I am a 20 year old student from the Netherlands, and have been diagnosed with ADHD during my childhood ( I take medication). The thing I struggle the most with are social relationships;friends especially. Often i find myself being isolated or rejected from groups, resulting in me feeling like an outcast & failure. I have somewhat of an idea as to why these problems occur, mainly: too engaged with people I am not very familiar with yet, talking too much, being too open, emotional distress, acting before I think (saying stuff I wish I hadn't). Do you guys have any advice in how i can improve my social abilities and omit social distress? strategies that work while talking to someone, or book that could help with this, what to avoid etc.
looking forward to your replies, hopefully i can become better.
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Greywinddd
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It's helped me to remind myself not to think too much about what other people are thinking of me. Have you looked at rejection sensitivity dysphoria. I think this is something common with people that are ADHD. I think we are often more accepted, loved, and part of the group than we feel like we are. Of course the other things you mentioned can be considered rude or distasteful depending on the company.
When I do catch myself doing my ADHD things I point them out, or share my feelings. Like if I catch myself sharing too much I might say, I feel like I'm sharing too much. Or I feel like I haven't been listening to you. Then see what they say. I try not to apologize unless I know I actually offended someone. But me pointing out the way I feel, helps me to recognize what I'm doing better, and I might get a response to how they are actually handling my behavior. Because I think ADHD people can also be refreshing for some people. Just because you do things a little differently doesn't mean it's bad. It can also be a good thing
It also helps me to enter a conversation with curiosity or a goal in mind, usually about the other person. It then stimulates or challenges my brain to find something out about the person making it much easier to focus.
Also if I know I am going to be in a social situation it helps me to clear my mind of everything else before going. If I've had a lot on my mind that day, or have something else I really want to be doing, I can really struggle. It helps me to listen to my brain, and let go of a lot of the stuff ahead of time. Pretend like my other interests don't exist, and realize I can think about them later.
A form of mediation I do seems to help a lot. I sit and let random thoughts and feelings come and just note them, and let them go. Too often with my ADHD whatever pops into my head feels so urgent. So it helps me to just sit down, and even if it is some novel thought that seems to demand so much attention, and I have fear that if I don't act on that thought I will not ever think of it again, I just let it go anyways. Sometimes they are things like I forgot to check the mail, or make that payment that was due yesterday. I just have to tell myself not right now. And let it go. Hopefully I'll remember it later. If I'm frustrated with my boss or something at work, I just say what boss and let it go. This helps me clear my brain and gives it room to listen and be with other people. But basically everything that comes into my head even if it something stupid like an image of Sponge Bob, I just visually put it in a bubble and let it pop and be gone. Afterwards I feel able to handle much more.
I sometimes wonder if a lot of what ADHD is about, is just ruminating about all kinds of things, and not being able to stop. We have so much going on, and we just focus on whatever seems to scream the loudest, or that creates the strongest emotion in us, rather than being able to prioritize each thought by its true importance.
I think you offered some excellent advice. I'm aware that there are people that care about me, but the issue that i often face is the following; i enter a friend group, everything goes well, and somehow i get overconfident or something (i can't quite name it) and i end up getting kicked out or rejected. This has happend a numerous amount of times, so you are right it has really programmed me in such a way where i usually expect dissappintment or rejection. It's not necessarily that I'm constantly afraid of rejection itself perse, but the subconscious thought that somewhere along the road i will be rejected (if that makes sense); like this inevitable situation.
But like you mentioned, it would be better if i could have a clear mind and let go of my problems before i do engage in these social activities, so that i don't end up rattling too much about these sometimes unimportant thoughts.
Yes i feel the same way; it's this almost irresistible urge of wanting to give immediate output, while trying to take in other people their input: which is sometimes hard to focus on since (atleast to me) it can be rather monotone (don't know how to explain). It's not that i don't want to listen to this person, but i need to really hold myself back, and take a deep breath.
yeah I hope it's helpful. I still struggle with social situations myself, and a lot of the same stuff you are talking about. I'm usually too impatient or distracted to follow my own advice. I do catch myself more often these days days though. I think I'm better at not offending people now, but how to actually build strong relationships is still a struggle.
You might find this interesting. I've been researching the Default Mode Network (DMN), and the Task Priority Network (TPN). Unlike most people, in ADHD people these can be firing at the same time. When most people are in a conversation their DMN turns off. So theoretically when you are speaking to someone else, you can also be daydreaming, ruminating, being extra self conscious. And if there is any conflict between the DMN, and TPN, the DMN will always win.
