Hello- I am an adult who was diagnosed as an adult with ADHD. I have been in therapy for awhile. I often doubt my ADHD diagnosis among other things. My confidence is pretty low and although I went to college and work full time I am stagnant. I have not moved up and feel I am below most of my peers. I shy away often from others at work and/or a lot of social places to avoid embarrassment of what I see as lack of intelligence. Sometimes I can’t avoid all situations. Recently, I had to do some things in front of others at work. Simple adding to score something. Everyone else did this with ease. I can not. I can’t keep the numbers in my head and have to restart several times. I was asked to give feedback and I have nothing to give or say. I heard others give feedback but I can’t. When talking to my therapist he says it is your ADHD and/or it is something you are not interested. My nurse did not seem to think this and said I just didn’t have exposure to that work skill yet. However, I have been exposed and have had problems with these types of things for years. It is not that I am not interested. Counting in my head, adding and subtracting in my head very hard to keep them in my mind. Coming up with verbal thoughts/opinions very difficult. My mind goes blank.. So my question is do these things just seem result of low intelligence? Our my treatment providers trying to give me some positive reason I can blame rather than just plain stupidity?
How do you know if you are just stupid? - CHADD's Adult ADH...
How do you know if you are just stupid?
You might want to see a Psychologist. They have far more training and education than nurses, counselors, etc. They can help you pinpoint the cause of the problem. Then they can give you suggestions on ways to correct it. It is important to keep in mind these things take time.
Thank you. I have a psychiatrist who diagnosed the ADHD inattentive type. I have thought about a psychologist but it is not covered by my insurance and so expensive.
I got a BCBS plan through the government marketplace that covers all mental health on parity with primary care, and my primary care is no deductible with copay of $20. This year I qualified for subsidies, so premiums were affordable. Consider it if your work doesn’t have a good plan or is unaffordable.
But if you can get on a waiting list with a practice that takes sliding scale, that can help too.
I find it helps to get referrals from friends or local support groups or my other doctos. That way I know it’s worth the immense effort of calling them over and over. It’s worked out eventually!
I’m not great at doing math in my head, either. I just can’t picture the numbers and wasn’t taught well to round/estimate or do it easily as a child. My son learned much better techniques than they used in 1980 when I learned! I also don’t think quickly on my feet about certain things. But I do about others. I would be kind to yourself. We all have strengths and weaknesses. My husband minored in math & has tried several times to explain some probability concepts to me. I finally said, “If I can’t see it written down and you aren’t patient, don’t bother.” Yet he completely misunderstood some behavior of our son that I recognized as concerning for autism (I had pointed it out & he just didn’t understand what I meant, because he didn’t have the training/experience I do). I was an excellent math student but cannot do it in my head!!!
Thank you for your response. This makes me feel better. I have a son with high functioning autism. He is very good at math a couple grades ahead. However, he too can’t do the simple equations in his head but very good at solving complex problems. I need to see things written down too or it is lost in seconds.
Oh. My. Gosh. You have 1) children 2) a job 3) a child with autism and 4) depression per your bio and 5) probably ADD?
I’m not managing half of that! 😭😹👏👏👏
I definitely can’t manage all of that on my own. Luckily, I have a very supportive husband. I was so struggling trying to get the kids to school, activities, work on time and remembering to pick them up, cook and clean I eventually just stopped functioning all together. My husband now helps in those areas that I struggle. He makes are weekly schedule, coordinates most of the kids activities, etc. He is like Mr. Mom. He reminds me of the things and places I need to go for the kids. He does most of the cooking as I am horrible at it. It is embarrassing that I need this help as a mom but I just don’t function like most of them. I am blessed to have a supportive husband.
To be honest, it's a lot to manage even for two people!
How lovely your husband supports you and has a healthy, modern view of housework and parenting being for both parents, not just "mom." Relationships flex and flux over time - I bet you help him in other areas that he can't do as well, or you supported him in the past or will do so in another "season".
It sounds as if you got overwhelmed, which many of us would be. Consider that probably 1/5 of your brain is continually thinking about your kids and worrying etc. Eventually you'll be able to learn techniques to do some of those things yourself, if ya'll want to re-allocate tasks. Right now you might need that time to find calm.
