10 year old destroying things

[Treadingwater13]

I feel like I’ve been making progress with my 10 year old and have created a reward stystem, got his a diagnosis, looking into meds etc. it’s seemed to have been heading in the right direction but tonight he had an almighty meltdown about the place I offered to take them on holiday to. He smashed the computer in my car. He ripped out the visor. When we got in He pulled my curtain pole off the wall and ripped the curtains. He threw his chest of drawers over. He threw the caddy in the bathroom over and poured mouthwash all over it. He smashed his iPad. He punched me repeatedly. His sisters were terrified and ran to the neighbours.

While I appreciate that he is going through a lot, he caused over £1000 of damage this evening due to me trying to explain that he would enjoy the holiday. I am a single mother and currently unable to work due to never knowing when these outbursts are going to occur. Every bit of advice I read says about specking gently, talking etc but how do you enforce consequences for this type of behaviour? Am I unreasonable to suggest him selling his xbox to try and pay me back? What should the sanctions be? I can’t afford to replace anything he has broken and he’s slowing trashing my house. I usually have endless sympathy for him but if he acts like this in the real world he will end up in prison.

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Many thanks for reading

[Onthemove1971]

Welcome to the group!! We are glad you have found this space. We are always here for you..It is horrible what your son has done...

As far as what punishment you give him that is a personal decision..

When my son was his age he could have done the same thing.

Here are a few things I have learned while on this journey. At that age when our son punched a hole in the wall, there was no controlling him. That does not mean he is not and will not be remorseful for his actions in the future.

But did he truly understand what he was doing and did he have the tools to "put on the breaks" no he did not. Does he now? Yes.

All behavior is their way of communicationing to us that they do not have the skills to stop themselves due to the impulse control, which they lack.

Could you ask yourself, have you given him the tools necessary to help him control his behavior?

Most children with ADHD need: therapy, medication and an educational plan and a modified parenting style and a lot of exercise.

Each of these take time to set up they do not happen over night. Yes it is exhusing to do all of that.

I know this sound minimal, but maybe his punishment is you don't replace the IPad. He will realize next time he doesn't have it.. he really messed up. What about asking him what he will do to fix this? When he is in a better space and cooled off.

When they are involved in deciding things it helps a lot.

This is a long journey and we are happy you are with us so we can learn how best to help our children.

Hope this helps a little and I am sure other can provide some insight to their struggles.

Big hug for having to struggle through this.

When times are better try to read through the old message they may help.

Best to you.

[Treadingwater13 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thanks so much for your message it is very good to talk to someone who understands. His iPad is cracked but not totally broken but I cannot afford to fix the screen anyway. We did discuss together and he has no Xbox for a week. we are on the start or our journey together and I’m hoping to start medication soon and therapy next week. Many thanks again.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Treadingwater13]

You are more than welcome.

Sometimes we do not see the "internal remorse" our kids carry.

I try to prevent things with our son that will send him into a rage. Sometimes things can't be prevented, but I am careful. For example, our son would always cry, get upset and out of hand when I was in Target ( nothing against Target) so I did not bring him into that store when he was young.

We glad you have joined us..

[Treadingwater13 in reply to Onthemove1971]

Yes, I know what you mean. I try and avoid triggers too but this one yesterday blindsided me. Turns out he’s been trying really hard at school to be good (and not quite managing) and holding in a lot so it all came out in the car. He channels all his remorse into self hatred when he’s calmed down. Poor darling it’s so exhausting. Thanks again for the support x

[LL_Mom]

I’m so sorry and unfortunately know the terror of this situation. My 13 year old did similar kind of damage to my home when I confiscated his electronics and removed them from our home due due to his habit of breaking all rules and stealing credit card numbers to make online purchases.

My son’s behavior turned violent to a point that I had to call for a mental health response team that is escorted by the police. When I called 911, I explained the situation involved my 13 year old boy. Son was taken in an ambulance to the pediatric psychiatric hospital ward where we stayed together overnight while he waited to be seen by a psychiatrist.

My son’s dose of SSRI, prescribed for anxiety, was raised from 50mg daily to 200mg daily between mid August to early September. The drug label clearly states that changes in medication dose can activate mania, cause mood changes and angry/violent reactions. When my sons dose was lower down to 150—then 125mg daily—he was more like himself about 4 days after the dose was dropped. Before the dose was lowered and days before the blowup, he told me he felt like the meds were making him angrier. My son has not had another melt down despite being disciplined for a variety of rebellious teen behaviors. He’s lost phone privileges and computer privileges for lying, speaking disrespectfully to a teacher or his dad.—-but we have seen him get mad without violent outbursts since adjusting the medication down. He now has a social worker, a dedicated psychiatrist and the counselor all at once because of our having to call police (three nights in a row) before the reduction in medication helped stabilize him.

I’m so sorry—terrifying is the same word I used to describe what happened in our home just about a month ago. I hope your family can get help and support.

[LL_Mom]

I agree he should understand the gravity of his behavior and be made to pay you back. I would suggest you contact a therapist. We opted not to sell his electronics but they are still confiscated—cell phone and PS5 are under our control, physically. On good behavior—-contribute to chores, do homework and follow rules at home and school, he can get access to the phone 30 minutes a day to keep up with friends. He must also do well during the week to play video games for 2 hours on Saturday and 2 hours on Sunday. Without small rewatds some kids get worse—why try if there are no incentives. Our therapist advised us to give him a chance to start anew, with restrictions. It’s not perfect but with consistency he’s falling in line with our house rules. We even put our agreements in writing so there is no power struggle if he (or I) don’t remember all the details of a compromise we have discussed—like consequences for him not following through on rules or respecting boundaries. He also knows if he breaks rules at school he will be accountable at home as well. It’s working and I hope he keeps doing well. We don’t expect perfection—we expect him to deal with consequences if he messes up—-and we don’t sweat the small stuff—-we just talk about it. He must show respect for house and school rules and treat others with respect. If he disagrees or gets upset he has that right but must be accountable for his responses. We discuss self-regulation a lot. He is in therapy to help learn lagging skills. Christmas will be different this year too—-we are not buying expensive gifts—maybe he’ll get ukulele lessons since he picked up his instrument after we cut out video game usage during the work/school week. This higher level of structure at home and school has been good. I wish we became more consistent in helping him learn self regulation and less dependency on electronics before hitting 13. They truly change and some kids become more defiant at that age—hormones kick in, our kid just turned 13 in August and he’s responding to tough love with lots of affirming when his behaviors are on track. He’s improving and more willing to do better. I think our job would be harder if he were older.

[LL_Mom]

To pay us back, he does chores but no longer receives allowance.