I work in a highly customer focused industry and have always been getting complaints from clients - most of them difficult and unpleasant people which I have always found challenging and threatening as much as I am trying to understand them - and occasionally from co-workers who label my impatience or unhappiness with their performance or their lack of team spirit and cooperation as rudeness and usually mount a defense in the form of a complaint raised against me. I'm always aghast at these responses but realise this is a common way to react - rather than coming to me directly. I know both these 2 kinds of complaints are few and far between and I feel in general very well liked and respected (and get excellent feedback) and it is my own emotional hypersensitivity when I still occasionally am shaken, but the main problem is for me that my manager and the organisation see each complaint as a clear and serious issue with my attitude and the threat of loosing my job over it is always there.
I don't think I am impulsive to a high degree but in the face of clear contempt and disrespect from customers and hostility from a few co-workers I can "internally snap" and then become louder and faster in speech or monosyllabic but defensive or I will be trying to argue and persuade the other person. I don't mean to be rude but on the other hand I am the one amongst the people at my level who regularly runs into such difficulties. The others manage to stay calm and don't engage as much as I do in arguments.
I would cope as I feel not every conflict is necessarily a bad thing and some outbursts and anger in customers is inevitable. It allows them to let off steam and it can clarify and clear the air and in some lines of work customer sensitivity and easy dissatisfaction are common anyway. If it wasn't for the lack of backup and support with difficult customers from the side of management and my organisation. That really gets me down and always throws me into existential angst. And this is when I feel really defensive and unjustly treated. I have had reason to fear job loss over it in the past.
I found out 6 months ago that I have ADHD, at the age of 55. This was totally unexpected as I thought I had primary generalised anxiety disorder and my SSRI was simply no longer working hence the extreme procrastination/lack of motivation in my home life. I then saw a psychiatrist to discuss a switch to an SNRI. This is how I got diagnosed. Obviously properly involving a neuropsychologist and scores. I am now well on Venlafaxine and Lisdexamfetamine. I have told my employer and my manager and I am hopeful they will at least try to understand the issue with complaints in the context of ADHD but I wonder if any of you have had similar experiences and managed a way out - even if only a way to deal with it psychologically. I don't find that this particular work-related problem is much written about.
Many thanks.
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Hominid711
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Hello I hope things turn around soon. There is a great book called getting along with idiots. I highly recommend I also too a training how to deal with difficult people it was through Fred Pryor.
Lastly when I haven't had enough to eat the medication makes me lash out. Even if you are not hungry, make sure you eat.
I’m sure I don’t understand what you are going through, but I was in sales for many years. In general, when I meet a person that is upset or angry I clearly know it can legitimate and in that case I empathize or it can be an angry person that acts out angrily with virtually everyone, then I have pity. Imagine going through life looking for opportunities to berate, antagonize or loathe others, the way they loathe themselves. Sad, wasted, and inconsequential existence.
I got out of a justified speeding ticket because the officer said that everyday he is harassed by the people who he pulls over, for simply doing his job. But since I was understanding that he was just doing his job he let me go without a ticket. This taught me that I never know why someone acts the way they do, but their feelings are prompted by something in their life.
It further demonstrates that I have very little to do with how someone else feels., except for how I engage with them.
Life can and will be cruel to everyone sometime. I feel for people who are so effected by something in their life that they are seething and looking for an outlet to unleash their pain.
So if you can step back from a situation that feels very personal and realize that each of us carries a burden and they are offering you their burden, you may be able to disconnect, personally, and see their POV. If you can see the world around you from the perspective that people need understanding and encouragement (including us) and that you can offer that, your life will change.
Btw as I type this out I think back to the many reactions I have had with others, I realize how hard it can be. But if you have this issue at work and you can’t effectuate a change you may want to look for another job (for your sake). Good jobs and good people are not always a good match.
Be good to yourself, so that you can be good to others. Sorry if sounds preachy but this is what I would say to a friend
Thank you Timothy. I will try visualising this stepping out of the situation or zoning out next time I have an encounter with a potential complainant. I have always been able to rationalise this but perhaps I need the personal advice to be able to put it in action. Who knows...it's also the first time I'm participating in a forum with more than one contribution. Perhaps it won't work, we'll see. I've always had trouble not feeling personally attacked as things do get very personal very quickly in my line of work. I feel trapped in these situations. I am a doctor in a very busy Urgent Care Centre in the UK and find the potential for immediate deescalation there incredibly high. I feel I have to speak with some patients like with children and that as a woman one is expected to be automatically maternal. Some patients feel they have to - or want to - be extremely theatrical which deep down I hate. And they probably feel that on a non-verbal level.
