Out of ideas of how to help my 19 yr old daughter

[oopsmom]

Good morning. My 19 yr old daughter barely scraped by to graduate HS; was only able to bc of the counselor and i working constantly. My daughter decided to stay at home and attend the community college for 1st year, but almost immediately started dropping classes. She would not go to professors or the ADHD assist office. She has stopped taking her meds. She has a twin who is excelling at school 3 hrs away. I have developed serious medical issues, and am havng a hard time; she has become very belligerant and hard to live with. I am so worried for her- I know her self esteem is trashed, she has gained weight, is depressed, anxious, but will not take my help.

Suggestions?? Thanks so much... I am so scared, worried, lost

[Hidden]

I know it’s frustrating but until this becomes a problem SHE wants to solve, you are not going to have much luck changing her. What makes it a problem for her is when she sees that living the way she’s living is not working for her. Basically she has to see that the consequences of her choices are not worth it and that she will need to do differently to get different results. That comes from within her, not as a result of your pushing, reminding, etc.

This may take awhile though because due to the ADHD, she is at least 3-4 years behind in terms of development–so she is basically a 15 or 16 year old in an adult body. BUT that doesn’t mean you have to let her just do whatever in the meantime. It’s totally appropriate for you to start nudging her toward self sufficient living. And to set some ground rules for her being able to live at home as an adult.

For example, you could say that in order for her to live there she either needs to be in school full time or working full time and taking her medication and seeing a counselor, etc. It will be her choice whether she does those things, but she needs to feel consequences if she doesn’t (But you will need to be prepared to follow through and ask her to move out if she doesn’t comply). You could also not provide anything other than a roof over her head and basic food unless/until she is in school or working full time and/or paying a token amount of “rent”. (But again, you need to be prepared to follow through). She needs to experience the consequences of her decisions–that will be the most powerful motivation for her to change. And will help prepare her for adulthood on her own.

Hope this helps,

Joyce Mabe, Parenting Coach, website parentcoachjoyce.com

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Hi,

This sentence caught my attention: "This may take awhile though because due to the ADHD, she is at least 3-4 years behind in terms of development–so she is basically a 15 or 16 year old in an adult body." Where are you getting this information?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

There are many studies that have been done on the brain development of people with ADHD versus those without. (Just google "delay on brain development ADHD" and you'll find them). As you will see if you look into it: Some estimate there's a 2-3 year delay in brain development and others say that kids with ADHD will not match the emotional maturity of a 21-year-old until their late 30’s due to the fact that brain’s frontal lobes, which are involved in ADHD, continue to mature until age 35. Regardless of which number you go with, one thing is clear: the brains of kids with ADHD are not as developed as kids their same age without ADHD.

[seller]

I am assuming she is living with you? Unfortunately, you will not be able to force her to attend college, or really anything at this point. But you can come up with a few things that she has to do if she's not in school: find a job, even if it's part-time, clean up after herself at home, and pay something towards her expenses. You are not to give her money, put gas in her car, buy her personal items, etc. This usually motivates kids to find some sort of job. If you think she's seriously depressed, then she needs to see a physician, and if you think she's depressed enough to be hospitalized, then you need to take action. But otherwise, she is the one in control of her life, however bad it may be right now. She is probably not ready for college right now, but could certainly work somewhere. Avoid the urge to intervene or advise.

[123K]

Pray! You have to take care of you, so you can be around. She may have some bumps a bruises along the way, but she will have to learn.You have to have confident enough to know you raised her right, to make the right choice. But overall she is grown now and the best thing you can do for her is to pray for her.

[anirush]

Went through this years ago with the daughter whose kids I help take care of. She would enroll and drop classes so many times she was put on probation. She got in with a bad crowd for awhile. She did not live with us at that time.

Mid twenties she decided to go back to school. She always went on grants or school loans. Do not sign for a school loan! At age 34 she is finishing up her masters.