My wife is a wonderful mom, but unfortunately struggles with teaching kids basic skills, like self control, manners, proper behavior, and more. When the kids are with her it’s like a jungle (with me they are much better). In addition, she is also a bit of a hypochondriac. So she always looks to see if the kids have disease. She is always stressed and now taking medication to help with that.
When our son started kindergarten, my wife wanted to do an ADHD evaluation for him. I eventually caved in and went with it just so that she doesn’t blame me for preventing him from getting help. He doesn’t have ADHD symptoms in my opinion. He is smart and lively and strong. Just some problems at school that are totally normal. Academically he’s great. Possibly gifted (I have a PhD and come from a family of scholars).
The evaluation was done when he just turned 5 and results came in recently that he has ADHD. The Kaiser psychologist who did the analysis never met my son. And the data he used was inaccurate and outdated. I have contacted the psychologist before the analysis was over and requested to stop the evaluation, but he ignored and sent the results. I filed a complaint with Kaiser and requested all the evaluation materials to be deleted.
I know that my wife and I need to resolve some issues, but am wondering if anyone can advise on what to do in this situation? I’m worried she will label him with a problem he doesn’t have and put him on medicine. He is such a wonderful child, it breaks my heart that she is constantly looking for flaws in him.
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There is a massive misconception that a child with ADHD can’t be great academically. Many people with ADHD have extremely high IQ or they might have a ‘spiky educational profile’ where they will be ‘genius in one thing but let’s say really struggle with handwriting (fine motor skills etc) or anything else…
There are types of ADHD and it would be worth checking which one your child has been diagnosed with - maybe it’s just hyperactive / impulsive and then it would mean that he focuses and takes in everything even though he’s lively and disturbing the whole classroom. So basically in this type it means that it would have impact on his life and how others perceive him but not have impact on his learning, at least not yet at this young age.
I think you are right being worried about pharmacotherapy. I think not enough is being said about the side effects and adverse reactions. People seem to say, yes I can put up with ‘stunted growth’ as long as my child can focus and not be disruptive in the class.
But then there is a range of other adverse effects such as heart health etc and as much as there is no direct link with higher prevalence of heart disease later in life, I think it’s simply because no one is able to do proper longitudinal studies on it. It’s a fact that heart rate can significantly increase whist on stimulants and also on Atomoxetine and on Qelbree. The same negative impact observed with the blood pressure going up on those meds. Guanfacine does opposite and it’s also not great for heart health…
I’d say postpone the medication as long as possible. See how his relations with peers are, can he play with others…
As per how he’s with you and how he’s with your wife. That’s often the theme with ADHD kids and being let’s say oppositional and very difficult to the main carer and a little nearly angel to dads… That's how my ADHD son has been presenting- for me he was so difficult that I basically stopped liking my own child. Yet with his dad he was much better and would do what he refused to do for me… He was from young playing us this way against each other… So we’d argue and my husband would say that I have one thing to do all day- take care of kids and I am useless and nothing gets done. And then after a few years my son started being little s… also for my husband and saying ‘no’ to everything that is ‘work’ and ‘learning difficult stuff.’
At school m he hasn’t been oppositional because they don’t expect anything of him - he tells me that he likes school and hates home because at school he doesn’t have to do anything difficult and at home I make him do ‘work’. He says at school in maths he does a bit and then goes to the loo and takes his time and washes hands for a very long time and then when he comes back it’s finished. School allows him this and bless, he doesn’t have comprehension to know that by allowing him this ‘not doing any work’ school harms him, that’s why then he’s 2 years behind in maths and needs private home tuition and sits at school clueless in lesson.
So basically I won’t ramble anymore but ADHD presents in many ways- kids can be different in different environments, kids with higher IQ will for long time be able to do much better and you may even doubt the ADHD, kids will be able to have hyper focus on what they love, kids will have strategies to avoid anything that’s ‘hard work and difficult’ for them, kids will be delayed with emotional development so they will struggle in relations with the peer group, with conflict resolution etc. Also impulsiveness means trouble at school and in the school’s playground. It never ends, they will carry on having trouble with executive function and finishing long projects at school…
I’d say the most important will be relations with peers at this young age so you can observe this for yourself- arrange weekend play days and see how your son plays with others. Also don’t fall for the trap where he already managed to play you and your wife against each other…Hear her out, for her he may well be really terrible even if with you he’s your great pal.
I can’t comment on other flaws of your wife that you mentioned 😉But to put stuff in perspective, I have 2 children and younger doesn’t have ADHD and everything is sooo easy, all parenting works and I don’t even have to think how to do ‘parenting’ with my non ADHD kid.
Having my older son with ADHD daily I started hating being a parent, many times I fantasised that I’d just pack my suitcase and go and never come back, leaving my family behind. And yes, many times I thought that maybe I need some antidepressants etc, luckily in the UK that’s not so easy to get those prescribed so I carry on without any medication, having my younger son- our little perfect sunshine giving us strength…kind of knowing that there is no magic pill to make me happy in my life but I do try to be happy sometimes- o. Holidays and when meeting my friends... It feels like I have done something wrong in my previous life and now Gods punish me and gave me this ADHD child 😉
I even discussed with my husband that maybe we could place him in a boarding school but he’s not academic enough and no decent school would take him, we know that actually he’s quite vulnerable and he’d be the one bullied and abused etc or even ‘kicked out’ of the boarding school. So we just have to deal with him until he’s an adult.
