College-aged son struggling

[AberdeenArms]

I can really use your eyes and thoughts. Thanks for reading.

A year ago, my son was thriving. He has a mild case of ADHD and stopped medication in 2020. He went on to graduate from high school and get into a good university nearby -- even with a scholarship. He's held down jobs, he's driven without incident, he had a girlfriend, he even did well his first year in college.

Over the summer his girlfriend broke up with him. Then in November he discovered alcohol and began hanging out with high school friends who were not in college. In December he had a front-row seat to one of those friends getting arrested. He since stopped hanging out with those friends and gravitated toward friends in college, all of whom drink excessively. He has definitely partied. His grades started to suffer.

In February he started hanging with his former girlfriend again, insisting that they're just friends but I'm not an idiot. The former girlfriend was a great influence when they were together but now I don't know if she's as good of an influence; she also is not in college and doesn't have a career path and drinks. He still hangs with his college friends, he still goes out a couple of times per week. His grades have continued to suffer. No Fs, but some Ds.

Yesterday my wife and I sat down with our son and expressed our concerns. After acting belligerent, he came around on sharing those concerns, admitting that college is very hard for him and that he doesn't like his grades either. For the record, we're OK with reasonable partying and drinking as long as it's safe, but he has to balance school and social, which seems to be a struggle.

I am scared he won't realize *what it takes* to improve on his college academics: studying, tutoring, working hard on his education. Further, my son (a 20-year-old sophomore) has intentions of going to grad school to get his master's degree. It's going to be difficult for him to do that with a GPA below 3.0.

So I'm a bundle of nerves knowing that my son is genuinely bright but L A Z Y. I know I can only guide him and would never do the work for him. I also know I can't MAKE him a great student, only he can do that. I'm just hoping that doesn't cost him a lifetime of regret and hardships.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Any suggestions on how to help my son here? Yes I intend to make sure he starts working with a tutor, even if it comes with a cost. Anything else? Anything that can help calm me down?!

Again, thanks for reading.

[MomO_Sea]

wish I could help you. All I can do is empathize and say that it’s tough being a parent to an ADHD human and to keep the line of communication open(as it seems you are doing) and the love flowing, which is all I can work on sometimes.

[Carolinepink]

Please get your son counseling but with a person experienced with ADHD. Remember an ADHD brain is generally several years behind in maturity, plus alcohol and or drugs are particularly destructive for an ADHD brain. Social life, academic life ramp up as college continues-this isn’t LAZY. This is a big change for him. Depression may also be a factor. 18 to 25 can be the most difficult time for people with ADHD.

[Pema20]

I would definitely help him find a therapist he connects with. Also, I doubt your son is “lazy”, there is just a gap between his ambitions and the executive functions he needs to achieve those ambitions. If he’s willing, have him work with an executive function coach and maybe consider staring medication again if he is willing. He’s an adult now so her has to decide for himself, but there are options. If you are paying for school, you could make EF coaching and counseling a condition for you continuing to pay.

[Mamamichl]

Thank you for sharing. maybe he needs a break from school. Getting a job and exploring finances may be a better route so that he doesn’t mess up grade so much that he can’t come away from it with so many classes at a low%

[Shamasamdrew]

College isn’t high school. The need for self motivation, amount of unaccounted time, and social differences amp up dramatically. I would examine what you need to do to treat the ADHD. He possibly needs to go back on medication or you need to find some other route to treat the symptoms of the disorder. I cannot imagine how difficult for him it has to be to do all the things a student has to do to be successful without any treatment at all to alleviate some of the symptoms of ADHD.

Also, colleges and universities have offices for students with disabilities. If you have documentation of his diagnosis, he can have access to accommodations like copies of class notes, recordings of lectures, quiet testing spaces etc. to assist with his grades. He may need to access these to help him be successful.

Regarding his social life and the drinking. I would imagine if he was medicated and his brain was quieted in a more controlled way, perhaps he would not seek out substances like alcohol. I was reading something recently why kids like ours use substances later in life and sometimes, it’s because they are looking for ways to alleviate their symptoms and this is what is available to them. You could also assist him by getting him counseling so he could work through some of his thoughts and feelings so that he could make other choices that don’t include drinking.

Lastly, he is not LAZY. He has a neurological disorder and is trying to do something that is very hard for even the non neurologically diverse person. He needs some treatment, some accommodations, and some counseling. I really hope this is helpful to you both because it sounds like he has some understanding of his situation and wants to do better. You were right that you can’t MAKE him be a better student, but you can educate him and yourself as to what is available to him and help him access it.

[YellowNY]

It is so important that you as a parent understand ADHD because I wish I could turn back time to college with my son. I never even heard of the "freezing state" it is not lazy! My son is so wonderful and extremely intelligent! Scholar athlete in high school and then in college on his full scholarship for biomedical engineering everything fell apart. Missing deadlines... I wish I knew what was happening then. Having someone (a real therapist not just someone pushing adderal) could of saved us many years of confusion. Life coach type that could teach about ways to make deadlines during the tough times. One thing I wish I did was join my group (zoom) to listen to other families and children just like my son before approaching the situation. But most important is relax and love and enjoy all the great things about your son and find the proper help By the way is has been a tough ride for the past 10 years and I am just now figuring it out!

