Being with people

[Revbill]

Hi folks,

This is just a small thing I was thinking about today. I was wondering if my discomfort in going to visit tourist attractions was partially due to ADHD??? I don't feel comfortable sometimes in social settings where there are many people especially if there is not a lot of space. Also, visiting tourist attractions doesn't really appeal to me and I find it very draining/tiring. It used to make me feel that something was wrong with me, especially if it is seen as a family activity and I don't go. I don't feel like that so much now because I am much more accepting of myself and what I like instead of feeling bad about not joining in with them. I am wondering what other people's experience is.

[Wasted71years]

Hi Revbill

Well, that happened to me. My self image, blaming all my past behaviors on laziness, character flaws and other negatives meant that I was certain that if any stranger met me and saw who I really was, they would dislike me the same way I disliked my inner core.

Add to that the rejection sensitivity and it was a formula that made me very uncomfortable in crowds of strangers or in parties where I didn't know almost everyone. I had to mask and was sure that most of the people wouldn't like me if I tried, so I didn't.

It is only with awareness of ADHD I could change that. I can now reshape how I see myself, thus truly believe that more people than not would like me if they saw through the mask. I dropped the masking. I am much more natural and reach out now to strangers. I don't feel uncomfortable in big crowds of strangers like I used to.

[STEM_Dad]

There's nothing wrong with the way that you feel about social situations like tourist traps. You are just as important as the other people in your family, friendships, and other relationships, and so you ought to be able to express your needs, wants, likes and dislikes with equal consideration. (That means that there ought to be give and take, live and let live, agree to disagree equal consideration.)

-----

First of all, ADHD isn't actually due to an attention deficit, but is more correctly understood as having an interest-based attention capacity. Situations which aren't interesting for us may seem boring, or downright uncomfortable. Think about the hyperactive kid who is told to sit still, but they can't. It's in the same vein as that.

It may not be directly tied to ADHD, but ADHD very often comes along with other neurodivergent conditions.

It may be a sensory issue. Many people with ADHD have Sensory Sensitivity, Sensory Processing Disorder, or identify as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). (I started to identify as an HSP before I even got diagnosed with ADHD.)

It may be an introverted trait. It's not an either-or state that people are either introverted or extroverted, it's a spectrum. Each person has their own unique combination of introversion AND extroversion traits. So perhaps your own introvert traits make you not like certain types of social situations, like tourist traps.

Some people with ADHD are also on the autism spectrum, which often includes a discomfort or awkwardness in social situations.

Another frequent tagalong with ADHD is anxiety, which can take different forms. Social anxiety is one particular form which affects a lot of people, and might only apply for a person in particular situations. One person might only experience social anxiety around a lot of strangers (such as at a tourist trap), while another might only feel it when around a lot of people that they know (like the kid who knows everyone at high school and loves to dance in their room alone, but can't bust a move at the school dance because they feel anxious*).

*{No, I was not that kid... I'm a highly-sensitive introvert who had all kinds of social anxiety as a kid, and still have some social anxiety as an adult, ... Plus, I just don't dance, except for emotes in Fortnite.}

[STEM_Dad in reply to STEM_Dad]

As a parent, when I take my kids to visit a new place, I try to talk it up based on their interests. Sometimes, one of my kids doesn't seem really interested, but then has a good time after all. As parents, we try to do what we consider will be a good overall experience for the family.

When I was a kid, I loved going to the beach and going camping. Now, I don't like going to the beach and camping always seems like a lot of work. I do it, because my family (my kids) like it. But I do it less than they all want to, because I have to psych myself up to it.

I've known outdoorsy people who go camping as often as possible, and in my youth as a Boy Scout, that's the life I envisioned. But, that's not the type of person that I grew up to be.

So, I do my best to understand my family members, their likes and dislikes. I realize that they change over time (sometimes faster than I can keep up).

* Now that I'm a single dad, not trying to please my wife all the time, so I'm more in tune to my kids. I'm not perfect at it...but I'm better than I was.

[Revbill in reply to STEM_Dad]

thanks so much for your responses... it really does help to understand. I am just discovering this whole new world of who I am and realizing that thingthings I took for granted that were wrong or abnormal about me aren't at all but part of who I am. That is tremendously freeing...

[Knitting20projects]

I think working towards self acceptance is both really important for contentment and also very hard in the US. I live in a state with many outdoor activities and have 2 kids who have zero interest in doing them(1 can’t hike on trails because she has muscle weakness etc). I’ve had to realize my life will never be the sports & extracurricular activities other families do, and that’s ok. I’m definitely a bookworm and coffee shop person more than a hiker anyway! And I would much rather meet 1 close friend for brunch than go to a big party. Ive finally decided I’m an introvert and it’s ok.

[NiceUp]

A great part of learning to understand my own trigger points, like discomfort in crowds or noisy areas, is applying that to others. My teen son also has ADHD and his discomfort in those situations is even stronger. I take that into account whenever we plan an activity. It doesn't always mean not doing something, but maybe having a quick escape plan when things get too much.