The title of this post sounds horrible and I feel horrible asking it but here's the basics: I'm very introverted, like quiet, work in silence, etc. My six year old son is quite the opposite as you all probably experience and he Never. Stops. Talking.Add to this that I'm a single working caregiver with a chronic disease which causes excessive pain along with anxiety and depression.
To give myself credit, it do work REALLY hard to stay patient with my son and respect him for his unique self. I've already really worked on myself to find coping strategies for my anxiety.
However, there are days when my anxiety is high and he won't or can't give me even 15 minutes to myself so I can take a deep breath and reset.
Over time I've been trying to explain to him that people are wired different, he has lots of energy and mommy often prefers quiet. And sometimes if I'm not feeling good or I've had a hard day at work that I need him to give me a bit of time by myself. First, this is hard to do without making him feel like he did something wrong. Second, I don't get what I need typically because he'll interrupt my measly 15 minutes at least seven times.
I could always stick a screen in his face but I don't encourage screen time.... It actually doesn't help in the long run. Also, he's hollering at me every few minutes to come see what he's doing so I'm still not getting any quiet time to reset. More importantly than my health this is critical because I'll end up blowing up on my son if I can't get an opportunity to push a reset button. And he doesn't deserve that either.
I'm fact here he comes. I couldn't even have enough of my own time to write this post.
Keep in mind that I have no support system so not like I can send him to visit anyone. That wouldn't really work on a daily basis anyway.
Thanks for any shared experience.
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Suzi_q
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Thanks for your post..Your title sounds reasonable to me. I have felt the same.
I guess the best questions is what tools does he have to slow himself down and stop talking.
The tools that help children with the symptoms of ADHD are: therapy, medications and an educational plan. I have found medication helps the most for our son, like switch, he can control himself and doesn't find the need to talk.
Another question, does he have enough to keep him occupied? If not he will turn to you to help him.
Between needing physical activity and menal stimulation they can stay pretty busy.
I can totally empathize. My son is 11 and I get interrupted during every waking moment including when I am in the bathroom. He just cannot control it. And he is always excited to involve me in whatever he is doing so a) screens don’t help for long and b) I feel awful when I end up being blunt and just losing it. I also have a chronic illness that may be similar to yours. Stress aggravated it so I try to avoid that. All I can say is - maybe rethink your paradigm. If screens buy you even a little peace maybe it’s worth it. We also try to limit screen use but sometimes I just say to my husband - why are we fighting this battle? In the long run our sanity has value too. Also, not sure if you medicate but that helps a lot -them and you. It’s no picnic I’m sure being in their shoes and unable to control their impulsiveness. Good luck, breathe, and consider those unthinkable options whatever they may be. Maybe they are worth trying.
Part of the answer is about you needing to adjust your expectations and your routine. I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but kids make us do things we don’t prefer or that aren’t great for us all the time, like not sleep as late or eat on the fly or not watch shows we want…and listen to them talk nonstop. Both my kids (adhd and not) still sometimes do that and they are 11 and 16, though it’s less constant than when they are 6. If you can’t get it at home with him in the evening, where can you find time in your day for some quiet when your son is not around? Can he stay at school/aftercare 15-30 minutes longer so you can talk a walk or even just sit in your car alone for a bit?
One thing that often helped me was to set a timer and play with each kid, doing what they wanted to, for maybe 30 minutes. Instead of half listening all the time, give him your undivided attention. Validate the heck out of him, actively listen, enter his world and play. I have to remind myself to do that, to show interest in their interests and not just talk about school and homework and chores and such. With my kids, that means asking about their favorite youtube channel or the anime show they are into. THEN, say “ok, we just played for 30 minutes, now it’s quiet time. I’m going to set the timer again and go lie down in my room. You are going to stay in your room, too. Are you going to do legos, color, or read?” Maybe start with just 10-15 minutes and tell him that he needs to stay in his room doing quiet things until the timer goes off, or you will have to start the timer all over. My adhd kid really loved audiobooks, they calmed him right down. He also did iPad and TV at that age, but an audiobook with headphones was the best.
