Parenting a possible ADHD child with an insensitive partner

[Lonelymama]

Hi, my 5 YO daughter has all the classic symptoms of ADHD. She cannot focus on anything for more than a couple of minutes, has severe mood swings, hurts others because she has really poor impulse control, and feels comfortable only around me. My husband too, has very little control over his own temper. Being an workaholic, he doesn't spend much time with us ( daughter and me) during the week. But weekends are real struggles because at the slightest misbehaviour, my husband will punish her ( sitting on her knees for hours ) or he'll throw away or threaten to throw away all her favourite toys, and so on. She is scared of him and she often comes to me for support while being punished. If I try to calm her down ( you can imagine the magnitude of reaction in a probable ADHD child ), my husband will blame me for her behaviour. He doesn't understand the condition, so to him, she is just being a brat. She is 4 yr 10 months old, extremely intelligent and sensitive child, and but her behaviour always worsens in front of her Dad, making things worse.

[BLC89]

Hello Lonelymama,It makes sense her behavior is worse with Dad around, he stresses her out, and he stresses you too. It sounds like some extreme punishments for such a small child.

I'm guessing if your husband has ADHD he thinks the authoritative patenting will rein in her symptoms because that is likely how he was treated growing up.

Unless he can gain some understanding as to where his frustration comes from things will probably stay the same.

Is he open to learning about other possible reasons for your daughter's behavior, besides her being a brat? If so find some articles about early childhood ADHD and what it looks like. If he isn't open to learning, well, you may have some tough decisions to make.

ADDitudemag.com is a great resource for articles.

Keep supporting your daughter. Explain to her that she thinks differently than most kids she knows. Read some of the articles and ask your daughter questions about how she views her experiences. You may think she is too young but you would be surprised by how in tune she is. Her gaining an understanding of her different thinking will help her to understand others and why they react the way they do.

Let her know that there is absolutely nothing wrong or broken about her, even when dad gets frustrated. She isn't being bad and annoying him on purpose - show her that. Explain to her that dad doesn't understand that she sees the world differently than most. And explain that, unfortunately, dad has less patience than you do. If he is working on it tell her that. Again, if he's not working on it, find some support for yourself so you know what you can do to make the situation better for yourself and your daughter.

Good luck, hang in there,

BLC89

Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.

[Onthemove1971]

Welcome to the group, we are happy you are here joining us. This is a long journey with ups and downs. Parenting a child with ADHD is very different from a child without symptoms of ADHD.

For example most parents will say "I have tried all kinds of punishment" to fix the problem and they don't work. In fact a short intervention right when something happens is often more effective than something long and drawn out.

While it is not my place to comment on anyone's situation, learning about how to give consequences to a young child with ADHD could really be helpful for your daughter.

From the sound of your message it doesn't seem like your daughter has had a formal diagnosis or been given any tools to help her deal with her symptoms.

Maybe starting with her medical doctor to seek diagnosis and treatment would be helpful. Through this process maybe this will give your husband some tools to help him parent your daughter.

I am sorry you are dealing with this stress.

Know we are always here for you and can give you advice based on what we have been through.

Best of luck!

[Aliburke]

This sounds so tough. My son was around this age when we were beginning our diagnosis journey and I remember how difficult his behavior was at that age! I can’t imagine having to navigate that process with a partner who wasn’t on the same page. I agree with some of the other commenters that it sounds like your partner might have ADHD too and resources could be helpful in understanding and empathy.

I wanted to recommend an awesome book I recently picked up called ADHD from A to Z by Leanne Maskell. It’s written by a woman who has ADHD and is written in a very plain language and actionable way. If you have ADHD (I do, like my son), it’s also easy to flip through and read a little at a time without having to go chronologically.

Another question/suggestion: can you take your daughter out on the weekends with just you and her or with your partner? For my son at that age, we would go to neighborhood baseball fields or playgrounds or hiking trails first thing in the morning on a Saturday. It was helpful to get him to a location where he was free to get his energy out in a healthy way and without getting into trouble. My partner and I would sometimes trade off so the other could sleep in.

Another thing we would do (and sometimes still do) was a “high five game” where we’d set a course through the apartment and have my son run laps. We’d sit at the table chatting and give him a high five every time he passed us. May be a more reasonable (and fun) option than sitting on knees for a kid with ADHD.

Good luck and hugs to you. I hope for all of your sakes that you can find something that works for all of you.

[MaudQ]

I’m concerned that the punishment might be escalating into abuse. Acting out is a symptom of ADHD but those types of behaviors can be exacerbated or even caused by abusive parenting. You might want to take a look at this article and see if any of these signs apply to your husband.

hcjfs.org/services/child-pr...

Discipline is probably excessive if:

Child is physically injured, including bruising, broken skin, swelling or a situation that requires medical attention

Punishment is meant to instill fear rather than to educate the child

Caretaker, whether a parent, guardian or school official, loses control

Action is inappropriate for the child’s age

Action results from a caretaker’s unreasonable demands or expectations for the child

My father was very strict with my ADHD brother to the point where my brother is still, as an adult, working through the trauma. The strict punishment disregulates the kid further which brings on more punishment. Does your husband direct his anger at you? Do you feel safe with him? Try to get some support for yourself as well.

