Looking for support

[Nanatay]

Hello , I live in the Delaware, Ohio area and I have a 5 year old adopted grandson with severe adhd. It is tearing my daughter’s marriage and life apart and in turn, hurting my relationship with her . We desperately need help.

[Shamasamdrew]

Some general thoughts, but if you have something more specific you would like to share, you might get some more helpful responses. First, it sounds like he has a diagnosis, but if not, then please get him diagnosed by a professional. You can determine with the professional how to treat the ADHD. There are medications and there are other types of approaches. Do your research and commit to a treatment plan. If there are behavioral issues, everyone involved might want to get counseling and some help with discipline and behavioral interventions. Lastly, please consider an educational plan such as a 504 or IEP with his school. Put all of these things in play and you will have a better outcome.

[SolutionSeeker]

Hi there. I think a key thing that is more helpful that you might think is for parents, grandparents and caregivers to really get a good understanding of what ADHD is and how it works. In very general terms I'm sure you've witnessed hyper behaviour, boundless energy, difficulty following directions, lack of focus and probably some tantrums. But it's really helpful to know WHY ADHD would prompt these behaviours. I recommend you start with some YouTube videos by Dr. Russell Barkley. It gave me so much insight into the mind of the little guy with ADHD in my life. And in turn, helped renew my patience in trying times. It helps to know that because of the ADHD a lot of the choices little people make are not deliberate.

Another area you may want to begin exploring/paying attention to is helping the 5 year old through transitions. I don't mean big life changing transitions. I mean stopping one activity and starting another. This is a common challenge for many with ADHD. Try using timers that make fun noises to time out activities and offer lots of reminders of what's upcoming.

Try to notice when the little guy doesn't follow instructions because he's being defiant vs just getting distracted and needs to be gently redirected to what he is supposed to be doing.

And the hardest thing I'm personally dealing with is making sure I stay calm with the little guy is struggling to. No matter how loud he gets, I keep speaking softly. Offer a lot of space and time to calm down. Any little kid won't be able to calm down quickly. Even a bigger challenge for kids with ADHD.

And yes, different therapies and medications can also offer some support.

Good luck! Stay strong! Be kind to yourselves and especially to your daughter!

[momwifedaughtersis]

Adding one more voice of support - sorry your family is going through this. Although it can feel like it, in a world where everyone is posting pics of their ‘perfect’ families- you are not alone. And, know that with time and treatment, things can get better. It’s so, so hard when parents are clashing as well - my heart goes out to your family.

Totally agree on the Russell Barkley recommendation - his YouTube videos are great. One helpful concept is that ADHD kids are typically 2-3 years behind their peers in self-regulating their behaviors (so, your 5yo may be acting like a 2 or 3 year old). And, when they are acting out/having tantrums - it’s because they *can’t* meet the expectations that are being set for them. They simply don’t have the skills - Eg, to stop playing iPad and come to the table for dinner - their brains just can’t cope with the transition. It’s not the child’s fault, it’s not the parents’ fault - it just is (ideas from The Explosive Child by Ross Greene).

Wishing you all the best for better days ahead.

[HoldingonLou]

I am so sorry this is happening to your family. As for the adopted son, it starts with the identifying the problem. Did a psychiatrist diagnose the adhd? Usually a psychologist will do the testing to identify any conditions needing treatment. A counselor will evaluate and look for ongoing symptoms for the psychiatrist to write prescriptions for treatment. These three resources working together will help to work with the school to provide your son with an IEP for his success in school.As for your daughter, is this her son you have adopted? Have you considered seeking out family therapy from a counselor for you and your daughter? Even if your daughter doesn't agree, you will need a support system. Reach out online as often as you need. This will not be easy. Seek family and community support systems anywhere you can find it. Bless you.