Why have I write all this- so maybe you have some sympathy for your wife.😉
Yes, my youngest does not have it either and, while he gets a bit clingy and needy at times, parenting him is like 1000x easier than it is/was with my daughter at a similar age.
Any child, ADHD or not, tend to act up more around their main caretaker because it's who they are with the most and because they feel safe to be themselves. It is basic child development.
You can say this however when my experience is having 2 children (both boys) - older son with ADHD and younger without ADHD and I did not experience this type of behavioural difficulties with him, I never had to think about my parenting with him, we just live lives and do things and we can treat him on a level from when he was a toddler. Nothing of this manipulative getting out of doing things that are hard or considered chores, there is no difficulty following instructions’ with the non ADHD son, none of it.
Especially it is quite striking as in my case it’s my older son who has ADHD so parenting him I didn’t know otherwise. I thought that all kids are like this. I remembered my younger brothers being little s… as well and considering how their lives developed I think both my brothers have ADHD and I have it too.
And then my non ADHD son was born and I got a shock- I was like, ha, so that’s how it looks for people who have kids who don’t have ADHD or any other neurodevelopmental condition. I started understanding why people want to have more than 2 kids and that they enjoy it.
My husband and I would do anything for our kids and we basically live for them. It’s just with the non ADHD kid we get ‘reward’ that everything we expose him to and involve him and pay for activities and sports and whatever- he is enthusiastic and motivated and carries on. The ADHD kid- everything is like a ‘fish climbing the tree’ and
I think we all got side tracked here a bit because we were meant to be replying to a dad who disagrees with ADHD diagnosis for his child because it wasn’t done in person by a professional and because his wife and a main career to the child seemed to do it behind his back.
Dad also in a few words explained that he thinks that his wife is incompetent in her parenting and in between the lines he said that probably she needs some help for her ‘made up’ hypochondriac stuff. That’s a big thing to say about your wife and a mother to your kids.
This dad says that had she been doing things differently the kids would have had manners and everything else well taught.
The thing is, and that’s my ADHD and hence I do ramble a lot, if the child has ADHD average competent parenting doesn’t work or let’s put it this way- doesn’t produce the same effect as doing exactly the same with a child who does not have ADHD.
That’s all I wanted to point out- that maybe wife has a point, maybe even though not in person, the diagnosis is right. Maybe it’s not her ‘incompetent parenting’ but a child who has differently wired brain- ADHD brain. That’s what I have- I have ADHD brain and that’s what my son inherited from me but even more severe version of what I have. My husband and my younger son don’t have ADHD.
I had my daughter evaluated by an educational specialist, neurologist and then got a second opinion by a psychiatric ADHD specialist. The educational specialist was expensive and they usually don’t take insurance but he was worth every penny. All three providers agreed my daughter had ADHD. I would question the finding too if your son was never officially evaluated.
Seconding all this. It’s hard to get the right diagnoses. We had neuropsychs done by psychologists, we had to fill out parent forms, the teachers had to fill out forms and the school district did their own eval. And it’s a moving target because kids grow and change!
May I ask something not connected to this post- I noticed you mentioned Tourette. Would you be okay sharing this? My son has had ticks now like for 4 years, sometimes worse and sometimes better but both vocal (he does animal noise - ‘bark’ ‘bark’ and laughs about it later and it’s hard to get any information about it from him, I asked him recently about some insight and he said ‘My mates do animal noises too.’ ) and body- like some weird twitch of leg out of nowhere and only sometimes and he also smells his fingers sometimes, in the past he had eye rolling up- this one he didn’t even know he was doing and it’s nothing that person can do even if they try- to roll eye like that. What is the process of diagnosing Tourette?
My daughter was diagnosed by her neurologist. There are different types of tic disorders and each have their own criteria. Tourette Syndrome requires at least one vocal tic (this can be simple like a throat clear, cough, sniffing or complex like animal noises, or sentences) and multiple motor tics for at least 1 year. The tics wax and wane and tend to increase with anxiety and when attention is brought to them. I would have your child see a neurologist for evaluation. Tourette.org is a wealth of knowledge and you can reach out to the TAA to seek help with finding a provider. There are centers of excellence for treating Tourette Syndrome and they can help you find these if you have any in your area. The Tourette Association of America has been extremely helpful! Feel free to ask any questions about Tourette Syndrome. I’m glad to help in any way. 🙂
Thanks. I have made the first step and asked our family doctor to refer to paediatric neurologist of my choice. I am choosing to pay for it and not wait on NHS but it’s still 3 months waiting list even though we are self paying …Maybe some time if that’s okay with you I will ask privately some questions… I am aware I am in someone’s post here and posting something else!