WOW. You're lucky. I'm in the same relationship situation, but it's not my wife's choice. I forget everything that's not right in front of me. I forget chores. Don't pay bills. I hate choosing a menu for other people, but it doesn't matter cuz I always forget to cook it anyway. I don't notice or am not bothered by small repairs needed - A lightbulb going out, loose knobs, etc.
My wife hasn't talked to me for 2 days since I slept through a day off & didn't do dishes. With the Adderal shortage (DEA/Pharma industry price fixing), I am always nervous about running out so I end up crashing on my days off. I have a focus intense new job and can't afford to run out. To top it off: My career is a joke - 14 years after graduating I finally have an entry level job with prospects and don't know if I can keep it. Financially, I'll be paying my wife back for a year IF I can keep this new job.
My wife complains about my behavior all the time & occasionally breaks down or stops talking to me.
Oh so sorry you don’t have more support at home. I am terrible noticing things that need to be repaired or replaced too. I dread having people come over because I don’t keep up with the house chores. My husband helps but we still struggle as he can surface clean but no deep cleaning ever takes place. I understand about the medication and try to just use it for work too so it is harder on the eeekends to get things done. I hope this new job works out for you.
I have 2 kids, both with ASD & ADHD, 1 with intellectual disability (other is gifted, and I think he is more challenging to raise). I am convinced that, since I have to fill the gaps in my kids' executive functioning too, I deserve some kind of medal at this point! You definitely get one, too! My husband does all the cooking in our house, too. I loved cooking when I was single, had free time, could putter around the kitchen uninterrupted. Now, when my 2 kids have major sensory/feeding issues? Nope! Hang in there. I guarantee you are spread very thin, because I deal with the same family responsibilities daily, and I am not even working right now.
Thank you for sharing. It is very helpful to know that others have similar challenges. . I think you for sure deserve several medals. Gifted children are just as challenging or more as they do not have neurotypical developing brains either. I have 4 children. For me my own executive functioning challenges could not keep up with 4 active children. Dealing with other parents has been very emotionally draining as they would often judge my children and/or the way I parented. 3 out of 4 of my kids have sensory issues too. I don’t force my kids to eat foods they don’t like or where things that don’t feel good. I am pretty laid back around these things. My kids are very active always going or doing something so yes I totally get the spread thin. Thank you for your support and encouragement.
Yes, I have to limit my time at playgrounds, etc, because it’s very hard even now for me to weather the grief and stress of watching other families with unaffected kids. Even my own siblings don’t realize how much it impacts my daily life. I am no longer on social media and actually have delayed returning to work because seeing typically developing children was very difficult. Tough situation since that’s 99% of my job 😂. Hang in there. We as a society need a lot more support for families like ours.
You are such an amazing mother and at the same time help others that are struggling. Thank you for your help. You inspire me. You have gone through so much too I see. Hang in there too! I can’t imagine trying to go back to work to face that. I left social media as well a few years ago. Things always look great on social media but you don’t see what really is going on behind the scenes at home. They only show “picture perfect” on social media. My extended family are all about appearances which I can’t meet those standards. I definitely agree we need more support and understanding.
Thanks, that’s kind of you. There are probably more of us out there, but we are all so individually isolated by our family situations. Yes, I also am from a family with very specific expectations about outside appearances, although I think they’ve improved with time. They still don’t fully understand what we do daily, though. My daughter weighs 70 lbs and still needs help getting into/out of our cars, for example. My in-laws are very supportive and adjusted quickly to our kids’ diagnoses. My family (mom specifically) took years to face it & has never read a book about autism. She’s a voracious reader otherwise. You definitely learn quickly who really accepts your family and who struggles to! Hugs to you.
same honestly… my sister or peers would ask me for help in math or anything that requires calculations, and I wouldn’t be able to solve it if they told me it verbally, I always tell them that they are wasting there time and to just write it out because I can’t solve it if I don’t see it, even simple stuff. I assure you it’s not being dumb, it’s just the first part of the question leaves your head as soon as the next enters.
As for the doing stuff in front of people part, also same. If I haven’t throughly trained myself for it for days and someone ambushed me to do stuff in front of a group of people I don’t know well, I’ll get jittery and bounce and forget how to do stuff, sometimes just staring blankly, however after lots of support from peers and family, it got a tiny bit better. Again I assure you that it isn’t a sign of stupidity, it’s a legit thing, you haven’t processed what’s happening yet, haven’t prepared yourself as well as you thought you did, so you panicked in some way. Honestly I don’t even understand how people don’t get that feeling, I just assume they where exposed to it way more often as children, and so it’s become a norm. Being exposed in childhood is way different than in adulthood, that’s what I believe.
