A tale of two boys..

[ChristinaR1967]

My son is 15 and has the inattentive form of ADHD. My friend's son is 15 and was diagnosed with Asperger's autism. Our boys have grown up together and then the last few years grew apart. However we still keep in touch and my son who had all the advantages and was doing so well, is now struggling academically. Her son on the other hand is excelling beyond measure! He is completely obsessed with his education, and is in honors classes and is on the honor roll. My friend doesn't say it, but she knows that I am struggling with my son. She always thought her son would be the one to have the struggles in life and things are working out well for him! I know we shouldn't compare kids, but I can't help it. I am miserable and lost, working with these teachers and trying to help my son. it makes it even harder when I see how well my friend son is doing in comparison to my own. I just feel like where did I go wrong? my friend is deeply religious and has never allowed her son to have a gaming console, so he doesn't game. I, on the other hand have let my son game for years and he is quite into it. I honestly think it's made his ADHD worse. Sorry for the rant, I'm just lost.

[Azbee]

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Yes, to the video games. It changes their brains and does not allow them time to disconnect and find outlets in other ways like hobbies, music, getting outside, talking to friends in person, spending time interacting with family—even if it’s just sitting together and talking for 15 minutes or watching TV together for an hour.

Our parenting specialist recommended no video game time on school night. Sunday - Thursday. Then on weekends this time needs to be limited so he will be forced to explore other things and allow his brain to disconnect from the constant action of the video game. They really get somewhat addicted to video games.

After we implemented this, (and no it was not well received by our son) his grades improved immensely. He rediscovered his love of bike riding and skateboarding. Started fishing with friends, piddling around with hobbies like building models, started practicing the drums again and music is now his passion. We then invested in some music software and he piddles around with that and doesn’t really play video games but every blue moon on a Friday night. We got him set up with a therapist who is coaching him on how to study and not procrastinate, giving him daily tools to refocus with his adhd, and most importantly created a self awareness in my son that he needs to do something to burn off energy everyday after school...ride bikes, or skateboard, or play drums, or even just a few blocks walking the dog gets him outside for some vitamin D. Work with someone on this. And a tip for video games, on Sunday at noon, we take the power cords so the video game can stay right where it is but not be played. We return them to his room on Friday after he leaves for school. It really works! He will be angry at first, but it’s like taking a pacifier from a baby — he will get over it. And you will see a refreshing change in your child with this one simple step of removing video games on school nights and limiting the amount of time on the weekends. You’ll be amazed. So be strong and commit to it! Best wishes! You’ve got this!

[ChristinaR1967 in reply to Azbee]

Wow, THANK YOU. You are the second parent to share the same outcome with their son when they removed the gaming. I know I have to do something. I feel some guilt because he is an only child and our neighborhood is all retirees and he has no friends to hang with. It seems like when he got the Playstation 4 that things started to take a turn, especially when he started the group gaming, about two years ago. I'm emotionally exhausted. He has days that he does try at school, but when he tries, he's not giving it his all. He is always trying to do the bare minimum to get by. His work ethic has decreased over the years. Parenting a teen is so difficult and in some ways, I don't think I was ready. However, I can't be a pushover. His father has wanted to remove the console completely from his room. We are definitely going to change things. It can't go on like this. He's a freshman and I have to get a handle on this.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to ChristinaR1967]

Christina1967- I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you a hug.. Our child is also an only child. It's amazing all of the products we buy that come with very detailed manuals but our children don't. Why couldn't it be easier?

What do you think of moving the game console and then connecting the use it his education? I have to be honest, I don't agree to NO games. He is gaining many things from them. He honestly gets joy out of it and that is important since many children don't enjoy school. But I do believe there should be limits.

What do you think of thearpy? It has really helped our son.

As far as comparing your child to another child that is just natural behavior and your son with guidance will do better. It is an up and down being on this journey.

You are a great mom and you are doing your best.

Take care.

[ChristinaR1967 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you Soo much for the support. It means a lot! We've decided one hour a night for gaming, as I agree it's an outlet for him.

We did seek therapy last year, but insurance matters made it fall apart unfortunately.

A new ADHD coach has opened in our area and I want to reach out to her.

I need to do something for sure. I'm also dealing with him having no motivation and not wanting to go to school on some days.

I've notice when it's a five-day school week he will try to get at least one day off. My husband works long hours and I'm responsible mostly for all the parenting. I'm a basket case, full of anxiety about all of this.

