No Child is stupid....

[ADHDuderino]

I read this morning how a 3rd grade teacher (Year 3 to us Brits, 8-9yoa) told a parent that their child with ADHD, was "Stupid" (they went on to talk of how far they have come since then,top of the class etc.👍).This is probably themost triggering thing I have read in a while and so I couldnt help but "self sooth through evidence based rant" here, where the ears can hear and are listening.I have made a career of children acting idiotically,foolishly, stupidly, uncaringly, without consideration, insight or any idea of consequence. I am an RN.

I assisted in the emergency (and elective) surgical treatment of children. I now teach younger, fitter, more enthusiastic (and capable of doing night shifts and on-calls!) Student children's nurses to take my place, while being a single dad (shared care) to my two wonderful children, my son being as ADHD as me and formally diagnosed.

Through my clinical work I have seen a child with a hole in their abdomen Stoicaly concerned about "getting in to trouble". I have met a child who, week 1 had an item removed from inside their nose (foreign body removal is suprisingly common in children but far less "entertaining" than in adults and less often "below the belt"🤣). And then in week 2 had another item removed from their ear canal "because I put it there 😀"

👍"🙄, Ive helped remove a large coin from an oesophagus "because I didnt want someone else to have it!"(POCKETS!!) And seen the devestating effect of button batteries and small powerful magnets being consumed.

Despite all this, I still hold, No child is "stupid". All children act idioticaly in their ignorance, they do seemingly stupid stuff all the time! But everything is an experiment, their own version of scientific method and rarely with any hypothesis in place!😵‍💫

Thats why we parent/educate them, so they dont struggle with it all alone and to provide the wider context or missing data.

Life as a parent seems to be 2 or more contemporanious research studies, ongoing.

Study one, is entirely experimental, more than half of it is disentangling the initially flawed method/guidance/ethics/context and incorrect data accrued, the other part is real-time synthesis of an overwhelming number of data sets, each needing carefull consideration of their interactions/ contraindications/ risks/ benefits/ associations and applicability (Parents experiences).

This runs directly with at least one other research project, Study two, where data from the first is directly applied to the second, again in real time, but with the addition of a second researcher/experimenter, who is writing their own guidance/ethics/sometimes hypothosese as they go along, does not communicate any of them with the primary researcher and often applies the data collected immediately to the onging research without context,correlation, understanding, critique,sythesis and/or, just because its there!(kids!) Also without actually processing any of the data or guidance from the Primary researcher OR actively ignoring their research and acting contrary to their findings.

Children are Not stupid.

They are developing, dynamic minds, confused and overwhelmed by the amout of information they receive each moment, with a widely varying ability to filter, triage, prioritise it and constantly working to find the "point of it all and how it relates to me". Further to this, for this is just cognition, there is a whole seperate part of both studies, utilising a turmultuous and unruly, often unpredictable and notoriously difficult to manage, Emotional side of their brains, carrying out a campaign of assistance or espionage (sometimes both at the same time) trying to change the outcomes of the research by influencing the minutia of each data stream in turn, in groups randomly or all together.

This sub-heading in the overall research remit, is actualy more influential more often than not than any other factor, yet requires the most energy to process /understand /mitigate /divert or avoid.

All of this, is then further muddled by life changing physical developement and growth, alot of which adds a chaotic sidetrack to all of the above (hormones being notably powerful influences -not just androgens, but adrenaline, insulin, thyroxine...to name but a few).

So, taking this all into consideration, children, are NOT stupid. They are truely miraculous in their ability to navigate childhood and become adults! Regardless of physical,cognative,academic, kinaesthetic "ability".

And this is ALL children, neurodivergent children have so much more to contend with.

I guess the long and short of all this, is children dont need "judgements", they need support, guidance,nurture and love. And we are woefully underqualified, underesourced and short of data when we try to do this for them.

The antithesis of all of this, the "andswer" to each hypothesis posed, each struggle met, each extranious variable navigated, is quite simply, Loving Kindness. Compassion. Empathy.

For ourselves, we cannot "get it right" in absolute terms, only do our best and be good enough.

For them, because the same applies. And if we can do nothing else,

Be kind.

🐒🌈🦄

[STEM_Dad]

Yes, I completely agree. Children are not stupid.

No teacher ought to ever call a child that (or any euphemisms for it, either).

