How do you get your partner to start treatment?

[Jay_B]

Hello all, I have a situation where my wife got assessed for ADHD this February and was diagnosed with the same shortly thereafter. It has been 9 months and I feel the symptoms have worsened but she feels that ADHD is not the reason for it. While most of the problems that we face are manageable, some are not and clearly getting out of control. Is there some to get her to see the light so that we can start treatment before its too late? I think at the back of her mind she knows the truth but is not ready to face it. Living in denial is not helping either of us and only making matters worse. Ultimatums do not seem to work as well. Another way of asking this question is: When does an ADHD person realize its time to start treatment? And how can the non-ADHD partner help in this process?

[JenJacobson]

Hi @jay_B, This is a difficult situation for both of you and I'm sorry for how it's affecting your relationship. In my experience, the person with ADHD usually seeks treatment when they can no longer bear to keep living with the negative effects of the disorder. This breaking point is different for everyone. For me, the breaking point was literally being kicked by a horse because I was distracted and looking at my phone. Talk about a wake-up call!

The best thing you can do is to continue to support her and be there for her in a non-judgmental way. Ask her how she feels about the diagnosis. Really listen to her answers. Let her know, from your perspective, how this is affecting the relationship. Use statements such as "When you ______, I feel _____". Example, "When you zone out during our conversations, I feel ignored".

I wish there was an easy way to get someone on board with treatment, but she has to come to the realization herself.

Best of luck to you both in navigating this difficult situation.

[Mymedsworeoff]

Sorry to hear that I'm in quite the same boat but I have ADHD. My girlfriend has had a difficult time. When I'm lost in space and she's crying in front of me and I want to help her so bad to feel better but most of the time it blows my mind.. Sometimes it's that change.. Once u take that med it's a whole new the real u.. My girlfriend just asked me straight out could u please try this if it not for u,but I believe if she took that chance things change fast.... I'm happy ur reaching out to people information is the best.. O I would definitely try talking about this in a conversion in something she's very interested in combination of both subjects will keep her attention..

[jilllewis84]

I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I'm in a similar place with my partner. I have ADHD and I see so many symptoms in him. Hearing about symptoms used to resonate with him but his therapist of many years (who doesn't specialize in ADHD) said she thinks it's *probably* something else. Now he's super defensive around the idea of getting assessed or even discussing how symptoms show up and cause problems for us.

It's hard to get through to an ADHDer sometimes, often because the block is usually a combination of things that are emotional and neurobiological and the struggle to make sense of a late in life diagnosis. Seriously, when you're like me and diagnosed in your 30s it's real work to unpack the impact ADHD has had on your life and to try to reconcile that with it going unrecognized this whole time. It's such an unsettling contradiction. And starting a new life can be daunting. In part because we worry that, "what if I do treatment and it turns out ADHD isn't actually the reason for my struggles? What if I really am just broken?" When you're at the end of your rope even potentially positive change is a frightening break from the familiar.

But that doesn't mean your partner will always have this resistance. Or that you should accept when ADHD symptoms come out in ways that are hurtful to you or harmful to your relationship. But do try to create as much space and gentleness for both of you as possible. Some people find that ultimatums work, but it sounds like you've given it a try and that's not for you guys, so you can let that go. (It's not us either. Now I feel like we're paying the price for me having pushed so hard for years.) When you stop saying "ADHD" that can help, and instead turn to how to address symptoms it can take a lot of weight off. For example, "we need to pay these bills and the system we have in place is not getting done. Is there another thing we can try to make sure it happens?" Like that, making things more collaborative and allowing your partner to be in charge of what makes their life easier. Build confidence is huge, since ADHD undermines so many of our efforts. Making it mutual so that they're also helping you with reminders and accountability is a good way to make sure you're supporting them and not just becoming responsible for them. (Also when my partner stops "checking in" with me about my stuff, it's an early sign my check-ins aren't working for him and we can reassess and find another system before the ball gets dropped on something big.)

It might also be useful for you to read up on ADHD in relationships. Melissa Orlov's books are really good for that. It's helpful for avoiding common pitfalls in relationships and finding other work-arounds then a lot of the dynamics we fall into when one or both partners have ADHD. Plus, it's reassuring to normalize your experiences. It's a long road though. Like others have commented there's always the "one thing" that make us sit up and get treatment -- but it takes all the other things that lead up to that moment for it to have that impact. You guys will get there.