How to help aggression? Whenever my son doesn't get his way immediately, he starts hitting, kicking, pounding on doors/walls, throwing things, breaking the furniture and it seems like there's no way to stop it except to give in. If I don't give in (which I try not to) it goes on for hours and he's angry all day and prone to repeat it over something else. He's 5 now so he can't do much damage yet, but if it continues he will. I've tried literally everything I can think of. When I try to talk to him about it when he's calm he won't take responsibility for the event, he lies or claims it was the "other him" who did the attacking. He hasn't shows any signs of DID or anything like that, I think it's just his justification for when he loses control so he won't get in trouble.
It's come to the point where I've had to get physical to protect myself and others from him. For example, last night he went into a tantrum about something and started attacking me while I was holding his baby sister. I put up my knee to block him and ended up kneeing him in the stomach and it made him fall over and start crying. Of course, I felt awful but honestly part of me was relieved it stopped the attack and protected me and the baby. I grew up in an abusive household and I absolutely do not want our lives to be like this. Any suggestions? He's not on meds yet, we're supposed to figure that out over the summer.
I just can't live like this anymore 😢
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I have been there, still there some times. My daughter is 7 and has been very aggressive since 2 1/2. Physically towards other kids, teachers, me and her brother. Add in that she is physically strong as an ox even though she is light and lean, and it was a toxic combination. We had to involve a child psychiatrist in addition to a bunch of counselors. She was also put on a mild mood stabilizer. Without that small little pill I was finding myself having to almost fight her like I would an adult. I had black eyes, bloody lip, busted nose, scratches and bite marks. I know have a pretty severe case of PTSD from it but as long as she takes her meds she is more even keeled, although she still won’t acknowledge fault on her part at all still.
Hope you get some relief soon, it is not something I wish on anyone.
I'm sorry that you had to go through too, but I'm glad to know I'm not alone. Thank you for replying. My son is strong for his age too, I'm constantly covered in bruises and everything else, it's awful. I'm hoping medication will help, I'm glad it's worked so well for her. Can I ask what mood stabilizer she's on?
sure, she is on Respiradone 0.25mg twice daily. She has grown considerably in the last few months so I will be asking about the next dose up. Then hopefully in the near future she will be getting more emotionally mature, learn more coping strategies, and we can come back down. To take this medicine it requires an every 6 month blood test to make sure there is no effect on the liver. So hopefully we can mature out of it. She is not biologically ours and she has aggression issues in her bio family so it might not be possible, but I am throwing every service/counseling/life coach that I can at the issue to hopefully break the cycle.
Hi! My daughter is 4 and we added Clonidine 0.05mg at night to help with aggression it has been helping some so we are going to try the next dose up at .1mg-
It's important to find out what the root of the aggression is and what your son is getting upset over. For my daughter it's over the littlest things, putting her shoes on the wrong feet, coloring outside of the lines, not being able to get a dress off a doll- Our therapist talked to us about her "perfectionism" and coached me on when she does something right I ask her how it makes her feel and to be proud of herself so she's not always seeking my approval. We are also working on muscle memory by doing games like matching cards and learning patience- Red light green light ect.
To us they are little issues and no big deal, but to our kids they are HUGE issues in their world. Many many children and adults that have ADHD have rejection sensitive dysphoria. Even when we are praising them they can perceive it the wrong way. I read somewhere that kids with ADHD interpret almost 20,000 more negative comments about themselves than those without ADHD. Could he be feeling jealous of the baby? Maybe you could try to dedicate some one on one time with him and doing something physical to help him get some energy and aggression out. I bought my daughter a trampoline.
I think some of it just takes time and the rest of it is medication and therapy.