I’m glad you made an appointment! Yeah, sad to say that is a “normal” waitlist time to get into neurology. Yes, feel free whenever you’re ready to ask me any questions and I will do my best to answer them or try to find you someone that can. All the best!
sounds like you are blaming your wife for your children’s behaviours. Why is it her “fault” that she “struggles with teaching kids basic skills, like self control, manners, proper behavior, and more.” Are you not parenting together? Perhaps there are more issues at play here and some marriage counselling may be in order.
Ps children with adhd can be wonderful smart and well behaved, a diagnosis does not preclude children from being successful in life. Perhaps check your biases at the door and and be open to a professionals opinion.
Don't take this the wrong way, but, I think you need to educate yourself on what ADHD is, how it can present itself (not always the same ways), and what the long term consequences are of having untreated ADHD. You may not agree with the diagnosis, so get a second opinion from an in person evaluation. Also, look at how your son acts compared to other kids his age. That was what actually convinced me that my daughter had that, because she was NOT able to do things that other kids her age could (waiting in line, sitting for a few minutes, lots of others). I think that actually may show you the most information.It seems to me that your pride might be getting in your way. It's hard to accept that your child might be different, especially when you are very educated and together. But not being willing to accept it is only hurting your child, ultimately. You owe it to them to try and help them as much as you can.
By the way, it's entirely possible that they can have ADHD AND be gifted. It's called "twice exceptional" or 2e. ADHD is not an intellectual disability, it's a neurodevelopmental disorder, so it affects things like regulation and impulse control, not intelligence. In fact since it's a type of neurodivergence, you may find your kid gets fascinated by a certain topic and can tell you every little detail about it (whether you want to hear it or not 🤣)
Great response MarchMommy. I agree with everything you say. Not just because I agree but also because I have read and done research and have come to the same conclusions. My recommendation to this Dad is read, watch, and listen to experts. Check out Russell Barkley. Shannon00000, use your intelligence to get all the info you can about ADHD. And then you will feel empowered to deal with this issue. Good luck.
This sounds incredibly stressful - I’m sorry you’re going through it. This is definitely a good place to be asking questions; hopefully we can help a little bit. To put your mind at ease, ADHD doesn’t have anything to do with intellect; people with ADHD can be brilliant. Among my adult ADHD friends, one is a judge, another a lawyer who is also a fund manager, another who is a PhD in some kind of bio tech thing I don’t understand 😅 ADHD is more about things like time blindness, impulse control, focus issues. Try Driven to Distraction or Dr. Barkley’s work. The NCBI has good articles too. The psychologist who ran your son’s tests could also be a resource. With your intellectual capacity, you will also likely be able to understand the drug studies better. There are many many medications that treat ADHD and they all work for different reasons and have different benefits and side effects. Some of these meds have been around for a long time, so there is quite a lot of longitudinal data. You could also look up what the statistics are for people who have ADHD and don’t get treated. Talk with your son’s teachers. I assume they filled out forms on their end for the psychologist? I’m also wondering what your wife’s perspective is and if there’s a way for the two of you to connect non-conflictually. A couples or family therapist could help you get back on the same page.
I agree. I had my daughter evaluated by both an educational specialist as well as a full psych evaluation, Speech, OT and PT by her school (they wanted to do their own testing). Her IQ is in the 92nd%. Private testing found she (9yrs old) tested in some areas comparable to a 12th grader and in other areas to that of a kindergartener. In school she is passing, in a higher reading group… but struggles with executive functioning, self control/compulsiveness and extremely fidgety. My daughter also has Tourette Syndrome and OCD but I agree ADHD does not mean your son isn’t intelligent.
First, let me say that I'm glad you're such a fierce advocate for your son. It's essential that our kids have effective advocacy from their parents, particularly since the system seems to be ill equipped to meet kids needs. It's also essential that you are effective in your advocacy, as it sounds like your current efforts aren't having the results you're hoping for.
I'll agree with the responses that state that ADHD has nothing to do with overall intelligence... I have moderate to severe ADHD, was assessed as having high intelligence, hold two undergraduate degrees, and was practically begged by profs in three different fields to be their masters student. I also struggled with my mental health because of the social and personal cost of the ADHD.
The fact that you don't see ADHD symptoms when they're with you could be because your kid doesn't have ADHD. It could also be because your home environment is a good fit for them, so they don't experience as many issues. It could be that you are seeing things that ARE ADHD symptoms, but you characterize them differently.
You mention that your kid does well academically but has "some problems at school that are totally normal". What sort of "Normal" problems are they having?
Your description of your approach with their mom and the psychologist seems quite adversarial based on my read (Which, of course is highly subjective, and could just be the way you wrote it). I would highly recommend reading more about ADHD before you take your next steps, as it is possibly the worst named disorder in the DSM, and you may be operating based on some extremely common misconceptions. Even if your assessment is the correct one, it sounds like you're not getting very far when it comes to being heard, so arming yourself with a deep understanding of ADHD will improve cour future advocacy for your son.
