I'm new here. My bio tells the story, but I'll repost it once more. My wife Julie and I's oldest son seems to get angry/emotional at the drop of a hat. He is fine one minute and then blows up the next. He is calm one moment and then another moment he is bouncing from one room to the next. When our son was around 9 years old, one of his teachers told us that "your son has symptoms consistent with ADHD." So without actually getting him evaluated we talked to his doctor about placing him on medicine. It worked for a little while, and then his behavior didn't seem to change, so we took him off it. The teachers made a point to tell us how much better behaved he was once we told them he was on medication, never mind the fact that he hadn't been on it for over 4 months. My wife dealt with the brunt of his behavioral issues due to my rotating 12-hour shifts. She is at her wits end and it placing him on medicine again. In her words, "I'm tired of him disrespecting me all the time." I'm not entirely sure what to do now, but I still think he needs to be evaluated before he is placed on the medicine. So getting to the point, if anyone has any ideas/tips that they would suggest. I would be glad to hear it. He's an amazing kid, we love him so much and we want him to get the help he needs.
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Bently231
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Welcome. We are excited you are joining the group and hope you get support.
What has really helped our son and I are to do therapy together. I am then able to bring up issues with the counselor and discuss the "disrespected tone" and other issues. We do this about once a month. I find that by the time we get to the next appt. I am ready to blow up..
They see the world so differently than we do and that is my struggle. I see ADHD as more of a motivation issue. To him sitting and watching youtube ALL DAY is a dream to him, mean while the house is on fire... I know I am exaggerating a little. ha ha. But it feels this way.
Thank you so much. We appreciate the assistance. I think starting, the feeling of being overwhelmed is setting in. I want to get him evaluated, and I was reading about counselors that specialize I think it's called parent-child interaction therapy. My wife and I don't have all the answers, and we can learn how to better interact with our son, so it doesn't turn into a shouting match or a battle of wills.
No, there isn't anything preventing him from getting evaluated, other than my wife and I are a bit overwhelmed, and not knowing where to start helping him has been our biggest obstacle. With all of the online reading material about ADHD, trying to build routines, and ensuring we are developing our parenting skills to help him, it feels like a lot, but it's worth it to figure out what works best for him. The other issue is that seeing a psychologist is a lengthy waiting period in my area, but we'll keep doing our best. Thank you for your reply.
maybe the reason why the medicine seemed to stop working is because your son is growing and his body is changing. W’ e needed to up my sons dose of medication almost every year as he is growing and changing. That has worked really well for him. It helps so much but I fear being disrespectful to parents is something that just doesn’t seem to go away. We expect our kids to be polite and use self-control all day at school with other people so I think when they get home to their safe place where they can relax it’s very hard for them to hold back with parents. That’s usually the case with most kids, especially those who don’t have a lot of impulse control. Hopefully you guys can find a good medication that helps though, it may be a process of trying out a few different medications though. Good luck! You guys are NOT alone in this
Hi! We struggle with many of the same issues that you are experiencing. It’s so hard! It does feel like you are at your wit’s end and just want to throw in the towel. How wonderful that your son has parents seeking help and support for him!
I’ve found that a formal evaluation gives peace of mind and opens up other therapy options through school and insurance. Those can really help a family! It can be hard to help manage behaviors behaviors without finding the underlying cause. For our family, having a formal diagnosis gave much peach of mind and made our path to treatment much easier.
One thing that has helped me personally (I was a teacher before I became a stay-at-home mom and was very worried about ‘labeling’ my child as ADHD) is learning about how ADHD can be such an asset to an individual…it is just learning how to manage it that makes the difference. It doesn’t have to be seen as a disability, just a different - and one that can really help people succeed later on in life!
Hi there! I cannot recommend ADHD Online enough - they do a thorough evaluation (no waiting time, you can do it on your computer at home, take breaks etc.) and then from there get feedback from a doctor that understands and knows ADHD. You can then follow-up with an MD in your state on follow-up care to decide if and what medications may be the best going forward. It'll help you and your family understand ADHD fully and how to help your son navigate life with this condition.
Do your best to learn everything about ADHD - it'll help you and your wife be more compassionate and understanding of his behaviors. Because of his emotional outburst (very common with both my ADHD girls), you can come at it from a place of figuring out what may be causing it (maybe he feels overwhelmed by social cues at school, trying to keep everything organized, or he did terrible on a test?) There are so many reasons he may be acting in that way, but they all have to do with his lack of executive function and the way his brain is wired.
Having a better understanding of it has made a world of difference for our family.
Thank You! I appreciate the reply back. I looked at ADHD online and can explore it more when I have some free time. That's all I have been doing lately, looking at all the medical papers/resources/etc. For ADHD and how my wife and I can use more effective techniques when working with our son to understand better where he is coming from so we can work together. Thanks again for the reply back. All of the responses have helped my wife and me tremendously.
It sounds so familiar - to hear how you describe how it’s on your wife. It is similar for us- my husband has to travel for work a lot. My son will do so much more for daddy, he will more likely do as he’s told when it’s daddy telling him, until then he doesn’t (eventual he gets to be oppositional to both of us) . For me - just a ‘no, I am not doing it’ all the time. Unbelievable but my son is not like that at school. At school he complies!
Medication does help but depends what medication you choose for your son- stimulants have to come out of the system daily and child can suffer then ‘rebound’. Since my son was switched to non stimulants meds he’s better for me to manage on my own- in the mornings and after school because non stimulants work on neurotransmitters in brain and they work round the clock balancing everything in the brain (well that’s wishful thinking as meds aren’t perfect, some days I think those meds don’t work at all😄).
Also one of the parents here recommended this website for parents called ImpactParents and there are helpful videos etc. for parents who have kids with ADHD. I occasionally watch or read something there. I never thought that anything like that would help but ‘Overcoming obstacles’ video I watched today (only a couple of minutes) it really clearly shows how kids with ADHD think and what ‘motivates them’. Something struck me when I was watching it- it’s because of my son’s ADHD I don’t have a friendly calm relationship with him- he’s oppositional to everything I ask him and I shout at him and then we make up, but he still doesn’t do what I ask him to do . And kids with ADHD will do stuff for people they like but they won’t do it for people they don’t like. I think my son doesn’t like me and to be honest I love him but sometimes I really don’t like him - because of how he behaves.
Your wife probably thinks -‘I do everything for him and he doesn’t play the ball back.’ Because that’s how it feels for us parents.
I think it’s okay to say these things- that we don’t like our children even though we love them so much. Then you can start healing the relationship. I started trying to heal this relationship since he’s on medication and it really is one step forward and 2 back.
I told him today many times that I’d like to be friends with him and that we can fix this relationship mum/son and I won’t shout and I ask him not to shout.
I noticed parents here say they do therapy with their kids together etc. I think had I had opportunity for this I’d go ahead. So if you can do therapy then go for it.
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