Again take it easy on yourself, a person with low intelligence doesn’t doubt their intelligence, actually studies have shown that intelligent people are the ones that doubt it. I don’t remember where I read that but if you search you’ll find many researches 
Thank you for your response. This is very helpful. I struggle with that verbal part just as you describe. “The first part of the question leaves my head just as the second part enters” is exactly what happens. I also need time to process things so when expected to answer right away causes anxiety as I have not been able to reflect and digest the information given to me. I have no idea how people respond so quickly. I am sure my childhood encouraged me not to say anything. At a young age I was repeatedly told the questions I asked or things I said were “stupid”. I quickly learned not to say anything. Thanks again. I am feeling better.
I’m so sorry. Those comments people made when you were young were very ignorant & hurtful. I was told to be quieter, stop talking, etc. I come from a family that had zero experience or understanding of ADHD, etc, and ironically I strongly suspect my father had it. I get very protective of my son if anyone in my family says anything critical to him because of his behavior (I need to be more patient, too). Hugs to you. My household is also stressful because of 2 high needs kids, so I definitely can’t do math in my head even on my best days 😊
maybe like
“I can do calculus but can’t add do addition in my head, go figure”
“I understand relativity but can’t think on my feet, what the hey!”
Hi I don't usually comment on posts, but I felt I had to say something. It's exactly the same for me. I failed maths at school and i can't do basic calculations. I also am not able to articulate my point of view unless I'm with my enclosed group of friends. I too feel stupid but researching about adhd and it always comes with a other comorbid disorders such such dyspraxia or dyscslculia. Perhaps seeing a psychologist might be useful so they can assess any of these? Most importantly be kind to yourself and value the skills that you do have. All the best,x
It's brave of you to ask as I am sure quite a few people reading this have felt the same at times and some of these probably believe they are genuinely stupid and might say you're no better.... It can be a struggle to hold onto the knowledge that ADHD can masquerade as stupidity, but most of the time I can reassure myself that I'm fine. For example, I'm a good quiz team member because my general knowledge is good and I'm also very good with visual clues on paintings by great and modern masters and architecture (I trained as an architect). Confidence makes a lot of difference and for most of us with ADHD it's elusive and, once achieved, feels tenuous. It took a long time - through keeping myself grounded I eventually got there, but I thought it would never happen. One of the revealing things is that the quality of my observations hasn't changed massively, but my ability to speak up has. I suspect this is true for a lot of people with ADHD - we feel inhibited about offering our opinion in case others see us as we see ourselves. With confidence comes the ability to trust ourselves and, for me, this means that when I walk into a building I can trust what my instincts tell me the building needs - I have no real idea of the mechanism by which this happens but as long as it works I'm content. Nevertheless, I can still find myself flustered. I was recently on site and I had to check some setting-out dimensions and angles and I just couldn't do it in front of the building team - I was very self-conscious and couldn't keep all the numbers in mind as I did it. Luckily it was just before lunchtime and, once everyone has gone for lunch, I could get on with what I had to do in a slow and careful way. It all worked out in the end. I still occasionally get people asking me why something I'm doing is taking so long in a way that suggests they (and everyone else) would do it more quickly. I gently remind them that I'm not them.
Hi, a lot of what you said resonates with me. I too have inattentive type. How I see it is that our brains can complete the calculation or provide the feedback, in our own time and way, so we’re not stupid. It’s just when exposed to stressors like being in front of a large group, or for me time pressure, the connections / executive function doesn’t fire as it should. I believe for me this is due to childhood trauma and the fact certain elements didn’t develop typically, as I learnt to freeze/shut down as a coping mechanism not to be exposed to it (clever really!). Although it’s not easy, the best thing I’ve found is to be as kind to yourself as you can (it’s your inner child you’re being angry at), and so he/she may continue to freeze/shut down in response. Also not easy, but learning to cope with those stressors again helps to overcome those situations ie preparing / anticipating helps overcoming being put under time pressure, as you give yourself extra time. Good luck on your journey, and finding some peace , Russell
ADHD very often includes working memory issues. This seems to be especially the case for Inattentive ADHD.