Attention is a symptom, not the central issue. It's also not a deficit, but a lack of control of attention (see also hyperfocus). Fundimentally ADHD is really poor executive function. This means that rather than it being about attention per se, it's about problems with:
Impulse control
Emotional regulation
Ability to adapt to unexpected changes
Working memory
Self-monitoring
Planning and prioritizing
Task initiation
Organizing and prioritizing
Time management (being blind to the passage of time; not being able to judge how long a task will take)
There are other components, but many are simply a by-product or natural consequence of the list above.
There are also dozens of other things that can present in a very similar way to ADHD, so when talking to the psychologist, maybe ask them why they feel ADHD is more likely than x,y, or z.
Don't stop advocating for your son, and also try to keep an open mind. Also remember that the behavioural interventions for ADHD are not the least bit harmful for kids who don't have it. Also, the dosages of ADHD meds approved for your son's age are highly unlikely to cause harm, especially in the short term, and if they don't have ADHD, the meds are unlikely to elicit n improvement.
First, I'm surprised that the Kaiser psychologist never met your son. In my area, Kaiser does a more thorough job then any specialist and they evaluate the kids in a group setting (in addition to the parent and teacher forms). However, many psychologists use the parent and teacher forms ONLY so it is not really out of the ordinary.
Second, having ADHD is not a death sentence nor does it mean that you must medicate your child. Medication is a decision that you need to make as a parent. In my sons case, he was diagnosed in Kindergarten. He had hyperactive/impulsive version only. This meant that he would be talking with other kids and bouncing around, but would hear everything the teacher said and could repeat it verbatim. In Kindergarten he read the first Harry Potter book and excelled in all areas academically. He struggled in other areas such as social skills. Because he was doing well academically there was no reason to medicate. In 2nd grade, we tried medication for the first time since he started having some physical conflicts. He was not able to tolerate the side effects and we stopped (and dealt with the behavioral issues as best we could in other ways). He continued to do well academically. Towards the end of 4th grade he started mentioning having trouble focusing during math. He started mentioning it more in 5th grade so we tried medication again. His body was able to tolerate it and he felt it helped a ton with being able to focus in class. His teacher reported that he changed from a good student to a super star. He is now in 7th grade. Still on medication (we occasionally have to up the dose since his body is growing a lot). He tells us when he feels it's not working anymore. He is still a good student - his reading is testing at college level. He is taking the math 7/8 accelerated class at school and was bored and ahead so we enrolled him in an online course for IM1 (9th grade math) which he is doing well at.
He probably does way too much gaming with his friends, but that is one way he connects with his friends. As long as he gets his school work done and does physical activities like soccer and martial arts, I feel the gaming is fine. My 6th grade daughter also has ADHD which presents very differently than my son. She additionally has other learning disabilities (auditory processing disorder, dygraphia, dyslexia, anxiety). She started medication at the end of 4th grade, although we knew she had ADHD in Kindergarten.
Third, I agree with the other parents who said that every kid is different and that you need to observe your child at school (during academic instruction, during recess, during free time in class, plus the actual academic work), and compare your child with the other kids. Just because you don't see problems when he is with you does not mean he is doing well at school. I volunteered in both my children's classroom all through elementary school for this exact reason. I was able to see the range of academic work and social/behavioral skills in each grade and compare this to how my child was doing.
I want to add that kids with ADHD (and other learning disabilities) generally are better behaved at school (especially in Kindergarten) than at home. This is because they try so hard to do well at school and then are burned out by the time they get home. They have to work so much harder than the other students (to focus, to sit still, etc). They should feel comfortable enough with the parent to be themselves when they get home. You state that he has "problems at school that are totally normal". Which exact problems is he having?
But if things like ADHD are overlooked, the teacher and other students can start labeling the child as lazy (inattentive ADHD) or crazy/mean/defiant/bad (hyperactive/impulsive ADHD). This can lead the kid to blame themselves for being different. They either become depressed or give up trying. If they're being labeled "bad" then why not be really "bad"?
An ADHD diagnosis simply provides you with more information about your child and a toolkit of how to help them succeed. Please educate yourself more about ADHD as many other parents here have suggested.
Also look up how many successful adults have ADHD. It's very eye opening.
You’ve got some good responses here so I just have one thing to add. For young kids, the first step I would expect the doctor to recommend is parent training or parent therapy. Studies show parent training is just as effective as medication for young kids with adhd so that should be the first recommended step. Specifically our neurodevelopmental pediatrician recommended parent child interaction therapy (PCIT). We had trouble finding a provider and went through some other parent therapy which was somewhat helpful. Now we’re trying PCIT and it seems helpful in a different way. Our son is 5 and half and has been diagnosed for a year.
