It's not that I don't consider others... - CHADD's Adult ADH...

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It's not that I don't consider others feelings

KosmicKapri86 profile image

So I found out at the end of March that I have ADHD because I got suspended pending termination from a job I have had for 10 years but was late to everyday. Finally one of the new managers did not want to tolerate it regardless of how hard of a worker I am, but my union rep recommended I see a doctor & look into possibly having adhd & put me on a leave fighting for a last chance agreement. Before I can go back I have to figure this out so I have been putting my all into doing my research to understand the disorder that me & my daughter were diagnosed with recently. My self awareness is at an all time high, but it is tending to make me feel a little down at times.

I am going through a lot, being homeless but the only option I have is to sometimes stay at my alcoholic mother's, so that my 12 year old daughter doesn' have to sleep in a car. The problem though is that my mother & father cause us so much distress. They don't even believe in adhd it seems and they live in this fantasy world and refuse to look at facts & see that my daughter is struggling with adhd, anxiety & depression as well. She witnesses them talking bad to me all the time & if I say anything to her they are always interjecting & yelling at me, putting me down again as if I'm a child & have no right to tell my daughter anything. It confuses her because she knows how they are but they constantly put me down, call me names, yell at me to just leave but my daughter can stay & threaten to throw my things out. They yell at me to not scold her or tell her anything that may upset her. And when I tell her anything they say "No she doesn't need to do that, you do it, you are her mother stop being lazy and expect her to do what you want." Or they say well you don't listen to us so don't tell her what to do!

I am 34 years old, what do I need to listen to them about because they have never been encouraging to me or my brothers. I decided to start working at 15 years old, they didn't want me to do anything, never put me in any activities or showed any interest in me at all, they never encouraged college I did that on my own. So what do I need to listen to them about and when I ask them its met with them talking shit to me. Regardless though, they are saying - since I don't listen to them it's ok if my daughter doesn't listen to me and I need to shut up and not tell her anything.

She is confused because she knows how they are but on the other hand always hearing them say things like that about me makes her feel like I pick on her and don't really care about her. She says she knows that I have been doing my best trying to find us housing but it requires me to constantly be on the phone with social workers and homeless shelters and for me to go out and try to find any place I can get into and it takes me away from her sometimes and now she has such bad anxiety. I have 3 therapists I am seeing to learn how to be a better mom for my daughter & to get a handle on the adhd & ptsd from my parents. It took me almost 6 months to get any therapist, then all 3 returned my calls finally & they each help me with something different so I can't give up any of them. Growing up with a narcissistic, alcoholic & prescription addicted mother & a Codependent father who does whatever my mom wants has traumatized me more than I ever realized. It has played a huge role in who I am, how my relationships with people are & how I handle obstacles. I am doing everything in my power to get us out but it's so overwhelming especially because I'm trying to control my low frustration & my impulsive mouth. What can I do to keep the peace as much as I can without letting my parents continue to put me down because it is causing emotional disturbances in my daughter which is affecting her mood and school. Would it be better for us to live in a car?

10 Replies

Hi, I know how that feels. My father scolded me daily and I was locked in my room. My mom had to bring food to me, so I wouldn't starve. But no one of them wanted to talk with me. So they sent me to doctors and therapists. Nothing helped. Because I had to figure out who I was.

On my darkest hour, when I cried myself to sleep. I found the light. It was a wonderful place, where all my dark thought turned into amazing adventures. Since that day I have had fun every day and forgave all the bad things my parents and friends and bullies had done to me.

For over 14 years I had an amazing thought that keep me happy and no matter how cruel life is, I still find the positive and hope within myself to keep going forward with a smile. 😊

If you want, I can teach you my technique. It has helped everyone in my life, my parents, my brother, my friends, my girlfriend, and all strangers that I meet.

As long as they agreed on that they wanted my help and advice. Because I never would force someone to do something they feel uncomfortable with doing.

It can also help everyone around you to realize how you feel about ADHD.

Or at the very least, have endless fun conversations that are for everyone. 😄

This sounds extremely overwhelming, both for resurfacing pain on your end, to the guilt that your daughter is going through it. If you know that they are at least decent to your daughter you should try to give yourself small breaks away from that environment, and have a heart to heart with your daughter so she knows how much you care and that you're working hard. Ask her to spare some patience for you while you get everything lined up. Tell her you're proud of her for doing her best to handle this and that right now it's best to get along with your parents even if they're "silly"

Detaching from your parents abuse is easier said than done, generally in a situation like that I try to think from their perspective of who they think I am and just go along with it. They should run out of steam faster I would hope, rather than feeling challenged and needing to defend their point. A lot of people like that are so set in their ways because they generally have underlying issues they buried all their life and they have super unhealthy mindsets. There's nothing to be done about it because they don't think they are a problem.

