New and Needing Some Advice

[ADHDPastor]

Hi all!

I’m new to this community. I’m a 29 yo (m) pastor living in a small town on the Oregon/Idaho border. I’m looking for help and advice today from you all. For context, I grew up a very gifted child. I had no trouble memorizing things for school, barely cracked books, graduated from high school, college, and recently a master’s program all with honors. However, I’ve always struggled in so many other areas. I really was the thoughtless, absent-minded professor type, struggling with organization, discipline, and so on. I consistently struggled (and still do) in maintaining relationships of any kind, and never have had any good self-motivation or habit. After getting married 5 years ago to a wonderful gal, having two kids, and getting a new job/moving, I had a mental health crisis last year and took a month off to rest from burnout. During that time, I was diagnosed with ADHD, which put a lot of pieces in place. I’m now on meds, but I’m looking for more. I’m dissatisfied with the state of my relationships, frustrated by my lack of job performance, and unhappy with my own self-motivation. My question for you all is this: how do you maintain accountability in your life and/or how do you develop rhythms to stay productive and balanced?

TIA

[Prussic]

Hi ADHDPastor. I’m a 47 yo male with ADHD. I was just diagnosed and on meds since last year so I’m still learning a lot on how to handle life well.

To answer specific questions regarding accountability: 1. I regularly meet with an elder in my church who knows all my shit. I’m open and honest with him and he helps me see where I can improve and, importantly, where I am legitimately doing well.

2. I use as bullet journal and am honest with folks if I double book, forget appointments, etc. I don’t excuse my behavior but own it, apologize, and remember that tomorrow is a new day.

3. Counseling and therapy. My wife and I are in counseling due to sin on my part and my mental health struggles. My wife is a very high functioning super smart capable woman. Counseling is helping me see how my ADHD and bi-polar hurt her. I see a therapist alone once a week also.

Rythyms

I’m still trying to get these nailed down. When I can remember to do them it helps greatly : consistent bed time. Consistent wake up time, checking in with my bullet journal twice a day. No screens after 9(mostly my phone). Doing something with my hands at night that’s quiet. I knit.

Because of our past and current struggles it’s hard for my wife to help me or empathize with the issues I face. If your wife is on your side ask her for help with one thing you want to improve on and work to improve it.

My kids are 14 and 20 and the 20 yo is out of the house. I’ve given them full permission to confront me if I’m out of line. They do. It hurts. But it also helps me see where and how my words, actions, etc, are not right and investigate the WHY behind the action.

So to sum up, be open and vulnerable with safe people, work on only one rythym till you have it cold, own your shit, find a professional who knows ADHD to talk to.

[STEM_Dad]

Welcome to the forum ADHDPastor !

(Hey, I used to live somewhere straight north of you, on the Idaho-Washington border!)

I'll try to come back with some feedback, but it looks like someone already had some good advice.

[Mamamichl]

Welcome! I lived in that area a few years back. I had a hard time connecting with people since I didn’t really fit in with people. I grew up in Michigan. I learned that people communicate differently and some places accept quirkiness more than others. I’m more accepted now that I’m back in Michigan.

As for trying to get your feelers out, what hobbies do you have? Maybe make a list of things you like to do or talk about. I presume it’s some things outside of church? I know churches are great for community building, but that is only one common interest. You are also able to make friends virtually through forums like this and discord. Find groups with common interests. For me, verbal doesn’t work well, so I like to stick with text-based forums.

[Prairiefrontporch]

I have a whiteboard in my kitchen. I use it for everything. I dont book myself too much to do. I have adopted a slower paced, minimalist approach to my life and it’s been helping. I got rid of bags and bags of clutter from my house, simplified my entire life. Pared down my commitments, got rid of social media, adopted a minimal wardrobe.. and most of all truly made God my Center. I listen to sermons and podcast everyday to remind myself it’s not people I need to please, as this was a huge thing for me . God has helped me to find these solutions and I’m thankful.also-. I send myself emails as soon as I have something I want to remember. I had multiple breakdowns before this and I have really found these things to really be useful. My life is getting better with time