We’re also trying a medical route because his aggressive behavior has made it hard for him to be in a regular environment with other kids (eg he’s been asked to leave two preschools in a year). I’ll also echo what others have said about him being an absolute joy in many situations. I regularly have strangers at playgrounds comment on what a joy he is and how lucky we are to have such a happy friendly kid. 😅
Thank you all for your support! Great tips too. Here’s a summary and sorry if I missed something:
Get additional evaluations
Learn more about ADHD
Be empathetic to your wife
Be open to the possibility of ADHD
Observe him at school
Try therapy first
Advocate for your child
One of the things you really got me curious about is whether it is common for an ADHD child to show symptoms with one parent but not with the other. Any links to research on this would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I was surprised that nobody asked if I have a plan for my child. Let me share what I’ve learned first. If I recall correctly, 30% of kindergartens are misdiagnosed with ADHD (!!) and this is higher with boys, and even higher with boys who are younger compared to their cohort (my son just turned 5 when starting kindergarten). There are many negative implications for misdiagnosis: labeling, damaged self esteem, failure to address the real problem, and more. Secondly, if I’m not mistaken, the definition of ADHD is that a child has at least 6 (out of 18) issues manifesting in at least 2 environments (say home and school) for at least 6 months, and those issues are causing a real problem. My son doesn’t qualify under this definition. Very far from it in fact.
Thus, my own interpretation is that my son doesn’t have ADHD and he’s at a high risk group for damage from misdiagnosis. At the same time, the definition of ADHD is very subjective. What if I’m wrong? If he has ADHD then I definitely want him to get treatment; even medication. Anything that can help him.
So, what I proposed to my wife is that we wait one year and then re-asses. In addition to changes we’ve made at home, which dramatically improved his behavior, I’ve also been building stronger relationships with the staff at school and will start volunteering soon.
Now about my son. Yesterday he was playing a game on his tablet. I came in the middle and said “we need to go to the farm soon, can you dress up?”. He politely said that the game has no pause option and asked if he can finish it. I said ok and left. When the game was over, 3 minutes later, he turned off the tablet, went upstairs, changed, and came downstairs. This is typical. Even when he’s tired around 7pm he can still do homework, follow instructions like brushing, dressing up, choosing a book, and even when there’s play mixed up!! (which makes task switching more difficult). As for the problems he has at school, it’s very minor. Like he pulled one boy’s shirt after that boy wouldn’t stop teasing him. It happened twice in the whole year. There’s another SPED girl that keeps bothering him and breaking the stuff that he builds and he hit her a few times out of frustration. We’re working with him on controlling himself, but it’s only when someone is doing him wrong too many times that he takes matters into his hands. There are numerous situations at home when his little brother is cutting him off, stealing toys from his room, hitting him, etc. and he comes to me to complain without tears; very composed. How can a 5.5 year old with this level of self control can have ADHD? I’ve also watched many YouTube videos to see what an ADHD child is like. Granted, there’s a spectrum, but my son is definitely not hyperactive. We just had the school fair where he and I waited in line for more than 20 minutes to get a face paint and he did great.
Finally I want to say I’m not a perfect father. Both my wife and I are stretched to the limits. When I think about how we raised our son, in the COVID era, without experience (he’s our first), without socializing, I am not surprised at all that he’s having some issues. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he has ADHD; just like a person with a fever and a runny nose doesn’t necessarily have a cold.
Mine is of a similar age and has the same self control in the situations you described. However, we had plenty of other things at home and school that were concerning. We scheduled the neuropsych battery (hours of testing) after completing evaluations from our school. The psychologist during the testing scheduling appointment, and meeting my kid for the first time, commented that she was doubtful of ADHD. After the first hour of testing, she confirmed it to me by making an appointment with the first available child psychiatrist who sees kids under age 6 (not the easiest find quickly, btw). Just an example of how wrong we could be without proper testing. We received diagnoses after the battery was completed, and this will all be repeated at age 8. Our family psychologist, who is a different practitioner, felt that nothing was set in stone until after age 8. Another curve ball for us is twice exceptional. It made so much sense after I started to realize the ways in which her intelligence masked "severely" lagging skills.
With my son, he has a strange combination of "mature beyond his years" with some behaviors and the typical "behind by 2-3 years" with other behaviors. Even though my son was diagnosed with the hyperactive-impulse version of ADHD, at ages 4 + 5 he was fine waiting in line with me for long periods of time. We would talk or play word games together or people watch. But change that to a line by himself, surrounded by other kids pushing his buttons and he was often the one in trouble (not the other kids who acted out in the first place - they would always catch my son's reaction, but never what triggered it). This led to lots of discussions about fairness - since things weren't fair. My son also was unable to control himself if he felt someone else was being picked on. While this is a good trait to try and keep in general, he had to learn to speak up instead of being physical.
I also remember taking him to a psychologist one time when he was 4 and we were trying to figure out what was going on with him. We did not think it was ADHD since he excelled academically and did not have the concerning behaviors all the time. During this one visit, he played quietly with some office toys in the corner and even politely asked permission for something (normal behavior for him at home with us most of the time). The psychologist actually asked me if I expected my child to be perfect. I responded that I did not. I expected my child to try things and fail because that's the only way to grow. But I remember being so confused and second guessing my parenting a lot right after that.
Going through the Kaiser diagnosis program in our area, while the kids are evaluated in a group, the parents are taken aside and given some education about ADHD. Then when he was officially diagnosed, we attended an 8 session class (taught by a psychologist who himself had ADHD) and we learned a ton. During that class, we also realized that my husband probably has undiagnosed ADHD. Later, I read lots of books and did other research as well.
