Need some advice, please.

[Ri94]

So I posted on here a while ago about waiting to get diagnosed with ADHD.

I got diagnosed back in November with ADHD, combined type and major depressive disorder. I've been trying to take it in since then, I have been put on anti-depressants but yet to have any meds for ADHD as they say my depression is really bad. It's affecting my home life, partner and children, I feel like I have failed at life.

My partner keeps telling me that I'm the only person who can change my situation but I don't know how to. I feel trapped in an ongoing circle where I'm constantly the problem. I don't know how to change or where to even start.

[JW621]

Set some boundaries

[Alan0127]

Ri,

I can relate to your post. I have been taking Adderall consistantly for about 7 months. It took a while to get the right dose but this is working for me. Honestly, if I skip taking it, the whole world goes dark on me and I get an abiding feeling that "Oh crap! Something is VERY wrong!". It is not connected to any reality though. Adderall is very fast acting, about 20 minutes for me. I can feel the mood go away in about a half an hour of taking it. I take it every four hours during the day. I make sure it is still 'on board' until about 9:00 at night.

I had both depression and ADHD (have I should say) but it has gotten much better. I am agreeable, not feeling paranoid that people don't like me or that I am screwing my life up.

I had to 'tell' my doctor that I needed Adderall. She started me out on a low dose and it didn't work well. I am at 10mg every 4-5 hours now. It took a while to 'feel' the difference between being on it and not. If you calm down when you are around other people and don't feel the anxiety that you described so well in your post, its working. Be patient and try the ADHD drugs. The anti-depressants take a while to get the proper dose of. I would say to push for Adderall or Vyvance they kick in within 90 minutes so you don't have to wait. My doctor says I can take Adderall and Wellbutrin at the same time. She wants me to switch because of my age and the potential side effects of Adderall on my heart. Frankly I would rather have a sudden heart attack than go back to feeling exactly the way you describe feeling though.

[Birdwatcher19]

How long have you been taking the antidepressant? For an SSRI, it’s typically 4-6 weeks to notice some positive effects and a few months to get the full benefit, so if you’ve been taking it since November and haven’t seen any improvement, I’d say it’s worth having a conversation with your doctor about maybe trying something else. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that is also used to treat ADHD, so that’s one idea. Many people also take stimulant medication concurrently with antidepressants. Personally, my stimulant medication has a positive impact on my mood, but I wasn’t clinically depressed when I started taking it. Still, some thoughts you can bring to your doctor to discuss. Are you working with a therapist? I highly recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy to help with the depression. I know it can feel overwhelming when you want to change but don’t even know where to begin; they should be able to help you narrow in on a place to start. If you like to read and are interested, I can recommend a couple of books, too. You haven’t failed at life, you just need a little help (as we all do at times) to get to the best version of you there is. I have been there! Hang in there, and I hope you are feeling better soon!

[2000sunflowers]

Wow, you took the words out of my mouth. I am diagnosed and treated for ADHD but I have been going through a rough patch lately where i’m in a never-ending cycle of failure. I feel like something else is wrong with me but it doesn’t fully add up. Whenever I get depressed and hate myself, it is usually because of my stress from school getting too much. So i feel like that isn’t enough to get diagnosed with depression since it is influenced by outside factors. But my self esteem is at absolute zero and I can’t get myself to do anything i don’t want to do.

I know I need to see a therapist to figure out what the problem is. Maybe i’m depressed, or maybe I just have really bad self-esteem issues. Either way, i have been doing a lot of research about it. They say that in addition to medication, to deal with ADHD or depression you need to be seeing a therapist to figure out good coping strategies for yourself. ADHD symptoms are made worse by depression, so once that gets under control then ADHD treatment will be really helpful. Just try your best not to beat yourself up too much, because I promise you are doing better than you think. We all have shit going on and it’s okay to struggle sometimes. If you are struggling, that says NOTHING about who you are as a person. Depression and ADHD take out a lot of energy from a person, so just dealing with that leaves such little energy left from doing “normal people” things. A lot of the stress that neurodiverse people endure are due to being forced to live in a neurotypical world. We fall behind, and blame ourselves for it. It’s a hard life, but your struggles aren’t your fault.

[Ri94]

Thank you guys for replying.

It is so hard sometimes to try and be the role model my children need when I'm not even the person I need to be. My partner says he understands but he gets stressed and frustrated with me all the time. Sometimes I feel they would all be better off if I left them to it. I make the same mistakes over and over again that my relationship is literally on its last legs. I feel sorry for being me a lot of the time and wish I could change.

I have been on antidepressant medication for about 8 weeks now. I feel like it helps and it doesn't if that makes sense. It is like as soon as my partner moans at me, the world just swallows me up. I lack patience for anything anymore even sitting doing homework with the kids is enough to frustrate me.

I feel guilty, I have changed a lot since I met my partner nearly 10 years ago. I was never this bad, I constantly ask myself what happened, why do I feel like I'm going downhill. Does ADHD get worse with age?

[Birdwatcher19 in reply to Ri94]

It definitely has gotten worse for me with age. I was only diagnosed a couple of years ago, in my 40s. Before then, I was able to mostly manage. I would have occasional bouts of mild depression and anxiety, but I could push through them. And then one day I just couldn’t anymore, and I felt like I was drowning. ADHD medication has helped a lot, as did learning to recognize my negative thought patterns and change my self-talk. It makes sense that your antidepressant helps but doesn’t because it’s not treating your ADHD, and won’t address cognitive distortions (this is what CBT can help with). Some of it is just acceptance as well. I try my best, but I know I will still make mistakes. I will still screw up dinner often, I will forget to buy things when I go to the store, I will sometimes be less patient with the kids than I’d like to be (homework IS frustrating!), etc. But I won’t beat myself for those things anymore, and I won’t believe I’m a bad mom because of them. I try to remember all the good things I do for my family. I’m sure you are doing many more things right than you are giving yourself credit for. You can be a good role model for your kids simply by acknowledging that you’re not perfect, because nobody is, and by working on the things that need improvement.

[lodopo]

Hi, I hope you have a therapist. So often people focus on bad stuff and then they feel bad. Often a life struggling with adhd can lead to depression which is such a rip off. Are you reflecting and perseverating on your struggles and hard time. I sense some shame in your post. It would be interesting to know how you are talking to yourself. You have a partner and children - what a blessing and gift. Can you say more about your inner narrative?