Why do I always feel like a shadow? Hard to focus a lot.

[Codebox42]

Consider this a follow up to my last post because I ironically got a lot of positive and well meaning responses there and to everyone who commented I thank you greatly. It feels so nice how I can relate to so many people in ways other's can't understand or don't treat the matter as serious as it should be. As you can tell from this title this is another problem I end up suffering is feeling like a shadow to the rest of the world. Every time I try communicating to a group of people or just in general, not only do I feel like the odd one out, but it feels as if I don't exist, even on communications that otherwise grant you notability it always feels like I'm just there, not really actually being a apart of anything, largely just there to have space to fill. I can't really describe how many times I've tried speaking or opening up only to come out being brushed off to the side or treated of less competency than others simply because of limited contribution or limited grounds. It's also kinda hard to communicate seriously without always saying something stupid or coming off slow.

For instance, I can communicate fine it text, but with words (especially real life) I always feel like I forget what I say or don't fully understand what happens currently, despite hearing he conversation loud and clear. This adds to my feel of loneliness more because it feels people don't wanna be around someone who isn't as up to date with them. I'm not saying that's what people think, but that's how it consistently feels, and it's not their fault. I just feel so self defeating because I feel like I could be more, but instead I'm placed with something I never wanted or asked for, and knowing only as an adult (a time in which life is suppose to be more open to you) hurts even more because the loneliness I felt before feels worse, and now it seems to be getting worse. I also feel disconnected to the outside world because I was never really taught how to act in society, by this I mean I don't have good skills when it comes to reacting or understanding things In the real world, making the disconnect hurt more. Especially when this could be mistaken for being stupid in the eyes of people who don't really understand, when it's not due to intelligence at all, but rather a lack of experience in the world.

I never feel as if I'm apart of anything, even if I am. As I always feel like I'm a shadow. And I cry a lot when I'm by myself thinking about it. Speaking of which, I always feel depressed in situations I shouldn't be, when it isn't really depression, but just a sense of disappointment with myself because I feel worthless. Even when doing my homework, despite it always being a top priority it's a battle for me when it shouldn't be. Not because of the homework itself, but because of the battle to focus, while taking it online everything is literally a distraction, even if my main interest is to do homework, everything else sorta takes over, this doesn't help when people around me see me as lazy when it's not being lazy. It hurts when I'm unable to address how I really feel because I don't want to ruin other people's lives who have things of their own to do. I don't wanna grow up past 27 and still be this same person while everyone evolves past me, to the point where I really will be sheltered from the world, because thinking of this only makes me sadder when thinking of the future. Especially when I have no friends in real life to comfort to.

So how does everyone here deal with their self defeating ADHD? Because I feel mine is more severe than most, though this is only just from my experience, and judging from the other comments I can tell others have the same severe ADHD I do, especially when compared to some who manage to have more control. Are there any specifics you can recommend and how well does treatment and therapy truly work? Tell me your experiences with cures or being able to manage more things in life? I really enjoyed seeing the perspectives of you guys and you all manage to provide some interesting insight on your own experiences.

[glitterpidgeon]

I definitely feel you, it's hard to connect with others when you constantly feel like they misunderstand you (and let's face it, having ADHD means we get misunderstood a lot).

A lot of the things you write about remind me of my own struggles with RSD, and I get the feeling you could be suffering pretty badly from it too. If you haven't already please take a minute to read this article from Dr. Dodson about how ADHD causes RSD: additudemag.com/rejection-s...

I was utterly floored when someone sent it to me because RSD so perfectly described my cycles of "depression" that came about so fiercely when I felt like I wasn't achieving the things I felt like I should be able to do, or when it felt like a friend was dismissive of me (or worse when it felt like friends/family were talking down to me).

If you feel like that article describes you I would highly recommend talking to your doctor about trying the medications that the article suggests (clonidine and guanfacine). Clonidine helped me immensely when I tried it (it really did make me feel like I was wearing emotional armor) and if it hadn't had the horrible side effect of making me feel like I had a buffalo sitting on my chest I'd still be on it, it was almost as life-changing as the Ritalin. Here's hoping the guanfacine will treat me better lol.

Besides medication I think the thing that has helped me the most is connecting with other people who have ADHD and who mirror my struggles so much. It's much easier to let go of the shame and suffering of not being able to do things the "normal" way when I see other people like me being awesome just the way they are.

[Hidden in reply to glitterpidgeon]

Omg, I learn so much from you, Glitterpidgeon!! This affects me, too, but all this time I just never knew what it was. I feel like I'm burning out just to be everything to everybody. Hugs to you both. Let there be better days ahead!! xo

[glitterpidgeon in reply to Hidden]

It’s always nice to be able to pass on the things that have helped me so much. Hugs and cheers to better days ahead! <3