Hello all, I am the parent of 2 beautiful children (17 & 12). My son (17) was diagnosed with ADHD several years ago, and I have done every intervention known to man… We have managed to make it to his junior year of high school, and it is a struggle now more than it ever has been. I know every situation is unique so I won’t go into too many details here, but I am just looking for some connection here on this forum, as I grieve the loss of a relationship that I thought I could cultivate even with ADHD. It seems as though I cannot help someone, my son, who doesn’t want to make changes or help himself. Well, that’s not fully true… He *wants* all of these things, but his impulsivity and his proclivity for fun, fast and easy is just too tempting for him, and the results are struggles in school, struggles with friendships, and struggles here at home. I’m not looking for answers on how to fix his situation, but just more looking for community connection so I don’t feel so alone in all of this. I mean, if somebody has a magic fix, please let me know!
Anyway, I’m glad there is a space for people like us here to connect and see that we are not alone. Ultimately, I wish I had a magic wand that would show me that my son will be OK, but the reality of it is, is that not only Can I not predict the future, but my son truly does have an increased risk for substance use disorder amongst other things and that’s the scariest part of all of this, the unknown.
Thanks for listening y’all and I look forward to meeting some folks on here!
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Crux19
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Hello if I had a magic wand I would sent it your way. Because god nows there have been days that I wish magic would appear. Our daughter is nineteen and in college it’s a struggle to support her, much like the struggles you have mentioned in your post. Today I was just thinking that one of the many struggles I have in supporting our daughter is my inability to stand in her perspective instead of my own. One example of this is if she wanted to be a good student she would study more and ask for more support. This is my perspective her perspective is often I’m doing everything I know how if more is needed show me what that looks like, feels like in real time. Yes, that means body doubling through an entire assignment. The more time the I have put into this the more her perspective shifts to what a good student feels like for her with these knee found insights to studying. It’s really hard but one step at a time it moving in the right direction. Good luck and know you are not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with me! It's nice to hear that she's in college even! My son is SMART, but just so academically unmotivated (yet wants to play football in college and goo to the NFL). I just wonder sometimes how realistic it is for him. Regardless, I hope that he at least tries. Thanks again!
Glad to connect and support a fellow parent. Yes I know what you’re saying about grand plans without the executive function skills to get there. I do a touch base with our daughter once a week and we have had great success with visualizing plans. For example when she has a grand plan we draw all the steps out to the plan on a poster size paper. Like yesterday I showed her a plan where she scheduled 40 hours of free time and very little time to study I agreed with the plan but I asked her to show me visually how that would work. She quickly discovered on her own that plan would not work. I also showed her visually yesterday the difference between a minimum wage and the salary of a college graduate and what that looked like for free time, she quickly discovered that she would have no free time with friends because she would have no money for gas, food or anything else. We then hang these in a place where she can be reminded I get to make choices but there are consequences to those choices. Oh how I love to reference those posters. It’s a struggle everyday, but under the struggle is such a beautiful human.
Thank-you for joining the group, this parenting journey is very challenging. While I do not have any magic, I do have personal and work experience.
I know this sounds odd, but could I suggest that you find an activity to do together that is not family or school based: ropes course, cooking class, tour of a historical building and ice cream. Something you two can do together and while doing this activity spark a conversation with him about fears he has about his future.
I find kids at this age ( both our son and the high school kids I work with) all get in this weird space where they start to realize that they are not a kid any more and they have to have a vision for their future.
Our son has a 504 educational plan, therapy and medication and the 3 have helped him to get through school and have a vision about his future.
Also, if he does not have a hobby: sports,travel, cooking, chess, photography, etc. Then the struggles of real life are overwhelming. They need a balance.
Without having ADHD, live is hard and add the need to manage symptoms of ADHD it is really hard.
I hope this helps.. we are always here for you and we are great at listening.
Thank you so very much for your response, I really appreciate your ideas and sharing your experiences both personally and professionally.
Responding to your suggestions: I will do this again (we done a lot of this in the past) and see if he's interested in a conversation. He has expressed that he is terrified of becoming an adult because he doesn't feel like he functions at that level yet, but time is running out. He knows he *wants* to go to college, play football and get a degree in engineering, however he can't seem to stop shooting himself in the foot, day after day, year after year. He HATES school and expresses that to frequently. I have offered so many choices and form of assistance, but he just wont take it. I've told him we could look into alternative schools, or after he graduates he could join the military or really just do anything and he just continues to plod along hating life. He's on meds and I finally got him to do therapy (which he recently quit). He tells me all the time that the more I want him to do something, the less he wants to do it. He acknowledges his internal feelings of defiance and feels bad, but just doesn't want anything really. He is a phenomenal athlete (ranked top 10 in the state for wide receiver, runs track and plays basket ball) and I support him ALWAYS in his sporting endeavors, attending every game possible, all the rides and money and time, etc., etc. I never take away sports as consequences, as I know better than to take the ONE thing he loves and is naturally good at-but this year is the first time he's been benched for grades. It's just so hard to watch him shoot himself in the foot all the time!
Honestly, I could go on and on and on. The reality of it is that he struggles with the impulsivity of ADHD plus extreme EF issues and oppositional defiance. Right now, my game plan is to hold my ground with clear and consistent rules, boundaries and LOTS of love-no shaming-I know he already feels bad enough. I wish he would go back to therapy, but alas.
