Hey Fam,
I'm having a moment and need a pep chat! I am working on a dissertation and it is happening so slowly. Right now it feels like another failed project I won't or can't finish.
I have done so well by using my tools to get this far and now it just feels frahw. My own made up word for ADHD failure.
Any words y'all?
OM goodness! I remember my daughter’s dissertation struggles! Ahhhhhhh! You can do it! Mindfulness, breaks, good nutrition, and yes… plenty of water & good, restful sleep! I don’t “envy” your predicament, but KNOW that if you got this far… YOU GOT THIS! 😁👏🏻🙌🏻👌🏻
I waited until I was 56 to start a doctoral degree. I seemed so young back then. But gonna go drink some water now. Thanks!!!
Dissertations are really hard for most people. For people with ADHD, they can be positively maddening and demoralizing.
Some rough tips (ignore the ones that aren't useful). One, double and triple check to narrow down your project topic. Having a broad topic can be a big trap for people with ADHD. See if you can narrow the scope. Conversely if narrowing the scope isn't the right move, make sure you really LOVE the topic.
Time to make connections. One, can you get to therapy. You need to talk to someone who helps keep you afloat during this difficult time and a really good therapist could help you with your writing strategies.
See if there are graduate student groups out there. You need to be in discussion with other students. How close are you to your advisor? You may need regular lunches or meetings with the advisor and really get guidance. Don't be afraid to admit to confusion and being lost.
These days google something like "graduate student support groups" and "dissertation" and there have got to be some good forums out there on this.
Are you being treated? You need to get your meds optimized. You might need an antidepressant and/or an anti-anxiety med in addition to an ADHD med. Anxiety can be serious. Paralysis. You may need meds to just stop the paralysis ... and then later you can get therapy to handle the anxiety without meds. I'll never forget what one of my best friends said about taking a sleeping pill. Sometimes, she said, you need the pill to just get some basic sleep so you can even THINK about how to not have to use a pill. You may need to calm the anxiety to even begin to think clearly about your situation.
Google techniques for dealing with procrastination. Never say to yourself--NEVER! ... NEVER!!! ... that "I'm going to write for four hours today." That only triggers massive anxiety. You have to learn to trick your brain. Set a 5 minute goal. Set a goal to read your previous writing for 5 minutes. Set a timer. Celebrate when the timer is done. Set another 5 minute timer ... do these repeatedly and after a while your brain will no longer be terrified of working.
But you have to return to the 5-minute trick. One day you have a fantastic writing day. OK. Next day--"I'm going to open the file and look at it for 5 minutes!" That's all you say.
You got any classmates you are close to? You might need to borrow some thinking from them. Take them out to lunch. Explain your stuck situation and ask for help in thinking about bringing order to your project. ADHD people have trouble prioritizing or thinking in precise and strategic way that gets us out of jams. Plus, we have problems with self-regulation, so struggles with dissertations are tailor-made to drive people with ADHD absolutely nuts.
Dissertations drive neurotypical people nuts--unless they focus narrowly. Definitely a hazard for people with ADHD. But you can do it. Try not to shame yourself.
AWESOME reply!
These are such fantastic tips. I definitely need to go back and drill down my focus. While I am able to manage coping with symptoms, I always have trouble describing them. Thanks so much!!
One of your obstacles can be shame ... you don't want to tell people how lost you are or how little work you've completed ... watch that! ... because one, that shame over-reacts and is not truthful ... and two, that shame can try to keep you isolated. (I don't want to tell anyone how little work I've gotten done.) Therapy is great for this ... you and the therapist come up with responses to feeling guilty and ashamed ...so that you can truthfully tell people where you are in your work.
See if you can remind yourself that lots of people without ADHD freeze at the larger project of a dissertation. I remember when a friend in grad school got a year-long research fellowship. He didn't have to do an ounce of grad TA assistant work. Just got paid time to work on his dissertation. I remember talking to him 3 or 4 months in ... and he was getting nothing done. The "free time" wasn't helpful to him ... He had trouble creating structure out of that time.
Don't know what your time is like, but yes, for people with ADHD managing a lot of open unscheduled time is ridiculously hard. And focusing on the parts of a big project (and finding ways to steadily move forward--to to credit yourself as you incrementally make progress) are real challenges.
Oh exercise ... wonderful for grounding you ... you got any exercise that you like? Time to do it ... though if you're out of shape, just slowly build up ... You can also look for a hobby and some explicit fun time ... but be careful ... ADHD people can get involved in something they like and forget that this is only one part of their life and that the bigger focus (the dissertation in your case) is what gets priority. Is there an activity you can do once a week? ... possibly time to go do it.
Your responses are taking me back to when my daughter was struggling with working, and completing her dissertation. She was diagnosed shortly after with ADHD! I already admire what she’s accomplished. Wow! It must have been really hard for her during that time! Thank you for sharing all that you did!
