I'm not kidding... I am £ucking TIRED of feeling like this anytime company may/could/can come to our home to visit...
I'm tired of living with anxiety, fear, shame, and guilt anytime family, friends, or acquaintances may or want to show up at our home!
It's a feeling of being trapped, caged, or locked-up against my will and comfort.
It's not fair to you (my wife) and my children not to have friends and/or family be able to visit or stop/drop by the house because of the constant clutter, mess, and chaos that seems insurmountable, unrelenting, and unending.
It's a different type of hoarding, but in the same vein can be just as unhealthy. It has caused us depression, anxiety, anger, resentment, uneasiness, feeling of being trapped, guilt, shame, hate... the list goes on.
I am blessed with a great wife, four healthy children, a decent job, a nice home, AND an unhealthy spending habit. Not rich, as I have a CC almost maxed out due to overspending on Birthdays and especially Christmas.
Due to the overwhelming guilt I feel/have to make-up/justify a "need" to overcompensate for the constant feeling of possibly being seen as an absentee father due to my ADHD cognitive constraints, emotional-dysregulation, and/or my impulsive/impatient anger driven outbursts at my kids or wife from being overwhelmed/ overstimulated by all the noise that comes with having four children constantly wanting/needing, fighting, and/or bickering.
When I am in a good mood/good spirits I tend to become overly obnoxious/sarcastic when trying to be playful with my family. Which leads them trying to decipher whether I am being mean/cruel or sarcastic/funny/playful.
This may/can often lead them getting offended/ taking offense. Even though I was in a happy/good mood probably did end up saying or doing something that wasn't perceived the way I intended, resulting in me becoming more angry, upset, and guilt-ridden because it feels like whether I am happy or angry the outcome and result is the same in the end.
I am often perceived or come off as being mean or acting like a jerk regardless. "Foot in mouth" syndrome or the "think before you speak" next time metaphor.
I digress... point is, due to my ADHD connected symptoms I financially over-extend my budget and buy merchandise to show/prove my love to those who are often hurt/upset putting up with ME and my ADHD affliction; friends, family, better-half, and my beautiful children.
Money can't buy love... I know this to be true, obviously and has made my kids more spoiled brats due to their expectations with my overspending which is also dysfunctional/toxic in-itself.
So our home has too much clutter, unopened games, gifts, and other miscellaneous crap we really didn't need to buy, but convinced myself we did due to sale price or the "idea" that we may possibly need the use of said "item" in the future.
I still have most/a lot of my high school clothing and other random ancient artifacts that I have attached some nostalgic reasoning to hold onto because it still fits some personal narrative or that I have attached a fabricated personal value keeping me from parting with it, making it unexpendable for some ridiculous reason or another.
It could be something as innocent as large bin of LEGOS. Knowing LEGOS are expensive and although my kids do not have interest in playing with them at this time, will hold onto them "just in case" they may be interested later on in their childhood.
My "man cave" is a "man mess", bedroom, kids rooms, garage, EVERYWHERE is just more clutter that has resulted in our unhappiness and unhealthy family decline, leading to a dysfunctional atmosphere we are subjected too.
All because I have an anxiety-driven fear of "letting go" of my personal and impersonal belongings. Some internal fabricated story I keep telling myself. An ignorant need or desire to hold on to these inanimate objects, trinkets, or treasures that have accumulated over my forty-years of living that continually haunt me and keep me up at night with stress and worry on how to declutter healthily.
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You really need to see a psychologist or therapist. They can help you understand, cope and often change behavior. It is important to remember these things take time. You did not get to where you are overnight.
I would encourage you to get a therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy. It has changed my life. I’m learning about healthy boundaries, which we all need. There are things that you can do. There are medications that can make an absolutely life changing difference for you. There are tons of free articles, and webinars that can help you to begin to address your problem areas. You must get help. As hard as it is to live with ADHD, the receiving end for a spouse or children must be overwhelming and frightening at times. Outbursts of emotional dysregulation can be horrifying for kids, when it spills out of a parent. My father was an alcoholic, and although never diagnosed, I believe had ADHD. I was terrified when he went beyond his limits to handle stress, and had a meltdown. Emotional dysregulation is an exaggerated release of feelings, like a sudden volcanic eruption! Children are not equipped to understand that, much less process it in a healthy way. Everyone has problems in life. It’s our responsibility to recognize and deal with what we can as adults. I was just diagnosed, yet always knew that there were things inside of me that were very different from the way that “neuro-typical people” handled life. It is what it is. Let a professional help you do what we can’t do alone. We all get it! I truly hope that your precious family will be helped soon.
