This is my first post here and I’m very new to this so forgive me if I get my words wrong!
My spouse is waiting for a diagnosis consultation. Since adhd has been in our minds it has made sense of so much of his life.
We’ve had a really strained relationship recently and have split a couple times but the love is still massive and hard to walk away from. I can see that all the scenarios where we have issues are adhd related and it makes sense now. He’s so loving and generous and a really nice person, but sometimes doesn’t act like it (dismissive, argumentative, rsd explosions are huge & destructive & have been violent) I end up feeling not thought of, not considered, an inconvenience, bottom of the priority list if I’m even on it, & have no security. It has completely battered me.
The thing is it seems easy to me, but I’m aware it might not be with adhd. And now that he’s accepted and understands himself more, at some point has to start working with it to make life more manageable. I read through posts of how you guys are working to understand yourselves & manage your symptoms & I’m optimistic. He seems to be going the other way and giving into all his impulses and fixations, surrendering to the chaos, taking on more & more projects and stresses, rather than learn how to manage it.
Is it something that is too difficult to do without help of meds? Have other partners on here found that a diagnosis and treatment has helped? Please help me ride this out! I’m exhausted, burnt out and empty of patience and I can’t take any more pain and rejection myself.
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It's hard to say without knowing either of you, but I think it's very important to note that ADHD can be an explanation for tendencies and behaviors, but it is never an excuse for harming other people. Problems that may be caused largely by underlying ADHD and can be worked through with open communication between spouses and better management of ADHD symptoms might be things like forgetfulness, messiness, impulsive behavior, or mistakes with finances or decision-making. Problems like abuse are simply abuse.
You said that when he gets angry, it can be "destructive" and "violent"? That really worries me. RSD or not, he needs to put his whole self into learning to manage his emotional reactions in a healthy way, and he needs to have started that yesterday. Getting an ADHD diagnosis can be relief; it can make so many things make so much more sense. But the next step from there, like you noted, is to work on symptom management and to repair the relationships that have been harmed as a result. If he's using this new self-understanding to actively hurt your relationship - and, more importantly, to put you at risk - then this may not be a relationship you can salvage. I'm so sorry. But the truth is, relationships are a two-way street. No matter how much work you put in to "fix" it, nothing will change if he can't meet you halfway.
If you're not already getting couples' counseling, I would recommend looking into it. I also think you may want to talk to a professional on your own, to get the support that you also need. Lastly, the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft may prove insightful/relevant. If it's not, you don't have to finish it, but I personally think it's worth a read for anyone in a new or struggling romantic relationship, and can be informative in very difficult situations.
If nothing changes, or if you EVER feel that your safety is at risk for any reason, you may need to give yourself some distance or break it off altogether. You deserve to feel considered, cared for, prioritized, and cherished in your relationship. The fact that you don't even feel "secure" is heartbreaking.
If I may, I'd advise that you consider very carefully whether ADHD is really the underlying issue here. It may be part of it, to be sure - but there's a big difference between someone who truly loves you and wants the best for you and your relationship and is willing to put in the work to overcome their impulsiveness and manage their emotional reactions in healthy ways, and someone who's using ADHD as an excuse to continue acting in selfish, cruel, dangerous, or abusive ways. From your description, I worry that this situation may be closer to the latter.
Good luck with everything. I hope that it all works out for you, and please be safe. I'll be thinking about you.
I suppose I’m at the point now of wondering how much can be put down to a condition and how much is him refusing to face his behaviours and something else is going on, like you say.
There is the added complication of some childhood trauma and that he has a brain injury, frontal lobe, so has been recovering from that in the last few years and dealing with a lot of pain. Cognitive functioning is impaired as is emotional regulation and there’s lots of overlap & BI and ADHD seem to exacerbate each other. Brain fatigue & physical fatigue has meant he can’t get much done so thats limited the chaos of unfinished projects slightly at least.
I had to leave our home last June after an outburst and haven’t seen significant change that would make me feel comfortable being there again. But I’ve lost my home & garden & see my stepson a lot less, so I’m devastated. His daughter won’t talk to him any more so I’ve lost her too (he tried to blame me for that at one point 🙄).
We’ve had couples therapy over the last 18 months and it has made a difference. He struggles though with feeling like it can’t all be his fault and why is it always him that has to change. I don’t know how to talk about these things any more in a constructive way, without him feeling shamed. But really to me it is such basic rules for good behaviour that I’m exasperated trying to explain. How do you explain why it is important to consider other people’s feelings? I don’t know if this is an adhd thing or him using that as a convenient excuse so he be a man-child & not take any responsibility for himself.
So if I’m being a bit blunt.