It's not a sign of stupidity, it's a symptom of ADHD. Also, as someone else has pointed out, ADHD can also have comorbidities like dyscalculia, which you can think of like dyslexia for math.
There is also another neurodiversity called SCT (Sluggish Cognitive Tempo), which closely resembles Inattentive ADHD and can be a comorbidity with ADHD. (SCT has been recognized in research for decades, but still isn't included in the diagnostic manual for psychological disorders, and thus usually isn't recognized or diagnosed.)
I have a diagnosis of Inattentive ADHD, but I also have all the traits of SCT, which according to ADHD researcher Dr. Russell Barkley are:
• Daydreaming excessively
• Trouble staying alert or awake in boring situations
• Easily confused
• Spacey or "in a fog"; Mind seems to be elsewhere
• Stares a lot
• Lethargic, more tired than others
• Underactive or have less energy than others
• Slow moving or sluggish
• Doesn't seem to understand or process information as quickly or accurately as others
• Apathetic or withdrawn; Less engaged in activities
• Gets lost in thought
• Slow to complete tasks
These are the traits that Dr. Barkley says make SCT a distinct disorder. He also says that it is very often comorbid with ADHD. He also says that there is an ADHD medication which in research studies was very effective in treating SCT: atomoxetine, best known under the brand name Strattera.
I take atomoxetine for my ADHD, and it seems to work very well to treat my ADHD symptoms and what I recognize to be SCT symptoms. (When I was on Adderall, during the first few months after my ADHD diagnosis, it only seemed to treat my symptoms half as well as atomoxetine does for me now.)
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Since SCT isn't a recognized disorder in the DSM-5, the manual used by doctors and mental health professionals, then it isn't easily recognized. However, since atomoxetine (Strattera) can treat both SCT and ADHD, I asked my doctor to try me on it. It's been helping me for the last 2 years. (I've now even been able to advance in my career, after being stuck at a lower level for ten years.)
This is the shortest video of Dr. Barkley explaining SCT. (This one is a over 8 minutes, but the rest are 50 minutes to 90 minutes long...but worth the time, if you think you might have SCT.)
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I really appreciate your response. I have read that working memory is often an issue with ADHD and it is good to know especially with inattentive type. I have often wondered if that was part my challenges but never received that feedback providers. I have heard of SCT before and think I was looking into this before actually more so for my son. So many diagnoses seem to overlap. He has some of my symptoms but actually has high functioning autism. I have some of the SCT symptoms but not the sluggish and low energy. I am actually the opposite with very high energy and great trouble sleeping. I do not fall asleep when bored but I sure wish I could. I do get mind fog and can be a space cadet for sure. I really do appreciate your help and thank you for sharing this. It is a relief actually to hear others having similar symptoms and explanations.
Just as with ADHD, you don't have to have every symptom. But like I said, it's not a recognized diagnosis. Maybe someday it will be.For me, the brain fog was very prominent. Adderall only relieved half the fogginess, but atomoxetine relieves it all. I still sometimes get lost in thought and can be slow to complete tasks, but not as bad as before meds. My meds have relieved all the other symptoms of SCT, and made my ADHD symptoms much less prominent.
On the ADHD front, I still struggle with some inattentiveness and distractibility, but only a fraction as much as before. I still haven't developed better time management and organization skills, but skills take intention and practice to develop. ("Pills don't teach skills.")
Thank you. This is helpful to know you don’t have to have all the symptoms. Maybe I can ask my psychiatrist about the Strattera.
Don’t you wish pills did teach skills, though? Lol
Perhaps a mentor who is either from this group or another empathetic individual who can relate and offer some gentle, realistic guidance. I have been reading about body doubling and mind mapping. If you can, check out these concepts and we can continue in this thread if you would like.
I have some experience with part of what you described.
Your struggles with math does not resonate with me, but everything else does.
One of the symptoms of ADHD is slower processing. We need more time to process the same information as other people. As a society, we tend to think faster=smarter. In school they try to balance this by teaching kids not to rush through. Take your time, double check your answer and get the correct answer. No prizes for being the first to finish.
I'm the same way. It takes me *way* longer than others to fill out forms and solve problems. However I'm tenacious and chew away at a problem over a longer period of time. I'm far more likely to get the right answer than others around me, but also it will take me three times longer. In some jobs that simply unacceptable, while in others you would be praised as a hero. I had a job where I quickly earned the title of 'dragon slayer' for tracking down and solving problems others had given up on. However, put me in a lineup with others to answer things quickly and I would look like the stupidest person in the room.