It is so funny you say that. I read your post several times to prep for today. The part about shame repeatedly stuck out. I was diagnosed around 2006 and did not tell anyone until much later. It is embarrassing to get so little done after working so hard. It is even more embarrasing to collapse under the pitfalls that renders me unable to work at all. The procrastination, distraction, diversions are real. But it is the shame of looking down the road and seeing this has no forseable end because I just don't seem to have what it takes to finish it...that is what keeps me up at night. I have not yet found a therapist who is knowledgeable enough on ADHD to be helpful. They may say on psychology today that that is one of their specialties, but really it hasn't borne out. It is exhausting looking for therapy and becomes one of those hyperfocus tasks that takes me away from my dissertation.
I have watched my beautifully crafted over 50 body turn into flab as I just stopped engaging in the hiking, cycling and other activities that helped with symptoms but also kept me fit. I have turned down invitations for socializing as I have dedicated so much time to writing.
So to at the end of it all have nothing is very difficult.
I attend ADDA affinity groups, for support for the layeredness of my ADHD, but then othef issues besides ADHD becomes the focus.
So it has been really helpful to find Healthunlocked and folks like you.
Great share! Thank you!
You've got this! You are not alone. 
Go for it! I got my B. Sc. IN 1999 at 36 years old and it took a lot more than 4 yrs, but I was determined. A shrink used that info to tell me I don't have ADHD. Right before I walked out on him.
Anyone who can go through post-secondary with this crap is a hero.
If I had a nickel for everytime I was told I was too smart to have ADHD, well I would have lost them all.....but yes that is part of the problem. "How can you have the symptoms you say and still run a business or get through school?".
Thanks!
You sound like you might be depressed. Are you on a med for that? You might need a med just to get your energy going.
In my experience, we just need a really good therapist--doesn't have to be one that specializes in ADHD. The benefit of therapy is learning how to forgive yourself and set reasonable expectations. ADHD results in such repeated failure that when we try to change, the voice pops up, "you've failed before. why is this going to be any different?"
Well CBT says there are lots of things you have learned to do after repeatedly failing. I began to use a planner for the first time after my adult adhd diagnosis. And I struggled and forgot to write things down, forget to check the planner when I did write things down. Finally I was able to use the planner for six months or so ... then I stopped ... voice: "You blew it. You can't do this." CBT: wait, if I can keep a planner for six months, then I can probably keep it for seven months next time. And then later I concluded, if I can keep a planner for six months, I can keep it for the long term. And now I do ... I have multiple planners.
But there is another benefit of therapy. ADHD is so maddening, that really you want to limit all other mental health problems. You want to keep all other family issues, old pain and depression and everything else to a minimum.
If you feel like finding a great therapist is too much work, that sounds like depression to me. So it sounds to me like your first step is get some antidepressant mood help. Let the med support you with more energy ... and then you'll be able to take advantage of the groups you in and therapy and so on.
And yes, I understand the hyperfocus ... I have over-researched so many things, including doctors and therapists ....
YES KEEP ON PLUGGING TO YOU PLUGGERS. WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO KEEP ON KEEPING ON. LIKE SOMEONE SAID, NEVER SAY NEVER .. AND GOOD ON ALL THE GREAT ENCOURAGERS HERE ON THE BLOG!!!
But you know I too started to learn about my ADHD Just before 60 and it took more than a decade of therapy before I got that one GOOD psychiatrist who paid attention and diagnosed and medicated me properly. I too accomplished MA + about 100 grad credits beyond, and completed a "successful" career etc. without knowing I had it and experiencing ridicule, ostracism, divorced-failed relationships and what not the whole time. As we all know intelligence has nothing to do with mental illness. I also think today it is much harder for people like me as there were safety nets in society and the economy back in my day.
What bugs me NOW is the constant focus on CBT as opposed to DBT. I'd received cognitive therapy for depression for decades. I'm not saying the therapy (and anti depressants) didn't help (more correctly, it kept me off the ledge), but it did not help me change my thought patterns which were caused by the ADHD . At the time ADHD was still highly stigmatizing, something primarily for special ed kids (I retired from education). Some cognitive therapists admonished me for taking anti depressantsa when they came along and saved me in many ways.
Currently I am looking for DBT help that does not get nearly the necessary attention. After a lifetime of forming certain protective behaviors not knowing I have ADHD, I only had one short encounter in the last 2 years who knew anything about ADHD and DBT....She got me started on the mindfulness train during the pandemic but then after that she left the medical group I was working through. I also suffer with RSD which warrants use of DBT as well. I cannot take meds for RSD as they are blood thinners which I cannot take.
Do you or anybody know anything about this?
I also want to add we should all be reading tad supporting he work of journalist/writer Ron Powers who wrote about the horrendous mental health system through his memoire Nobody Cares about Crazy People, an account of his 2 sons' battle with schizophrenia and the suicide of the older one at 21. The other one is 36 and living with parents.