If this is not workable, maybe finding a sitter for an hour each evening would help. I’m thinking like a teenager in the neighborhood who can walk over and play actively with him for an hour each day after work/school, outside if at all possible, while you rest and then get dinner going. Then after dinner maybe you’ll feel more recharged for the rest of the nighttime routine. Heck, even 1/2 hour a day would be better than nothing. If this is cost prohibitive, maybe there’s a neighbor mom you could switch off with every other night—we all need a break! Or someone who could keep your son for an hour after school in exchange for you taking their kid for 5 hours on a Saturday.
Finally, could the two of you learn yoga or meditation or other mindfulness techniques or coping strategies together? If he’s seeing a therapist, he can teach you the tools he is learning. You can teach him the tools you are working on, as well. I agree with the other commenter who asked about what tools he has—medication? Therapy? No amount of just asking nicely is going to work for an adhd kid at his age, but changing the routine and adding tools can help. Good luck!
I wish I had a better response but all I can tell you is what’s worked for me so far. I can relate completely. Keeping him busy and finding other ways/people/things to distract him and occupy him while I’m “left alone” for a bit has been what’s worked best for us. My son is 9 now so I have more options. But for your 6 year old what about getting a membership to a ymca and utilizing the kids club? That’ll give him a chance to let out his energy and you can take a treadmill walk with headphones or take a yoga class to clear your mind. Honestly, thank you for your post. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in those thoughts.
Things that my 6 year old son with ADHD can stay focused on for 10 minutes while I am not in the room:
Legos
Drawing/coloring/crafting
Workbooks
Osmo (tablet app that uses manipulatives so I don't feel so bad lol)
Of course I need to come let him show and tell me all about it, and yes he may need the occasional help, but in general, these are my go-tos when I need him to slow down. I have him do "quiet break time" every day when he gets home from school for about 30 minutes, usually while eating a snack, and he generally does one of those activities for it.
Also, often he chooses the tasks that he CAN do in the same room as me (ie not Legos because those are in his room), because he prefers to have company--but is still able to work quietly at them for a bit.
Find what your son is able to slow down and focus on--it may be different--and then have him practice focusing on it for 5 minutes before telling you all about it, then for 10, then 15 minutes.
And every now and then... Recognize that this day, it may be a hopeless endeavor. 🙃
Good luck!
It must be hard for you and for your little man to have such different temperaments. I’d say he is too young to understand this. For what you described his behaviour isn’t even ‘ADHD’ as such- it’s a behaviour of a sociable little boy who doesn’t have anyone to play with. I am lucky 😉I have 2 sons and they play together and leave me alone. I bought them for Xmas Garmin watches and set them on app for chores and physical activity and this keeps them occupied - don’t know how long this will last.
Do you have any option to put him in holiday clubs whenever it’s holidays and half terms? I do it with my kids- all day football club or multisports club or anything of this sort. We also have in town this company that does tuition for kids- starting from as young as 4-5. It’s all done in fun way on computers and parents can drop a child off for an hour a few times a week- depending on the plan you paid. If you can think of anything like that in your town then maybe this would work? Having an hour without him. We also have ‘coding Ninjas’ and it’s the same- parent can leave a child and pick up later. It’s the same with other clubs- after school tennis etc. I often drop them off and then just sit there on my own in the hall for 45 minutes (exactly like you say- having this time for myself, drinking tea and listening to the music, even if I see local parents I often pretend I didn’t see them so I don’t have to make small talk whilst waiting for my kids to finish their club). In the summer I often go for a jog or a fast walk nearby whilst waiting for them to finish whatever tennis etc. Your son seems very inquisitive and a lovely sociable character- I’d say he’d enjoy any of such sports, coding etc clubs you throw him in. Also I noticed some parents take kids to soft play or trampoline park and they sit on their laptops with headphones whist kids play. My kids are a bit older and they never been fond of trampolines so much so I never bothered with that but maybe it would work. I know those places are very loud and crowded unfortunately and I personally really dislike even sitting there… I’d say there must be some sort of clubs near you- tennis, gymnastics, coding for kids, running club for kids, Scouts association, football, swimming. This will give you time to recharge whilst little man is kept occupied.
Also just a thought- a teenager babysitter. I know normally people get one to go out but why not just get one at the weekend for a couple of hours so you can put your feet up and rest whilst she plays with your kid. I am sure there would be a neighbour teenager you can ask that. It’s funny, my husband and I have never left our kids with a babysitter, not even with grandma over night. We prefer to do it during the organised all inclusive holidays - we get the whole day to ourselves whilst kids are in mini clubs and in the evening we have short time with the kids before bed time. If I want to go out with my girl friends then my husband stays in with the kids and vice versa etc. But I think in your case when you are there on your own without any support network- a teenage babysitter would be a blessing.
