How to help spouse get help

[mjsupportingspouse]

I’ve been reading the posts here and I’ve read other articles and blogs about adults with ADHD. I highly suspect that my spouse has it from so many indications throughout our 30+ years of marriage. That said he is so pained when I’ve brought about the subject to seek professional help. It’s affected our marriage considerably. I feel like I’m alone often and walk on pins and needles although I’ve drawn more boundaries. Still I am his constant assistant, helping with finding his keys, or his wallet or his tools and many many things that has to do with work. I am the main one who gets the deflection when his days are messed up AND I’m often told that I am the cause of why things don’t go well for him. I try to be compassionate but I’ve come back and yelled at him plenty that he’s incapable of being on time, has no respect, disorganized, not helpful and embarrassing etc etc. And upon hearing about others on the platform who are in his shoes I now can see my lack of compassion. He’s not broken nor was I sold a bill of goods that’s bad. QUESTION: For those of you who sought help on your own what was the tipping point for you? Is there anything I can do or say to encourage him that would resonate to him to give it a go too. I’m afraid I would have to walk away from this marriage if he doesn’t seek help because compassion or no compassion I feel battered emotionally. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and consideration.

[Gettingittogether]

Wow, that's a great question. I'll just speak for myself. I had long been treated for depression since going back to college--therapy. Around 40, I went on an antidepressant. All along I did a ton of reading on depression and all of that. And one day I took a new antidepressant that had a strang effect. It wasn't that I felt better (though I did). I had all kinds of energy and ability to prioritize my thoughts and order my thoughts .... and then I remembered reading that this antidepressant was an effective ADHD med for a small group of people. Bingo. And no, I won't mention the name of the antidepressant I was on because I don't want to prescribe.

Sounds like your husband just never developed any real curiosity about his mental health. And in the absence of any real curiosity and knowledge, he just defaulted to defensiveness. Lots of guys fall into this hole.

I say go get help for yourself. Because having a spouse like him (ADHD and ignorantly and defensively untreated) you have to be on your best or the relationship will just fall into a mudfight. So the best thing you can do for him is to get your own thinking and mental health to a high level. Then you can more consistently treat him with compassion and firm boundaries.

If the untreated ADHD spouse just never acknowledges his condition--and never aggressively works to get it treated--then you are in a really difficult position. It's just so unfortunate that in our society people could be suffering and struggling like your husband and yet there is this diagnosis (medical thinking) out there that could shed light on things--and point him in the direction of how to improve his life--and yet he never plugs into that. That's a very frequent occurrence.

And if you get married and have the wrong kind of job for someone with ADHD, then your condition just invites your partner to be critical. The problem is that critical posture turns you into a mother and him into a kid. You can't have a good relationship like that.

What are some of your husband's strengths?

[mjsupportingspouse in reply to Gettingittogether]

Thank you. Sage advice for sure. He’s rather a smart cookie, an excellent builder and master carpenter. Really knows his stuff from concrete framing trim tile cabinet installation you name it…he can build a house from scratch which many can’t. He also specializes in custom glass installation at some of the country’s premier museums and buildings in big cities. His clients love his work and although they know it’s not going to be done fast, it is going to be close to perfect once it’s done.

[Gettingittogether in reply to mjsupportingspouse]

Yep, there is a lot of ADHD perfectionism out there. I have struggled with it. So sounds like his downfall is probably paperwork ... billing? ... juggling working on a project and returning calls for possible clients? ... the bottom line is the adhd person really benefits from outsourcing paperwork and organization as much as possible ... hire an answering service ... ask someone else to do it ... and then (and usually this takes therapy and meds) the adhd person can learn to do the paper work in the most simple way that is minimally disruptive ... and your hubby could learn to work 10 percent faster ...

I used to do amazing work while missing deadlines ... and so I was constantly in torture--I'd feel good about my work, but my bosses were mad at me missing deadlines ... really whiplash ... hard to feel stable and secure in that scenario ... so you end up undermined ... because even when you do great work, there is a problem ... an ideal situation for your hubby might be ... doing super expensive work with clients who know it's going to take time ... the higher prices compensate for all the extra time he puts in ... You just have to really be creative with ADHD ... these days, for example, I never tell work people I have ADHD ... I just own up to "not being good at details" and "multiple deadlines" ... I just own that ... and I own my strengths ... I am high energy, I connect well with people, creativity ... When people ask me to for deadline work, I only agree to it if they agree to send me reminders each day for a week before the deadline ... I put in place all sorts of supportive systems ... but I couldn't do that i I was still in shame about my organization weeknesses ...

So claiming your strengths ironically is what allows people to admit their weaknesses and then to really create "work-arounds" ... some things you don't get better at ... so you create a work-around ... you keep asking: how can I avoid this? how can I minimize this? how can I make doing this easy and simple? ... ADHd have had too much shame and criticism to realize it's OK that they're terrible at finishing work fast and so on ....

[mjsupportingspouse in reply to Gettingittogether]

Thank you thank you!!!

[GabyLaw]

Why doesn't he want to seek help??? How can he be OK with you doing all this for him??

[mjsupportingspouse in reply to GabyLaw]

That perplexes me too. Perhaps it’s a by product of ADHD, you know like it’s a ‘can’t see the forest before the trees”? I hope it doesn’t come across as rude or flippant but I’m really thinking that might be the case when having ADHD and for that matter for those who don’t have ADHD. People can be so caught up in themselves or situations that they can’t step back and see the whole picture.

[Gettingittogether]

A close friend of mine had serious ADHD ... way worse than mine ... way worse ... well after I got my diagnosis, I called this friend and tried to be really polite ... read out the symptoms ... I'm loking forward to getting treated and excited about this new view of myself ... he barely acknowledged my words ... and didn't pursue a diagnosis ... not totally surprising as this guy's ADHD was really bad ... I called another friend ... did the same thing ... and the friend immediately said, "people at my job have been asking me if I had ADD for years." And he went and started treatment ... The second friend connected my words to what people had been saying at his job ... A key difference ... the second friend--who had people at his work telling him he had ADHD--he was actually quite popular and loved at work and popular among employees ... So he didn't have any real defensive ... his people skills carried him through success at his job...