Thank you for replying. That's interesting about the rejection sensitive dysphoria, I hadn't heard about that before. I think he could be a little jealous, it mainly happens when he wants something and doesn't get it or if he wants attention and I can't provide it. I try to set out time everyday so we can do things together just us, but if I'm not 100% focused on him all the time he gets upset. I just bought a playset for the backyard to help with getting out energy lol
I wasn't even aware of it either! There is so much to learn all the time haha. When you are having your one on one time with him I would tell him that's it's your special time for just you and him- My daughter is an only child so we are doing stuff together constantly but I'm usually folding laundry or half focused on her, but when I tell her "okay I'm going to finish up and then it's going to be mommy and Amelia time" she gets so excited and gets all the toys ready and I put the visual timer on for 20 minutes while I sit with her and give her my undivided attention and I swear it has helped so much. I also try to have her help me do things like pour the detergent in the washing machine for me and I pretend I really need the help- It makes her feel confident like she's doing something lol. I listened to a podcast that mentioned about kids needing 2 cups filled every day- Attention and control and when we don't fill it for them they will find ways to fill it themselves by getting our attention. Even you reacting by telling him no is going to give him that attention that he's trying to get. I listen to a podcast called 'Beautifully complex' every day on my way to work and I've learned a lot of really helpful things.
Just try to remember that when he is acting out he is not giving you a hard time he is having a hard time. I would speak with the pediatrician/ behaviorist in the meantime about trying out a non stimulant medication. ❤️
my oldest daughter was like this. It’s poor impulse control and difficulty regulating emotions. My daughter is 13 and lives in a long term residential school after being deemed too dangerous to be in the home. From all the therapy and behavioral interventions I’ve learned some of it is her other bits was me giving in when she was smaller ultimately you teach the child that if they continue the behavior they will get what they want and it’s skill taught by the struggling parent. I learned that no is no and I can’t change my mind and I have to follow through the behavior will always get worse before it gets better so expect it to get worse before you see the kid adapt. No one likes change and the child has had control in the home so they will fight to give it up.
I’ve learned the best solution is dbt therapy for parents and wrap around therapy for the kids works very well.
This was my son all though kindergarten. We tried positive parenting classes, we tried OT, we tried school counseling, we tried bad parenting just in case haha, but nothing helped much; he was frequently getting sent home from school due to hurting others and frequently getting hurt at home from us protecting ourselves like you describe. My own mood and self-worth was somewhere near the core of the earth.
Starting him on a non-stimulant over the summer after kindergarten has made a HUGE difference in his mood regulation. He's still very impulsive, which can be dangerous at times and annoying at other times, but it is now rarely an emotional reaction. Our lives are SO much better. He even has fun every now and then with the little brother that last year he professed to hate.
Good luck. It's not a fun place to be so I hope you find a way up to the surface soon.
But of course his rages aren’t to be ignored as you do say this can be dangerous and lead to someone being seriously hurt and property broken.
He is 5 so you can have him prescribed safely and medicated.
I’d say it is his brain chemistry that leads to him being so angry and having such violent outbursts. He may not be able to control it. He is only 5 so he won’t comprehend the ‘triggers’ or anything else that you can work on with let’s say ‘teenagers’.
Most children with ADHD have coexisting other neurodevelopemental conditions. Some are just having dyslexia or dyspraxia, some may be on a spectrum.
There is also PANS/PANDAS to look into.
How is he with his peer group? Is he controlling and not liking when other kids don’t do what he says and wants?
I have 2 children and my younger doesn’t have ADHD or anything else going. Years ago I had to move him out of his kindergarten to a different one because there was a boy on a spectrum there who had those ‘controlling traits’ to the point that other small children (they were all about 3 years old but he was a year older as mum kept him on kindergarten for longer - due to his ‘immaturity’ ) were being assaulted, hit, bitten by him if they didn’t comply with what he wanted. I didn’t know about it at first as mum was very friendly. This boy on a spectrum chose my son and the minute my son entered the kindergarten in the morning this kid would grab hold of his hand. I kept telling the nursery teachers that this is not right. And they were like ‘No, that’s lovely they are such friends’. Then I started probing my son and he said very concerning things like ‘I have to play with him because if I don’t he hurts other children.’ He then said ‘If other children try to play with me he hurts them.’ And also ‘He tells me we have to play Lego but I can’t build what I want, I have to build what he tells me.’ And I was like, right, this is really not right, I am moving my son out of this kindergarten. And I did move him.