I understand your connection with sentimentality to things. Imagine what your place would look like if you were single, like me. I like the Honda S2000 so much I bought two, one for race and one for the street, guess what I haven’t raced it and the paint is now oxidized. I was waking up at 3:00am every morning thinking and go over he same problems every morning. “Normal” folks just do what it takes to rid themselves of their stressful “stuff”. I find it hard to give it, sell it or trash it. Maybe I’ll use it later, it has too much value, there is too much emotion connected to it. I have started to “minimize”, wow that is one of the hardest things I’ve done.
Your anger sounds very disruptive. I have found when I am focused on something and my focus is broken with noise, interruptions, etc I can react it what is considered angry or harsh. Sad thing is that I am neither, it is just a reaction. I took an anger management course and while I thought it was ridiculous in the beginning, it turned out to be one of the best experiences.
I stated “I have contemplated a lot of unhealthy ideas to end this internal mental and emotional suffering.”
This concerns me if you are referring to damaging yourself. Regardless of the condition of your home, the issues with your family and the many painful feelings you feel by your challenges - YOU ARE LOVED and IMPORTANT.
like the others I recommend some therapy and maybe more importantly some medication. I use both and I am a successful businessman, I have issues similar to yours, but I have found these avenues very helpful.
I truly wish you the best as I have punished myself for the issues you outlined. I’ve felt the misery and so did my family. Save yourself and your family before it’s too late.
Btw if you are, like I was and think therapy or meds are for the weak, which is a common feeling among men, I am an alpha, pragmatic man that believes in doing what works. A real man steps up to the plate for himself and his family. You will be far better when you do. You had the guts to pour out your issues here, that is brave, my friend, take the next step.
Your brain does not produce enough dopamine so you naturally have a brain imbalance . No amount of hope or wishing is going to change that. Get yourself to a psychiatrist and get on medication.
You really need to see a psychologist or therapist. They can help you understand, cope and often change behavior. It is important to remember these things take time. You did not get to where you are overnight.
I feel like I want to post your post on my fridge. That is exactly how I felt when I was married. I am a 60 year old woman and no one was giving me any passes for having ADHD. I can't tell you how many times slovenly was attached to me.
I try and explain how it was for me and nothing came close to saying it as well you expressed it.
I go to ADDA. Their are groups that really help me help me. For some people finding a therapist while in this chaotic state is so hard, not to mention everyone can't afford even the co-payments for therapy, when you find one that is even knowledgeable in the field. But ADDA has enough groups during the week, many that are tailored to affinity groups.
I was there with you my friend. There is hope and help. Thanks for putting it out there like that.
I have a very similar story and same type of personality and habits. I was recently laid off from my job about four months ago with a very good severance package and EDD so financially Im good. I have let my backyard and garage clutter for nearly twenty years, saved so much crap, retail therapy spending to fullfill an emptiness that never goes away. My father and grandmother, who were the most important people in my life have passed away within the last eight years, which has left me a whole nother emptiness and I consumed an abundant amount of liquor where i was hospitalized and almost died due to internal bleeding and contemplated suicide. However after beign put int he hospital and nearly dying, which was a horrible feeling, I have discovered that was not the way to go.
Since my lay off period and still currently I have found an inner peace by being active, I have landscaped my backyard and cleared up my garage. Never ever give up, make small progressions and find small activities to find fullfillment. I dont know if you have a therpist but I recommend one, however that does not complete the journey. Family and friends only help a little but self discover for me is the best. I still go through my issues like letting me house get cluttered until i cant stand it anymore than I am like a machine and over compensate and clean up the house within one day, which is another part of my behavior.