Thanks again for youor thoughts and suggestions-I really hope we will make it through this time....some kids don't and that's a very real fear of mine
I could have written your email except we never allowed our son the play football. You really have it nailed down. For us it got so much better when our son learned if you mess up your grades you will not play D1 sports.. maybe there is a reason for YouTube becuase every player who is at the D1 level spoke about maintaining grades.
Of course, I could also go on and on.. I would also if you have not started showing him colleges and maybe it's starting at the community college level then show him a state college ( yes he will feel overwhelmed, just support him), then show him a high level. This may mean sitting with him and "touring" virtually.
Once that part clicks then he may start working harder in school. But this is where the 504 really helps ( things like copy of teachers note, seating, retake exams,etc..)
Once college coaches starting reaching out to our son he knew he had a shot somewhere.
Then the interviews started, newspaper articles etc..
Your son might also need to see someone who has done it and gotten a college spot to realize, once he is in the college the support, tutoring, study hall check, etc.. Will come. Colleges want their players to do well.
Hope this helps.. such a long journey and many struggles, but having success is the pay off.
Of course then there is managing life while in college.
Hope this helps, I am other are always here for you any time..
You are so not alone! We just have to keep loving them, watching and enforcing the rules with love in our hearts and having faith they will make it through. Yikes! These teenage years are by far, the hardest thing I have ever done. Here’s to Ninja Warrior parenting. Just keep holding on for this wild ride. Sending you a big hug and lots of energy to carry you through.
Wishing for a magic wand with you for sure! My son is on the precipice of turning 18. We support him with medication, therapy, and a 504 Plan which have all been helpful during this time. We are planning for college right now and learning how to drive. Pray for us on that one because that has been tough!
One thing I was just mentioning to a friend of mine was when my son was young, people would say things will get better and he will learn and all the platitudes you say to someone struggling. I could never see it though. I could never see that it would improve and things would get better because I was drawn only into the moments I was in right then and they weren’t too terrific. It caused a lot of heartache at the time. I can tell you today though, things do actually get better. There are bumps along the road, but they do. My son is thriving and I am proud of him.
All this to say, I am going to be that person for you right now. It will get better. You may not be able to see it in this moment, but it will. He will learn and grow even if it is from the mistakes he is making today. There is a path for him to be successful even if he has some obstacles to overcome. My son did and I am hopeful yours will as well!!
I truly appreciate the platitudes lol It's better than the doom and gloom tape that plays in my head sometimes (especially in these more trying times). My some has 1.5 years of schooling left and I'm just hoping we make it through high school, let alone planning for college. It is unbelievable how much time, energy, effort, self work and research I have done and I am still here, with a child who is really struggling. Ugh! Love is a powerful thing, thank goodness!
As a new member to this group, I already feel I am not alone in this struggle. Your post hit home in so many ways. I have custody of my 16 year old grandson who has ADHD and the therapist thinks he may have IED as well. He was diagnosed with ADHD at age 6 and has been on a multitude of different medications. He is on Adderal at the present time.He too is a junior in high school and up to now, we have managed to get through school with decent grades. However, this year has been a nightmare. As a retired teacher of 30 years, I've realized he would need to be back on a 504. Unfortunately this school system does nothing to help the student. His therapist asked for acomadations for a cool down area and extra time to turn in assignments, but neither were granted. As a result he has been suspended twice for losing his temper and using profanity. In Georgia, you receive zeroes for the missed days and not allowed to make up work. As a result, he quit trying.
He refuses to go back to his therapist because he does not want to talk. He is vaping and I have found marjuana in his room. He turns 17 soon and I worry about him daily.
I refuse to give up on him, but it sure would help if there was a magic wand to make it easier. You are not alone.
My heart breaks for you, as it does for me. I recently caught my son vaping and someo alcohol wrappers in his room. Although we don't deal with explosive temper any more, we certainly continue to deal with the shutting down, quitting therapy and just being unhappy and miserable. I will say that I see glimmers of hope here and there and can only continue to love him, hold my boundaries and keep encouraging him. I just want him to be successful (however he defines that as long as it involves be a good person!!).
I know this commiseration doesn't solve problems, but man it feels good too know I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing with me.
Hi Crux! Greetings from a father of a 19 year old who has learned to manage if not outgrow his ADHD. No question there are times where my son takes the easy way out of things, but he is mature, he is able to get through a four-year university on his own and hold a part-time job. He's managing his money better. He drives safely. He might have some interesting choices in friends. But overall he's a good young adult who figures to have the opportunity to live a satisfactory life. I'm here to tell you that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and that, with help from you, your child will be OK. You need to take your child's interests and use them as motivation for him to do what he needs to do for school, for his health, for his hygiene, etc. Keep pushing him to do well in school and remind him that his effort will be rewarded with what he likes. He'll eventually get there.
Sounds very much like what is happening in my life. It.Is.Brutal. And then I wonder- am I helping in the correct way, did we try this new long enough. Am I enabling or Am I too strict? Should I reach out to his coach or Should I honor his privacy? Am I giving him enough attention or is it too much? And —— he has siblings who also need parenting which is more questions surrounding their needs separate from him and how he can dominate our household.
Lmk if you figure it out (or find that elusive magic wand) and I’ll do the same
I highly recommend working with a parent coach. It has been so helpful for our family. Also, another resource is the ADHD dude. He has lots of great you tube videos as well as a membership site.
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