Disclosing ADHD to a partner

[hallelujah2020]

I have a partner that said he loved me right off the bat because I’m the most vibrant woman he’s ever known. Hearing that of course made me so happy because he appreciate my good qualities. We have been together for 6 months and now I know he is bothered by many of my behaviors that I exhibit in the early am and after my meds wear off in the evening. He tells me to relax or to please stop long texts and to summarize etc. He is a little bewildered at my ability to function on much less sleep than he does as well. I’ve dropped hints about me being, “hyper” because it’s a generic term that people use loosely to describe people that move around and talk a lot etc. I haven’t actually disclosed that I actually take meds or actually have been diagnosed. He made a comment about my kitchen reflecting how my mind works etc (super clean one day, piled up the next) I just feel like he already suspects but may e thinks I need meds because he only sees me weeknights after my meds have worn off. Is there any advice anyone can give me about how to tel someone they have been diagnosed? I’m not sure why I feel so weird about it, unless he thinks oh gawd she’ll never meditate the hyper away and won’t want to deal. He has said he will always tolerate me, because he knows we both are different. (I used the word tolerate not him) any advice for me ?

[quietlylost]

Do you think him knowing would be helpful to you? How so?

I'm guessing a part of you is afraid of disclosing and risking complicating or ruining things. If he loves you your diagnosis should not matter. If he tries to shy away, then he wouldn't be there for you in the long term anyway.

[Emmie1 in reply to quietlylost]

I think being honest with him is integral. If he can’t accept who you are, he can’t empathize or understand. I think I would want to know his take sooner than later. My significant is add and has adjusted to the “h” part of me. I think a dialogue is always helpful.

[hallelujah2020 in reply to Emmie1]

I told him and he said, “ok I understand” lol. However now me forgetting where we parked and the fact I’m constantly wondering where things are make sense to him and he’s less baffled. He also is handling the verbal diarrhea much better, the puzzle pieces are coming together. My emotions around my family and how I was raised are clicking. I am different and he loves it, but it does come with some condiments on the side LOL

[78rpm]

He definitely needs to know if you plan for him to be part of your life long term. The primary reason is so that, when your ADHD does manifest itself, he doesn't take it personally or think that you are meaning any sort of slight towards him.

For example, people assume that someone who fails to reply to a personal email or is late to or even fails to show up for an appointment means that they just don't care. But if that person has ADHD, that might very well not be the case.

I have selectively disclosed my ADHD at work and elsewhere when I felt it was necessary for people to understand why I behave the way I do so that they don't assume bad motives on my part.

I have also done so when I have had to explain to people why I make certain requests and do things a different way than most - such as going elsewhere to get certain tasks knocked out without distraction or requesting that people NOT send me instant messages unless it is a matter so urgent that it demands my instant, drop whatever else I might be doing immediately, attention.

I have sometimes explained it by mentioning that our weak areas are often the opposite side of the double-edged sward of our strengths. I will give the example that most (not all, of course) accountants make lousy sales or customer service people and most people who are very strong at sales and customer service would not be happy being an accountant. I will then mention how a certain strength of mine (that the other person will agree is a strength), unfortunately, makes me weak in an opposite area.

If the issue at hand involves limitations of my working memory - I use the analogy of RAM in a computer. A computer can have an extremely powerful processor and a huge hard drive and very advanced, cutting edge sophisticated software but be rather puny when it comes to RAM. Between the powerful processor and the cutting edge software, that computer can accomplish great and world-changing things. But, because of the puny RAM - if you have too many tabs open in Chrome because you are also surfing the web and watching YouTube and updating Facebook - that computer is going to completely bog down, be painfully slow and, eventually freeze up.

I then tell them that I basically have low RAM - and, unfortunately, I can't just go on Amazon and order another stick of it for an upgrade. Happily, I do have a powerful processor (thanks to my ADHD) and I am a curious sort so I have a pretty decent arsenal of cool software at my disposal. As to my puny RAM - I tell them that I have found a fairly simple workaround: I only keep one or two tabs open in Chrome at any given time. And that is why I have to write things down, why I not attempt to "multi-task" - and if, for some reason, I don't close the extra tabs, little things sometimes slip through the cracks.

I have also explained to people that human beings only have a tiny amount of working memory. I use an illustration of working memory I learned on an ADHD podcast by randomly naming five animals - for example, elephant, kangaroo, horse, chimpanzee, giraffe - and ask the person to, without writing them down, recite them back in alphabetical order.