Another way our brains can function is to shut down under pressure. Think of it as fight or flight response. Some people thrive under pressure and deadlines, while others freeze up. I'm in the later category. Put me on the spot and my mind goes blank. It's like stage-fright. Others responses are correct, that with practice you can improve and it will get better, but you have to know the topic and get comfortable with it. As soon as you stray off topic to something new, you will be back to the same issue of freezing up. So far I haven't found a solution to that problem. I just accept it and try to avoid those situations. As a general course in life, I tend to study material and master it so I know things inside and out. Again, this takes an incredible amount of time. However, it means I've pre-processed a lot of this thinking so I can answer questions and solve problems related to it much faster than others because I've already spent many, many hours thinking about it. It really eats up a lot of time in my life, but it is the way I cope with my slower processing.
Thank you for sharing this with me. It is very helpful knowing that it can take longer to process things as part as ADHD and our brains can shutdown under pressure. That feels so true after reading your input. I definitely shutdown if pressured to respond without having time to process. I need this time. Thanks so much.
I have a few thoughts based purely on my own experience. For a long time I was unable to perform well (or even moderately) at certain kinds of tasks. For me it was anything organizational or writing that went longer than a page. I developed all kinds of self-definitions to account for these challenges. I'm a creative type. I'm a big picture guy; not a detail person. And, yes, I'm just dumb when it comes to some things. Turns out it was my ADHD (diagnosed at 51). I still have things I prefer to do over others, as do we all. But I can now do the things that were blocked to me before.
But.... and this is a big but (😜), now I'm decades behind on learning how to do those things. So I can be organized but I haven't developed practices and skills around organization, for example. And I still can feel pretty dumb when I have all the tools of the modern world at my fingertips but still can't prioritize my work in a productive way.
As I say with everyone on this site: be generous with yourself. Acknowledge there are reasons for why you are the way you are and spend your energy figuring out what you want to get better at. Don't waste your energy putting yourself down or clipping your own wings!
I relate and am proud to say I have finally managed to 1) not be late more than 15% of the time down from 70%, and 2) make my bed properly almost every day. Hahahahahaha as a full grown adult… but I’m so proud! It has made a big change and I can see that I’m able to improve. Now working on more good habits.
I’m still learning how to tackle the big projects and how to organize them into these things called “steps”. It always feels daunting.
Hey, that improvement in being late is HUGE!!!! Pat yourself on the back for that!
Thanks, believe me, I do!!
Once I finally cracked the code, it’s been self reinforcing because I feel successful at that little accomplishment.
I remember actually being somewhere early for the first time. This was years ago & probably happened because I had the time wrong. It was so wonderful. I had time to relax, read, etc. Suddenly I understood how much better life would be if I stopped running late. I got a book called “Never Be Late Again” & am a lot better. Not perfect, but better.
I felt a huge burst of compassion and recognition reading your letter! We can be so incredibly hard on ourselves. Yet the neurotypical world we live in sets us up to feel like failures, because we can't do some things in the usual way, and they think it's so easy. So they judge us.
My own path down that road started to end with a book called "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?" which was recommended by my therapist. I'd gone to see her after being fired from a job after almost 11 years there. I graduated from high school in the top ten percent of my class, earned two Associates and a Bachelor of Science degree Magna Cum Laude, yet wondered what was wrong with me. I had to work HARD in school, especially in math, to learn new things. It all sounded logical and simple while they taught it, only for me to go home and realize I hadn't retained most of it. My jobs were commensurate with my education and experience, but everything took me longer. When productivity and measurement became the primary basis for performance appraisal, I'd get warnings and eventually laid off. If only I had known about ADHD and that I wasn't stupid!!!
Medication helped, but I didn't tolerate it well. We tried seven different kinds before we gave up. I take Cymbalta for neuropathy from chemo, and it seems to help a bit with ADHD. Fortunately, I'm retired now, so The Boss isn't constantly on me about why I'm so smart but so slow. It is a much less stressful life without the unrelenting stress of not measuring up in the workplace. But my clients all miss me- they loved me because I was thorough and clever in finding ways to fix their problems. I try to remember that.
