist temptation to start smoking or use recreational substances, I only drink occasionally and rarely ever enough to get drunk, and I still don't have any tattoos. However, my values assessment of tattoos did change, and now I appreciate others tattoos, and I've been considering getting one for a few years now.)