[AberdeenArms]

Carolinepink ... luckily my son already has a therapist he likes and trusts. We've got that covered and it definitely helps him keep his head above water and not get too down. We spoke about the partying and he thinks he has it under control. Drugs do not seem to be in play, which I am grateful for but also don't expect to continue forever.

Pema20 ... not sure I've ever heard of an executive function coach. I'd have to do more research on that. As for meds, he is very much against that and probably would need to spiral further for that to be on the table as a solution he'd consider. He's not there as of now.

Mamamichi ... that's an option if he finishes this year struggling.

Shamasandrew & YellowNY ... thank you for your thoughts, I really do appreciate them.

My son spent his Sunday reading a book for his class and taking two tests about it online. He got an A+ on one and a C- on the other and he needed last-minute help on the one he got a C- on. He's got a long road ahead but the one thing I must give him heaps of credit for is finding it inside himself to create a plan and then follow it. He has plans on how to finish his work in his class for the next week and then the block is over and he's on to the next one. I do think he's motivated, and I do think my wife and I have options in case he needs help moving forward. We will be there for him.

[insideoutbutterfly]

Hello our daughter is about the same age as your son and has a very similar learning profile. She went off to college in the first year she struggled to manage college demands and her grades started to slip. After her winter break she shared that college life as it was was not working and that it was causing anxiety and depression. Her executive function deficiency got the best of her efforts. Here is the thing adhd students are usually the hardest working students despite the outcome of their efforts. Russell Brakeley explains this plight really well, imagine your standing on a corner of a busy street and your mind won’t provide what to do next (executive function is offline), your frozen until someone helps you acknowledge your frozen and standing on a corner of a busy street, when adhd students are in these types of situations they often can’t articulate what is happening. This may look like something like laziness but in fact they are stuck and need a body double to go forward. If you are not familiar with Russell Barkley has a weekly update on his research on YouTube. I have to warn you it’s scary listening to his findings he does not sugar coat facts.

Our daughter came home and enrolled in our local community college and we hired an executive function coach from Winston (college program) it is a hugh success for our daughter and with her coaches support she is doing really well and will be transferring back to a 4 year college in a year. Our family supports our daughter coach with making sure that our daughter is following the weekly calendar of tasks to keep her on track which includes mental health duty which including getting outside every day and working out everyday. It’s a a lot of work but things are on track it truly takes a village . All the best.

[jolinn]

Only one thing -- do not judge your son as lazy. You are wrong.

[AberdeenArms]

I wanted to post an update. After we had a long conversation about his effort in school, my son worked very hard on his last couple of tests and two essays in his latest class. I saw it with my own eyes. I can't fault him for effort.

And he still finished the class with a D+. His essays, which he spent a ton of time on and even had help from his grandmother, a professional writer and former education, were graded an F because he failed to add any in-text citations in his work and did not follow the rubric.

Following his teachers' directions has been an issue before as he's completed assignments to his liking, but not to his professors' liking. He has missed answering questions as part of multiple-question assignments, and this essay is another example of him (likely unintentionally) missing elements that if he had followed would have likely resulted in a better grade.

He has three Ds in his past five classes (he's on block scheduling, not semester scheduling).

I feel like there's a disconnect between him and what's being asked of him in his assignments. So I have insisted that he find a tutor to help him with his work. His school even has a major assistance program that could easily teach him the right way to approach his assignments. When I brought it up to him he scoffed at the idea. All of this reminded me of what insideoutbutterfly said a week ago, so I'm thinking my son *needs* help. I'm willing to do and pay whatever it takes for him to get said help.

Meanwhile, I'm stressing out even though I know this is his life. It really feels like I want him to succeed in school more than he does.

If anyone has a mantra or any advice on how *I* can keep calm, I'd love to hear it. I spend a lot of money on tuition and am displeased with his recent results. I love him and would do anything for him but can't support a D student anymore.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to AberdeenArms]

Boy I see this a lot with my son and other kids. Can you speak to the person who helps with his 504/IEP and see if there are study skills classes instead of an elective. These are run by teachers at the school who help coordinate assignments and tests if needed. This means he would only have 3 classes and a study skills.

The other thing is most schools especially block schools have a "flex/Decal" period where the kids are required to go to the class they need the most help in. With our son we talked to him weekly asking what class he would be going to. This way he would have the teacher go over his assignments/essays because he was often missing something that he needed to add. Kinda a "pre-hand in"

It also helped to have access to the teachers notes to review during this time period with the teacher giving the essay/test/assignment.

In addition, we paid for a tutor online weekly to go over assignments and tests. One of our tutor makes up "mock" tests from the reviews when we get close to a test date. This has really helped a lot. I have never found our school helpful with tutors, we had to get them by the subject outside of school weekly.

Maybe the focus should not be on college ( this sounds stressful to him), but mastering the material to get the grade. The other thing is having the ability to resubmit the essay after he has gotten the grade ( for the D's and F's). For the first 3 years of high school I contacted each teacher and spoke with them about our son and his strengths and areas that he needed help with. This helped a lot for the teachers to understand he may look like he is not handing it in or not doing well, that is what ADHD looked like.

We are always here for you when you need us.

Best to you!