Your brain isn't wired to do some of the things that others do with ease. It has nothing to do with intellect and everything to do with biology! I would definitely look at your work with an eye toward how it allows you to use and showcase your strengths. If you are in a job that highlights your challenges, it will be continuously difficult and demoralizing. Think about what you do well and enjoy, and see if you can find work that gives you more opportunity to do those things.
Please don't put yourself down! ADHD can be your super power if you are in a space that uses your talents. And think about counseling; you sound like you may have depression too, which is common for us with ADHD. Come here often, you'll feel less alone.
Thank you for your thoughtful response and sharing your story. This is so helpful. Everyone on here has been so nice and supportive. Sounds like you have had to go through a lot. I am in therapy and yes struggling with Depression for along time. It has been a battle. I tend to doubt my diagnosis and reading your response was very reassuring. I worked really hard in school too and did well in college. Things started falling a part with work stress and trying to manage running a household and raising kids. I have a big problem with self doubt and believe things are just my fault. So when “authority figures” nurses, etc give other explanations to my challenges I start going back to it is just me and my fault. My therapist knows this and we are working on it. Past trauma and the way I was raised points to everything is my fault. I am sure ADHD plays part of it too. I over think a lot always looking at other possibilities. Hard I do have the strength of determination and solving complex problems at work that others give up on. I am not very good at paperwork which relates to productivity so I can so relate . Thank you so much for your help.
I’m 50 & from a family where people’s weaknesses are interpreted as moral failings, not executive functioning deficits, etc. For example: someone isn’t a morning person? They’re a “slugabed.” My father was a minister’s son and my mom is British & mental health was never discussed in her childhood. Even my sibling, referring to the underachievement of someone we know (who privately told me she has ADHD), said this lovely person was “brought up by parents who just didn’t raise her to finish what she started.” It is maddening. Please know there are a few people in this world who understand and have endured the same treatment. My kids have significant EF challenges & I won’t allow my family to pull this crap. I made sure my sister who made that ignorant comment is not their guardian if my husband and I die!!! Nope!!!! Hugs and peace to you.
I have wondered the same thing. My psychologist said they can’t properly assess my intelligence if my ADHD is not treated, because the tests will be thrown off by my symptoms.
At menopause the plunge in hormones coincided with my working memory getting worse. I had medical tests to rule out thyroid and other issues. Is 70’s era lead leaching out of my bones from osteoporosis? Is it just my wacky hormones revealing ADHD? Am I too depressed to think straight?
Oof. Well what I have noticed is that vigorous exercise, even just 20 minutes of it, helps me think faster and more confidently. Doctor says it’s the fact that high intensity exercise generates dopamine.
I’m also more sensitive to public attention. It feels like everyone is judging me but I know they aren’t really. Still, the anxiety shoots through the roof and I can’t talk! Practice helps a lot but Zoom makes it worse.
Finally I started just saying to the other people in the meeting that LOL I have “ fear of public speaking” so please bear with me if I seek to lose track for a moment now and then. If it’s a new group I might do that at the end instead of up front. Or ask a colleague - in advance - to jump in if she sees me pausing too long in front of a client. She can prompt me or say something like, “let me just summarize for a second.” That gives me a chance and I can recover.
For what it’s worth, all the social, political, and health anxiety of the last 6 six years made my baseline anxiety higher so add some ADHD and it’s over lol.
Thank you for sharing. It is so helpful hearing from others with similar challenges. I haven’t entered menopause yet but geez I have heard it makes ADHD symptoms worse. Sigh! I am a huge fan of vigorous exercise for the mind and body. I have done this for years for mental clarity, sharpness and to slow down my thoughts. It helped me be through college back then I did not know I had ADHD. Thanks for your response.
"To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom." ~ this phrase has been attributed both to Socrates and to Aristotle, but apparently the aphorism "know thyself" was widely used in ancient Greece. (Why we still quote Greek philosophers in King James English, I don't know. 🤔)
You're on a journey of discovery. You now know that you have ADHD. Great, you've got a term for it now! But what does that mean, exactly?
No two of us have the exact same traits and symptoms and struggles. But as human beings, no two of us have the exact same physical, intellectual, and personality traits, either.
BTV65 mentioned the fight-or-flight freeze response that some of us experience when put on the spot. I experience that a lot, freezing when I don't know that to do, or have too little information to go by, or have to many options to choose from (which one is "right" for the given situation).
