Once again I am dealing with a huge screw up that is very apparent to me now, but at the time did not make any impression on me. I work in a school as a teacher's aide, and when we all arrived I found out that the teacher that I work with was quite ill and unable to come in that day (and possibly a few days before and after). I got all wrapped up in the day, and rather than behaving like a star and getting to work in the classroom to make the place look a little more organized (I think this is what was expected.... Not really sure) , I didn't do anything. In my defense, she is someone new I am working with and I wasn't sure if she wanted me messing with her stuff, but it bothers me that I didn't even ask how I could be of help.
I'm so frustrated with the stupidity of this thing that I have, and the constant 'side looks' that my behavior sometimes creates. It definitely isolates me from my peers, as people are often not sure how to deal with me. I most often feel like I don't belong.
There is the possibility that I am completely over reacting, and this is not a 'thing' at all, but another component of my life with add is that I rarely have a clue about (how my behavior affects) outcomes, until they actually slap me upside the head.
I tried adderall last year, but really didn't like the way it made me feel - I was going through my family physician and felt like I wanted much more direction.
Ugh! School starts tomorrow and I hate feeling like I'm not sure how I'm going to be received. I will worry about it all day (and possibly night)!
Written by
Lexieloodles
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Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to every bit of it. I have been there so many times and beaten myself up and worried just like you are doing. What has helped me navigate similar situations - when I finally do have that "aha" moment, I try to redirect thoughts to making a list of what I can do in the future to be more helpful. In your situation, if you know someone who works closely with the teacher who is out, maybe sharing your ideas with that person for their feedback & insight would be a good idea. I always share my ideas & ask for permission to move forward before implementing - always. This kind of blossomed into a regular thing for me and I do it frequently. If I think of something when I am not at work, I email it to myself at work to ensure it is there when I can use it.
Doing this regularly has helped me beat myself up a little less and sometimes catch the "aha" a little sooner.
Please know you are not alone in your struggle. There is a quote that I try to keep in mind:
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." - Maya Angelou
The not sure where I belong and if I belong somewhere is something which is common with people with ADHD. Because of your thought processing being different and outside the box, you will have those 'looks' from others at times. You're not stupid but it does sound like frustration is taking a toll on your outlook. I strongly suggest learning to be your own advocate- making sure that you have listed all of your strengths and accomplishments somewhere written down. Refer to these written statements when needed. No, don't even hope to be a regular Jane Doe because ADHD creates a unique mindset and keeps our thinking outside of the orthodox so-called normal thinkers. What really brings you back down to Earth and fuels your jets so-to-speak? Do these things to help you get back to center. You're nowhere near hopeless. Hope this is helpful in some way. Good Day!
I think it’s great how you observe yourself and recognize what you could do in the future to be better. That’s a really great quality to have. It shows how much you care. It’s hard (I am working on this myself) but your life will be much better when you stop worrying so much about what other people think of you. People will think what they want but ultimately there not thinking about you as much as they are thinking about themselves. Their more worried about themselves than you.
Thank you. Your kind comments really touched me. I'm trying to let the concern about what others think go. It's hard though when it's a lifelong habit.
Wow! I'm feeling so blessed to have access to amazing people who share this 'thing' that I have to deal with. I have received great advice with so much positivity! Feel ready to tackle the world. Thank You!
Feeling isolated and like I don't fit in is all too familiar to me as well. It's always been like living in my own world, never quite sure how things work for everyone else and sometimes feeling like others have a different language I can't understand. Being in my 40s now, I've been able to let a lot of these feelings go and appreciate my differences. They're not all bad! Also, finding "my people" has really helped. Somehow I've developed intuition that guides me toward friends who are patient and understanding and can appreciate my quirks too! I think it helps that as neurotypical people age, they also change and can see value in getting to know people they may not have when they were younger. As someone else said, it's good you thought about your response to the situation and will know what to do next time. That being said, I still beat myself up sometimes... we'll always be works in progress!
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