Spouse during pandemic

[Wilma13]

My ADHD husband of many years is driving me crazy during pandemic

[MrsKlco]

What about him drives you crazy? What can he control, or can you control? I am the person with ADHD and my "mentality" has given my hubby many times of irritation. I have worked out some with him, but I have to check myself often. But one thing "I" enjoy (but only when I ask ) is that he writes down all the tasks/jobs that I have started that need to be finished. Then I can finish them. I get over whelmed with the "important" things to do.

It is really about embracing his mentality and knowing where you have to put in more and ask him to fill in the rest.

I hope this helps, please write back, I would love to help.

Renee

[Wilma13 in reply to MrsKlco]

Mostly his lack of follow through. I like the idea of a list. Thanks

[MrsKlco in reply to Wilma13]

I know it is frustrating. I honestly became frustrated with the explosion of ideas from my 8y/o. He..is...endless!! At the end of day (one day), I appoliogised to my hubby for the endessness of my ideas. Having said that, we (ADHD people) are very loyal and wanting to make you happy.

Deep breath...you can work with this.

Keep me updated and informed.

Renee

[CherJer in reply to MrsKlco]

How did you embrace the idea of a "to do list"? I've offered my adhd spouse multiple times that I would make one, or 2. One for some daily to-do's and one for long term things with no deadline kinda projects. And he will have none of it. All while claiming he didn't forget to do anything because it was never discussed(beyond frustrating!)

I'm human and forget things too, and have my own lists, to keep up with all my own responsibilities, and his as well.

I'd just like to have an extra 20 min to myself not spent arguing over what I remind him of forgetting to do.

Is there any way to remind an adhder of things forgotten without starting an argument?

[MrsKlco in reply to CherJer]

I can feel the frustration in your post (voice)... And because I am not there with you I can only do so much. Butttt... The first thing that comes to mind, is the feelings (of being) treated like a child, and that can be tragic for ADHD'rs. This might be a area that is all on him. Unconsciously, he might resent your kind reminders as motherly badgering . If you have not already...you have to respect his mentality and help him find ways you/him can see his talents/benefits.

For example, I have a creative and artistic mind. Jason (hubby) has no pulse in this area. Sooo without my vison we would still be living in his childhood home with shag carpet and green countertops (just think...That 70 Show) yeeessss...they could have used our house for a tv set!!

But, I can see the end result/vision, and will think about it 24/7 till started, but lack/ignore the multiple steps in between. We now have a beautiful kitchen and living area. (BENIFIT!!) But a few days ago, I realized that I have been making 2,3,even 5 payments for my car per month. This was so upsetting to me that I did not want to tell Jason. I already feel stupid enough. I am VERY hard on myself!! (LIMITATION!!) But over time... he no longer ask's why I have lost my phone or keys, he just starts to look for them. I have been married for almost 11 years and we have come to verbal blows a few times.

But the more your hubby can see the end result (finish chores or projects) and you TRUST that he is working hard for you and your family the better off you are. Also, I feel that if HE can not own up to his denial of certain things ( his thought process). Really, this is not within your realm of expertise. Have you seen a marriage therapist? PRICELESS!! especially when understanding ADHD spouse. Things aren't easy, he may have anger and resentment that is not needed or misunderstood. BUTTT he probably will not show/exhibit these emotions to your therapist. That is a benefit!!He has to understand that he has to own his limitations, strengths, and all you want him to do is to work with you and not agents you.

I will not deny that this is a very frustrating and emotional process. And I will not be the first to judge you for your irritation. Actually, I appreciate and love that you have reached out and are open to suggestions. I truly feel that your hubby is emotional and with no intent you are fingernails on the chalk board for him. But at the end of the day, most of us are EXTREMLY loyal to our family and want nothing but to add value.

I hope this helps, please write back and ask him to get involved with the group/support.

Renee

[michael682]

Hey!

If they’re cooped up all day with you and are starting to take over the house with their unorganized organization or just won’t stop going on about the most random stuff I’d recommend exercise.

Nothing crazy, just give them some earbuds and tell them to take a walk once a day for 30 min.

It will help release dopamine, adrenaline, and other chemicals we lack or have a hard time producing. It will also help them clear their mind.

My fiancée and I try to go on a walk together at least 2-3 times a week. She just lets me ramble on as our dog sniffs everything and I get to process my constant thoughts. I feel so much more relaxed and connected with her even if she just validates what I say with Mhm, I understand that, or what do you mean? She shows interest while not having to focus too much on it and sometimes I end up silent for 20 min of it.

If your so can’t walk much, have them do something else that is enjoyable but active. You don’t have to join them, but maybe once in a while try to include yourself.

When they do it themselves it will allow you to have personal time.

I get 30 min a day in the garage to tinker. My fiancée understands the garage may never be as clean as she would like but she does know I’m happy and doing something “fun” while out there. So as long as there’s no explosions she will let me be.

Sorry for this messy comment but just remember they love you and care about you no matter how difficult life gets. Another thing, just give him a hug every so often. I’m sure he is just as frustrated as you are and this is how he is showing it.

[lost2bfound in reply to michael682]

I love that last suggestion. It makes me feel warm and relaxed just thinking about it.

[Wilma13 in reply to michael682]

Garage is an excellent idea for him. Thanks

[MrsKlco in reply to michael682]

I have remolded/improved my camper. When I get too overwhelmed with house, and mommy crap, I have some where to go and relax. Think of it as a woman cave on wheals.

I lost 20lbs during the remodel and have a tremendous amount of pride and accomplishment. SOOO relaxing.

Great question