But also gave a great example how we can a "deep work" mentality, combining hyperfocus with interest to learn certain things in great depth, and combining hyperfocus with determination to be a "dragon slayer" of problems which stump our peers.
NiceUp mentioned having a great capacity for understanding the "big picture", but not the "details".
I, myself, am constantly seeking to understand people and things better, making mental connections like a map with pictures and articles and. crisscrossing strings, like in a detective show ...but it's invisible connections in my head.
I've often described myself as a "big picture" thinker, but sometimes focus on the most intricate details. I sometimes get lost deep-diving into some esoteric knowledge, and then pull that out to solve some seemingly unrelated problem. Sometimes I'm the first person to freeze when put on the spot, but sometimes I'm "good in a crisis" (when my mind is suddenly more clear and working way faster than seems possible).
You, Absentmind , undoubtedly have your own unique set of gifts and talents and strengths and skills and interests and special knowledge.
From what you've described, it seems that your working memory is hampered. That's quite common with ADHD, but isn't a sign of diminished intelligence, just diminished capacity in that one aspect. But you've probably had to use clever workarounds for it throughout your life, so think about how you've had to do so... that makes you an innovator, which would be a completely different aspect of your mental capabilities.
So, try thinking about what you CAN do, not what you can't.
Thanks so much for your encouraging words. Everyone has been so extremely thoughtful and helpful. Everyone on here has shown some incredible gifts and talents despite challenges. You reminding me of what I have done in the past to work around challenges that I have long forgotten. Thank you.
Ive always thought this about myself. I'm awaiting diagnosis, so this is all self-diagnosis.My recall and mental processing isn't the fastest, especially when switching tasks. I find mental maths difficult. I'm now a teacher, after 17 years industry experience in computing in different areas (I got bored quickly and always wanted another challenge). I taught myself to be a programmer and worked across different sectors.
To change careers to teaching I studied a degree in my 40s and came away with a first class.
My self doubt and lack of confidence has always and still does hold me back. I can be hyperfocused which has both helped and been a burden. Until recently I didn't know this was an ADHD trait. Ive just labelled myself as "stupid" and still do.
I found the self loathing a trapped and cycle of self loathing.
simple answer is no you are not stupid, everyone learns and functions differently - you will find what mostly works for ( I said mostly as it won’t always work, and what does work may often change). But if you stop beating yourself up about being stupid, you might just find it a little easier.
You're not stupid, you have ADD. There are a lot of books out there that can give you all kinds of information. Go to AmenMD where you will find all kinds of good info, he also has several test you can do online to tell you what type you have and all this is free.
hello absentmind! I’m new here, but ok I just wanted to tell you, and I hope it helps, that I can sympathize with a lot of what you are saying and I also feel like I’m an absolute idiot o often, although I know I’m really not. I have trouble functioning I’m public. My brain just stops talking to me, unfortunately when I want it to work the most. I find it odd that during high emotional/socially stressful interactions I literally freeze up and start to panic, but when there’s an emergency/ high risk situation, I’m able to process and function perfectly, without even thinking about it. I think my social problems come from fear of rejection, fear of everyone ridiculing me, making fun of my thoughts or ideas. A fear I know is unfounded, but is a very deep seated fear, nonetheless, and I’m sure comes from being a complete and total social reject by almost all my peers through out my entire school years. Also I have difficulties learning some of the most simplest tasks, yet completely get the more advanced aspects, such as math. Adding and subtracting smaller numbers was extremely difficult, I still struggle with it, but fractions and most algebra I excelled at. Times tables, almost impossible, but multiplying and dividing was easy. Reading? I LOVE to read, but only in my head, out loud? HORRIBLE! my tongue gets twisted, and my brain reads and comprehends the words faster than my mouth can spit them out, it’s embarrassing since I was reading college level and above in 3rd grade! And then there is my memory, OMG! I can tell u stories I can remember from when I was 3&4 years old, but what I ate for dinner last night? Nope. I will be having a conversation with someone, and just out of nowhere pull a blank, and the word I was just about to say is suddenly gone from my vocabulary! The harder I will try to recall it, the better it hides! It happened once with the word “cake”. How stupid it made me feel! I lose everything, all the time. Once I lost my car keys when I was at the gas station, had to spend $75 to have my car towed home, just for my husband to find them under my drivers seat of all places! I know I’m not stupid, actually I believe myself to be quite intelligent, it’s just my brain and I aren’t always on the same page. My mind is like rows and rows of filing cabinets, far as the eye can see, and all of my thoughts and memories, ideas, everything is stored in the cabinets. I have full access to the cabinets, and everything is cataloged in order, I just can’t find the right key to open the drawer and access it by myself most of the time. Usually I have to have someone give me some kind of a clue I order to access the memory. I am so horrible at recalling names. Like the absolute worst. Sorry this is so long, but I have a hard time keeping things short and sweet, lol. ☺️
Just a quick note to let you know I laughed but felt compassion reading your entire share! Our lives can be a comedy of errors if we have a sense of humor, but so difficult. Thank you for reaching out to others here- it's paying it forward!💙
When I was in 5th grade, a small group of us went off in a group for english and reading. I felt embarrassed with the walk of shame to split off to the corner of the classroom with the other dumb kids. Half way through the school year I found out we were actually the advanced group, ahead of the rest of the class.