Researching this was interesting to me because I know that when I am with friends or people that I'm comfortable with or listening to something I'm really interested in I have few problems paying attention. And I think ADHD meds help because they make things more interesting and balance my mood, not that they actually correct this problem. So even though I'm taking meds I can run into the same ADHD issues. But it's just less often.
Anyway just crazy thoughts that seemed to make a lot of sense if you are interested.
Remember the big picture of ADHD... I drove myself mad trying to figure out which one of my ADHD symptoms made me socially inept. But ADHD isn't just a collection of symptoms, it's a neurodivergence. Our minds are wired differently. So forget about specific explanations like you get overfamiliar because of ADHD. Rather, it's just your inclination to be overfamiliar, because that's just how you're wired. It's just who you are.
Now, like one in five people is neurodiverse. That includes people on the autism spectrum, and people with dyslexia. You'll probably find that they communicate differently too, and be more accepting of your oversharing and whatever.
Neurodiversity is a difficulty in a neurotypical world, but it's not a wrong way of being.
I know it might sound like a cop out to say there's nothing wrong with you, when you're experiencing difficulty with something as funamental as social interaction. But even neurotypical people will only relate to people who are like them, and share their vibe.
I am not saying 'do nothing, you're fine'. But don't blow this out of proportion. You're not absolutely hopeless. You don't have to change who you are. The people who will accept you as you are out there.
As for positive changes you can make, I cannot recommend enough a book called Awkward, by Ty Tashiro. There's practical information in there about things you can do to forge socia bonds with people. Basically he says keep the big picture in mind too. Forget about little strategies, and remember the traits people value in friends, and the ways they like to be treated.
This is true however, what do you think about the following:
To me at least, ADHD isn't so much of a condition (or atleast in daily life that's not how i experience it) but like you said; it just is who i am, it is what makes me, me; my personality. Therefore it often feels like personality wise or as a human i do not fit the bill, and so i feel like i am socially underdeveloped (due to me running into completely different socials problems)
Secondly, you're right about the fact that i should not change who I am. This is true, and as a matter of fact that's the only way in which i know that i can truly be happy, as it kills me knowing i cannot be myself. However, I do think that I should learn how to transform some of my qualities (for example inclinations talking too much etc.) In such a way, so that i can make my weak points my stronger qualities.
So for example; instead of only talking about myself, while talking fast and without context, i should be able to switch that energy over to my conversation partner, and give that energy to them, instead of taking it. I might be wrong about this though, but i feel like by doing this i can continue to be myself, while placing the ball in their court/field.
Examples which were not very strategic:
(Venting to a guy i met for the first time, while my girlfriend was close, about the shitty things my ex girlfriend did to me.) These instances just happen too many times, and i want not so much to change my personality but as to improve it, if that makes sense!
Sure. I wasn't saying 'you're fine, do nothing'. What you're talking about are those positive changes you can make.
But remember the big picture. Think about it this way..., why was venting to that guy a bad thing to do? Most people would say it's because there are social rules against being too familiar with people we've just met. But people like us can't be hemmed in by arbitrary rules like that. If it's your nature to be familiar with people you've just met, that's fine, and you shouldn't have to change that.
But as you know, venting to thay guy *was* still a bad thing to do. That's because that guy didn't consent to having a stranger dump his problems on him. Even with a close friend, you have to ask 'is it okay if I vent?'. It's putting emotional labour on that other person.
So this is where you have to think about how people want to be treated, and what traits they look for in friends. Don't go into social situations thinking 'don't be embarassing', go into them thinking 'be considerate and kind'. And if your nature is to be overfamiliar, maybe pay someone a compliment, or just be friendly.
I’ve found that ADHD often comes with the need to process information and work things out verbally with other people. Many of us struggle to process it all internally. This often leads to blurting out whatever is on top of our minds in an attempt to process and off load this mental burden. We don’t digest and store emotional and mental loads as quickly and efficiently as neurotypical brains.
That can make social interactions a little amusing or awkward depending on how you look at it. But what I hear you saying is you’d like to have more control over these interactions.
One possible solution is regular meetings with a therapist to process what’s on your mind. It helps build the ability to thoughtfully compartmentalize. Keep a written or digital list of the things that are bothering you and unburden them during this regular session. It’s a habit you may build that reduces the need to blurt out information publicly against your best wishes.
I have a sibling I call or text with my most outrageous feelings or takeaways. She laughs with me or tells me I’m way off base. I repay her in kind and we agree it’s best for society. Lol
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