Making friends (being too perfectionistic?)

[saartje123]

Hi, I'm a student and 21 years old. I'm trying to make friends but I'm extremely picky. When I think someone is boring or weird or makes me feel uncomfortable, I already want to distance myself from them. In high school it was very different and I could talk to everyone about everything (but then I still felt insecure because I wasn't really close to everyone). I think what I want is closeness with people, make actual good relations but I feel like I'm too intense/ask too much if I do like someone (and then I still always see their flaws very clearly). Also people I have gotten close to, their flaws stand out so much to me.

I don't know what this means but I do know my ADHD is a factor in me not being able to feel as close to people as I want to. I'm wondering: does anyone else with ADHD feel like they don't like anyone around them? And also, I have big rejection sensitivity so when people show a little bit that they don't like me, I'm already done with them and wanna ditch them. I'm very quick to ditch people and get bored from people easily... But I still want connection!

Also I find it hard to know when something is a real connection or not. Because the first time I meet someone I always feel immediately very close to that person and after getting to know them more, the more I see their flaws and the more I want to ditch them...

What's also part of my problem is that I forget who I actually like, who I feel good with.. so if I'm not with anyone, I feel extremely lonely and like I don't have a purpose in life. And the weird thing is that the people I can feel good with are mostly such random people that I've only met once.

[Iside]

It’s called part of growing up!!! No one is perfect, we all have flaws, so look always for the positive & unless the flaws are humongous accept them. Cheers

[If-love-were-all]

My daughter is 32 now and has struggled with this. Her close relationships have been few and she is highly critical of people. She is ADHD, mostly impassive, and also has rejection sensitivity. She often feels let down, even betrayed. But she looks for perfection in others less as she's gotten older mostly because she has worked on herself so much. Lots of reading about her condition. Therapy. CBT in particular. This work has meant her own behaviour is more moderate, more understanding. Meanwhile, for any of us, neurodivergent or not, we often can't develop strong friendships without some common work or play as a starting point, something to build on as you work on common challenges. Is there some passion or volunteer work you could pursue at least part time to see who is out there with common interests? Anything really, a community choir, a team sport, packing food for the homeless, helping at an animal shelter. Doing things for others in particular will bring you into contact with folks who are more likely to be kind and open. And don't overlook "meet ups" or groups of folks who are also ADHD. And don't be too hard on yourself. You have a lot of challenges and if you can meet them with patience and humor, folks will be attracted to that.

[KatK333 in reply to If-love-were-all]

This is beautiful advice! Patience, humor and I would add curiosity. If you think of each experience from the point of view of an explorer and every relationship or encounter is a learning experience it helps. Judging is a shut down response and curiosity is opening your mind.

[KatK333]

I have struggled with the same issues and If-love-were-all gave excellent advice already!

I'm 38 and just starting (after years of therapy and self-work) to be able to notice in real-time when my reactions to people are overly harsh or veering into black-and-white thinking territory. I'm also getting better at noticing when RSD is making me overanalyze and see rejection cues that aren't really there.

Common interests are huge and now I actively look for niche friends who are into whatever I'm currently interested in hobby-wise or work in similar industries etc.

The thing I would add here is that perspective is key, in two ways:

1) With people you find yourself judging, try to "zoom out" and see that person as a whole and understand that everyone has their own unique struggles and seasons of growth throughout life. A good way to feel empathy instead of judging is to think about how they might have formed whatever belief or habit is irritating you, remember everyone is a product of their life experiences. Turning judgment into curiosity can help! Just because they may have an opinion or habit you don't like, try not to let it define how you see them overall.

2) Do everything you can to take pressure off of individual relationships. It helps if you have diversified your social needs over several different types of friendships. If you go into meeting new people expecting nothing but a few pleasant encounters and a casual acquaintance, then it's a lovely surprise when one of those casual relationships grows into a real close friendship.

Also not to sound cheesy, but don't give up! Real connection is worth sifting through some less comfortable encounters much like with dating. And don't feel like once you make a great friend they have to be your lifetime bestie. We live in a world where people move around and life changes fast and most people aren't the same from decade to decade but there are always new connections to be made.

[Tim_Othy]

I understand your feelings, as I can relate with some of what you have said. I like being alone and need that time for me. When I go out, I talk to people with the idea that I want to understand them, so instead of telling them about me, I ask about them. People usually love to talk about themselves. After listening to them and supporting them and sharing when appropriate, they think highly of me, they were heard.

Smile. I have a theory that most people are lonely and appreciate the acknowledgment. The people that you smile and nod at will that you better.

How you feel about others and the ditching gig, is your issue. Maybe decide whether it is worth being around others or being alone is most important to you. I like both, I seem very extroverted when out, but in fact I like time alone mostly. You can dial that ratio into what is most comfortable for you.

Judging others is a habit that might be good to break. I suspect that if you are hard on others, you are harder on yourself. Be kind to yourself and kind to others. Relax and appreciate others, you ain’t perfect either. Peace