So I just finished another night of pounding on the wife in my sleep. It happens very often, mainly when I'm not smoking weed, which is the most amazing substance in the world for suppressing them. But yeah, I think a lot of it has to do with cPTSD I picked up from 16 years of workplace abuse.
Does anyone here have an issue like this? Does it lead to arguments? What do you do about it? PLEASE someone give me a good idea. I'm at my wit's end with it, as is the wife.
I went through toxic workplace issues for a few years, which caused me anxiety and losing a lot of sleep. I had troubling dreams much of the time, and was grinding my teeth in my sleep, sometimes tossing and turning. I did not experience lashing out in my sleep, though.
To save my wife having to endure my sleep issues, I slept on the couch.
I had to:
1) change jobs
2) get counseling - which led to anxiety and ADHD diagnoses
3) get on medication
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I know that going through that prolonged difficult time, all that anxiety, damaged my relationship with my wife. Even after I started to improve with counseling, she was spending more time talking with friends she'd made online... She fell in love with one of them (which led to her having an affair) and she ended up divorcing me. - Note: she has preexisting issues that have nothing to do with me which also probably made her vulnerable to an affair. (In truth, none of us humans is perfect. We are all potentially vulnerable to infidelity, despite our individual beliefs and backgrounds.)
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First thing: if you are striking her in your sleep, then you must not sleep next to her. Find somewhere to sleep where you are by yourself, until you have stopped lashing out like that. Take a note from the Hippocratic Oath that doctors follow, "First, do no harm!"
My advice to you:
i) Have this perspective: the situation is temporary, and this behavior is not how you really are.
ii) Start working on yourself. Remember what kind of person you were that attracted your wife. Remember what kind of person you aspire to be. Change takes intention, time, effort, consistency, persistence.
iii) Start repairing your relationship with your wife. Start now. Tell her what your plan is, and follow through. Keep her updated.
1) Get into counseling/therapy ASAP! Ask about CBT, DBT, Schema therapy, EMDR, and other possible therapies. - Your wife may need therapy, too. Suggest that she think about it.
2) Talk to your doctor about medication. If the first one doesn't help, tell your doctor. You might have to go through several medications to find what works for you
3) Get into couple's therapy. Before you select a counselor/therapist, ask them the following: "Do you see the individuals as the clients, or the marriage as the client?" Only go with a counselor/therapist who sees the marriage as the client. Too many of them these days are too quick to propose separation or divorce.
4) Look into doing a "marriage intensive" workshop.
NOTE: this can get expensive in the short term, but recovery for you, your wife, and your marriage will be worth it. (If you have kids, then you getting the help you need is one of the best things you can do for them.)
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If I had to do it over, I would have:
1) refused a job transfer my department director asked me to take, or not taken the transfer without getting a raise and a guarantee that I could transfer back into the job I was leaving
2) gotten counseling much sooner, and also gotten marriage counseling
3) talked to the HR Director (since talking to the HR employee who worked with my department was no help...I found out too late that a coworker had talked with the HR Director and got help with his issues)
But hindsight is always more revealing.
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In the end, I'm a lot wiser, and I've got a clear ADHD diagnosis. So, I've gained something, but I lost a lot in the process.
Yeah, it seems we've taken similar paths already. We did some counseling over the winter, as well as other steps you've mentioned.
I had a couple days with a bit of smoke and the dreams are back to a tolerable level of suppression. The wife's had a couple good nights in a row.
My husband and I have slept in separate beds since the beginnng of our relationship because I kicked a lot and one night nearly punched him in the face, but luckily woke up as I was throwing the punch and was able to avoid getting hit and wake me up.
I don’t disagree with the advice in the first comment, but I was just diagnosed with something this week called REM Sleep Behavior Disorder, which essentially my brain doesn’t paralyze my body when I dream or move in and out of dreaming, meaning I act out my dreams physically and sometimes I talk and yell. I’ve done it for years and kicked my ex completely out of bed one time trying to get away from a bear in a dream. The only way to diagnose this is through a sleep study. I was diagnosed with restless leg syndrome maybe 10 years ago, but don’t take anything for it. I haven’t talked to my doctor since the sleep study, saw the report on line. But definitely sleep separately for a while if you can until this gets resolved. I’ll keep you posted once I talk with my doctor.
