Unsupportive hubby, Help? : Hi, I’m 3... - CHADD's ADHD Pare...

CHADD's ADHD Parents Together

14,577 members4,588 posts

Unsupportive hubby, Help?

Adhd_NDT3 profile image

Hi, I’m 37 years old, married since 2008, and we have a 7 year old daughter. I recently noticed some attention and impulsivity issues with my daughter, and suggested to my husband that we get her tested. I had realized shortly before this that I probably had adhd and my husband said that I self diagnosed so my opinion on this was moot.

In order to encourage him to get her tested, I went after my own diagnosis to prove to him that I wasn’t just making it up. I got diagnosed in May with combined type.

He still refuses to get her tested and thinks that I’m “Projecting my diagnosis” onto her. She behaves just like I did as a child in class and seems to be suffering from the same issues and I can’t convince him to at least get her tested. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to convince him?

6 Replies

My husband was very resistant to having my now 12-year-old son evaluated, but eventually he sort of came around (although he is reluctant to use the label "ADHD"). I think what helped was to hear from other professionals that our son needed some help. For example, hearing from the school psychologist, teachers and tutors that he had attention problems, that he wasn't focusing in class, etc. I eventually realized that I had to talk to the psychologist and teachers and ask them to be very direct with my husband. I tried to avoid using the word ADHD in my conversations, and instead just talked about identifying his learning issues and giving him the tools to succeed. It was definitely a long, frustrating process, but enlisting other professionals to convey the message was a big help.

Why do you want a diagnosis? Even without a diagnosis you can read about non neurotypical children and how to help them. Focus on using ADHD tools and letting him see that they help. The more he sees how much they help, the more he will be open to using them. From there, hopefully he will be open to more tools.

My wife was also reluctant for our son to be tested and treated. We both love our son just the way he is and don't want him to change. Her sister was very critical about people not being able to control their kids and then medicating them to keep them under control.

Reading and watching videos about ADHD has been magnificent. We were able to add structure and a reward system that was life changing for our home life. It really opened all of our eyes. A child that had to be dragged from bed and spanked for not cooperating was suddenly getting up and doing things on his own. All he needed was a laid out routine and a token. I also now realize that when he is asking if he did something right, he really really needs to know.

He has still been having issues at school and his kindergarten teacher said he needed help to be able to go to first grade. That is when we went to get a diagnosis. Not because we needed it, but because the school needs it.

Our son does better if he is allowed to stand during class. His teachers knew this but still made efforts to have him sit. In order to get an accommodation we needed to get a diagnosis. Also the doctor was able to offer more suggestions and set us up with social therapy.

Don't wait for a diagnosis. Do what you can for your daughter. It is not about labels and who's right or wrong. If your daughter needs help with attention and impulsivity; help her however you can. Use the tools/methods regardless of diagnosis.

On a side note, my niece has never been tested for ADHD but she does her homework while using an under table stationary bike. It really helps her. There is no arguing with results.

My issue is that I don’t necessarily want to medicate her, but I want her to have the tools she needs to succeed. Modern classrooms aren’t really conducive to children who have problems with focus. Daily chores, learning and accountability are all different for people with ADHD. I was fortunate in that I enjoyed learning and had a jealous thirst for knowledge. When things came easy to me I excelled. My daughter doesn’t have that same thirst for knowledge, so I can see that she is struggling, and if we identify the issue with the school, she can receive accommodations to help with her focus. I also don’t want her to blame herself and think she is “less-than” when she messes up because she believes she shouldn’t have these troubles. I already see her panic when she makes a mistake even though we are extremely forgiving. And on the note of medication, I take medication. I am not any less “me” than I was before. As a matter of fact I am significantly MORE me, because it’s as though all the scrambled thoughts have been (mostly ) unscrambled, so I can actually do things that are required of me. I am better able to prioritize things, because without the medication, ALL things are most important (from brushing my teeth to feeding my dog to that project at work). I have lowered anxiety due to the quieting of the mean inner voice telling me about everything I’ve failed at during every single task. She’s still there but she’s a lot easier to ignore.

When you say she doesn't have the "thirst" for learning,. I am curious if there is a very highly desired topic would she also lack drive?I also wonder, since you see how much medication helps you, why you don't want that for her.

It is very hard for children to learn to cope when they are unfocused and have impulsive behavior, because they are not taking medication.

An adult stated that ADHD is like having a bank of fog in their mind and taking medication blows the fog away.

Sidenote: telling my husband I was doing that is actually what brought on the argument. I said I’m trying to teach her coping methods and in doing that it will remind me to do it as well and he said “just let her live”.

Adding that her first grade teacher has already given her low marks for paying attention and participation. My daughter was in virtual learning this year but she was behaving as though, if the teacher wasn’t speaking directly to her, her part of class was done. She’d get up, wander around, go lay on the couch, color, etc.

You may also like...