My goal is to finally get prescribed the ritalin after my consultation, which hopefully helps, but i have also been reviewing non medicated steps, however I believe i need additional help. My words is to say, Find some joy or happiness, no matter how small to help you mentally be more productive and never ever give up. That is why i joined this group. I hope this helps and you have prayers and best wishes.
hey,i definitely identify with that anger outburst issue. and the rejection stuff too. i agree, its fuking exhausting and cyclical💔
Rodster pointed it out that us ADHD folks lack dopamine n without dopamine nothing is going to get better. because you are a human n human brains are designed to have dopamine. dopamine is ultimately responsible for about everything you described.
you are being hard on yourself and ive been there too. my thought was “ since i constantly jack things up for myself n others, why in the hell wouldn't i be hard on myself?!? wouldnt that make me a shitty person if i didnt feel remorse, and be hard on myself?!?!”. but the thing is- no amount of shame will be effective in healing or making positive change. thats a difficult concept bc our society is set up to punish people and hope they feel shitty enough that they change. which look at our prison system n crime- it doesnt work for long term at all.
if you are too far down to be able to identify your own awesome characteristics by yourself, maybe you have someone that can remind you or a counselor or even just keep posting. ❤️ this group will remind you!
everything you wrote is typical ADHD stuff - you are just caught up in the cycle.
stimulant meds helped me alot. i rarely need to take them anymore but give myself grace if i do.
ps- i picked up the following from your post- 1. you have ALOT of great self awareness.
2. you have a big heart and your low dopamine brain is f*cking ya up needlessly!!
3. you are humble n care about people
4. you are an intense thinker and express yourself well
5. you are reflective and real and raw
ALL amazing characteristics!
its typical but very dangerous territory to start thinking about ending your life. us ADHD folks have a higher suicide rate than average. so if u r feeling that way please please get help so that u dont follow thru. suicide hotline, or whatever makes sense to you. ADHD folks are amazing once we get our brains working right! you got this.
WOW! You sir are actually amazing!!! Just your post alone!!! That IS ALL OF ME TOO!!! But never could express it thru words. YOU just brought some "light" to me and for that I am GRATEFUL! I'm sure you love your whole family with ALL your heart. I can relate. I have been "engaged" never married...get this -for 5 years, together for 12. I AM NOT happy with ME!!! When I yell at him or my son, I feel horrible and then cry uncontrollably and start shaking, I just want to die! But 'one day @ a time' as they say. I just want to MOVE out of here alone and go to Florida. My plan & hope! So glad I am NOT alone with these issues! TU for sharing-Patty
I have, in the past been in dark places, consuming dark thoughts about life, living, and my place in it.
However, I do apologize for the comment that may have lead to the conclusion that I was sincerely contemplating ending it.
No matter how low my lows are I am not willing to allow myself to be that selfish. My family doesn't deserve the chaos and destruction that would/will ensue/persist throughout their lives contriving of guilt, hate, resentment, confusion, and unexplained/unanswered questions by my sudden selfish departure because I couldn't "hack-it" in the real world.
I'm not saying/implying that everyone or anyone who has taken their lives due to a traumatic event, PTSD, or an untreated mental illness is or was a coward and/or selfish...
I am simply stating that my children alone give me cause for living and that is enough for me not to do something with such haste or magnitude.
Although, I would imagine a lot of us may have that "dark passenger" (not Dexter's ~ a need to kill someone {sarcastic humor}) that sometimes leads us believing that we'd be better off not living, the world would be a better place without us living in it, or the LIE that others' would be happier if we were no longer amongst the living.
I removed that passage from my post. I was feeling very low and hopeless. My daughter had a friend stay the night and I am the assistant soccer coach to her father and was stressing about my houses current state and the fact that he (her dad) may be coming over the next day to pick his daughter up and could/would see the house in its current chaotic state.
I can become physically paralyzed from intense mental/emotional anguish, stress, and anxiety which results in me becoming mentally/ physically exhausted, the analogy of "drained batteries"🔋 we with ADHD know so well.
The constant overwhelming overthinking and over-stressing, self-inflicting mental/emotional behavior that comes with hyper-sensitivity (RSD) and hyper-awareness of our surroundings due to the 80HD affect.
[Not all with ADHD have RSD, however, this comorbidity has a higher percentage rate with those who suffer from ADHD]
As far as medication and/or seeking help from a therapist... I currently have both. Was prescribed Vyvanse (70mg) and have a Psychotherapist that I meet with via Zoom once or twice a month.