I felt all the things you mentioned in the original post. And have all the same issues. It's frustrating that I have to pause before me next sentence to think about it, people think I am done talking and unintentionally interrupt me before I can finish. Or get stuck trying to recall a word in a sentence. Would take me 3 times as long, sometimes longer to do the same thing the other people do. It sounds like you could possibly have Sluggish Cognitive Tempo (SCT) also comorbid with ADHD. Unfortunately SCT is not in the DSM-V (the guide psychiatrists use for disorders) so many of them don't know of it.
All the stuff you mention is common side effects of ADHD and SCT and possible other disorders that can explain it. Social issues etc. Not being able to count simple numbers in front of people is an issue I have too. And is a simple explanation. People like us who have trouble with focus and attention and what not, and especially the fact of being insecure and lacking self confidence, we tend to divide our attention. We self monitor what we are saying and doing etc. We also split our attention to monitor the people around us. To perceive how we think they are responding to us and what we are saying. Other people just do the task. We do the task but waste attention self monitoring and monitoring others, on top of our brains being slower at times. Which makes it much easier to get off track and forget what you were going to say. But that is not an intelligence issue. The right medication can help with that if at the right dose. Can focus your attention and allow your brain to ignore external stimuli like a typical person would. Also the non medication based therapy can help to cope with it. Just knowing and understanding that you are a worse critic of yourself than those around you helps.
If your therapist isn't helping, or is not adequately explaining what your issues are, you should ask them to elaborate on it. You should try another therapist if not getting enough feedback and help. Are you taking any medications? Sounds like you may need them. Not everyone can get all they need without medication as part of the therapy.
I thought I was stupid, unintelligent, thought I could never keep up with everyone else. Always hated being put on the spot in a group because I would lose my train of thought even if I knew the answer and when I did talk, it would often come out choppy. As a result I had bad grades growing up, self conscious, angry a lot, frustrated, low self esteem, etc. leading to clinical depression.
Eventually I got over those issues (although I do digress sometimes) Still bad ad adding numbers in my head, absent minded, etc. But my IQ is about 130 which puts me in the top 2% of the population. And I thought I was stupid for having all the issues you have.
Thank you for your feedback. When I was in school I was actually in the lowest reading group, math etc. Overtime I eventually moved up and my grades were good in later part of high school and college but I had to work really hard. I think I definitely can relate to monitoring what I say and what the reactions are if others. It is those past early years when I learned to keep my mouth shut or you will be called dum, stupid etc. These things seem small and a person should just get over it but it has had a huge negative impact on me and causing low self esteem. I am really struggling with depression and insomnia now which makes things worse overall. I do have medications but I am not sure how helpful they are right now. I do take Adderall but with the shortage I notice whatever I am getting sometimes does not work as well. When it does I feel calmer and can focus better on my work and stay on task. Exercise also helps and to me works like Adderall slowing my thoughts and I can think more clearly. I would switch doctors but before my medications were having bad side effects or made me feel worse. Therapy has been a long, slow and difficult process. I could switch therapists but it took so long for me to start to trust this one I can’t even think about starting over. I think it is taking time with years of having ADHD not knowing it, developing depression from past/current traumas and having ADHD undiagnosed so long really brought me down with blaming myself for years. It is so hard to change these negative belief systems after 40 years of thinking this way. I am going to look into the sluggish temp thing as someone else mentioned this too.
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