Here is a simple idea that worked for us. It took some time, but was worth it :
I simply told our son that he can get unlimited hugs. But that he couldn't simply run into the room and shout interruptions. ("If you need a hug, come get me. If you have a question, please save it for when I'm available and I'll happily answer")
It gave him the positive attention he craved, And weaned him off of the negative attention he would get through interruption.
I use Autism ear muffs when I need to not be disturbed. You can explain that he needs to wait when you have those on. They help me when I need to read and my partner is running all over the house narrating what he's doing!
Along with positive attention, this worked for us and our son : we had a Hatch light in his room at the time and I’d set it daily for 30 min of “quiet time” and let him know we both are going to have quiet time and when it’s over we can play whatever he wants together (BUT he had to stick to quiet time for this to happen). I’d set the hatch to a blue light and the sound of waves which was his favorite at the time. He knew that quiet time meant quiet activities - coloring, reading, lego building, etc. And most days we never got to 30 min lol, but it was enough for that much needed breather. Also explaining the importance of quiet time helped as he wasn’t napping anymore. Hope you find something that works for you both.
Although you say no screen time you could maybe allow him extra to develop skills in a mind game like scrabble or chess. My 6 year old became obsessed with scrabble. He started with the iPad app then when we limited the time allowed on the screen we showed him how to play on the board game with us playing. After he couldn’t get anyone willing to play as much as he wanted to he played himself by only picking up letters when it was that racks turn so he didn’t know all the other sides letters.
We found a club for him to play adults once a week. Then joined him up on a internet scrabble club called ISC. That soaked up all his time.
Other things he liked were puzzle books like code cracker and find a word. And we bought the maths books from the $2 shop and he used to love doing all the “puzzles” ie pages of additions and subtractions for hours. He did them from the age of 4 but I had to teach him how first. It got him ahead of his class at maths.
I don't have any solutions to offer, but I definitely empathize. I don't necessarily need quiet alone time, but I do need enough space to think and get stuff done for myself. Often I feel like I need to push my bedtime an hour or two later even if that means I only get 6 hours of sleep (usual is 7 to 7.5 hours).
I'd love it if paying a local teen or leaving our son with a neighbor for an hour or two was a solution but our son tends towards aggression (diagnosed with ODD/DMDD in addition to ADHD) especially in the mid-afternoon or evening. (Noting he does seem to behave for our nanny, but she's not always available and also expensive.) So we feel like we can't let him out of our sight for long. Even an activity at a rec center we'd have to keep a close watch.
On a good day (or a good time of the day) my wife can help occupy our son, though he tends to misbehave more for her than me. So keeping our son entertained and settled tends to fall to me.
I'll likely be echoing some of what is being said already; hopefully some differences though:
Does your child have friends at school? You could take turns hosting playdates, which would do two things:
1) Give you some time off periodically to recharge,
2) Give your child someone else to go to for attention, and
3) Have another parent to talk to without it needing to be too much of an imposition on your introvert bubble.
Have you talked to their teacher? See what techniques or phrases are effective in the school, and try to mirror them at home.
ADHD kids also need routine (even when actively resisting it), so having an established routine might allow you to insert some quiet time in a way that works for them, since they know that you will be available soon. Maybe have a visual timer (like an hourglass) for this purpose.
Try to have multiple short spans of quiet time rather than one long one if you can manage it.
Don't worry too much about screen time. Research shows that kids gravitate to the screen because they have ADHD, and that they don't have worse ADHD based on their screentime. Instead set limits on what they play/watch. One episode of their favorite show followed by something educational of your choice, for example. If they find it boring, they'll hopefully find something to entertain themselves.
Also know that being able to play independently and figure out what to do is a skill. They will learn to do it, so hopefully you won't have to cope with the intense need for attention much longer.
My son resisted learning to read, but now that he can, he can very much hyperfocus on a book.
Also see if your child can get interested in scratch (a programming system created by MIT specifically for young folks). It may be something they're capable of at 6yo, even if it's just as a toy at this stage.