The mum of this boy on a spectrum was a registered childminder and on one occasion before I knew the extend of how serious this was I invited her with the son on a spectrum and a girl that she was childminding to my house. Boys (her son on a spectrum and my little son) seemed to play nicely but then the girl wanted to join in and the boy on a spectrum slapped her on a face violently. I was shocked because the mum didn’t react much, she was like ‘Aw, don’t do it. Say sorry.’ I reported it locally to our social services because she was a registered childminder and taking money from the girl’s mum to take care of her. The girl was only 3 and no one should be hitting her on a face because she wanted to play…
Why I am writing it. Because even children like this boy on a spectrum can be helped if they are diagnosed, put on medication and if there is consistent plan how to deal with them in kindergarten and at home.
By the way when his little baby sister was born, this boy I am talking about was jealous and trying to hit etc the little sister too.
This boy I am telling you about wasn’t helped. He wasn’t put on any medication and his mum was minimising the severity of his aggressive behaviours. We live in a small town and by word of mouth I know that this boy at school is on 1:1 (he needs a staff member at all times with him so he doesn’t hurt other kids). I wonder had he been helped earlier and medicated maybe this wouldn’t have come to this.
It would be good if you have a diary and write how your son is with kids in the playground. Can he compromise, can he share, can he play without lashing at other kids, do you think he is obsessive about people or things?
I’d say your son is old enough to be assessed by a professional and diagnosed and maybe prescribed if appropriate. I wouldn’t wait all summer if you don’t have to.
I'm sorry to hear that, it was good that you got him out of that school. I hope that little boy can get the help he needs.
My son does well with his peers, he's not violent towards them at all. He does get rough when playing (wrestling, pushing) but it's done because he's trying to play, not that he's being mean or controlling. I attribute that to his hyperactivity and sensory seeking, not aggression. The violence is reserved for caregivers.
He's always so sweet and gentle with his baby sister, he's never even pretended to hit her, he tells her he loves her all the time and always wants to play with her. I only worry about him hurting her accidentally as he's getting violent with one of us. We're starting the evaluation now so hopefully I can get him on something before too long.
That’s the most important that he’s fine with his peers and his sister. This means that you don’t have to worry too much. Just get him ADHD screening, maybe you will get a diagnosis and then you can think what next. I wouldn’t postpone.
I wish we had a diagnosis for my ADHd son much earlier than we eventually did go through.
My ADHD son also used to get angry/aggressive with us parents sometimes when he was younger but this was never the case at nursery or school, just with the main caregivers.
I am explosive as well and sometimes my reactions weren’t great either as I have ADHD too. Although my husband who doesn’t have ADHD, he had also been losing it sometimes in the past.
You know when there are those advice - go to other room and punch a pillow and then come back to your child when you composed yourself. Well… we are only humans and we don’t really go and punch the pillows. I personally had times when I have been shouting and I am not proud of it.
I’d say screening, diagnosis and behavioural strategies plus medication - these are your allies.
From my experience stimulants didn’t work for my son and made my son more aggressive and suffering rebound and a range of terrible side effects. But other parents swear by these! Everyone is different!
Atomoxetine kind of worked as it helped my son focus and lifted his mood but then it also has been causing ‘irritability’ and tummy aches and the major adverse reaction - severe tachycardia so we had to stop this medication after about a year.
What I did noticed- the positive effects of Atomoxetine still carry on even though it has been first significantly reduced in hope to bring pulse down and then a month ago stopped completely.
My son is not on any medication now yet behaviourally he is not back to square one, not back to his baseline before we had a diagnosis and meds introduced. He is much better now than he was years ago before diagnosis. He is still impulsive but it’s manageable, he is a pleasant human being now…
My theory is that whilst on medication he managed to develop behavioural coping strategies, he has had more success in controlling himself and focusing and now he can carry on (you know the same way as people who get antidepressants and then stop taking them but depression doesn’t t come back as long as the person takes care of themselves and does exercise, keeps themselves busy and positively involved socially).
