Masking

[Missmarlo]

My husband has no empathy or compassion for my lifelong struggle with ADHD. My symptoms became much worse once we have our children, and recently came to the realization that I have been masking for years with my husband. I can’t be authentic or venerable with him, because he just doesn’t want to hear about it. But is exhausting. I don’t know what to do? I am so sad, and lost.

[FoxInTheForest]

Lately I have been feeling the same way about my husband. He has been very frustrated for many years with me because he doesn't see any change and so to him it seems like I don't care and don't want to change and that hurts him deeply. I wish he could understand that there is a difference between not caring enough to change, and desperately wanting to change but not knowing how and not knowing where to even start or what questions to ask google to get going in the right direction.

Both of us reached a big crisis in our marriage just the other day. We were able to fight but then talk through it and we both realized that we have become only able to see the negative in each other and ignore the positives and things we love about each other.

We are Christians and God's word says that he hates divorce, and we don't even really want that anyway. We just both want the hurt to stop. And so we resolved to try to work it out and remember to love one another and notice positives.

It's only been a couple of years since I discovered that I was neurodiverse, kind of by accident and then by tons of research. I don't have any formal diagnosis. But at first I noticed through much research that I met The criteria for having autism but I didn't know that I also meet the criteria for ADHD until just a couple of weeks ago. I learned about the executive function disorder through an ad I saw on Facebook and I saw that that described me to a tee! It was a godsend to find that because I didn't understand why life was so hard for me and I was failing when everybody else seemed to be able to do it so easy.

But for a long time I thought that was just part of the autism because that can affect executive functions too. But now that I have more fully researched ADHD and realize what the criteria for a diagnosis is, I realized that it describes me.

So the problem with my relationship is that I've been trying to be a better housekeeper and homeschooler and things like that, but I've only been doing that by "trying harder", this vague concept that was giving me nowhere and bringing no change. Because I wasn't actually changing any habits, I was just thinking maybe I could work faster or something.

But now I'm trying to absorb any information I can find online about how to manage my time and how to prioritize tasks and things like that, and I think I have noticed a difference in my life. But it's a small difference that my husband can't see yet. And he got so done with me that he gave up that I would ever change. And he was hopeless about it.

Since our blow up and discussion over the last couple of days, he seems to be softening to it and once again willing to help me. But in the past I was stubborn and I said that his ideas wouldn't work. And so I had to resolve to listen to him and not fight and to do what he says to see if it makes a difference.

So really we both have a lot to work on. He has a lot of anger, but I have a lot of stubbornness and argumentativeness. And so together it really is a recipe for disaster!

So I'm writing all this to tell you that I understand a little what you're going through right now and I'm really sorry that you're dealing with it!

I don't know your specifics and so I don't know how to help or offer advice if you would even want that. But I hope that you and your husband can come to a place where you can try to mutually understand one another. Because it's really hard for us to have ADHD! I know you know that! But it's also hard for someone who is being affected by our dysfunction to live life with us.

Everyone needs compassion and understanding all around. And we have to remember that we can't change other people. So if he's not willing to meet you halfway, the only thing that you can do is start working on yourself.

[Gettingittogether in reply to FoxInTheForest]

Yeah, "trying harder" doesn't really work for ADHD. Most of us are already trying way harder than most people to do basic organizational tasks.

What works better, if you can afford it, is to hire a home organizer or bring in any kind of organizer, who can basically help you set up systems--with the goal being to make each home task as easy and simple as possible.

Also outsourcing as much organizational work as possible. The world is not fair enough for what I'm about to say, but every homemaker with ADHD really needs money to hire a cleaning person to come in and a regular organizer to come in and help.

I am finalizing a massive task of doing work to qualify my sister for long-term nursing home care. The details have nearly killed me, wrecked my mood. Thank God, I'm near the end. But looking back, I'd have been much better off to pay a lot of money to have a lawyer do this for me. In fact, a lawyer offered to do all this work (including arranging cleaning out her apartment) but the lawyer said, "that's too expensive. you should just do it."

Totally wrong. The lawyer didn't understand I had ADHD, and my ADHD of course didn't allow me at the crucial moment to see clearly the magnitude of the tedious work ahead of me. This tedious work was in addition to caretaking.

[wtfadhd]

hi Missmarlo, i want to tell you that in my experience, attempting “ life hacks” in hopes of functioning more neurotypical in a neurotypical world with neurotypical expectations will likely leave you feeling chronically unhappy and defeated.

I have learned the hard way that the best way for me to embrace my ADHD and play to its strengths, etc- is to always make sure that the people n environments that i can personally choose and create is my world is best way to find my quality of life.

when us ADHD folks feel unsupported our ADHD symptoms tend to blow up and become very difficult to manage. ADHD can fuel us to do great things or get leveled. sounds like your currently being leveled and i hope that changes for you soon. ❤️

[Hominid711]

Hi,

I tend to analyse problems quasi-scientifically which is in my opinion the one and only, truly most effective and most constructive way. Comes with the medical territory.

1. Both of you ladies with hubbies:

Firstly, ADHD and mental health is so complex with overlaps and multiple combination disorders with other mental health conditions I would NEVER trust myself to diagnose me!!!

So make your priority and first action finding a psychiatric ADHD-subspezialised professional with prescriber license ie Dr or NP and get an ACCURATE DIAGNOSIS to start with. And if it's costly tell yourself this may be the best investment into your future EVER! Being a materialistic soul I promise you this is no BS. I found this totally applies to me. Medical treatment alone has enabled me to reevaluate my finances, make decisions I felt unable to make for ages with shifting and redistributing work/income/outgoings/financial investments, and this has drastically reduced my inner tension and financial worries. I have also been able to allow more flexibility in the future rather than sticking to a rigid regime that kept me in a hamster wheel. With the effect that same treatment has had on my job satisfaction I do not see these decisions making any measurable negatjve impact on my finances. If anything I love my job more as I allow myself to be who I am and to have more confidence relating to my bosses, so income has stayed the same and financial constraints are reduced. For me it's a win-win. It could be for you, too.

2. If it is ADHD then get and start the meds. First line treatment in the UK for ADHD in adults and children is meds.

If it's something else listen to your specialist.

Tell hubby you've done it and that you and your medic are now titrating the meds up. That info alone may immediately relax him as he appreciates you are doing it for the two of you and the titration period will give you the time you need to relax yourself and casually observe any changes. Any new insights along the way you and your other half will likely benefit from as you feel happy and ready to implement change.

3. Lean back and simply watch what's happening in you, your relationship, him. Add counselling, therapy, coaching, partner therapy if you're up for it at this stage or later or whatever. Conflict situations are fluid and complex problems can untangle themselves with not much required in the way of "work" once the meds have started to kick in which can be immediate!

4. And so on.

Remember you can't change the other but you can change yourself which can change what matters in the relationship with the other.

5. You can always ditch him. Gently if appropriate. Sometimes people are not made for each other or the relationship is too far gone or whatever. Or put him to the side or on the back-burner or whatever. This can be good for the family if peace follows. And God will forgive. He's too busy forgiving with Ukraine at the moment. He will be glad you're not killing each other.