It does feel terribly unfair we seem to have to carry at least some of the issues our parents imparted on us forever, but at the same time it can be both humbling and make a lot of room for easy improvement. I hope you come out of the other end in a much much better place. Hang in there, and never stop looking for other shortcuts or avenues that will help you get back on your feet

KosmicKapri86 profile image
KosmicKapri86 in reply to

Thank you! My case manager happened to get me into temporary housing until Jan but it's at a old beat up hotel that my daughter feels uncomfortable in, but I told her I have to stay there sometimes because if they see me there then it will be easier to get them to help me find an apartment before I have to go back to work. It is right down the street from my mother's so I have been using it as an office and have been going there to apartment search turn in applications for dozens of waitlists already and to do my therapy sessions since I have to be very vulnerable and that's not something I can do at my parents because if I don't play the "part" they want me to then its instant fighting. But when I have to leave for a night my daughter calls me crying and can't sleep. It is really stressful for me because I had told her before it happened that this is what I have to do to be able to get us out of my parents and into our own place. She says she knows but she can't help feeling lonely but she doesn't want to come with me because she can't leave our cat. Our other cat passed away so he has been super clingy lately and follows us around and sleeps with us and cries when we aren't home so she won't leave him. I told her as soon as we find a place we are taking him with us so she can stop worrying but my first concern will always be her and sometimes that means the cat will just have to wait. It's just so hard!

Cat sleeping on my bed
in reply to KosmicKapri86

I'm happy to hear things are moving forward, I hope one day your daughter will grow up and look back on how hard you worked for their future with a lot of love and respect for you and it all feels worth it. It's times like these that the online distance is a bummer! It would be great if you had some more in person help. Sorry to hear about kitty passing, I just recently lost one of mine too. I'm glad the other kitty is there to offer extra comfort. Kitty will be ok though they're good at being self sufficient, they just like to act like babies when they can get the attention (in my experience haha, mine are whiney) Maybe if it's possible later a heated pet bed could offer kitty some comfort. Sometimes it's little things that make life more bearable in the mean time.

You are in a difficult situation right now that is only temporary and you are doing the best you can . You didn’t say if you were on medication or not but medication helps you think more clearly. It can also help you deal with the stress and feeling down.

Hang in there, you are working so hard and putting up with so much, but it's going to get better because of the work you are putting in. You will get through this. I don't know how you are accessing therapy, or other services (like what kind of agency), but I would argue that you are experiencing pretty serious emotional abuse in your parents household - which most domestic violence agencies will provide support around. They may be able to help pay for therapy, provide safer shelter, or help with transitional housing and other services. If nothing else, you and can definitely call their hotline for support and coping skills help.

Hello. I am very sorry in the situation that you and your daughter are in, because it really is a very difficult and complicated situation. There are no places where you can stay (that offer for people who are homeless) for as long as you need until you have a job again? Because from what you say, you and your daughter would be much better off. In my opinion, it is not healthy for your mind to live with your parents with that behavior towards you. If you already know that your mother will not be able to change her way of behaving even by setting limits, it is best that you and your daughter try to find another place where you can feel calmer. That's my opinion, but I don't know if it's the best. I wish you good luck and strength to always continue forward with positivity.

This phrase has helped me cope in challenging times, "Don't judge myself or others, minimize harm, know this will pass" Repeat in mind and out loud as often as needed. Works well with deep breathing too. Also, was told chronic latenesswas #1 sign of ADHD in women. Time blindness is very real!

Just a heads up: if you've been struggling with your life and job and getting places on time and all of that, yes, sounds like ADHD, but you should also know that ADHD is highly corrected with depression and/or anxiety. In other words, get yourself checked for depression as well.

Depression is weird because some people just become used to not feeling good and they assume that how they feel, their low moods, is all externally based. And yes, external factors affect our mood for sure. Your living situation sounds so demoralizing. But there is also a brain hole we can fall into ... and right now, you want to be functioning at your peak. So get yourself checked for depression. The same people who diagnosed your ADHD should check for depression.

Thank you and yes I have found out its more than just adhd but also anxiety, depression and ptsd. Probably why the Adderall didn't help. As I have been going through therapy (I have 3 therapists I talk to) and I am learning what emotions are and starting to try and learn coping mechanisms for my anxiety, I am becoming a lot more patient. Before I focus so much on the adhd I think I need to focus on the anxiety because it clears my mind and makes it easier to handle the adhd without medication. I do not feel depressed though, it's just after trying so hard and when I think I have done everything right my job needs more paperwork or a doctor filled something out wrong and I just get frustrated and feel defeated for a moment but it never keeps me down. I know that if I don't get back up and continue to fight for what I want changed, nobody else is going to do it for me. So I won't feel defeated for more than an hour or 2 and I really don't feel like it's so much depression, but more the anxiety and adhd.

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