Maybe some new pathways developed in his brain whilst he was on Atomoxetine? I don’t know as I am not a scientist😂But we have a decent family life now, simple ‘immediate reward’ systems work for my son and he does all the basic stuff that we expect from him including academically and extra curricular stuff.
So saying that- yes ADHD medication is not a magic pill but even with our bad experience with the medication I still am an advocate for medicating children with ADHD.
We will restart medication in the summer holiday and see what happens. Maybe we will find something that doesn’t give dangerous adverse reaction, maybe if we gently restart Atomoxetine on a very low dose - maybe it won’t cause dangerous tachycardia. Maybe we will try Intuniv…We will see.
What I’d say- with meds for ADHD for kids. My opinion is that ‘less is more’. Start from a very low doses and if you as a mother think this is good enough then don’t increase even if the doctor tells you that the ‘maintenance dose’ is much higher. Even if the doctor tells you ‘but clinically this low dose shouldn’t have had any therapeutic value’ - you be your own person and if you think that terribly low dose works for your child, then stay there with this low dose.
And don’t blame yourself or your parenting! Your son is very young and it might be a short phase.
Aggression isn't part of ADHD though impulse control is. If he's on any meds some can cause issues like this in some individuals so I'd talk to his doctor. Mine used to come after me in a playful manner, which was an issue because of his size and I'm petite, but he's been better since he was on Vyvanse. I took him down after repeated charges and pushing him back, etc. didnt work. I told him Mama doesn't play after taking him out at the knees in the grass when we were practicing his martial arts and he came at me. He's 9 and almost 5 feet and 90 pounds already.
Aggression can definitely be a symptom of ADHD. Doesn't mean it always is. Without enough space for a pause to consider a situation, the "impulse" when faced with a minor stressor can be to go immediately into fight or flight mode.
My son used to do this too, hit anything close to him, break anything nearby and it went on and on. He's 5 also. Once we got him on adderall that was a game changer. Along with medication, now we work on other ways to calm down when angry, breathing exercises, tearing up paper. I'd get him into an occupational or behavioral therapist as soon as possible. Before meds though, he wouldn't even try. Everything in his room is broken, so he has very little. He has even broken the electrical outlets. I've found the minimalism really helps him to do better. Changing his environment can be helpful. Get rid of clutter as it can be overwhelming to him, even if it doesnt seem like much to you it could be too much for him. We also use a weighted blanket which has really helped him sleep better. A lot of kids with Adhd don't sleep well and we have found this helped. I also have been spraying teals lavendar and melatonin spray in his room at night. That has been great!
Have you looked in to ODDS my son 10 with ADHD. He can hold it together everywhere else but home he seems to brake down. He get mouthy by back talking very disrespectful does not listen no matter what and starts throwing thing and then goes these anger fits saying very hurtful things. It has not always been like this. He is on medication but we have been trying to fine the right dose for him. He of course on top of every has a fast burning metabolism so the medicine wears off fast. I well have people tell me how wonderful he is and I’m think my son… I will say he loves it when he gets attention, especially good attention see kids with ADHD, or ODDS tend to go for the attention. If it’s attention when they’re throwing a fit that’s where they go, but if they get attention for doing good things praise, then they’ll go there. I’ve always been more of a strict parent as far as having a schedule, and if I say no, it’s no but if you say no to my son it’s meltdown mode. What I’ve found to help is a behavioral chart they get to pick the treat my son loves Sonic slushy’s so if he gets 3 or more good days he can earn one I do break up the charts one for morning and afternoon because you want it to be attainable for them and verbal praise when they’re doing something good I found instead of saying no I’ll say something like maybe we shouldn’t do that and then give him an option or some thing he can do it helps him from having a meltdown. I also will tell him when he is acting up I love you and you are a good boy then try to walk away and not said anything else and give attention to the bad action but some times they follow you when that happens I have had to lock my self in my room till he calms down. We have started therapy as well and if you decide to they’ll would teach you some of these tactics. Hang in there mama you got this you’re not alone.
