Why are parenting books so far off?

[BLC89]

It seems that the hardest part of parenting ADHD is that it looks so different than mainstream or neurotypical parenting. The books written on How to Parent just don’t apply when you kids is wired differently.

So what are you supposed to do? Well, coming to a group like this is fantastic. It shows us all that we are not alone, we do have different challenges than what is covered in most books, and there is a way forward.

The biggest difference I have noticed in how ADHDers are parented is that the support systems need to stay in place longer than mainstream. That, in and of itself, doesn’t sound too bad does it? It doesn’t sound bad until you are the one with the kid who is “still” acting out well beyond their peers. Or you are the parent rushing to school for the umpteenth time because homework was forgotten and if it is forgotten one more time they may fail the class (don’t get me started on homework!). Or you are giving your kid how many chances to get it right? In those situations it is tough to be the parent. It takes confidence of steel to be the parent receiving “the looks” or hearing the whispers. That is what it feels like, as parents, can you imagine how much harder it is for our kids?

That is why I encourage all parents I work with to talk to their kids about being wired differently. It normalizes their differences from others. When something is normal, shame has no shadow to hide in. It gives the kids context as to why others act the way they do. And why they, themselves, act differently from most kids. It helps them understand themselves better which is one of the best gifts you can give your kid.

Keep in mind that the prefrontal cortex in the ADHD brain develops more slowly than neurotypicals. It is about 30% behind their age. That is a huge gap that grows as they get older. So you may be staring at a 12 year old but their reaction to a situation is more on par with a 9 year old. That is very confusing. It is hard to remember that the kid's body is further ahead of what is going on in their mind.

Learn everything you can about ADHD or neurodivergent thinking and keep trying new things. If one approach doesn’t work, don’t give up, stay curious you will find something or things that work for your family. Some combination that isn’t explained in the parenting books but is unique to you and your situation.

Along the lines of don’t give up, I know this journey can be exhausting. Don’t give up but don’t neglect yourself either. Take care of yourself. If you are maxed out, take a break, it’s ok.

If you have a kid who is “a lot” and you just can’t right now, explain that to them. Explain that you only have a certain amount of energy or creativity and you need to recharge. It doesn’t reflect on them, tell them that. Explain that we all need to recharge sometimes. Make it an opportunity to have your kid experiment with what a break looks like to them. Or plop them down in front of the TV for a movie and go in the other room and relax while you can.

This is not an easy journey and when you neglect yourself you are making it that much more difficult. Think of self-care as a gift for those around you, not a selfish act. When you feel better and are recharged you are better for everyone in your circle. It really is a gift for them as well as you.

[Trying1978]

Yes! (Hate those books Even the ones by supposed ADHD experts. Go with what works, don't do what doesn't. I'll take the advice of a live therapist over books (for moment to moment decisions; literature obviously has a place, but not in the heat of the moment, for me). & I'm an English professor, too, so I'm not trying to be anti-intellectual, for sure!

For one of my ADHD kiddos, I would add: Have those hard talks, when they need to know that their behavior is not in line with serious societal mores. It sounds conformistic but, as my son's therapist, said, "Do you want someone else giving them that lesson who might do it in a bad way??" By the way, I'm talking about things like you, as a 2nd Grader, cannot run around a 4 yo birthday party with a golf club in the air swinging it and almost smacking kids, then doing whatever you want while everyone else is following playing and behavior guidelines, not just "Please" or "Thank you" 😜

[Grandk23sc]

Well said and great advice ! I have learned to be selective about what books I consider helpful-but I really get a lot from this forum and the many podcasts that are out there. My daughters most difficult task is self care and she can't see all of the wonderful work she does with my granddaughter. Some of her best advice comes from Moms who have neurodivergent kids but is also less isolating to know that you're not the only one struggling.

[Knitting20projects]

I think “my kid didn’t respond to Love and Logic Class” should be part of diagnostic criteria for ADHD 🤣. Agree totally with you about parenting books. I just donated about $300 worth of useless ones (useless for my household) to a local charity.

[Imakecutebabies]

"The books written on How to Parent just don’t apply when you kids is wired differently."

Thank you. I really need to read this. And I really wish my son's principal would read this, because I'm so tired of him critiquing my parenting.

[BLC89]

Oh my, principals have NO place in critiquing, that's nuts. I'm sorry that is part of the school experience for you. As best you can remember you know your kid and your family better than anyone. The principal is ill-informed which is really too bad.

Keep learning and supporting your kid(s) as best you can.

Hang in there,

BLC89