Sustained attention vs. distractions whilst relaxing

[jschoolfailure]

Every time things seem to be getting better with my wife and, I do something small, but stupid and inconsiderate that removes all the good work I've done.

Friday, we were watching her favorite reality show, that I don't really care for, but I know she loves it. We watched it for maybe three to four hours and I started to get tired. This whole week I've been reading through some John Gottman books and pulling notes from them and talking with her about what I found and how they can improve out communication and relationship. She gets mad when I don't being these talks up myself, so I went in the other room to get the book. After 10 minutes, I came in and mentioned a couple passages that I found helpful. Then, I went back in the other room to read through the final chapter. Here's where I made a terrible mistake. I picked up my phone and saw a soccer score and turned on the game while I was going through the book. My wife texted me, "So I thought we were watching TV, and you just got up and left."

I never told her what I was going over there to do. I ran back into the other room and tried to keep watching TV with her. She said, "No, you don't want to. Go back in the other room." I told her I wanted to keep watching it with her, and I shouldn't have gotten up. Then she asked, "What were you watching in the other room?" Everything in my body told me to lie, but I didn't: "Soccer," I said.

"Get out!" She shot back.

I begged to stay and watch with her but she consistently told me to leave. I came back and apologized, but she wasn't hearing it and said some very hurtful things to be about how my jokes aren't funny, I can maintain an intellectual discussion about anything and that she never wants to have sex with me ever again. I moved forward our appointment with out therapist to Monday. She doesn't really want to talk to me until then. I tried sleeping on the floor of our bedroom to be near her, but she told me to leave.

This is all made worse by the fact that her mom tested positive for coronavirus and we're both under quarantine together and not feeling great.

I love watching TV and movies with her, but I'm bad about getting up or checking my phone or doing something stupid that makes her think I don't enjoy watching things with her.

Number 1: I need to put my phone in the other room while we're watching things.

Suggestions please.

[Tiggerakafidgity]

Sounds to me like your worrying to much about what she is thinking and your ppl pleasing her.

That’s the mistakes I was making,always having to justify my self.

I don’t know if you’ve adhd or not but if you have then yer you go pick up a book read a little get over excited about what you’ve found.but it’s over excitement to some one with out adhd.then I’m not surprised you suddenly find your self doing somet completely different.its what ever stimulates the brain at that moment in time.

I’m getting divorced because well I wasn’t get the support I needed with my adhd,not that it was her job but when you hand your wife a manual on your husband you would expect your wife to read it but she only read the first 17 pages.

If we had an argument I woujd either get the blame as usual or if it was her fault she woujd turn it back around in me then not apologise and bring home a bag of sweets.

Weird behaviour and I thought I was the one with mental health issues lol

[Hidden]

I would suggest seeking professional help for your marriage. It sounds like you both struggle with communication, positive and reinforcing, not negative. I would also suggest finding a book with a work book that rekindles the intimacy of your marriage. Do you know her love language? What is your love language? From your post it would seem her love language is quality time. She would feel unloved by you if you chose to do something else than spend time with her at designated times such as a movie night. It may seem like a small thing that you did but for her it is huge; especially if you do it a lot. Also, you both need to take an online personality test; don't settle for the free one with ten questions. Personality tests can really explain a lot of how each of you think.

Sometimes we get caught up in just trying to make others happy and we forget who we are in the mix. Start dating your wife again and find out what makes her tick. Start putting her first in your daily routine. Make sure she feels loved by showing her love the way she needs it, her love language. If you love her well, she will want to love you well in return. We are all selfish by nature. It takes a lot of ourselves to be selfless towards others, even our spouse.

ADHD only makes things worse because you can't focus long enough on something. If you have not been diagnosed then I'd suggest being tested. If you are medicated than make sure it is working. The best person to tell you if it is working are the people closest to you such as your wife. Men are often one track minded, add ADHD and we are one track minded in several different tasks. Men often struggle with listening, add ADHD and we are struggling to just maintain eye contact much less listen and retain.

Don't give up, marriage takes 100 percent of you and 100 percent of your spouse; it is not a 50/50 split. If you feel like giving up then that is when you push harder. Love is stronger than most people give it credit.

[quiteasmile]

Does your wife actually “get” ADHD? Because if she doesn’t really understand, you will always be in the wrong. She does not see how hard you are trying to appease her. Ask her for help. Let her read your post. She could have gently reminded you that she was really enjoying watching tv with you. And that in itself would have helped! (Honestly, 3-4 hours of watching something you don’t really like is a miracle in itself - not many men would do that for their wives!) Good luck!