I know I am good at what I'm doing and by most considered kind and compassionate. Time management, records, understanding of the issues patients are bringing along etc is good too. Since I started meds I've slowed down a little but have become better at teasing out the real problems and agendas which is sometimes the mission rather than the symptoms are at least in primary care.
Next week I have another meeting re complaints and some whistleblowing I couldn't help myself holding back from. I am not afraid of being sacked. The employer knows full well they have to consider disability accommodations.
I have however been thinking what else I could be doing other than seeing patients. I feel too old at nearly 56 to train in something entirely different.
I'm good with ideas, thinking outside the box, recognising urgency and priorities, liaising with ED next door and if it wasn't for deadlines and some of the boring staff I would apply for the medical lead position that has been advertised lately. Which may be a joke after I've just aggrieved my managers with holding them responsible for shortcomings in our department.... I try to be diplomatic but am shortsighted when it comes to envisaging what changes could be effected. I feel I have an untapped pool of experience after nearly 30 years of doctoring but teaching is not my thing and anything managerial comes with more paperwork. I know I complain on a high level and I would stay stumm if it wasn't for those dreaded complaints meetings about my attitude. Sorry for rambling. If anyone with long work experience in similar situations or a similar professional level to me or my superiors or just anyone with common sense - since that can elude me at times - wants to part with advice please come forward.
Finally and just to say I was diagnosed only in Nov/Dec. I managed med school etc because I was afraid and embarrassed what would happen if I quit and it was that which kept me going. Lots of obstacles personally and professionally I now recognise might have been due to ADHD made it an arduous journey but I got there and in some ways I became a better doctor because of the struggle I'm sure. Anyway, I'm glad I got answers to so many questions I had. I have no regrets and I can look forward with ease.
Habits are hard to break and coaches can help with these I know. Until I get one I'm enjoying the ride.
I think I might’ve noticed another response you left in a different post. I can’t help but wonder if you’re not an unidentified autistic. Many of us late identified women have had similar experiences and have relied on masking (playing a part to hide our anxiety or discomfort in social interactions), but the more we mask or try to stifle our anxiety, the more easily triggered we are, which can present as aggressive behavior and be interpreted as rudeness or impatience when not fully understood as related to our autistic brain wiring.
Maybe just something to read up on to see if any of it resonates.
I first figured out my ADHD piece before figuring out the autistic part, but when I started learning more about it, I was pretty baffled it took until my late 30s to get there because it’s so apparent to anyone who knows me well when you finally know that autistic folx don’t just look like the little boys you see in tv shows or movies.
I think I'm a typical ADHD in social interaction. Comedian, passable listener up to a point, not focused when not interested, interrupting, thin-skinned, often seeing the funny side of things, jumping ahead to the expense of listening longer when I feel I know what the other person means etc. but not autistic. I also guess my 2 psychiatrists (general and ADHD specialist and one after the other on instigation of the first) and the psychologist would have noticed.
I wouldn’t assume anyone would notice—unfortunately, it is very common for autistic women go unidentified despite spending decades seeing specialists to try and find solutions or answers. Autistic folx generally struggle more obviously with anxiety, so if that’s what the emphasis was it wouldn’t be surprising at all for you to fly under the radar all these years. *If* you are autistic, you’re probably an excellent masker, which can also make it hard to recognize because the longer you do it, the less you even recognize you are doing it.
Sorry—I’m not trying to be pushy. You might very well not be autistic at all and feel very confident that you have all the puzzle pieces. I just find that there are so many misunderstandings about being autistic and particularly how it presents in women, resulting in late identification (and often years and years of confusing struggles perhaps seemingly unrelated but in fact all traits of being autistic).
If you’d like to skip the soliloquy, please skip to the last paragraph.
I completely identify with this issue. I was a nurse practitioner with clinic, hospital and first assistant at surgery roles. I also led support group and taught the pre- op class. I was chronically sleep deprived due to long hours and heavy call. My ability to rein in my irritability was becoming increasingly compromised although I managed to maintain a good relationship with office staff, patients and the surgeon that I worked closely with. Of course there are exceptions but I don’t think the exceptions are a reflection of me. I made it clear to my surgeon and the practice administrator (his wife) that I was getting burned out and needed relief. They gave me more money but no relief. They hired another surgeon to “help distribute the workload”. That only brought me more work, more cases and heavier call, and he didn’t last long anyways. My ability to keep up with chart notes, reviewing test result, refilling prescription and writing inpatient orders was faltering and nobody seemed to care. The hospital is already a combative and confrontational environment, but my ability to manage that environment gracefully became an increasing challenge.
