Does anyone have any advice for a blended family issues with spouse and you not being on the same page?

[TheresaTr]

Hi, I'm new here (well I've had the account forever and have briefly gone through some posts but first time posting) and I'm really struggling. My husband and I have 3 kids between us, I have a 10 year old son with ADHD and a 12 year old daughter with ADHD, and he has a 10 yr old son with suspected ADHD. So basically we're a pretty hot mess family, given that I also struggle with severe ADHD that is currently not being treated (thanks health insurance!). Anyway. My husband and I have been severely butting heads lately. I feel like I need to almost "defend" my son because it seems like he is constantly "nitpicking" everything he does, while he allows his own son to do whatever he wants and never has a consequence for any behavior. His son recently moved in with us full time, when I really wanted, but I now feel like maybe we rushed it/didn't make the right choice because we aren't all meshing together as well as we did before. But on the bigger issue, is the toxic environment we're putting all these kids in by fighting/arguing about one of us parenting one of the kids, we try to never do that in front of them but of course they hear it and know somethings up. To be point of my son asking me why his brother can do XYZ and doesn't get into trouble but he can't... And this is a long term issue, and relationship. Our kids dont even remember a time before they were siblings, we got together when the boys weren't even 2 yet and my daughter was barely 4 so this isn't like a new relationship or something just for some reason the dynamic has changed and I'm not sure if it's me, feeling overprotective or if it's really my husband singling out my son because he's super frustrated with his behavior so lately. I think also where I've been learning so much more about ADHD and parenting kids with ADHD lately, that I've just noticed it so much more and also that I know how damaging his constant critisism of my son is. My sons started recently telling me hates himself and I know that is directly related to the amount of negative feedback he's getting from Dad. Any advice?

[LAJ12345]

”his son recently moved in fulltime” seems to be the catalyst? What happened before?

[Mamamichl]

this would be a great question for my Facebook group “the essential stepmom”. If I recall, there are two main ways you could handle it. First, you could work with your partner and set common behaviors with consequences. Then both of you are making the same consequence no matter the kid. The other way to handle it is to have him stop parenting your kids and you stop parenting his.

In my home, we have done a mix of this. Usually, we try to do the common consequence, but if the kid doesn’t listen 3 times, we go to the bio parent with the issue and they make sure it has been followed through. Our joint child responds better to me and my step listens more to him, so we tag team. It has taken a lot of communicating with my partner when we are not escalated and discussing these concerns openly on a regular basis.

Join the group. Hope this helps. Zen hugs 🫂