That sounds very similar to my son. Reward charts have worked well for him in the past, but if he wants something his grandmother will just buy it for him without him having to earn it. So we're having to train grandma too lol. So it's a work in progress
I am so sorry you've been going through this. My son (9) only started being really physically aggressive since things got bad about 9 months ago. It's scary no matter how old they are.
I thought that by not fighting back, I was modeling the behavior I wanted to see... but it wasn't getting better & I realized that not fighting back was perpetuating the abuse. I finally used a Juijitsu move I'd watched him learn and pinned him to the ground & held him there. I had to do it a couple times before he acknowledged that I really am stronger than him. Things improved after that but the explosions continued until he started giving him a variety of mineral & vitamin supplements including low-dose lithium (1mg/day), which was a game changer. I'm happy to share more info on our non-medication approach if you're interested but clearly others have seen benefit from the right medication.
Is the lithium being monitored by a doctor? Supplementing with lithium even at normal dosages can lead to severe long-term effects including kidney failure... When they give lithium for medical conditions (like bipolar) they do blood tests every month to ensure their levels aren't too high. Just in case you didn't know. I worry as my friend's boyfriend suffered from lithium poisoning and ended up killing his kidneys. My sister's friend was also on lithium, and it destroyed her thyroid gland to the point she had to get it removed. Vitamin and mineral supplements can have bigger risks than medication.
I'm sorry your friends have had bad experiences with lithium. Lithium is definitely risky in high doses and in certain formulations, neither of which are true in our case. The lithium dosage for bipolar ranges from 600 to more than 1000mg a day - I'm giving my son 1 mg. In addition, the lithium given for bipolar is lithium carbonate whereas the nutritional supplement I give my son in lithium orotate. Low dose lithium has been shown not only to help reduce aggression & depression but it increase gray matter in the brain and prevent dementia. Here's some more information:
My son takes a number of supplements (Omega-3s, Vitamin D, zinc, probiotics & a presciption multivitamin) that are correcting his nutritional imbalances based on blood work showing deficiences in vitamins and minerals. We are working with an integrative pediatrician who is on board with all these things, including the lithium. While I agree that vitamin and mineral supplements don't have much government oversight, there are lots of companies making high quality products if you seek them out.
Okay good! I didn't mean any disrespect, I just wanted to make sure that you were aware; some people aren't informed and assume that just because it's OTC or "natural" that means it's without risk. Thank you for your input. I'm glad you found something that works for you and your family 🙂
No worries! I'm a nutritionist so while I'm not opposed to medication, I am a big proponent of helping the body to heal itself. I also find it reassuring that we have actual data about my son's nutrient levels and can treat him based on that.
I should say, we started supplementing with Omegas, zinc and lithium based on a hair test that we ordered directly from Optimal Health Network. A blood draw was hard even for my 9 year old but taking a hair sample was easy and gave us a lot of information. I used the book Finally Focused as my guide.
Hugs to you. I hope you have an appointment soon with a child psychiatrist. I don’t mean to worry you, but don’t be afraid to call 911 if he is extremely aggressive and is destroying things and could hurt a sibling, etc.
I would wonder about: ODD, DMDD, Autism. No expert here! Just thinking about explosive behavior & things I’ve heard can cause it. Maybe Ross Greene’s book “The Explosive Child” might have some behavior strategies to try until you see the doctor? Big hugs to you. Our son (12 now) had explosive tantrums when younger & it was really hard. He was unable to communicate his frustration in words adequately even though his speech didn’t appear delayed. He was very rigid, we now understand, & struggling with task shifting. He has mild autism & significant ADHD. Also some anxiety. I hope you get answers soon.
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