Our son started school this past August, and it became clear early on that he was extremely disruptive and had trouble with expressing himself and respecting boundaries.
We‘ve been in numerous conferences with his teacher, and are in the middle of the diagnostic process for ADHD after a series of talks with social workers and therapists.
In our most recent meeting with his teacher this week we were told that after the Easter weekend our son wouldn’t be allowed to return to school, because they don’t „have the capacity“ for „kids like him.“ The school didn’t make any efforts to address our son‘s needs or accommodate him, and they didn’t even wait for the results of the diagnosis. He attended the school for not even 5 months before they made their decision.
We’re scrambling to find our son a new school in just 8 weeks, which is extremely difficult where we live. Our son doesn’t know yet, and we have no idea how to tell him. He loves it at school and has made lots of friends, and it will crush him to have to leave.
We are at a total loss of home to articulate this to minimize his pain, and to let him know it was the school that failed him, and he didn’t do anything wrong. How can we tell him, „You’re not allowed to go back to school“? What do we say when he asks „why“?
We‘d be grateful for any tips and/or wisdom!
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AhabtheDad
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Welcome to the group. We are glad you joined us. This sounds like a horrible experience for you and your child ( and entire family). No parent would want this for their child. Wouldn't it be wonderful if he could go to a school that helped him both with academics and to learn how best to deal with the issues he is struggling with.
Just curious, has the special education department been involved in these conferences?
Forgive me if my questions sounds crazy, but all school districts manage educational plans differently ( IEP-Individual Educational Plan or 504 plans) . It would be great if you could get a plan write asap so that when he moves on to his new school this "road map" could help the next school/teachers.
As far as what I would tell my son if I were in your shoes, I would explain that there is a different school that he needs to attend. From my personal experience, our son who is 16 years old can opening talk about how bad previous schools were, but doesn't yet accept responsibility for his actions. This skill takes lots of maturity and we are not there yet.
It might also be helpful to support your son with tools to help him: therapy, medication and an educational plan. You may need official diagnosis to get access certain services.
I know this all must be very stressful and I hope these suggestions have helped.
Know we are always here for you and wish you happier times ahead.
Again, welcome thanks for joining us on this journey.
Was it a private school? Because otherwise, you should definitely demand assessment through the special education department first, and perhaps also by a behaviorist.
Barring that, I would personally just tell my son that we have found a new school for him and we think it will be even better than his current one so we're going to take the opportunity to start going there instead. Sympathize with him if he expresses sadness about leaving his friends. I wouldn't place any blame or negativity into the transition. Don't make promises like "we're just trying it" because then he may hold out hope that if he shows you he hates it he can switch back. Sound excited about the opportunity for him while acknowledging and accepting any misgivings he may have.
I was very afraid my son would be kicked out last year so I had plenty of time to think this through. 😑 I'm so sorry and good luck to you.
I totally understand where you are coming from. We are in a bit similar situation but we have to move my son because of bullying. I had a chat with educational psychologist and he advised not to tell our son that he is being moved because of bullying because this will show him a pattern of ‘running away from a situation’ and also it will be a proof for him that ‘he is a problem’.
Is there any chance you can do a white lie to your son, telling him that the other school (once you know it accepts him) offers better sports facilities etc. I think you need to be able to tell him why you think the other school will be better, let’s say smaller class size, maybe some after school clubs that he’d find interesting and just presenting it as overall better. However I’d say you need to know also that the school is better in catering for the need of kids with ADHD. I would say the clue would be what disabilities policy they have and what they tell you about their behavioural interventions and Special Educational Needs provision, because for sure every school has kids with ADHD or with ASD or anxiety etc and other disorders. Generally I noticed if the school is overall good with catering for all those kids then it will be good for a child with ADHD.
For us it’s a bit easier because traditionally in year 5 parents start taking children for Open Days to secondary schools which start in year 7, so all of the peers go to see schools and talk about it so my son is not the only one .We are trying to move him to a school which has both primary and secondary school so he can move there soon and then continue throughout secondary. I also told my son that maybe if we are lucky we will find him a school that will allow him to join or at least train with the football team (his current school doesn’t even allow him to train with the football team). It’s just I need to be careful and not promise, so I tell him that it might happen or it might not happen.
Getting “counseled out” of a school is hard; we’ve been there! It may not seem that way now but when one door closes another better one may open. Once he settles into a new school that properly meets his needs you may be able to heal more quickly from this.
The best way we handled breaking the news, with help from a therapist, was to say we are looking at schools that better fit him. Point out a few struggles from this school (class size too big, lunch or recess too crowded and loud) and you’re looking at a better fit (for example a smaller school, has more art/sports/free play time etc).
Set up after school or weekend play dates with the friends he really likes. Accommodate those families to make play dates work at least until he settles into the new school and makes new friends.
If he stays home with you until a new school is lined up you can make it a fun time. Focus on telling him how lucky you feel to spend so much time with him and get to go to parks or visit family during the weekday. Definitely put on a brave face in front of him and maybe meet with a therapist yourself to let out the grief and disappointment.
I agree with the earlier posts about getting his testing and diagnosis completed is a must.
Prayers for you and your family you find a better matched school!
I’m very sorry your family is going through this! It’s heartbreaking really… I think you have some good suggestions above with how to explain the need for a change. I would just like to suggest having some play dates set between this transition. He’s young enough that the excitement of multiple play dates with his favorite friends might shadow or at least soften the situation. Let him know his friends will still be his buddies and they’re excited to hang out with him.
As others have said, focus on the reason why the new school will be better for him. For us it was - it's a local school and you can make more friends in the neighborhood (which he was lacking) and this school will be able to help you more. And yes, let him know he can still have play dates with his friends and stay in touch with them.
That is horrible to hear. I was asked myself to find another school for my son as well when he was in the 1st grade. It was a charter school (not public, but anyone could join) and they didn't have the capacities for him as well. We found a school especially for ADHD, autistic and Asburger's syndrome kids and what a life changer. They immediately put him on an IEP (which the other school didn't) and got him counseling in the school to help. I'm not sure if your child is in the public school system or a charter school. I would try finding a school that specializes in ADHD if its not to far away for you. Once you do find a new school, I would just tell your son that this new school will be better suited for him. We also had our son in behavioral therapy and that helped a lot. My son also had issues with regulating his emotions and not properly responding to uncomfortable situations. When he was angry, upset or hurt he'd throw temper tantrums and scream bloody murder. That was the only way he knew how to express himself. Things will eventually get better. My son is now 14 in regular public schools and in advanced everything.
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