Yeah, we did the separate bed thing for a while; don't like it. I'm just restless in general. I don't think I have any sleep disorders per se, but I didn't think I had adhd either.
I don’t like the separate bed thing either, but it’s our only option right now. Not really wanting to add another med, but if that’s what it takes, I’ll at least give it a try.
For the actual getting to sleep itself I just use over-the-counter melatonin, 10-20mg a go, depends. In about a half hour, depending what I'm doing, which by then is usually "watching" a science documentary on YouTube, I drift into a natural sleep that has no residual aftereffects. Unlike my wife's prescription stuff... I avoid that unless I'm desperate, like earlier this week when she has none. Hence this post.
I'm not recommending it since I don't know you personally; I'm just mentioning something I use myself, a nice natural sleep with no hangover. I haven't read anything yet about how it works on the neurotransmitters because it just occurred to me, but it's in my plans for this evening.
I think that was somewhere between a reply and a rant, my meds haven't kicked in yet baw-haw-haw.
I've read a lot of anecdotal reviews that over-the-counter GABA can help as well. GABA is a neurotransmitter found in the body and brain which reduces the activity of nerve signals. (Glutemate is the "activation" neurotransmitter, and GABA the "deactivation" one.)
Some people have reported GABA to help with insomnia & other sleep issues, stress, intrusive thoughts, pain, ... even digestive issues. The body uses it for many, many things. (Early research indicated that it doesn't cross the blood-brain-barrier, but more recent research suggests that there's some mechanism to do so, and that the mechanism just hasn't been discovered yet.)
Several times I have used a 750mg GABA supplement that I got at Walmart when I had trouble falling asleep due to intrusive thoughts. I don't need it very often now, but wish I knew about it when I was going through my worst circumstances.
It's best to check with your doctor before taking a new supplement. I don't know about any interference it has with any medication, but I'm not a doctor.
If you take gabapentin for pain, then definitely get your doctor's okay before taking GABA. (I read that somewhere.) Also, it's not recommended for kids, because that activating neurotransmitter, glutemate, is needed for them to release HGH (human growth hormone), which is what helps kids grow so quickly.
I’ve heard and read a little on GABA and it’s down regulation action, which occurs when drinking alcohol or taking benzos if I’m not mistaken. I’ve also seen it as an ingredient in products promoted for sleep. I quit drinking completely 3 years ago, relied on that too much.
Yeah, my last drunk was seven years ago. Irish whisky and home-brew wine. After that, I maxed out at two beer a couple times. Bad stuff... inhibits your inhibitions. We don't need to be doing that.
Don't do illegals anymore, now that our laws are changed. But a bit of THC calms me down and relaxes the wound-up muscles. Once again, not recommending anything, just a purely subjective statement on my personal perception. I do like to emphasize that caveat as much as I can.
10-20 mg of melatonin seems really high. I think most product here in the US are 3-5 mg max.
I thinkit depends on the melatonin supplement. I have a sleep aid from Walmart with several ingredients, including 10mg Melatonin.
What else is in it?
Magnesium, L-theanine, Valerian extract, Chamomile extract, GABA (only 50mg), Passion Flower extract, Lemon Balm, Hops extract, Melatonin (10mg).
All these things are supposed to help with sleep. (I think most of them are also supposed to help with stress and anxiety, too).
This is a mild sleep aid, very gentle, probably not adequate for serious sleep difficulties.
I think the GABA 750mg helps me more with anxiety and when I'm really having trouble settling down to sleep.
(Melatonin helps most people sleep, but my ex-wife just gets headaches when she takes it. Melatonin only helps me sleep when I'm not dealing with anxiety, but then I don't need it because I sleep just fine when I'm not stressed.)
Wow, that GABA sounds interesting. I'll look into a bottle when I hit Walmart next time. A nurse once warned me that melatonin can cause bad dreams. I asked how it could get any worse, and she conceded to my point.
I'll try the passion flower in five years or so when our foot-tall tree starts to flower haha. But yeah, I recognized a few of those ingredients in the list.
I just looked over two bottles of different brands, 10mg, and neither one has a warning about a limit. Just says to take one once a day.
