A long mess.

[foreverrain]

I was always a studious kid. Interested in drawing, playing flute etc. But I couldn't communicate my feelings properly. So I was left behind by my friends circle. My parents were obsessed with my 1st rank and 10/10 . So was I, bc it made them happy and they would praise me. I used to procastinate and complete my assignment right before deadline - anyways somehow I ended up with 10/10. That's my entire childhood in a summary.

But as I entered senior high school, alongwith my procastination, I didn't liked studying anymore. Anxiety, frustration, doing anything except studies, losing my focus, not able to concentrate for a longer period of time - I had a free fall from topper to drop out. My teachers, parents - mocked me. My parents asked me, more like accused me - '' WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU ?! '' . I didn't feel safe enough with them to open up. When I did twice, both of them discarded off my mental health issues as laziness. Trust doesn't exist in our family. I ran away to a psychiatrist, but he ended up giving me some bunch of medicines, interrogating me infront of other patients in an open space regarding my issues and thanks to my anxiety, it didn't go well.

I'm 25yo now. With a dream to be surgeon, work in MSF/ICRC but also with ADHD. I've dropped out from college for two times bc I don't like studying those courses. I've appeared in medical school entrance ( In my country you just have to be school passed with 60% to appear in med school entrance ) for six times including this year and have failed in each of them. The problem is I can't study, no matter what I do. I keep making plans, then make them again bc I failed to follow the previous one. It has been going on for six years. The concepts, numericals, formulaes of Physics, the syllabus of the exam doesn't scare me. I'm not scared tbh. I'm just stuck. This entire thing feels like a quicksand and I've no one to pull me out. I feel like I've completely f*cked up my life.

[forgetsalot]

Hi Foreverrain, I feel for you. It sounds like you have had a lot of barriers in your way throughout your life. I am sorry your parents did not recognize that you had ADHD as a child but the fact that you persevered is remarkable. The doc you saw as a child must have been traumatizing. I now realize that I had ADHD as a child and I struggled a lot. But I am now 41 and I have a Masters degree however I was not diagnosed until now (2 weeks ago). I had to learn how to study in college because I did not learn anything as a child. But I found what worked. Basically I have to go to tutor lab or get a tutor and learn the information by reading it, writing it out, and seeing it many ways until my brain digests it. I wish I had treatment through college as it would have made it so much easier. I had to work much harder than my peers and I was exhausted all the time.

My question to you is: have you talked to a psychiatrist as an adult? I think that would be so beneficial for you. I got on stimulants and seeing how it goes. Currently I feel stuck like you but in my career. I can't hold a 9am-5pm because it is so stressful so I am an entrepreneur but I can't organize my goals, stick to them, etc without getting bored, distracted and I needed 3 hrs naps daily. So far the medication helps me stay awake all day and I can read and focus longer but I want to learn new coping strategies. CHAAD has support groups and workshops and I am reading self help books like "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy" by Kate Kelly and Driven to Distraction (Revised) by Hallowell.

Anyway, I would love to cheer you on and offer more tips. Please message me in the chat if you want/need. I think you are so courageous and brave to want to be a surgeon! There are a lot of very successful people with ADHD!!!