Few friends

[Cmartucc]

How do I help my 16 year old daughter find and keeps friends? She struggles with RSD and is highly emotional. She is kind but doesn’t want to seem needy. Friends break plans with her often and it’s upsetting to watch her be lonely most of the time.

[Hidden]

Thank you for sharing this about your daughter’s Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I am not sure I can give any advice at all as I have a son who’s half her age and only now reading your post I have ‘googled’ this disorder. Now I learnt about this disorder form you I can see so much if this in my son… Every time I open this forum I learn something new about ADHD thanks to brave parents sharing their children’s problems and seeking solutions.

I always say that for any of the ‘friendships’ problems activities and filling time with after school clubs helps. So if your daughter would be willing to do that, then she might even find alternative friends in the clubs she joins. Once she is on a busy schedule, the dynamics might change and she will be the one cancelling and changing plans as she will be busy doing her activities. Then the ‘friends’ realise that she is not so ‘needy’ and she has her own life. It’s easier said than done though! I know.

All I’d say is that if you have resources and if she would be willing then she’d definitely get support is some sort of group therapy or even individuals therapy sessions if finding peer group therapy would be too tricky. Also depending how many medications she is already on, often doing the double whammy - let’s say anti anxiety medication (or antidepressant etc) plus the psychological therapy at the same time is the best duo. I wish that therapists for children were more available in the UK where we are. My son is being bullied at school yet he tells me ‘I don’t want to tell the teacher or you because then you will tell me not to play with them and then I have nobody to play with.’ So basically he puts up with being bullied, having his things intentionally broken etc because he still wants to join and play at break times with the lot who is unkind to him. It’s very frustrating for me, I tell him that he’d be better staying away from these kids, better off playing on his own or reading a book, or joining the few kids who don’t follow this stupid ‘group’ but he loves joining in and kicking the ball with this ‘unkind group.’ Very frustrating for me as I have never been like this as a kid, I always used to be my own person and not following any ‘groups’ or caring to fit in. And now I have a child who does follow and then gets bullied and doesn’t get a good insight into the situation even though I keep explaining to him that they are not worth it.

[Redpanda5]

Good advice from Pattimum. I would suggest two things:

1. Anti-depressants. My now 17yo daughter was really helped when she started taking these in middle school. Before them, her emotions were all over the place.

2. Involve her in a special interest group so she can find her people. These friends of hers who are cancelling on her don’t really sound like friends. What are her interests? There are school clubs, as well as community clubs. Church groups, etc. Connect her. Create more than one pocket of potential friends and see if one of them takes off.

After you’ve done these things it’s really up to her. Just be supportive, positive, and available to her when she’s frustrated. Parenting is hard!