My son has had 1 best friend since Kindergarten and they added 2 more friends to the group in 1st grade. The 4 are all still best friends. I remember that in 2nd or 3rd grade I finally told those parents that he had ADHD and they were all surprised because he has always behaved well at their houses and they never would have guessed.
I guess I'm trying to say that it's not always as obvious as you'd think that a child has ADHD.
With my daughter, we already knew a lot about ADHD and knew that it showed up differently in girls. She has the inattentive version and we had to fight to get her diagnosed. Girls are just quiet in class right? She's not causing problems at school so why look closer?
I hope that some of my examples have shown that none of the situations you describe above exclude ADHD. I think your plan to volunteer at school, learn more about ADHD, and then reassess in a year is a good one.
ADHD has nothing to do with intelligence. I was in National Honor Society throughout our school and I have inattentive ADHD. My son has combined type ADHD and he makes straight A's. I suggest you look into resources such as Dr. Russell Barkley's book, Taking Charhe of ADHD" as there is a lot of hokey out there on causes/treatments/cures, but as someone with it myself I found myself agreeing. I've known since I was in 2nd grade, but my son's is a different type so what worked for me doesn't always work for him.
Kids with ADHD can be up to 30% behind developmentally as well so don't expect them to always behave like other kids their age. Also, the executive dysfunction part affects their ability to control their emotions. Find a counselor who understands ADHD and get a 504 plan or IEP (it has more teeth legally) if your kids need help in school whether it's behaviorally, learning organization and study skills, etc.
I only skimmed through the other replies so I'll apologize in advance if I'm repeating what others have said. It sounds like this psychologist made the same diagnosis a pediatrician makes. They look at parent/teacher/self questionnaires and diagnose ADHD--Inattentive, Hyperactivity, or Combined Type based on the number of "often or very often" answers. There are also Psychoeducational and Psychological evaluations that are in-person, in-depth evaluations that look not only for ADHD but also other disorders such as dyslexia, dyscalculia, anxiety, depression, OCD, etc. The psychologist performing this type of evaluation uses similar parent/teacher/self questionnaires along with a series of other in-person, one-on-one tests including IQ tests. They still diagnose ADHD based on the number of "often/very often" marked on the questionnaire, but they also look for and rule out other issues. You get a thorough report (20-30 pages) explaining the diagnosis along with recommendations on ways to help.
I'll reiterate what others have said. Being smart does not exclude ADHD. A lot of people with ADHD have very high IQs. In some ways, it makes ADHD more challenging because they are smart enough to realize they should be behaving differently, but they can't. Until they understand what ADHD is and how to manage it, they assume they are weird, stupid, etc. My daughter was diagnosed with ADHD-combined type and Dyslexia. Her IQ is in the superior range.
Is your wife the primary caregiver? Do you spend a similar amount of time with your son or is your time more limited? I ask, not to parent shame you, but this could be why your son acts differently with you than your wife. If time with you is "more valuable" because he sees you less frequently, he might behave differently because he wants to please you. Is your wife's time with your son quality time, or is it time spent at the grocery store, running errands, cleaning the house, etc? Let's face it, as parents we have chores that need to get done regardless of our kid's behaviors. I used to leave the grocery store when my kids started misbehaving, but that was not sustainable as we need the groceries. Sometimes you must ignore the behavior (assuming he isn't hurting himself or others), power through, and get the groceries. Maybe this is what your wife is doing when you think she isn't teaching them how to behave. Dealing with kids with and without ADHD can be exhausting and overwhelming at times!
I suggest you actually read it. Yes, there was a difference. But statistics can be very misleading and numbers like 30% sound huge. However the actual difference in diagnosis was 21.5 kids per 10,000 kids. Is your kid one of the 21.5 per 10,000? Maybe - only time will tell.
They weren't even able to remove from the study the August kids whose parents had them start school a year later. I'm sure you're aware that many kids with June-August birthdays actually start school a year later. How many? This study doesn't know.
Thanks for your response. We split 50/50 on everything. My wife is doing her best. And she has improved recently. Think about it like this: you are a principal at a school and you have two teachers: one is always organized, their class is always well behaved, they have great interpersonal skills with kids, staff, and parents, they are always positive. The other teacher is the opposite. You try to make the second teacher be like the first one. Is that going to work? Not really. Just because we love each other doesn’t mean we have the same capabilities or attitudes, or that we can be aligned. I do think that our kids suffer from that though. We will start family counseling to address those issues.
Wow! Your wife sounds just like me! And that’s ADHD!
And luckily my husband is the opposite of me and a high flyer and a high earner because otherwise with my skills we’d be in the dump.
My husband and I also share bringing our kids up 50/50 since God sent Covid and he works fully form home. And eventually he can see fully what is happening here in the household.
However hear me there- I have all those flaws like your wife (basically I am hopeless like your wife😉) yet my younger son who doesn’t have ADHD responds to my parenting style super positive and thrives on it in every aspect of his life- socially he’s the most popular kid in the class, he knows how to stay away from trouble, he learns everything we as parents want him to learn including manners and self discipline and foreign language and piano plus he’s both in our local junior football team and cricket team - because he’s not only brilliant academically (top 10% in his year group) and socially but also amazing at sports. And if we had enough time in a day he was also doing amazingly in tennis and swimming and chess… But there is not enough time in the week…
So basically my ‘incompetent’ 😉 parenting hasn’t affected development of my non ADHD son. However my ADHD son - doesn’t respond well to my parenting.