I decided to get out while I still had credibility. My last days happened to coincide with the COVID moratorium on elective surgeries in early 2020 which I could not have predicted since I had already given 90 days notice and trained my replacement. I decided to get my PhD at the tender age of 48 ( now 49). A year in, after completing my qualifying exams, I requested a neuropsychiatric evaluation although it wasn’t obvious to me that it was ADHD (perhaps it should have been). The extensive evaluation was strongly consistent with ADHD and equivocal for autism. So now I am being treated with adderall and bupropion.
Now my challenge is being old enough to be the mother of all of my classmates and lab mates, and being older than many of my professors. I have a lot more experience than my colleagues much of which is transferable ( I am in clinical research in physiology) and certainly more developed “soft skills”. I am well aware that I am relatively new to research and I have no trouble being open about what I don’t know and eliciting feedback. I have no trouble acknowledging the expertise of others and seeking their input. There are also some basics that come very naturally to my younger cohort who are impressively sharp that are not natural to me.
I do have trouble with feedback that I did not request especially from those less experienced and especially in areas that are in my skill/ knowledge set. I have trouble with the heavy sighs that I hear when I am slow at data entry, make mistakes in scheduling on Google calendar or get off track because someone moved the thoughtfully placed items that I had organized with intention. I am very particular about how I set up my work space. I don’t like things being moved. I realize how much I have relied on a certain amount of compulsively over what seems to others as trivial details to keep me organized and on task.
I haven’t had any blow ups per se, but I can be pretty direct. People don’t really like direct communication, and they take it wrong or are dismissive of my concerns. That is exceedingly frustrating. We hear about the importance of clear communication all the time, but nobody really wants it. People don’t say what they actually mean and at best speak in euphemisms. My irritability and frustration becomes apparent over these issues and I fear that the trouble with my first career has followed me despite getting adequate sleep and a more reasonable workload. The addition of bupropion has helped quite a lot, but meds are a tool not a panacea.
Please forgive the protracted narrative. Conciseness (predictably) is not my strong suit. Everything you have said very much resonates.
Great story! I'm totally impressed with your decision to do a PhD. I'm more leaning towards making life as easy as possible for myself from now on but must admit I also considered it. It's not just the cognitive challenge aggravated by ADHD but like you say all these peripheral issues such as being the old slow coach amongst smart but not really so smart kiddos and the pressure I would inevitably put myself under since I would have chosen this next chapter myself and would feel guilty and ashamed at the thought of failing. I feel I have spent the first 50 years of my life struggling and my family genes aren't so great so with luck another 30 years of which 15 or so may be good ones, free of pain and with reasonable hearing and eye sight 😉. But I also wonder if I'm not giving up too soon, undervaluing what I'm calable of and so I do admire what you have taken on. I love kids, old folk, animals and the outdoors so could imagine volunteering, reading, debate, socialising, the beach, fine dining and perhaps a merengue class once in a blue moon. Keep us posted how it goes!!
And I am so so sorry for falling into the trap of narrating myself using your text as an opportunity to bounce thoughts off. Or is it off of? I wanted to say yesss, feedback from less or differently qualified and/or totally different (mindset, character, ADHD/non-ADHD) people can be hard to endure. We are not saints. None of us. What you say re people taking things the wrong way not even giving you a chance to explain, benefit of doubt etc and the hypocrisy of clear communication yet not really wanting to hear anything but praise or a super cautious "First I'm telling you what you've done well, then..." also is so very true I feel. They say people with ADHD often are perfectionists and this is not something you can shake off. I wish you and us all that we develop the perseverance to cultivate being more forgiving towards ourselves and realise the world is just a big zoo at the end of the day.
Finally, VERY NICE to meet someone who can chime in ;^)
So idk if this is helpful or not, but i've personally always ended up getting along with any bully i've had simply due to the lack of realization that this person is trying to be an asshole. I know what i've done, so what ever that is, I know it's not me. Luckily, i play dumb naturally, after a few contextual exchanges, usually on the same page. ?lol¿
I can imagine anxiety getting in the way of being able to intentionally do this... but it's an idea that may be fruitful.
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