It makes it even tougher, when you see a child where people thought he would struggle and he's excelling and mine is doing the opposite.

[La_Indy]

Parenting a 15-year-old is extremely challenging and the ADHD on top of that and it is like banging your head on the wall. Regardless of whether gaming is making the ADHD worse or not, I doubt you will be able to take it away from him now that he is 15. My son has always been a big gamer and anytime I would try to take away his electronic privileges, he would say, "FINE, then I"ll just go to bed!" And he would! There was no way I could wait him out because he saw the situation as a challenge in which he would not allow me to win. You might try to take more of a negotiation stance. Try to find out what his life plans are. Does he have a passion or subject that really interests him? It might be gaming and that is okay. It is important to help him develop some motivation towards school. Next help him work out how he will get there. Is he thinking trade school, community college or Ivy League universities? For my son, he first thought he wanted to be a plumber like his dad, so we talked through that. My son thought he would be able to make more than $100,000/year like his dad, but his dad owns a small plumbing business and enjoys talking with people to promote his company. My son hates to talk, especially to strangers. He realized this would not be a good fit. So we discussed other alternatives and ended up that he wanted to go to college but wasn't really sure what he was going to do, but maybe computer programming. College was his motivation to do better in school. I would regularly remind him to keep his options open on which college, he had to keep his grades up otherwise he would have very limited options of where he could go.

So I would start with finding out what he wants to do with his life and the path he needs to follow to get there. Second, those missing papers and disorganization are skills that can be developed. You might read "Smart but Scattered" by Peg Dawson and Richard Guare. They also have a teen edition called "Smart but Scattered Teen." One other place to look for help with executive function skills is Understood.org. I just downloaded a great visual called, 7 Ways to Teach You High-Schooler Organization Skills. I think you might like it! Let me know how things go.

[Matheu25]

I allowed my son to game too because of his medical condition and the chaotic, dysfunctional life he had with me and his father fighting 24/7. My son is 20 now and me and his dad separated when he was 17 and his dad has untreated mental health issues so he is not emotionally there for my son . My son doesn’t have a job nor will he go to school he writes rap songs and records and thinks he’s going to get rich by being a rapper . He refuses to take meds and sleeps all day and vapes. His friend smokes marijuana but he says he doesn’t smoke it because he’s scared of it. My son never tells me what’s going on inside of him but he told me recently that he’s depressed but wouldn’t say why. He also has a liver transplant that is messing up so it is very hard for me to deal with all this because he’s an adult I can’t tell him what to do anymore but like your friend I am a Christ believer and He is the only reason I can handle this!

[Cheyannejade93]

Be gentle on yourself. Find grace through Gods words.

Paul wrote, “For all have sinned andfall short of the glory of God.” ... Every one of us has spurned God. To say wehave not is to take pride in oneself (which is a sin). Paul wrote in Romans 2:10, “It is written: none is righteous, no, not one; no one understands; no one seeks for God

[anirush]

My 15 year old grandson is also a gamed, obsessed with fortnite at the this time . He also goes to a magnet school and makes all a's and b's. We have been seeing a behavioral therapist for a while who stresses the importance of exercise. Not every day but most days he gets out on the trampoline, uses an exercise ball in his room.

Gaming is his release from stress and he is good at it.

He used to have problems with depression, took a little adjusting in middle school to get his meds right to where he cared about anything.

Good luck finding the right balance for your child.

[Budsmomneedssupport]

My son is 20 and was diagnosed when he was a freshmen in highschool. As for the video games I read that since video games provide continuous positive rewards they create dopamine which the ADHD brain desperately craves. I wish I would have controlled the video games when he was younger and made him find other positive behaviors to get his dopamine fix because it is almost impossible to control at 20.

[Careyon]

Less gaming I’m sure, as others have stated, will help him to refocus on other things like, friends, family and school. Studies have shown too much gaming is bad for anyone, including adults. However it is something that he probably feels he’s good at. Which may help him stay positive about himself, since I’m sure his challenges in school are likely weighing on his confidence. Balance is going to be key. Some fun and some hard work. Also, you really need to cut yourself some slack. Your concern for him tells me you’re a good mom. But be careful not to compare him with others. He was made uniquely by a perfect God who makes no mistakes. Stay in prayer for yourself and your awesome son. You’ve been chosen especially for this task. Ask for God’s strength, provision and strategies.