About the ledge GregorysMom , it is a place where no one ever thought to look for me. So I stayed on the ledge until I fell through the cracks and only then did I get a diagnosis. Everytime I read post like yours I am encouraged. We ADHDBoomers have often done so much without the benefit of a formal diagnosis, and tools that come with treatment of what has been properly diagnosed. I know nothing about RSD. But this is a fabulous community. I bet someone here does know.
Thanks for the encouragement!
YEAH BABY...RIGHT ON..PEACE AND LOVE DUDE 👍👍👍
You know what I think HxaroClo, I think we boomers who were discovered late in life in various corners of hell, should form a whole new subcategory of adult adhd. We are survivors with strategies no well paid coach could offer , I'm sure.
I'm not sure how you pronoun GregorysMom , but I sometimes attend this support group 👇:
add.org/virtual-peer-suppor...
Thank you so much HxaroClo....this looks so interesting. Gregorysmom is Gregory's Mom...... Greggy is my cat.😆
HxaroClo just.keep.going. bite off the tiniest chunks that you can and be sure to pat yourself on the back for every single one. The advice on here is so great and I have found it very helpful myself. If it hadn't been for you asking I wouldn't have benefited from all the answers you got. That is a great point about shame from Gettingittogether that's the "useful" bit of shame, it stops us doing things. My therapist has taught me alot about how shame tries to stop us from doing something stupid again, so it stops us doing anything! I really don't want you to be hidden by shame I want you to get out there and make mistakes and be amazing. Go for it! I am trying to set up my own business after being diagnosed myself last year at 51 with ADHD and I found myself saying to my son "I've got a year to make all the mistakes I possibly can". I try and remind myself of that when I get disheartened or into a slump..
This is gold--from your therapist--my therapist has taught me alot about how shame tries to stop us from doing something stupid again, so it stops us doing anything!
That feels so right--I might be criticized, I might do something imperfectly, so shame says, DON'T DO NOTHING! And it still attacks. Wow, thanks for that.
Shame is so perfectionist ... if we're not amazing God-like we are worthless, says shame. I feel like a big part of the past decade has been building the ability to tolerate "criticism" ... I use quotes, because it's more "fear of criticism." For the longest, I had no voice to be able defend me when something specific got criticized. I'm building that voice.
I feel this thread with every piece of my soul. I have a therapist, but have not had a great one in 10 years. Still, I use my tools and sessions and keep going.
This bit on how shame digs into my pscyhe, it predates a formal diagnosis of ADHD.
So, all my foibles, false passes, failures and fork ips were built into me a flaw in my character. Before the diagnosis, what else could it have been contributed to? I'm 60. There were no ADHD diagnosis for me as a child.
Sometimes I get stuck in the loop of past failure. Instead of appreciating the mountain of accomplishments that has purchased this dissertation moment.
I am back on track now, and yes this has been amazing to have the chathugs and chataboys and such. You are amazing Fam.
I'm so glad you posted this. Once again I remember I'm not alone, and the responses are helpful to all of us reading them! I'm going to save this thread and refer back to it.
For today, the best reminder is that self-care, specifically exercise, must come first. Like you I used to be fit, running, skiing, backpacking, even whitewater kayaking. But over the years I've punished myself for not getting things done by denying myself the activities that I loved and that kept me functional. I couldn't go for a walk or go boating until I finished this or that piece of work. I even gave away my seat on a two-week kayak trip down the Grand Canyon because I had been using it as incentive to finish a client project. Do you think I was motivated to finish that project while my friend was enjoying the Canyon? Of course not!
Now I'm 71, recently diagnosed, and a couch potato. I'm going to walk today and thank you while I do it, and wish you all the best with your journey.
p.s. The most helpful thing I've done lately is to start using FocusMate.com when I need to tackle a difficult task, and maybe it would be helpful for you as well.
It's a service that connects people all over the world to act as "body doubles" or accountability partners for each other. You just sign up for a time slot and show up for a 30-minute or 60-minute session. Each session includes a brief greeting in which you state what you intend to accomplish and exchange encouraging words, and a short wrap-up in which you report progress and commend each other on sticking with it for that time.
I felt a little anxious the first couple of sessions. (Does my hair look okay? Does this camera angle make me look fat? What if they think I'm stupid? and so on.) But everyone has been encouraging and accepting. Some of us are more outgoing or socially adept than others, but no one has made me feel unwelcome or disrespected.
A free account allows you up to three sessions a week; unlimited sessions are only $5/month. I finished my three free sessions and then signed up because I wanted more! In my first week I managed to finish over $300 worth of client work and send out a $1600 invoice, both of which I'd been avoiding for months. So I'd say it was a good investment, and the people I met were a bonus.
FocusMate rocks mate!!! For the last three days I went to the gym. Didnt push, just Zumba. Then collected thoughts and did suggestions here of 5 ir ten minutes at a time. That led to more.
Walking with you in spirit brego_mom .
Hi sorry didn't say hi
Vicious cycle of chaos & clutter
Buddy system or group chat for ADHD
Managing Hyper Focus & Giving Lectures No One Wants To Hear ?? 😊
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