Can we talk about "stay home days"?

[TeacherMom14]

Can we talk about "stay home days"? Our 8 year old wants weekends to be "stay home days" where he never leaves the house. He calls them "stay home days," and I've heard that other families have children who with ADHD who do this and even call it the same thing! If this is like you, I have questions and would love some help!

How do you handle it when YOU are the one in the family who enjoys plans and going out? I feel many emotions from trapped to frustrated and numb. I also feel disappointed because I always wanted to do family activities, and it seems to be hard to impossible. I feel jealous of other families who seem to go out all the time or have full lives. I'm aware that it's more of a problem for me, so then, what are the best ways to cope with the situation? To me, a well-rounded life involves more than just staying home, so it would also help me accept this better if there is anyone with experience who can offer assurance that this works out for the child in the end as they grow up. Or, if there was some magic technique that worked, I'd love to hear it. We have plenty of supports, but this just seems to be a byproduct of so many things and apparently, quite common. I need help tolerating it and finding solutions to my personal beliefs about good ways to spend time.

[anymusic]

Just some thoughts, 😊

I think your sons wish is also an expression of his needs. After a school week he needs time to relax and to just be.

Do you note any difference after a weekend at home compared to a weekend with things happen and activities? If he is more recovered so to say after being at home its probably good.

Do you see any tendency of avoidance/resistance to leave home other days? I would pay attention to tendencies to self isolate.

And about you and your needs! If your kid is at home, can you do activities you like away from home anyway? By yourself or with a friend? Maybe your picture of the traditional family weekend is not the way for you and your family, not right now anyway. Understand your frustration of course!!

Family activities can also be stay home!! Watch tv, play computer games together, bake a cake, Follow your sons wishes for his perfekt weekend!

And what activities that you like can be stay home? Home spa, reading etc?

If you spend à LOT of time at home, maybe a small, well prepared, kids friendly activitiy is possible on school holidays. Ask your son to choose from fre options you think will work out good.

Take care!

[TeacherMom14 in reply to anymusic]

Thank you for the ideas! I have some inspiration from this that can help. I think some of it will change as he gets older, and the pandemic didn't help. He really does need the time to recharge, but I would like to see it be more balanced. Still, I think it's really what he needs now, and so we go with it. But yes! It can be hard to figure out.

[Momtrying]

Maybe camping in the yard every once in a while would be fun on your weekends. A real stay-cation. Have him come up with games from using things in the home? I know what do you mean about feeling like life is passing you by while other people are out doing fun things. But you just make the family activities your own and those will be the memories that your son remembers throughout his life. Maybe there is a hobby that You two could find that you like to do together at home. Life can still be very full even if you are not out exploring the world but you can explore the world of your family. Good luck!

[TeacherMom14 in reply to Momtrying]

You are right, and I really think this is less about him than me. He is loving his interests, and I need to stop worrying about what I feel he "should" do. I'm trying to accept his interests more.

[Aspen797]

My son definitely needs more time at home to re-center after a busy school week. I need time outside. Something a friend showed me was helpful for our family in being able to think and talk over how we individually and as a family want to spend our time: a wellness wheel. See theottoolbox.com/wellness-w.... I had never really thought about the way we spend our time being like spokes of a wheel. If one area is neglected or one area is over-emphasized, our life (wheel) gets out of whack. It sounds as though on a weekly basis your son is all filled up with the school stuff and really needs to focus his energy elsewhere. It might be helpful to walk through some of the other areas and see what examples of activities he can think up in other areas. Perhaps the majority of the weekend can be games and rest, but when you compare wheels, there is likely still room to add other activities that you both might enjoy in other areas.

[Desparate4Help]

Oh how I feel your pain! To get mine out of the house to go somewhere fun or to the grocery store or anything, has been a number one challenge since diagnosed when he was 4, now 11. Are there any ways I can suggest to cope, not really. I find myself now struggling even more since his dad wanted a divorce and I became a single mom 3 years ago. Sometimes, I have to tell him he has to go somewhere with mom today and we'll be back home soon, no details, but I do have to give him a heads up and a time-frame as to when to be ready, lots of times when he was younger I had to set up alarms for everything to prepare him for the next activity, sometimes still. I sit at times and just cry and hope that I am doing the best I can for my son, but at time I know we all feel like we are failing them, but I have to believe as I navigate through this crazy life and the challenge of an ADHD child I am doing a lot of things right, and know I make mistakes, but I persevere and I pray. There are so many out there who don't understand or even believe in ADHD and can be so negative and speak so negative, I have to keep myself from those who do not lift us up (my son and I) and encourage

[bear240 in reply to Desparate4Help]

Raising children with adhd can be overwhelming and I hope you have supportive people around you and yes avoid those who are judgemental.Something I find useful is to try to focus on the gains. Making it a habit. I also focus on the positive aspects of their personalities.

Mindfulness has also helped.

Best wishes for you.

[Game44]

Hello! My son also enjoys stay home days. If we are overscheduled or rushing to do things during the week, he just wants time on the weekend to “play”. If it happens to be a busier weekend than normal, he can be quite upset about not getting any “time off” before starting school for the week again. My son enjoys school but he does see it as something he has to do. If he had it his way, he would choose to be homeschooled!

I don’t have any advice for you because I too am a homebody. Sometimes I feel guilty because other families have plans to do things together and are always off on a new adventure but I’ve learned not to compare myself to them. My kids have the wonderful gift of being able to entertain themselves and do not rely on me to show them a good time. We all enjoy spending time outdoors so those are the kind of family outings we have. Walks, bike rides, gardening, the lake…

It does sound like your son needs the time to regulate. Are there ways your needs can be met outside of family plans? Would you enjoy more alone time or time with your partner or friends? I think it’s important for you to figure out how to meet your needs and lift the burden of your feelings of frustration and resentment. Lots of good advice from others who posted here.

[anymusic]

Just a thought about stay home days, does it tend to be much or little time for computer games/tv? I think for anyone time to be creative or to do nothing is important as well. 😊

[ADHD_DAD]

I have found that outdoor activities seem to count for stay at home days. He just needs a break from people and the stress of trying to focus all the time. If I take him hiking, kayaking, skiing , etc (really anything outdoors and the more in the woods the better) it seems to count as not being scheduled and getting a break. Helps me recharge, too. Nothing like fresh air and exercise with no schedule to re-energize a person!