However, I am not sure what direction exactly these meetings take us. I've learned about "Cognitive Distortions" which was great to see that it was a thing and that I can relate to a lot of them. I know the idea is to restructure negative thinking, but I feel most sessions are me just venting issues I am dealing with more than anything else.
Thank you so much for letting it all out and letting us know that we aren't the only ones who struggle with this stuff and sometimes find ourselves at wit's end. So many of your issues and difficulties resonated with me.
You have done a lot right. Marrying, having kids, caring about your family so much, and fighting to do what is best for them takes courage and heart, and is a huge achievement.
Your experience of "anxiety, fear, shame, and guilt" struck a chord. I love children but chose not to have kids of my own. I had my tubes tied at age 25 because I was so afraid that I might get pregnant. The doctor insisted that I give a good reason, and asked what if I met a man who wanted kids. I told him that there was never a guarantee that something might cause me to become a single parent. I was barely responsible enough to take care of a dog. I knew that I couldn't take care of children and support them financially on my own, and was terrified that I would fail them. That's the "anxiety and fear."
I can juggle one or two balls pretty well, but give me more and they all end up on the floor. For about 15 years I thrived at my job, worked my way up the ladder from software engineer to engineering director making six figures, and seemed like a success. But what nobody knew was that my house was a disaster. I ate out every day; if I bought produce it would rot. I couldn't manage to pay my bills, maxed my credit cards, paid thousands of dollars in interest and late fees, and was dropped by Amex. I finally cancelled all my cards ten years ago because I couldn't trust myself. I'm 71 now, have very little savings, and can't afford to retire. That's the "shame and guilt."
I was just diagnosed recently. I've been on Adderal for a couple of months and my ability to get things done has improved, but I still have such "unskillful" habits that I need someone to help me set up a structure for my life. I've watched videos, read books and articles, all about how to organize and be more productive, but there are so many ideas and options to consider that I end up spinning in circles trying to pick the path that I need to follow.
I've been seeing therapists for almost 40 years and more recently a psychiatrist. They're great for dealing with feelings but helping those of us with ADHD figure out how to best manage our lives isn't their charter. None of them even recognized my symptoms, and they have few practical suggestions, nor are they interested in being accountability monitors.
So I have been looking for a coach, and the one suggestion I will offer you is to look for a coach who has experience with people who have issues similar to yours. Be gentle with yourself, and don't forget to appreciate your strengths. (Oops that's three suggestions.)
I wish you and your family all the best that life has to offer.
Everything you said really struck a cord with me. It's taken me a long time to see that a lot of the thinking and behaviors that I thought were justified were really a product of my ADHD. And even knowing everything I know now, I do better, but I still fall into the same traps over and over again. My wife used to think I was Bipolar because my mood and behavior can be so different for no reason she or I could see. Something that would not bother me one day would drive me nuts the next.
I got a lot to work on. Thanks for venting; it helps me see myself better.
Thank you for contacting CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD. I understand you are feeling trapped by your ADHD symptoms. Please know that you are not alone and that the things you have described are common for adults with ADHD and even individuals without an ADHD diagnosis. Oftentimes many of us can get caught up in the spending that our society tells us will make us feel better but really results in us getting ourselves in financial debt and clutter in our homes.
If you are not currently seeking treatment for your ADHD, that would be a good way to combat your symptoms. Medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are the two research-based treatments for adult ADHD. If you need help finding an ADHD specialist in your area, you can check our professional directory to see if there is a specialist near you: chadd.org/professional-dire....
Additionally, our ADHD Centers Directory lists ADHD Centers through a hosptial or university. Here is a link to see if there is an ADHD Center near you: chadd.org/organization-dire....
Also, talking with others is a great way to learn strategies and reduce feelings of isolation that adults with ADHD often feel. Here is a link to our support group directory to locate one near you: chadd.org/affiliate-locator/. If there is not one near you, you are welcome to join one further away in your state or in a neighboring state as most groups are meeting online at this time.
If you have further questions, feel free to contact us at 866-200-8098 (M-F, 1-5pm EDT).
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Also is a fear/avoidance of being trapped an adhd related feeling?
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