ADHD brains crave stimulation, and they just might chase relationship drama to get it.
Next time you catch yourself (or your partner) falling into these common traps — outlined here by Dr. Daniel Amen — take a step back and re-evaluate.
Let’s Have a Problem Game: Many people with ADHD pick on others to get a rise out of them, to get them upset, to make them crazy. Family members of patients say, “I’m tired of fighting with my brother (sister, mother, son). He/she always has to have a problem.
I’m sorry to hear how challenging your marriage has been. I’ve scanned through your posts and I am going to be honest, I found them to be fairly negative, insulting, and demoralizing towards your spouse and towards people with adhd in general.
You have a whole post where you’ve quoted others’ descriptions of the problems people with adhd cause in relationships.
You compared being married to someone with adhd to being married to 3 children in one, described “them” (adhd spouses) as acting like infants, toddlers, children and teenagers, and someone in their “early 20’s” (I’m not sure what that means).
You acknowledge “they” (adhd spouses) can act as adults “at times”, and you reference a therapist who suggests speaking to your partner with adhd like a 3 year old.
Would you like to be spoken to like a 3 year old? I wouldn’t, and I would likely avoid communicating with someone if they did.
Your posts come across as though you are the adult in the relationship and your spouse is a child who needs to be spoken to and treated like a child.
I think I did see in your profile that you mention your spouse has both adhd and ASD. If that is the case, depending on severity, I know it might complicate things a bit more than what I or people with strictly adhd/married to someone with adhd can understand or relate to.
Again, I’m sorry your spouse’s adhd and ASD has been so hard on your marriage. It might help to try and accept him as he is, support him if he is trying to change his behaviour but don’t expect him to change just because you want him to. Focus on some of his strengths and positive qualities (for your benefit and for his, but without praising him like a 3 year old), and focus on some of your own hobbies, interests and passions in order to find some joy elsewhere and take some of the pressure off of your spouse and your marriage. Marriage and/or solo counselling for you may also help you cope with things and help you find other ways to have your needs met if your husband is not capable of meeting them. Good luck, I do wish you both the best.
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