[2ADHDkids]

If we were in person, I’d give you a very long hug. I’m sorry things are so tough right now. What you and your daughter are going through is not easy, even if your husband was on board and supportive. Parenting is hard; parenting an ADHD child is even more challenging…and exhausting and emotionally draining, etc. You are not alone.

Previous commenters have already given some great advice. The only thing I will add is that praise is far more effective than punishment, especially for ADHD kids. And they need far more praise than neurotypical kids -- think 5-7 positives for every redirection/correction. Perhaps if you pour on the praise, your husband will notice how much more impactful it is? I know it is much easier said than done — my husband and I joke that sometimes we have to praise them for breathing because it’s so hard to do — but it really does help.

Two other thoughts — is your child in school? There may be teachers that are knowledgeable about ADHD that can offer you some support. Also, if you think you will eventually want her to get a diagnosis or testing or treatment, start looking into that process now and get on waitlists. It takes 6 months to a year where I live in the US to get off the waitlist for a neuropsych and I imagine it’s similar in the UK.

[Uptowngirl12121]

Hello Lonelymama - from our personal family experience I can say that once we received the formal diagnosis it changed everything. As a family we began to learn more about the behavioral symptoms and we took parental/family training to really grasp that punishing a child for a disability does not work very well. We got skills that taught us to let our child feel safe, seen, and secure. In this way we started to work on modifying behavior. I hope I do not offend and I'm sure there's other context but sitting on the knees as punishment does sound a bit concerning.

[LisethHIS]

Hi Lonelymama,

Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. I am really sorry to hear that your daughter is going through this and you as well. If you think your daughter may have ADHD,

we would recommend getting a professional testing and also consider family therapy. I believe you are Europe, but if you are interested, we have a parent-to-parent training that would be helpful. Here are some resources for you to read and look into.

these links you can share with your husband to help him have a better

understanding of ADHD. chadd.org/for-parents/overv...

d393uh8gb46l22.cloudfront.n...

chadd.org/for-parents/behav...

Here is a link to ADHD Europe adhdeurope.eu/ I would look into looking for a parent support group.

If you have further questions, please let us know. We are here to help!

Liseth

Health Information Specialist

CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD chadd.org

[BlueStripedMama]

Hi Lonelymama! Big hugs to you because you are in the middle of a really tough situation and it's clear that you are trying to do all the right things for your daughter. The first thing that comes to mind is how open is your husband to talking all of this through? I'm wondering if finding an LMFT (licensed marriage & family therapist) might be helpful for the two of you to go to -- and if the explicit purpose for going is to get on the same page in how you approach parenting for your daughter. That way, there is a licensed third party person who can help your husband think through his parenting style that sort of makes your conversation with him less uncomfortable that if you were just explaining on your own how what he is doing is making you uncomfortable. Maybe you could frame it as "We are all frustrated with this situation and I think we could both use help on how to get on the same page and find ways that work for kids like XXX - would you be open to going with me?" And if he says no, you could say "I'm planning to go and I'd love to share what I learn with you," just to lay more groundwork there. It would be great to be able to support your husband AND your daughter, but at the end of the day, follow your heart here and I love the advice about explaining to your daughter that your husband may not be able to see YET how she is only 4.5 and may have a different brain that panics when there are these strong reactions (though honestly.... who wouldn't??). You see and respect and love your daughter -- and she clearly needs you in her corner right now. I'm so glad she has you.

[eva2022]

Hello, Lonelymama-I can emphasize with both you and your husband. I’m a stay-at-home mom for my four children six and under, and I ‘get’ them better than their dad who works full time. I know what is going to be a trigger for my son with ADHD, I’ve practiced motivating him and giving him consequences. Other the other side of that, is that I feel tremendous pressure to ‘get my kid to behave’ because I feel like I’m failing as a parent if I don’t have perfect behavior. In the past, I’ve felt worried about my child and I’ve reacting from that worry. (How will he ever succeed in life if he can’t follow instructions? Ect) I’ve also said something in the heat of anger and then felt like I ‘had’ to follow through.

For me, the biggest help was the therapist Dr. Kazdin. He has worked at Yale for the past 2O years helping families with very difficult children who have all tried ‘escalating’ the punishment without any results. I wonder if your husband would be open to reading some of his articles (they are short). It sounds like he might not have a good picture of your daughter so something like a program to help ‘defiant ’ kids might speak to him (even if you know that your daughter is not defiant).

Ultimately it has taken me about four years to work through the anger and frustration that come with my son’s ASD ADHD behaviors. I’m still working on them.

The only other advice I would give you is to try to find some family therapy for you, your husband, and your daughter. Your husband needs to have someone else tell him that his behavior is not going to change the situation or your daughter’s behavior.

Best of luck. Even in families where the parents are mostly on the same page, conflicts with parents occur. I get it. It is very, very hard.

Below is a link to some of the resources I mentioned:

alankazdin.com

[yeller]

Bully don't change. I had to involve Child Protective Services later on down the road. Protect your daughter.

[HoldingonLou]

Hugs