[Mamamichl]

I’m so glad you have growth mindset mastered! My partner likes to say that we are training the monkey out of them as they grow. They are not stupid, but they do stupid things. When we learn better, we do better. If we just call them stupid, they internalize it and it writes them off to not be able to improve. It’s one of the worst things we can do to help them. Thank you for your rant so that we can see a great perspective! Working in education, I’m embarrassed to be a colleague of that lady’s. However, it was one teacher and I know many that are not like that. I would complain to the principal.

[ADHDuderino in reply to Mamamichl]

Thankyou Mamamichl and STEM_Dad🙂 I do hope I didnt give the impression this was "Teachers" collective, it was a single instance and I hope they have grown from it too. It was less tge case in our youth I feel!

So nice to hear from another teacher though. School is SOOOO important for neurodiverse kids!! (A foolish thing to to say really, its ALL kids that it is so important for, of course😵‍💫).

I have a lovely long list of "triggers" for teacher-parent meetings for my 2 🐒s from my own school days. They were not terrible, trauma inducing times, everyone was just totaly oblivious to my vulnerability/difference so it had a lifelong effect where it could have been entirely different. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 45! "Good enough" grades at school got me through eventually to a career where ADHD was actually my advantage, not my disability.

"His handwriting is illegible and he could try harder. If he applied himself with more effort, he has the ability to much better"

"Can be very shy, Needs to concentrate on the work,rather than talking with freinds!"

"More effort required"

"Can be oversensetive"

"Has not revised, did not apply himself"

"Art is not his forté"

"Has no natural talent for sports and no interest"

I am very fortunate that my childrens teacher's have been, thus far, outstanding, and my children have been outstanding teachers to me.

I am/was probably dispraxic, scrawny and mildly exercise induced Asthmatic as a kid. Sports SUCKED!! There was no encouragement "to enjoy" just to be "the best", and if you were not, then you were not worth the effort.

I still suffer for this now, its certainly a less "plastic" part of my person and thinking.

But, I have played more football (soccer) since my son took an interest than I have EVER played in my life, and I enjoy it with him too even though it goes against everything I have hated in life.

I now attempt caligraphic writing and art for pleasure (the process is both therapeutic and enjoyable, the product is "variable" 🤣) Acknowledging and valueing the joy that my kids get from drawing and creating led me there.

I now know WHY I dont try, dont revise, do everything at the last minute, am hidiously disorganised, crave spontanaity, thrive in crisis, despise routine, have terrible handwriting, have always talked "too much", found it hard not to interject in ANY conversation (anywhere, unbeknownst to me to a degree of being "rude,loud,arrogant,talks over people, always has to have the last word, always has to be right!")have a constant string of "hobbies" that are picked up then dropped on a whim and have spent an entire lifetime persuing mediation and a quiet mind, with little success!

Amongst other "inherited and acquired" character traits, turns out, its just ADHD.🤔🙄

Severe Rejection Sensetivity, overwhelming and poorly regulated emotions, anxious indecision, a natural inability to correctly organise and prioritise, a genuine love of people, unexpressed artistic creativity, an ability to hyperfocus on "interests" as long as they present novelty, high degrees of situational awareness, risk avoidance, empathy, reflection, self criticism to the point of unachievable perfectionism (my goodness, no one would EVER say that of me! Im "king of the bodge,Arfer Job", only ever does half-a-job Mark!)

Its truely amazing to me what four little letters can do to change a persons life, for the better, when the implications are more fully understood. Thanks to my children, I have been able to take a journey of discovery. In order to understand and love them, I have moved from a genuine hatred of myself as a child and alot of what I have carried into adulthood, to more self- compassion. I have more self awareness and via a trial by fire of mental health, I am becoming a happier, better person.

I am by no means expert or master, merely a curious novice with a questioning mind and acceptance that I still know so little. My glass is always half empty, because despite pouring into it continually, I am able to let it grow, may it never be full.

Hopefully, that will now benefit my kids, who will be better prepared for it all thanks to my efforts and what I have been able to accrue along the way.

May we all find some peace and solace in the fact we are all on our own journeys.

🌈🦄🐒

Mark

[Mamamichl in reply to ADHDuderino]

I’m working on making sure my kids learn better coping strategies that took me many years into my adulthood to learn. I think we will get our kids to better understand, be aware of and control themselves and the situations they are in than we had.

[WYMom]

That was me. I didn't take it personally honestly. If shed told my daughter that, I'd have ruined her. We just never told our kid. The school didn't invite the teacher back either so that was nice.I do apologize it upset you though!