Mental Toll

[Carneasada]

I need help navigating my life as a mom of a child with ADHD. The constant defiance, disruptions, hyperactivity, and general desire to annoy everyone around him really takes a toll! Do things get better as they age? My son is 5. Am I terrible for hating being his mom sometimes? What do you other moms do to better your relationship with your kids with ADHD and disallow it from ruling the house? How do you cope?

[Bingo3000]

No, you are not terrible for hating being his mom sometimes. I feel you. I love my son so much, and yet sometimes I feel the same. My son is now 11 and is on medication, so, yes at times things are better, but I can’t say it’s all smooth sailing— at all. I have a younger daughter who is neuro typical, and my gosh, if we had two like that… well life would be a lot easier. As for advice, I tell myself often that it could be much worse, and count the blessings that we have… I don’t think that’s super helpful though. One thing we did wrong though for many years, and are now trying to correct, is not to take the easy way out and let him “rule the house”. It’s tough, but do the work now. It’ll pay off in the long run. To the extent possible, don’t engage in the created conflicts. The thing is though, all the advice, be it through books or professionals, or from other parents such as here… always easier said than done.

[Peerandparent]

First, be kind and forgiving of yourself. You can love your kids with all your heart and still not be able to stand being in the same house at times. The opposite of love isn't resentment or even hate. It's indifference.

Yes, things can, and will, get better as both of you learn more about ADHD and ways of navigating it.

A couple tips:

1) Take a moment every now and then to each your kid when they're sleeping.

2) Try as best you can to treat every day as a new day, and not let yesterday's events sabotage today's.

3) You'll read lots of articles and see lots of posts talking about self-care. Yes, self-care is important, but it can't happen without a community of care. Pull in every resource you can; family, friends, teachers, babysitters, your boss, your colleagues at work... Never turn down an offer to help, and try to rely on others to set boundaries and)or learn not to offer unless they're sincere. Set up playdates as much as you can, not only so you can see how they are with other kids, but so you can see them in the context of their social interactions with peers.

4) as much as possible, celebrate the good moments, and draw their attention to every good thing you can. Kids with ADHD get six times the negative feedback of neurotypical kids, so they need that extra positive feedback to balance things out. And the more you teach yourself to notice and point out the positive, the better your own outlook will get.

5) Work on self-compassion. We are far more critical of ourselves than we would be of anyone else. Frequently ask yourself "Would I be saying this to/about a friend if they were going through this?" You are deserving of your own patience, forgiveness and kindness.

6) As someone who has ADHD, I can tell you that a lot of the behaviour you're likely seeing is their attempts to refill their buckets (dopamine). We don't do well with delayed gratification or long stretches of work. As much as possible, find ways to fill their bucket while they're doing a task, such as having them race against a song, or dance to and from the bathroom. Have tangible and frequent rewards for anything without an immediate intrinsic one. We bought plastic coins that we use as a token economy with the kids. I usually have a few coins in my pocket so they can get it as soon as they do the thing, or especially if they do the thing before being asked (as rare as that is). They can then trade the coins for things like screen time, an extra treat, or even money. Whatever motivates them.

7) as much as possible, build structure and routine. This doesn't mean a timetable, because we ADHD people have no sense of time, but rather a set sequence of events. For example, when we get home, they hang up all their stuff, unpack their lunches, check their bags for any notices or homework, them go to the washroom. It's far easier for us to remember sequences than it is to remember a list. At bedtime there's a set order to things, and all they need to remember is the next thing in the list. This also can serve as an anchor if you need to add something else to their routine (e.g. medication) and have it stick and be consistently remembered. A set sequence at bedtime is especially important, as it helps them get to sleep more quickly and easily. The only problem comes when the sequence gets interrupted (I can't tell you the number of times I've forgotten my keys or my lunch because a phone call interrupted my routine)

8) Do your best to learn about what tasks fall under executive function, and lower your expectations with respect to those tasks to that of a kid 20-30% younger.

9) embrace what your kid is good at, and find ways to use that to help them work around the things they're not as good at. My son loves games (board games and video games), so I use games to teach him things that are harder for him at school. Because of that, he's now a ravenous reader, and his writing is getting better. If you're looking for games more interesting than what you remember, look at the website "board game geek". There are games that can teach everything imaginable. If your kid likes jokes, give them the setup and withhold the punchline until they do the thing. If they love to sing, tie the lyrics to the task at hand, or rewrite lyrics to help them remember how to sequence a task. Get creative!

I hope these tips are helpful!

[lbauer04]

Hi there, I can say from a Mom of a 9 yr old that has ADHD & ODD and is on more than 1 medication, it's a very difficult path to navigate. All of those same symptoms you are experiencing on top of a defiance disorder...it's defeating at times as a parent to say the least. I have given every ounce of my being to make his days easier, accommodating & pleasant, but it always ends up with a battle when it doesn't go his way. I know that short term discipline works best, but even 1 item being taken away can set off the fireworks. He totally thinks he rules my house and that telling me no & refusing to do what he's asked to do is acceptable, like not picking up after himself or cleaning his room, etc. Most times, I give up and do it myself because I just can't deal with the arguing. Every time I feel like we are in a good rhythm, it goes sideways, but I keep trying and telling myself that it is a new day and we'll start fresh and move forward...until the next meltdown. I am sorry I don't have any suggestions to ease you difficulties, but just know that you are not alone.

[Carneasada in reply to lbauer04]

Your post meant a lot to me. Thank you 🩷

[Saguaro22]

yes it gets better. You’re in the right place. And you’re not wrong for the way you’re feeling. It’s a perfectly normal response for what you’re dealing with.

Build the right team of support (3 main people): therapist(s), the psychiatrist if needed for meds (and you should consider this), and teacher. establish a good relationship with his teachers and consider establishing a 504. This will be your team so you’re not doing it alone and will guide you along the way

I remember reading a message like the one I’m writing here a couple years ago and it seemed overwhelming. It is, but with small steps towards this goal - in the not so distant future you’ll be in a way better place. You got this. And so does your child.

[anderssj]

thank you for this post! I feel you so much. My 5 year old daughter has ADHD and it’s so hard , daily life is so hard. There’s no advice or recommendations from me but know that you writing this post brought me some comfort to feel not alone in it.