They may also be more able to be quiet when sharing a space with you. Some of the times he's talking to you may just be his way of making sure you share a connection, which might be satisfied at least partially by your physical presence. If you're able, even having him sit on your lap or sitting next to you and describing what you're doing might help.
Most importantly, regularly remind yourself that he's not doing this intentionally; that his need for attention and connection are high at his age. Maybe take a moment in the evening to watch him sleep, too... I find that to be somewhat calming for me, especially if it's been a rough day with my son.
In the beginning, through trial and error we learned that getting him to read two words in a row just wasn't going to happen, so we would prompt him to read about one easy word per page when we read to him, gradually increasing the frequency and difficulty, and trying to build confidence in what we knew he was capable of.
Then for independent reading it was comics, mixed media, and familiar favorites. Oh, and patience
With my son, the first thing he got invested in reading independently wasn't any of the easy starter books; it was captain underpants, then Jeronimo Stilton and the Kingdoms of Fantasy, the InvestiGators, the Bad Guys and so on. His dad also has a large collection of interesting board games, and he was willing to read the occasional word if it means being able to play. Now I'm encouraging him to read the rules to games (or at least the setup)
We also had a small but meaningful reward for reading in the beginning.
With ADHD, I can speak from my own experiences as a child that reading anything I wasn't excited about and invested in was kind o torture for me. I would have much rather read a book I was interested in that was at a higher level than my ability than read a book I wasn't interested in that was painfully easy.
This goes for a lot of things. It's an executive function thing. We need immediate returns and a high level of investment because our brains are poorly equipped to make use of delayed gratification.
I wish they would rename ADHD to "Executive function deficit disorder" because that's what it really is. Attention is a facet of it, but reducing it to attention is like having a burning house and calling it a heating issue.
Maybe spend some time at the library with him when and if you can, and see what he gravitates to. Don't be too concerned about the difficulty, especially since you'll be able to steer him to similar material that's a bit easier if he gets frustrated with it.
The advantage of comics and such is that even if he's just looking at the pictures, there is still incentive to read the words, and there's a lot of context to work with.
Writing is still a bit of a struggle with him, but with that we have a minute of Minecraft as a reward for every two words he writes, and we frequently remind him of the advantages that can come with writing, like taking notes of things he wants to remember, making up his own games, writing notes to his friends, and being able to play a wider range of games.
Your son will be different, but hopefully some of the tricks I've shared will be helpful! My son went from lagging in his reading to being the best reader of his class in a very short span of time once he realized what he was capable of.
Ok, my expectations are too high and incentives are too low. Thank you for taking the time to explain in your reply, this is very helpful! I agree that EFDD would be a more accurate description.
Try a chart or a game of hid ajd seek then count then allow yourself time to pretend to hunt while he is very silent naybe it help give u a moment but still able to keep him back
Hi I have basically the same ideas as everyone else but I stumbled on this quick fix verse that unbelievably does work for my little 9yr .. we have had of course previously talked about having a full tummy, talked about how we have eaten way too much and our tummies are so full, almost ready to burst and cannot eat anything else 🤗💜.When I feel overwhelmed by her CONSTANT CHATTER🙄😜.
I say this to her
Oh sweetheart I love you so much ❤️ but right now my brain is SO FULL MY EARS and MY EYES are FULL.too!😳😲😳.
(Over dramatizing and facial expressions may help but in a nice, and kind, funny way 😜,)
I simply cannot put anything else in there could I please just have 5mins to get myself together and then we can have a chat.
You make it like they are the best kid ever and can give you something you want coz they are so good at it and no one else does it like they can. Make them feel good about giving you the space you need
But don't forget to thank them and praise them for being so thoughtful.
You may even get the reward of them offering space time to you 😜.
It may sound like a crazy idea but I honestly found it so rewarding asking them to help me I made out that I couldn't do things and needed their help because I trust her and I know she would know how to fix what ever was going on.
This in turn made her feel so good about herself knowing that she can actually do something that will make me feel so good. And it also showed her that I trusted her too. Remember it's hard when you have so many enhightened emotions but if you try and teach them with the right tools they will florish and you can get your alone time. It's also about the right attitude when asking for what you want, if it's done in a frustrating way they are going to stick like glue coz kids don't think like an adult they will see the frustration and think they need to stay close, but if you do it in a calm and positive way they too are going to be more relaxed and not feel like something is going on.
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