An example of the most extreme behaviour is when he’d missed his afternoon sleep so was tired when we had plans in the evening. So I said I’d go home then instead and leave him to it, rather than stay and be cross & upset with him. That led to him throwing all my plants and other belonging out of the doors and windows & a bag of pots at my face, turned into the hulk in the doorway and wouldn’t let me get my bag from inside the house, shouting at me that its all my fault and well done, I’ve lost paradise. Even now he can’t see how that was a disproportionate reaction and tries to blame me for it. And says that it was my choice to leave, he never made me move out. He genuinely feels like the victim in all this.
He knows that he needs structure and routine, but gets very emotional and overwhelmed and feels like he can’t do it. It takes him ages to get around to setting up systems like phone alarms, and then he’s so anti-authority that he ignores his own systems anyway.
He sees a psychotherapist but at times has had a break and then everything spirals down and he has to pluck up courage to make another appointment - which is always a battle.
When he’s maintaining structure, keeping balanced life, eating well, exercising etc, he’s like a different man. So loving etc. But for some reason he doesn’t maintain it.
I feel so badly for the difficult space you’re in and want you to know you’re not alone. I completely identify with the feeling that one is married to a partner who is wonderful, generous, loving, and intelligent at his core, but so wrapped around with destructive ADHD behaviors that sometimes the person one fell in love with disappears completely. My husband has been hyper focused on current politics (his views have taken a 360 from what they were 30 years ago when we married, and I simply can’t go there). It’s seemed to magnify his feelings of dissatisfaction and disenfranchisement, which I believe stem, in part, from his ADHD. He’s in denial and blames the problems we have on me, rather than trying to work things through for himself and for our relationship. I still see that wonderful person at his core often enough to keep me hanging on, but I no longer try to help him. I focus on me and how I can become the person I want to be, even when living with his constant anger, resentment and negativity. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I know I need to find more ways to cope and hopefully to thrive. It may be that the person I want to be can’t exist in this situation, but for now, I continue to try and to celebrate the person I fell in love with so many years ago.
Thank you for replying. I relate to all that you say.
Me or our relationship gets blamed for all his stresses and negative emotions.
I’ve lived for a few years trying to look out for myself despite him but then I think, why bother? It would be easier to look after myself and be single, without the stress of being in his orbit. The love has kept me there but honestly now I feel so exhausted and my health & energy levels have been impacted that it’s not worth it any more.
And it feels very heavily unbalanced. He doesn’t put much energy or thought into me or us, unless it also means he gets a dopamine hit from buying me a present.
He’s on his own journey now and can come to his own conclusions. I’m not going to tell him what to do but I do know what I’m not willing to put up with.
Hi again. After reading more about your situation, I’m going to say that this might be the time to seek legal counsel. My husband has suffered severe head trauma, as well, and it’s hard to know what causes what, but the behaviors you’re describing are not OK, whatever the source. Emotional disregulation is one thing, but you’re talking about dangerous and physically abusive situations. You should not be the one having to give up your home, and need to seek legal recourse to take care of yourself. I have a great deal of empathy for those who struggle with neuroatypical brain function and have great regard and respect for how much it takes just to keep their heads above water each day, but abuse is abuse and should not be tolerated. Take good care of yourself, my dear.
When I first suspected and explored the idea that I had ADHD, my non-adhd partner immediately pointed out that this would become yet another excuse for bad behaviour. I was forced to concede this was a very real risk and I accepted the point from my partner. Acceptance of the problem was the vital first step. Only then can we start the process of repairing the relationship. My current strategy is to identify the key stress points in our relationship and put in place mitigations that directly address the stress. For example, I very often lose track of my possessions and this causes me distress. In the past I have sought to deflect the blame for my short term memory deficits by blaming other people for moving my possessions, often my partner. I realised that this was mostly a feature of my ADHD and made a promise to my partner: I will never blame you for moving my possessions when I can't find them, I will accept that I alone am responsible for them. In this way we are making progress. It's slow progress and I still feel the negative emotions but my partner sees the difference and it's given us both hope for the future. If we've got hope, we've got a chance and that is a cause for optimism. I think we can make it.
So lovely to hear your optimism, thanks for commenting. I hope for that kind of realisation one day. ADHD has only been on the radar since January so its early days really 🤞🏼. When I pointed out my concerns about it being an excuse, my partner got offended and denied that would happen. He often isn’t very realistic, maybe because of low self esteem and that would mean facing his ‘failings’?
I can and do see small steps of improvement and try to focus on them. Trouble is at the moment the rate at which new problems occur hasn’t slowed so there’s a backlog of shit to clear & that can be overwhelming.
I hope you can make it. Your approach to it seems spot on.
Your partner is lucky they have such an understanding and tolerant partner. Many people walk away from us and it really hurts our self esteem. My self esteem is completely shattered from years of inexplicable failure. I'm currently reading a book called, The courage to be disliked, by Kishimi and Koga. It is a distillation of the philosophy of a psychiatrist called Alfred Adler. This method explains and addresses the feelings of inferiority that seem to be very common amongst ADHD people. It's helping me a lot.Good luck and hang in there!
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