12 year old and navigating friendships

[Numberate]

Hi, any advice on how I can help my son navigate and maintain friendships? It’s tough for him because is not socially aware and has trouble picking up on social cues. He can be quite persistent when it comes to subjects that he’s interested in to the point where it’s all he’ll want to talk about. Even if the subject is changed, he’ll go back. If he’s not interested in what’s being talked about, he will not reply at all or his answers will be very short, he’ll show no interest and he’ll again go back to what he’s interested in. I’ve been telling him that eventually it will be up to him to maintain his friendships because at 18, I won’t be able to call up his friends moms to plan a date. That will be his responsibility. He seems to get it when I’m giving him advice but in the moment of it happening, he doesn’t remember. Any advice?

[Aspen797]

As our kids mature I think their desire to please and be accepted by a peer group grows. That leads to heightened motivation to practice what you are teaching. Sometimes without that maturity/strong internal motivation, our finagling and prodding just kind of fizzles! Speech pathologists with good training in pragmatic language often have good ideas for helping kids develop these skills (friendship files, conversation catch, etc.) A book that explains the importance of and how to find shared topics of conversations, with activities to try, is The Green Zone Conversation Book. The author has a great website.

[Shamasamdrew]

Kids like ours cannot take the perspective of others. It is beyond reading social cues, they cannot at all see anyone else’s perspective, but their own. It is so hard to watch.

I would use ADHD Dude for resources to help your son. He has YouTube videos just for kids that can help with social skills. He has a website as well and videos for parents too. Speech pathologists and counselors can help if they have a strong background in social skill training.

Wishing you well. We have been through it too. My son is almost 17 and he really has started to develop friendships in the last 2 years.

[WYMom]

Ive bein actively teaching my 12 year old son social skills. Usually by asking him if he thinks im interested and reminding him that he should ask someone if they want to talk about a subject. I cant say its worked but its what ive got. aDHD Dude gave me the tips

[marinecyan]

My son (9) has been working with a speech pathologist who focuses on "social language" for a couple years. I think it really helps him to be more socially aware, to form a group plan and to be more flexible. I agree that as they grow, their desire for strong friendships increases. I hope you're able to find some local resources in addition to the online ones!

[Numberate]

Thank you all so much! I was on the fence about the ADHD dude membership but after this post and a previous post with positive responses, it sounds like it is worth it.

[BTV65]

My son is 19 now and I honestly don't think we succeeded in trying to teach him the social skills he needed to build friendships. We tried, however in hindsight I think I focused a lot on avoiding negatives rather than reinforcing positives. What to avoid doing so that you don't upset or alienate others.

In the end, he had to find his own path. Finding your own tribe. People you are comfortable with and share common interests. For my son, he eventually developed an interest in a card game called Magic The Gathering (MTG). He started going to a shop where he could play with others and developed friendships with those kids. They connected online as well and continued to play and develop as he got older.

Based on that experience, I think one path would be to find any sort of group or activity that focuses on something he already has an interest in, or offer him similar activities that he might be able to grow into for interest.

Don't get me wrong. I think teaching them skills so they can try to talk to and get along with anyone they meet or are stuck in a classroom with are vital. However, having friends where he can just be himself and talk for hours about what he loves will nourish his soul and allow him to feel accepted for who he is, rather than feeling forced to conform to the needs of others.

That's just my two cents though.

[Numberate in reply to BTV65]

Thank you so much for the reply. I completely agree. My son is a gamer. It’s something that I have to limit because it brings out a side to him that can get ugly. He also gets very fixated which is why I get the idea of finding peers who he can just talk freely with about what he loves. It’s hard for him to find interest in anything else. When he does, it’s very short lived and he reverts back to gaming. I make him do sports at school for the social aspects of it and he seems to like basketball so we might explore that further with a league or camp. He has a cousin who actually is very similar to him and when he got into college, he was able to find himself a good group of friends. That is my hope!! Like your son who is 19 now. That is why I try not to have too much control over it but the mom in me can’t help it. He is also very similar to his dad who has adhd. His dad will sometimes makes comments about how he himself has never had any really close friends and still doesn’t. But it’s because he never puts in the work to sustain friendships. No planning, no picking up the phone to call, often flakes or makes excuses not to go out because he’s gotten too comfortable at home. Thankfully he does have a handful of friends who do still reach out to him to check in every now and then despite not hearing from him. It makes him sad sometimes and he knows it’s his fault but he also doesn’t want to put in the work. It’s my fear that my son will be the same and I don’t want him to experience that same type of loneliness. Again, thank you for your reply!

[BTV65 in reply to Numberate]

Your husband and I sound a lot alike. I thrived in life by just having a few friends. However I grew apart from them and never replaced them, so I ended up without having any I am in close contact with by this point in my life. I have tried multiple times to re-establish some of those long lost ones, but my friends are just as bad as me about reaching out or maintaining contact. They always seem happy to hear from me and talk when I reach out, but years can go by without them ever trying to contact me. It can be a struggle with my own social anxieties to reach out to them. Even now, I've been thinking of trying to contact the one that lives closest to me but I literally get butterflies in my stomach thinking about it.

[Numberate in reply to BTV65]

I can only imagine how hard it must be to have that anxiety. I feel for my husband because he gets the same exact way when it comes to communicating. It’s as if he’s standing on a stage by himself. My husband is also a recovering addict and sober for 3 years. So he doesn’t have that “liquid courage” to rely on. I am so proud of him for that though! I often have to push him out the door to hang out with his friends for birthdays and celebrations. His friends are always so happy to see him and him as well. I am sure your friends will feel exactly the same once you reach out! It sounds like you have a group of friends where you can go months or even years without seeing other but when you do, you pick up right where you left off.