Hi everyone, I've been reading and responding for some time on this board, but this is my first post. Now that I've reached mid 50's and it seems that Adult ADHD does not really get much better. The hyperactivity part of it is more manageable because of learning more coping mechanisms, but I have too much energy for my age and tend to think that others move slowly. Now, they often complete tasks faster or more precisely than I do because of my tendency to lose focus and go off on a tangent. The lack of organization and general feeling of awkwardness seems to persist though. BTW, I am no longer disappointed or ashamed or how I am, but life can get tricky. Learning tolerance for yourself and others is Paramount for survival and peace with self and others.
How do you find that you have changed over the years or decades with dealing with this condition?
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dgs2018
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The most challenging part of my diagnosis has been the lack of understanding by family members. I didn't understand what ADHD meant for me when I was first diagnosed. In fact, I was taken back when the therapist I was seeing broached the question, "Had I ever been diagnosed with ADHD." In the first year, I was diagnosed, every time I mentioned a new understanding of behavior and the impact, my wife and eldest daughter would bark out, "ADHD is not an excuse." It took three years before I could advocate effectively, yet during those three years, I was made to feel that my ADHD was a joke.
My wife came to understand the impacts of my behaviors when I spoke about the implications of my behaviors on our thirty plus years of marriage. Honestly, I am not sure why my wife has stayed with me all these years; indeed it was not easy. How do you convince a loved one that you have spent your whole life climbing mountains for them?
I wanted to be successful, I wanted to be a money earner, I tried to fulfill my role in our marriage and my life, with an intensity that was brutal on my mind and body. I believe that my ADHD was the cause of an 80% blocked "Left Descending Artery" that required a stent eleven years ago. For thirty years my wife's father, a man I was very close to, felt a need to remind me that he was concerned about my expanded midsection. Every time he mentioned my obesity I would simply say, "I know, I'm trying, I'm trying." My wife's retort to this would be, "You can't try, you have to do."
My father inlaw shamed me again after I had been diagnosed; I was at a point where I could advocate for myself. I told him these words, "don't you think I have tried countless times to lose weight and exercise. Wouldn't make sense that If I could have been successful, I would have been? You say you are bringing this up because you love me. Have you thought about the hurt you cause me with your need to convey your feelings? " Later that night I suggested that maybe family members shouldn't feel obliged to tell me that every thing that's on thier mind.
There are ways to show love and support and not inflict shame. The most effective and supportive communication would have been understanding that I am human and that I do the best I can. Humans rush to judgment when coming in contact with an unfamiliar person. My mantra to my family recently has been, "If you have a concern ask me, speak to me, seek me out, we should be conversing with each other with love and compassion, not divisiveness and judgment, right, we are family members. Most importantly do not judge my intent prior to seeking my input.
I have still not been able to get my wife to embrace my statement that "I can mitigate behaviors some of the time, but I know deep in my heart that, they cannot be mitigated 100% of the time." I have had to accept that reality, just like I had to admit that some times I genuinely desire to be undiagnosed, seeking comfort with the mental being I was until age fifty.
I loved your response to your family...very well stated.
I received my diagnosis in my late 40's and am a female now in my 50's. I too have had times in which I've felt frustrated by the difficulty I've had discussing what ADD is and is not with family members. I'm single and have been very cautious about discussing it with my boyfriend.
A suggestion I have that you may find helpful for yourself, and one you may choose to act on and share with your wife are some great videos available for purchase at totallyADD.com The 2 that I'd highly revommend are: (1) A.D.D. & Loving It?!, and (2) A.D.D. & mastering it! The first one covers what ADD is in a wonderfully humorous, yet informative way. The 2nd one I've suggested has helpful suggestions. Each is priced reasonably and both are well worth it. After you watch them yourself, you might think to ask your wife to sit and watch them with you.
I know you were simply responding to the original poster dgs2018, but hopefully this might be useful to them as well.
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