Your son is only 5 now and I’d take a guess that he does have ADHD and that if you won’t start supporting him with this, then in a few years time he won’t be doing so well as you say he is doing now… for you. Because as you say he’s already not responding well to your wife’s parenting style.
Why I am writing this- because maybe it’s not only your wife’s flaws but also your son inherited some gens from her and has ADHD. Maybe it’s worth to reevaluate him with the provider of your choice, someone who you think is competent.
I think this conversation here is quite emotionally loaded, let’s say for me… Because I have ADHD and I know how many times in life it was so much harder for me and even now my impulsiveness means blurting stuff I then regret saying out loud, bad decision making, deserting projects and never completing things… And yet I am not stupid…
When my ADHD son was young but didn’t have the diagnosis I heard it on both sides from my parents and from my mother in law that it is my parenting’, not him…They meant ‘my incompetent’ parenting😄
Now we know it’s ‘him’ and we are helping him, making sure that he progresses in his life and becomes an independent adult able to form relationships and safely sail through his life.
I think at the end of the day we all want our children to grow and become competent (!!!) adults able to enjoy their lives and succeed whatever the ‘success’ means to them and to best of their abilities.
Oh yes, I'm familiar with getting blamed for poor parenting. That mostly stopped when my parents actually saw one of my son's meltdowns for themselves. They were especially shocked by how innocent the comment was that triggered the meltdown. Prior to that, they knew he was having meltdowns, but they thought I was exaggerating the intensity.
On the flip side, my sister is also somewhat of a hypochondriac, so I get where the OP is coming from when someone is always looking for what is wrong. That can be frustrating, too. He said somewhere down the thread that they actually split the parenting 50/50, so if he isn't seeing issues it could be that his son doesn't have ADHD, or it could be that his parenting style is what their son needs to manage his ADHD. My kids behave differently around their dad than they do me. Sometimes it is so poorly that I actually intervene, which is saying something because I wouldn't describe them as 'always well behaved' when I'm in charge.
It’s just we all are trying to be best parents we can I think and that’s why we are in this forum!
I watched the other day this famous film and there was a prisoner being interrogated and then the other cop comes and plays a good cop and says ‘Oh they shouldn’t have done it. Let get you some food.’ etc. Basically one cop is a bad cop and then the ‘good’ cop comes and prisoner does what they want from him, gives in all the information they needed. It’s not exactly like this with ADHD kids…
But it feels a bit like this- that one parents is a ‘bad’ cop and the other one is a ‘good’ cop and gets results. Except it’s the ADHD kid who is playing parents this way. It’s not them parents doing this as a team to get results from a child.
For example my kids for me will not get to beds in organised and quick way. I don’t know why but they just won’t. I don’t do anything differently to my husband and I get a different result. But since now my husband works from home he does bed time and they are good as good for him and in beds by 8pm and even earlier sometimes.
I’d say 50/50 but does it mean being there at the critical moments such as bed time and morning routine etc. These are the most difficult times with ADHD kids…
ADD is hereditary, is there anyone in your immediate family that could have ADD? That could be another clue as well but you are right to question and wanting to get this one right.
Personally, I'm not a big fan of medication at such a young age (no disrespect or judgment to those that do!), so I think your plan to reevaluate in 1 year is a good plan. I'd also request a full Psych or PscychEd evaluation. I could see from an early age that my son was more hyper and active than his peers, but I chose not to have him evaluated. I wasn't prepared to medicate him, and I wanted to make sure he didn't need a little longer to mature. (His birthday is in June, so he is almost a year younger than some peers. There is a lot of development over 12 months at that age!) In retrospect, I think I waited too long to get my son diagnosed. He was in 5th grade by the time we got the diagnosis. That was in 2021 and we had to wait for 6 months to get the psych evaluation because of the Covid mental health crisis backlog.
As a compromise with your wife, you could consider implementing more ADHD-friendly parenting techniques now. Most are good techniques to use with any child. Honestly, it sounds like it will affect her parenting style more than yours. Your parenting style is more structured which is what kids with ADHD need. BTW, The fact that you understand that your wife will probably never have your same teaching/parenting style is awesome! A lot of folks can never understand why someone with ADHD can't get (or stay!) organized.
Your situation sounds similar to my son. I am sharing our journey with you in case it is helpful for your family’s journey. He is 7.5 now in 2nd grade and is 2e, ADHD and gifted. We are at a period where things are stable.
We started having reports from school/childcare at around 5 as well, not on the academic side but on transitions and emotional regulation side. At 5, he was so young his behaviour was not so apparent, we thought he was spirited, he was also very bright. But one care taker did suggest ADD to us, that was our first clue but we were very apprehensive.
