I’ve posted on here before but I’m more desperate now than ever to at least improve my life somehow. I feel like a failure and I’m tired of it. I have negative thought patterns and low self esteem at times. I’m given to self doubt and convincing myself that people don’t really like me or if they do I convince myself that they are just pretending to like me but behind my back they think I don’t have anything together and think I’m a failure. I see slot of good qualities in myself and good intentions but many times they are overshadowed by my constant brain fog, inability to stay on task, inability to stay focused or pin my brain down long enough to make it function properly. I’m always late and I hate it. Time makes zero sense to me and I have no concept of it. I can’t get things done on time ever and I procrastinate. Most of the time I do my best work under pressure and when I procrastinate but it’s still no way to live because sometimes it costs me and makes me look like I don’t care when nothing could be further from the truth. It’s just that I don’t know any other way to be and can’t force myself to be different because this is biologically how I am wired. Most people don’t forget to fill their gas tank all the time and then run out or lose their keys constantly or continually put everything off until the last minute but here I am with no other way to be. Even my best intentions always make something go wrong which is what hurts the most!!!! I’ll give you an example- I cleaned my car out which is something I put off doing a lot which results in a car that’s always messy and disorganized and chaotic like my life is. Well when I finally decided it would be nice to get in a car for work in the morning that isn’t filled with clutter, I went out and cleaned it out and I was so proud of myself! Finally I’m doing something good to help myself feel better I thought, wow I’m doing what “normal” people do! And it felt good! My husband had a very important firefighting physical test the next day and if he missed it he would have lost out on this whole program that he has been working towards for months. Well, when I cleaned out my car, I had taken the garage keys out with me to grab something from in the garage like a rag or something I needed for cleaning. I then set the garage keys in my car and forgot about them during my cleaning. He needed them to get into the garage to have the car he needed to drive to the firefighting test. Also I had the stupid key fob that you need to start that car up as well. So he calls me in a panic the next day while I’m at work and flips out and is understandably upset, pissed off and disappointed at me. But all I wanted to do was clean out my car and try to feel not as scatterbrained for once. I didn’t want to cause my husband to miss out on a great opportunity for him, I didn’t want to look like a careless person who can’t think ahead to the little things like remembering he needs those keys. It ended up working out thank God because he was able to use our other car which is a little older and has some problems but he still made it on time and passed it with flying colors. Anyways my intentions are always good but the worst is what ends up showing even when I try my hardest so it feels like a losing game. In second grade my teacher always sent home notes that I couldn’t pay attention and it began to affect my self esteem then. She even got everyone nice candy at the end of the year for their personalities like “smarties” and told that child it was because they had done well academically that year, and laffy taffy and told that child it was because they always cracked jokes, etc. and then when my turn came to go up she said in front of everyone- you get the milky way bar because you’re always out in space and can’t pay attention. Yeah she was a terrible person and teacher and she is where I began to feel different from others.
I struggle with the thought of medication even though it might help me because I worry it will make me less creative and I won’t be “me” anymore. And it sucks to feel like you need medication to fit in to society. My mother had this too though, she was the same way as me. All I want is the good aspects of who I am to shine through and the bad to go away. Is there anyone who has struggled like me and found that natural remedies help you? I would love to find a natural route like supplements in combination with therapy. Also being on time and procrastination is the biggest thing, what has anyone done to conquer that aspect? Please help me 💕 thank you!
*I should add that ever since about 2013 I have eliminated anything with artificial flavors and colors from my diet and we eat really clean and organic but I still may be missing supplements that my brain needs and could probably still cut out more sugar and drink more water.