ADHD Tween (12 years old) and out of control since puberty

[micarlso]

Does anyone else struggle with their daughters ADHD and hormones? My daughter is 12 years old and acts like an absolute lunatic. She acts possessed at times. She is mean, hyper, swears all the time and rarely listens. She is very defiant but only at home. We have not been able to find a medication that keeps her at an even keel since starting her period in May 2021. She also is very gross and has disgusting habits. She’s spits on the floor and eats with her hands. I am a mother to two other girls 8 and 7 and they feed off of her behavior. My house is literal chaos and I hate being home. I also am a single mom and work 40+ hours as an RN. I am mentally fried. I feel beat down. I do not enjoy my kids. I feel like my relationship with my 12 year (one with ADHD) is very strained and I most of the time dislike being around her. HELP!

[Kkoelle]

my 9 year old son is the same way…he slobbers like a dog when having a meltdown and plays with his spit. He also eats with his hands. When he gets angry he throws everything around the house. His outbursts are always worse after his medicine wears off. He takes Focalin during the day. His psych just added Guanfacine for after school. Today I forgot to give him his Guanfacine until 5:30 pm, so I couldn’t stop the spit fest and meltdown. Oh he also throws himself on the floor and tells me I am the worst mother ever. I often find reasons to stay at work late and drive extra slow on the way home. I feel your pain. I find myself staying up super late because it is quiet in my house then…but also because I don’t want a new day to start with the same ole chaos.

[MadamGeneva]

I noticed you said that your daughter is ‘defiant, but only at home’. Does this mean she is well/behaved outside of the home, in school, for example?

A lot of people with ADHD tend to have lots of empathy and although we cannot always regulate our emotions, and we experience rejection dysphoria, which can lead to strong negative thoughts about people. We tend to not be ‘mean’, as you describe. That trait might be unrelated, or perhaps how she appears due to her behavior.

Sometimes we can feel like we are driven by a motor and not in control, it’s she able to talk n be open up to anyone? Does she have friends?

I was a ‘naughty’ tween/teen, but more breaking the rules, like skipping school, talking in class, or sneaking out when I wasn’t supposed to. So I can’t give you much insight there.

Has she always eaten with her hands and spat on the floor? Or is this new?

Having children must be so tough, especially when they aren’t pleasant around you, I hope that as she matures that changes for you and your family. I know that I became much more tolerable as I grew up.

[micarlso in reply to MadamGeneva]

Yes, she has friends. She is disruptive and makes noises in class (school) , but not defiant at school. The spitting on the floor is somewhat new as in the last few months. She has always had poor eating manners. As far as the “mean” goes she is snotty like she’s annoyed. She says very mean things and swears. She acts like she is the adult. She is not always like that but more often than not she is. She also has a very sweet, kind heart but it’s few and far in between when you see that side. When she was younger we saw it more often. She does not like to talk about it so that is difficult. She is struggling to pay attention in class, she thinks she’s turns in assignments and doesn’t. She is very smart but her grades do not reflect that.

[Okaythanks]

My suggestion is to try Prozac (fluoxetine). While I don’t have ADHD, my hormones can make me feel completely out of control like I’m an entirely different person. PMS is unbearable. I have been on Prozac for years and it makes a world of difference. It might be worth talking to her doctor about it.

[Smfdaisy in reply to Okaythanks]

Seconding Prozac. It’s helped my daughter a lot. She really struggled when puberty hit, too. Lots of anger and meltdowns. We tried Zoloft first, which was not a good fit. When she started to take Prozac everything improved a lot. She also takes Guanfacine.

[Harnessinghope in reply to Smfdaisy]

Third Prozac!

[Saguaro22]

read your post. i hear you 100%. I have had a very tough time with our 6 year old. Same thoughts as you're having - not happy at home, not wanting to be around them...and when i thought it would never get better, he matured a little and things got WAY better. We have him in therapy and are going to start OT soon, which will also improve things. I just wanted to reach out to you because I feel for you. I've been there...and still am. But don't lose sight that things can and will evolve and hopefully into a better space for your daughter and you. Reach out anytime if you just want to vent. I'm here - along with this whole community.

[Momtrying]

puberty can be pretty crazy with girls, even if they don’t have adhd. My daughters mood swings are insane and she’s not the one with adhd in our family. Do you guys see a psychiatrist? They might have some suggestions for changing up meds because her hormones are different now. I don’t have much advice, I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know that people are listening and it sounds like you are trying. Don’t feel bad that you don’t enjoy your kids right now. I think everybody goes through that at times. It is so hard to be a parent! I have felt bad lately because I am feeling like I don’t enjoy being a mom right now and I am not having fun with my kids, I’m just frustrated a lot. But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with me, it’s just a hard time right now.

I will try and get suggestions from your daughters doctor. Good luck!

[MeadowLane5]

Hi! Definitely feel you pain. I too have a 12 year old daughter who has difficulties with emotional regulation. Days leading up to her period can be unbearable and she is much more sensitive to others reactions. I also must monitor her phone more around this time as she tends to really lose it. This past cycle was really the worst. Similarly, she doesn’t have the best table manners- were working on that one. Last time I spoke to her psychiatrist she mentioned that we might need to have her on birth control to deal with her hormonal imbalance. I’m not comfortable with this option and still hoping to find some relief. She is currently on Zoloft and clonidine.

[kj419]

First, I'm so sorry you are deaing with this. We have a 12yo girl as well and she is just starting to push boundaries and I think that is exhausing. I agree on trying therapy or working with one who can work with her meds more. We've started weekly therapy in the last 6 months just to work on preparing ahead for the coming hormones and conflicts. I highly, highly recommend individual and family therapy.

I also HIGHLY recommend the book Untangled - Guiding teenage girls through the 7 transitions into adulthood. I listen to the audiobook when I go for walks.

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[mandal77]

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[mandal77]

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[Copomom]

sorry to heard that, my 16 year old daugther is in a emotional roller coster, strugling with adhd- odd, hormones and a new live; will try medicines again hopefully it will help her to regulate her emotions.