I've gone as high as 40mg on real bad nights, and last night I went to bed hyperactivity wide awake and drifted off with 20 in a short while. No aftereffects. I love the stuff; way better than synthetic chems if you can get away with it. My personal opinion only.
But that being said, the Zippies (street name for them here) my wife takes will do me a wonderful job of keeping the dreams down. Just saying.
Zippies, not heard that before. I’m in the US and took Ambien for years and stopped taking that after waking up in front of the stove with all the burners on washing bird seed. My room mate at the time came into the kitchen and asked what I was doing and I told him he was just in time for dinner. Then I woke up standing there with the plate of birdseed. But before that I put one of my hands on the burner and don’t remember it. I also once ate a bowl of cereal on the toilet and one evening ate a whole jar of pickles and the only way I found out was the spoon sitting next to the toilet in the morning and empty jar on the counter. No more Ambien. Lol. Need something though because I can’t shut off my voice in my head when I go to bed.
I did an experiment a couple weeks ago and took my afternoon dose of Adderall, 15 mg, laid down and actually slept for hours. No chatter.
Yeah, something's wrong when we drop a hit of speed and go to sleep.
The wife's Zopiclone has the ability to disrupt one's behavior too. I prefer natural.
I think it's likely neurotypical people that nicknamed amphetamines "speed". To the different neurobiology of the ADHD brain, it has a different effect. Stimulant meds enable better function by stimulation of dopamine. If I'm not mistaken, to the non-ADHD brain, the increase in dopamine causes a pleasurable (and addictive) high sensation, instead.
(Dopamine has often been labeled the "reward" neurotransmitter, but in actuality, research has revealed that it is released naturally in the anticipation of reward.)
To the person with ADHD, greater control of function. For the NT, less control of function.
...Ironic opposites.
Sounds about right. I get noticeable results with coffee, but with the amount needed it's torture on my bladder. At one point I was having tea in the evenings for lack of other caffeine and I had to weigh the stimulant against how many times I wanted to get up in the night. I settles on two tea and two bathroom trips. But I avoid it in the evenings now.
Hi... I experienced regular nightmares and night terrors from the adverse childhood experiences I endured. They plagued me until recent years, now I still get the odd nightmare, just like anyone but not the same recurring ones. I tried countless things including medication but when the meds stopped they were still there, just hiding away! Eventually, when I felt strong enough I faced my demons and from my experience the only thing to stop them properly was to work through the issue.I hope your wife is able to understand that it's not about your feelings towards her but the internalised struggles you face.
Take care of yourself and try not to feel bad about the way your sub conscious has manifested your pain.
🥰
Yeah, my dreams centre around past workplace abuse. I think those are the ones where I get physical.
The wife's fully aware I'm not at fault, but it still pisses off the both of us.
Also maybe look into EMDR... It's used as a treatment for people with PTSD.
Not familiar with emdr.
EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy.
I've read that it's effective for reprocessing specific traumatic events. It probably wouldn't have worked for my former work anxiety, because that was a continuous problem (lots of small to moderate stressers.) for a few years. I couldn't point to a specific event and say that's what I was traumatized by.
Nope, and that's what cPTSD is: psych trauma built up over long-term abuse that you essentially can't get out of, for instance because you're laden with bills and have to keep at it.
I use Doxylamine for sleep. It's an over the counter sleep aid. The original Unisom. Walgreens sells here in the US. Kind of hard to find so look at the labels or search the net. Much less hangover than the Diphenhydramine (Benadryl) sleep aids. Sometimes I add melatonin but only 1 -3mg as it does cause strange dreams for me. The key for me is only one cup of real tea a day, in the morning and no screens an hour before bed. Tylenol also helps me sleep so I take 1000mg every night. Also take 400mg of magnesium oxide too. Helps with sleep and keeps my gut happy. I use a CPAP machine so that helps but the fuss of it can wake me up to when it leaks, gets tangled, etc. I definitely need it though as I have heart disease and sleep apnea is linked to it. Sleep study confirmed apnea in less that 30 minutes. A nice strong Indica cannabis is very helpful on tough nights also. That's my bag of tricks developed over 40 years 
Good luck!
Never heard of Doxylamine. I'll look for that as well.
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