I am a 27 year old female and have been in a loving relationship for a little over 4 years now. My boyfriend is the sweetest most caring, sensitive, compassionate, and empathetic person I’ve ever been with. He knows I suffer from pretty severe adhd and he tries so hard to help me stay focused and happy. I have a very hard time getting out of the house and doing things to help better myself on my own. My boyfriend pushes me to do things I enjoy everyday but when I do fun things without him I end up forgetting about the feelings and love I have for him (if that makes sense). For example: A new friend of mine asked if I wanted to hangout a few weeks ago to go thrift shopping- I got so incredibly excited that someone actually wanted to hangout with me. I ended up hanging out with her and had such a fun day. When my partner came home from work I immediately went into a funk and cried on and off all night like I wasn’t excited to see him. This happens just about every time I do something fun without him. Two days ago I had the whole day off and decided to go on a very long solo bike ride, after riding 50 miles I stumbled upon an adorable farmers market- I was having the best day ever! I decided to call my partner and told him meet me at the farmers market when he got done with work to experience the happiness with me. When he arrived it’s almost like I blacked out and I immediately got into a bad mood and started bawling my eyes out. I feel terrible for him when this happens and it’s out of my control.
What is wrong with me??
Written by
TimoneRafiki
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Your post is interesting in that you recognize all of the good qualities of your boyfriend, but don't seem to see any in yourself! In the instances you're writing about, you are having fun experiences alone or with a different friend. Nothing to be sad or upset about. Good to have individual experiences.
When you see or call your boyfriend afterwards, it's almost as though you are feeling guilty for having fun without him?! Is that true, or am I not seeing things well? It is good to have these positive experiences without him, because it helps you to grow new relationships and add more dimensions to yourself!! Afterall, we don't always wish to be joined at the hip do we? Cooking everything together? Brushing teeth together? Gargling our mouthwash in the mornings together? Urinating together? No, no, there needs to be a bit of independence and self time/ space.
Obviously, your boyfriend of 4 years sees a lot of good stuff in you to stick around for this period of time! And the fact that you contacted him to come and enjoy the farmers market means you want to share the good times too? Is that how you felt?
Sounds like you're needing some meditation to relax. I also react emotionally when I am anxious and unsure of how my partner is perceiving me, the situation, and so on. I over-react sometimes to these situations and try to calm myself down. My favorite channel for guided meditation is "The mindful movement". I experience what's called "cognitive dissonance" when I'm projecting what I think is happening onto my partner. Later, when we discuss it, he will let me know that was NOT how he was thinking or feeling. Staying calm, doing the breathing exersizes helps me tremendously! Start slow, do the meditations and breathing; it does help and things will improve.
Be kinder to yourself! (I say that, but I have a very strong critic in my brain that can be just vicious if I let it- so keep telling yourself good and positive thoughts). One of my favorite mantras is "I am worthy. I am loveable, and I am enough!"
A couple of books that I think are very useful:
1) Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Russell Barkley and Christine Benton (2nd Edition) It is broken out into Chapters addressing areas of concerne
2) ADHD 2,0 New Science.... by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey
Also, 30 min workout everyday...Yes that's right..EVERY day is super useful for us ADHD'ers.. the movement and endorphins helps us to focus and feel better, more positive every day. Don't neglect this aspect of your life.
I've now posted a VERY, very L-O-N-G answer, but I hope it helps you out. Do not stress out so much about this, you're just going through a rougher time right now. Always feel good about expanding your horizons and friendship.
A mind trick to help ... When I see my sweetheart first thing, remember to smile, a hug/ kiss something to be happy about- being together. Start your day off on a positive note.
Yes, we all argue, fuss/ fight but if we can attempt to compromise and recognize that we still want to be here with our loves, then some things are NOT worth getting worked up about.
GatsbyCat, I can’t even begin to tell you how much your response has helped me this week. 😌♥️ I definitely go through phases where my emotions get the best of me. I am very grateful to have a safe space to share my thoughts and feelings to like minded people. I’ve been getting up early to exercise, stopped at Barnes and Noble to pick up those books, and most importantly-I have been speaking nicely to myself. I certainly don’t give myself enough credit for how truly great (and badass) I am!
Thank you x1000!!!
PS- I am a HUGE cat lover so it was destined for you to respond to my post 😉
Thanks TimoneRafiki for your kind response! I'm a cat lover too, and I use a photo of my cat for my picture. Hope that my super long reply is helping you.
And, as the other two responders say below, it's important that your person is the "one for you". Only you know if that is the case. Listen to how you feel when you're together and when you're apart. Are you secure and happy?
And, fyi, my fiance knows all about my ADHD and does actively support me. He is the one btw, who encouraged me to get therapy to help deal with those issues. It's important for us to know that even our "person" can not fulfill every single wish/desire. I personally need a few good female friends to "vent" to and connect with. Having different interests also gives you something new to bring to the relationship. So don't be afraid to explore those areas as well.
Glad you got those books, I thought that they were both helpful and positive. I also like how the one by Barkely broke things into smaller steps. Made it easier to do stuff.
Keep going, sounds like you are doing good, positive things. Life is so much happier if we choose happiness. Some very smart person said that, but I can not remember their name at the moment..lol...
Hi TimoneRafiki , hope you're doing well. I would like to thank you for sharing your experience openly with us - and want to share that I also experience something very very similar. So no good advise will come from my reply, only just sharing my perspective, so maybe we get even more recommendations...
I love that Tim_Othy and GatsbyCat both shared different perspective - I found the reply from Tim a little triggering, because deep down, I also feel he/she/they might be right in a way.
It's almost like there were three voices in my head...
First one often thinks "Well if I'm not able to relax and be happy with him in moments like this, it might be the wrong relationship...". However, I've been in really terribly damaging relationships in the past and I can recognize this one relationship helped me grow and take better care of myself. Maybe the problem, is that I put my partner on a pedestal at the begining of the relationship, and relied a little too much on him / his way of perceiving the world and taking care of himself...etc., trying to apply this to my life, when utlimately, we are both such different people and have different needs.
So, the second voice in my head will tell me that I'm just trying to damage what's good for me and that I should be "working on myself" to make things work better. This leads me to trying hard to be better in the relationship - with a tint of judgement (that I try to tame) on myself, because "I'm the one that's problematic with my ADD...etc.".
Third voice, is telling me I'm really scared of being alone - scared that "choosing myself" will destroy everything I have built with him so far, and I'll end up alone with no structure at all. Almost like I was scared of "my potential" because that energy can be equally thrilling, but also brought me in the past into really damaging situations (too much alcohol, bad relationships...etc.)
Anyhow, not sure how much this adds to the conversations - also unsure if that has any link to ADD ... but really curious to hear more people share similar experiences and different perspectives !
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