With my lousy working memory, I might only be able to do it successfully with four or five where as somebody with better working memory might be able to eight. But no human being can do eighteen

So we all have small working memories - which is not a problem for the human race because we can write things down and we can condense large numbers of instances down into concepts. (for example we say "furniture" rather than keeping in our working memory tables, chairs, desks, sofas, etc.) I then point out that, as human beings, all of us have lousy working memory - it is just that mine is smaller relative to most other people's which means that the threshold of where I need to start compensating for it is a bit lower than everybody else's.

Explain your weak areas to him using similar methods and analogies. Explain how it impacts you - and the things that you do to hack it and work around it. If there are areas impacted by your ADHD where you are inclined to become defensive or easily hurt - let him know and how he can approach any concerns around those areas with you in such a way that your feelings won't be hurt.

Even when I haven't disclosed my ADHD to my staff, I always have told them that I sometimes struggle with information overload, especially if I am getting many dozens of emails in a day. I tell them each of them, one on one, that, despite my best efforts, I sometimes get busy and something I needed to follow up on slips through the cracks. I tell them that ever happens to them - PLEASE get my attention and remind me. I tell them I have had staff in the past that felt afraid to do that - and I give them my promise that not only will I not be upset, I will be grateful for the reminder.

As for explaining the medication - I am on a stimulant. So I just say that I am on a very low dose of a stimulant that is more controlled and effective than those that most people use such as those found in coffee or tea or energy drinks. That kind of demystifies it.

Finally - in order to avoid the stigma of being "broken" or "handicapped" it is also important when you disclose your ADHD to stress that many highly successful people have it. Stuff that everybody else finds difficult is very often easy for us. What is difficult for us is stuff that most people tend to find easy. Here is the good thing: we might be hopeless when it comes to tasks such as housekeeping, date entry and mindless clerical work. But next time somebody looks down their nose at your shortcomings in these areas - ask them to take a look at what such skills command per hour in the job market. Housekeeper, cleaning person, data entry clerk, basic clerical work - those are all low-paid jobs. Does it REALLY make sense to invest endless hours and much suffering in order to perhaps someday get to the point you are merely mediocre at such skills? Chances are, if you can find a way to monetize your strengths you can easily hire somebody to take those tasks on for you and do a much better job.

[hallelujah2020 in reply to 78rpm]

Beautiful, thank you so much for that!

[ADHDGuiltFree123]

Hey Sis!

From one woman to another, tell him. I’m so happy to hear that you have a loving partner who is supportive and attentive to your needs. Moreover he loves ALL of YOU... ADD/ADHD and all. I told my partner about my ADHD in two months of dating.

Initially I was afraid at first but I knew if I didn’t tell him, my behaviors will eventually speak for itself ... so I just told him. I told him without fear knowing that if he loves me, then he’ll decide for himself whether this is a deal breaker in our relationship. Since our talk, I’m happy to report that we’re still going strong until this day.

My advice is plan your conversation, provide some material about your condition and mention how your partner can help you. This isn’t an easy task because I cried so many times during our talk yet the whole time my partner listened to me and gave me a hug of reassurance that it’s alright. I used to be ashamed of having ADHD yet now I’m finally comfortable not hiding myself.

I want to encourage you to tell your partner your truth and trust that God will sort everything out. My prayers are with you!

[hallelujah2020 in reply to ADHDGuiltFree123]

Thank you! Can you point me in the direction of the right materials? I’m overwhelmed trying to even find something appropriate to be honest. I know it can’t be dry or lengthy he’s a summarize it type of guy. That’s of course REALLY hard for me to do.

[bluesdance]

Honestly I don't think it should be a big deal and if you act like it is a big deal and something he might be upset about then he is more likely to respond that way. When I told my now fiancé I basically said it in passing I think it was like "I need to pick up my medication for..." and because I said it so nonchalant that's how he treated it.

I've told people on a first date before and they have often been super chill about and then shared what their mental diversity is. If someone can't handle who you are then they aren't worth being with.

Don't be afraid or ashamed. It sounds like he likes you and how your brain works and probably won't be that surprised.

[Knitting20projects]

I can virtually guarantee he has things he considers flaws, too. Not that ADHD is at all a flaw or dealbreaker. I think everyone has things that are challenging parts of their personalities, especially once the veneer of early dating wears off. Remember that he loves you as you, and if you didn’t have ADHD, you’d probably have some annoying qualities of another sort. Hey, at least with ADHD ours have lots of medical evidence for medication or skills treatments, plenty of excellent books & videos for educating a partner, etc. I wish every partner’s foibles had something like that