At 6, his grade 1 teacher again raised concern. He was assessed by his pediatrician, I agree the process with the surveys isn’t very thorough, the pediatrician spent 10 minutes with my son. It came out as inconclusive, clearly challenges in one area of his life, school but not universally. We started putting ourselves on wait list for psych Ed assessment as the wait can be up to 2 years. With all of the concerns what we did start in K and 1, is a lot of good to do things, supplements, omega 3, multivitamin, naturopathic supplements for focus, as per his teacher’s advice cut out most screen time, added sugars, juices etc. and lots of exercise, biking, swimming, skating, martial arts. With some adaptations from school and at home he finished grade 1 with a great relationship with his teacher but she was also a fantastic teacher.
At 7, grade 2 we had a lot of struggles, our teacher was also away approx 40% of the time, the school reported a lot of concerns as soon as the school year began. We finally got a spot for a psych ed, I’m glad he did it at the age that he did as it does require reading and writing skills at at 6 he may have still been a bit young but depends on the child. 5 is definitely too young. This was the comprehensive assessment I was looking for, it involved 2x 4 hours assessments with a psychologist experienced in kids for ADHD, giftedness, etc. He spent a lot of time talking, playing and getting to know our son as well as coaxing him to complete the assessments. It came with a 2 hour debrief and well written 30 page report. With this we had a piece of the puzzle, he was a 2e kid, the report sounded like our child and things began to make sense.
I read a book called finally focused which was recommended by a few parents in this forum. With it we tweaked our supplements and finally started considering medication. Prior to medication, we did a pharmagenomics assessment and I am so glad we did as it turns out he cannot metabolize properly Ritalin, which is often considered a first line medication. We met with our pediatrician again who by the way is also 2e and raised a 2e family and she convinced me from her own person experience not being diagnosed until in medical school how much medication helped her, that convinced me to to get started, he is on 5mg on Aderral XR now for a few months. His focus and concerns from school improved, I noticed a difference within 15 minutes of the first dose, he was just more willing to do the things he knew he was suppose to do, like get dressed or get ready to leave the house.
What persisted though was his emotional disregulation , he tends to get very stuck and very upset and emotional and needs to principal to come and help to calm him down. We really considered increasing his dosage, but something told me it wasn’t his focus or doplamine levels, ended up reading Healing ADD, and he sounded exactly like the Overfocused ADD type, we tried the supplements recommended 5htp which is a serotonin precursor. If we were able to access a clinic we would have considered a scan as well. But we are not unfortunately, he started sessions with Neurofeedback and it was recommended in both books and we also started clinical counseling, mostly for him to work on emotional regulations skills which frankly I think are life skills which would benefit most people.
So knowing what I know, I would suggest:
1) get on a wait list for a psych Ed assessment, if you suspect giftedness you should get evaluated for both.
2) start on some of the good to do items, would help everyone. Good sleep hygiene, eating habits, screen time, vitamins/nutrients, exercise, bonding and family time
3) in the event the psych Ed is also in agreement in ADD then consider pharmagenomics testing for potential medication, following up with pediatrician and IEP with the school.
4) try not to let things like a clean home, etiquette get in the way, these things I read and I agree are morally agnostic. As long as we are teaching life skills/lessons and habits for them to be good humans. My home can at times despite my best effort be a bit of a jungle as well
I think the biggest problem here is your relationship with your wife... If you want anything to change the first step should be marriage counseling.
Secondly, ADHD is not a "flaw". It sounds like she is trying to do what's best for her son and you don't want to accept that something could be "wrong" with him. I highly advise you to research ADHD, its symptoms, and the different ways it can present (you have a PhD, you should be able to manage scholarly research). Also look into being twice exceptional (ADHD/Autism and gifted) as that presents differently than ADHD by itself. And then conduct an objective evaluation of him for yourself based on what you now know. Commit hours at a time over weeks to watching his behavior after your research and then decide if you think he needs further evaluation or not. Be truly objective, you will have to forget your evident biases and preconceptions of ADHD and what you want to be true about your son, and focus on the facts. If you cannot do this, then I recommend valuing the opinion of a specialist in the field (the doctor) and the woman responsible for him on a daily basis (his mom).
I really want to thank all of you here. Moms, dads, kids. You are a great community that help and encourage each other.
I chat with my wife today and we came up with a plan similar to what has been suggested here:
- start doing all the stuff for ADHD kids that’s healthy for any kid in general: more physical activity, more play, less stress, volunteer at school, etc.
I am new to this forum and have read all your comments on this subject. Being a Grandma, I think I can say, I have some experience🥹 All I want to add is all of you are great parents and not “incompetent.” An incompetent parent is one who doesn’t notice their child, doesn’t pay attention, doesn’t try to figure it out. You all are doing what you need to d to be good parents. You are finding to find the best solutions for your child. So I say, congratulate yourself, know that your child is going to be better off for your trying to figure this out. Hang in there and I am grateful your idea d your devotion to your kids. Here is wishing that every child had such caring parents🥹
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Sometimes you must ignore the behavior (assuming he isn't hurting himself or others), power through, and get the groceries. Maybe this is what your wife is doing when you think she isn't teaching them how to behave. Dealing with kids with and without ADHD can be exhausting and overwhelming at times! 
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