After 3 months of trying no meds, my 10 year old boy deliberately stole from a store

[SFBiker]

TL;DR I have been trying no meds for 3 months and it's been hard. We have had many fights, he is struggling in school, and his behavior at home has been much worse than before we put him on medicine. Last night, at a store, he stole 2 things and tried to hide it from me. Has this happened to anyone else?

3 months ago during the Christmas break, I decided that it would be a good time to take my son off of medication. Last summer during his camp, he exhibited good behavior while not on medication. I figured a good bit of that is because he was not expected to sit in a classroom and not leave his desk for hours every day like he is during school. He truly thrived at the Summer camp, he slept well, was in a great mood and did not exhibit any bad behavior beyond what I would consider normal for his age. I did not medicate him during the Summer camp, so naturally I began thinking "Maybe it's time to take him off of it for good?"

He began taking medication at just 5 years old and it was not something I wanted to do. He was hyper, talkative, and had trouble focusing, but I do not believe that it would've affected his school work at the time and in fact during pre-K his teacher always had good things to say about him. After many arguments with his mother, I finally buckled and gave in. Since then, I have felt like my son was gone. Like he is just a shell of his former self. He was funny, charismatic, joyful, and a hoot. It killed me to watch him become what he did. He got straight A's in school about half the time over the last 5 years but I think the medication did more harm to him than good. The emotions he should've been faced with in the past were just being numbed by the medication and he never was forced to deal with them and now it shows.

Fast forward 5 years and after having a largely great experience without meds in an active environment during Summer camp, I have taken him off of his stimulant medication and his personality has returned for the most part, but I feel like he has the emotions of a 5 year old. He cannot take criticism, lies to me constantly, and throws full blown toddler-like temper tantrums. His grades have fallen somewhat but not so much that he's failing. I do think that school has an unrealistic expectation of kids in general, especially those with ADHD and ADD, but we have been able to work through a lot of the struggles.

Last night however I was appalled, saddened, and largely felt responsible for what happened. While at a store, we were shopping around for stuff and he was being very hyper, more so than normal, but that has happened when he doesn't sleep well, and it's been very apparent that he might still have a physical dependence on the stimulant. His legs shake, he cannot just walk normally, it is always at least a light jog, etc. This doesn't happen every day, but maybe once a week. I have also noticed that he is extremely impulsive when he is like this. Spills drinks, grabs stuff carelessly, trips on his own feet, etc.

After we left the store, we went to grab something to eat and he was in a bush and said "Look, someone dropped their brand new chapstick in the bush!" He put it in his pocket and decided to keep it. Because he didn't explicitly ask me for that at the store, I was suspicious but I believed him. While at the event we were going to, he took off his jacket and set it aside. After it fell to the ground, I reached down to pick it up and he grabbed it from me and said he'd like to hold onto it because "I am a preteen, I should have more responsibility." Now THAT was weird, but still I didn't suspect anything malicious, he has never been a malicious kid. During the event, it fell to the ground again and now because I didn't want it to be stepped on or forgotten in our seats, I grabbed it and put it with my jacket. While putting it up I discovered a bulge in the pocket. I reached in and he had a toy from the store we were at earlier. I understand that I probably overreacted, but I was in complete disbelief. I looked at him and asked him "Did you take this from the store?" and he attempted to lie to me again and say he forgot that he put it in his pocket and before he finished, I interrupted by saying "Don't you f****** lie to me right now!" and he fessed up. He admitted to stealing that and the chapstick earlier.

For the rest of the evening, I could hardly look at him. I was filled with a rage and sadness that I have never felt. I had and have so many questions. Why is he acting out? Is it me? Is it the lack of medication? Do I spoil him? Am I too hard on him? Is he going to end up in jail unless I put him back on medication?

I never should have allowed him to take medication, it prevented him from handling his urges, impulses, and emotions. Now that he has been on it for so long and is beginning a very emotionally turbulent time in his life, should I just keep him on it? Have any of you had a similar experience with a 10-ish year old? With or without medication? Seen this behavior as a result of something else?

I am so lost right now and have been fighting back tears since last night. I am sad for my son and worried that he will ruin his life. Looking at other dads with sons similar in age at the event last night, for the first time since my son was born, I actually wished my son was someone else. I wish he was like the other dads sons. He has lied to me before about eating snacks or playing video games but this was so deceitful and intentional that I was in shock.

Thanks for reading all of this and I appreciate the support.

[regardingtheboys]

I'm sorry you had such a hard day. Hang in there.

[Onthemove1971]

Thanks for your post. Many us have been in your shoes, with our child doing something appalling and being scared to think they will go to prison when they grow up...

First off, you said that there is/could be a physical dependency on medication. Children with ADHD ( and take medication) live part of their lives on medication ( when the type, dose and timing is right) with the same personality but without the symptoms. They then, when medication wears off they feel different slightly. Our son is 14yrs old and struggles to even know there is a difference for him when he takes his medication or doesn't.

By the way there are non-stimulant medications that are not controlled that you could really help your son, especially with the emotional control.

Here is the thing.. from what I have read and studied, children who take medication to help control their impulses are LESS likely to take drugs and do careless stuff.

Of course... no child should steal anything. But the reality is he did it , what these things always told me with our son is that things are not working and I have not given my child all the tools they need to be successful. As soon as I had the 3 tools dialed in with consistently we had success.. and sucess leads to more success.

I have good news, studies show ADHD gets "better" meaning they learn how to cope better..

Here is the bad news.. it will get much harder for a number if years, freshman year in high school has been the best for us.

Children with ADHD make dumb mistakes and years later when asked why our son dis these things he said he doesn't know why. But that is in the past and we have fingers crossed he is on a great road ahead.

I know I have said a lot, but if you have not seen a child psychiatrist, I recommend one so they can counsel you on what is best for your son and get advice about what medications could help him. Getting him in control ( which still needs to be worked on when they are on Medication. Since medication on "stops" %60 of the symptoms, the rest will need other techniques.

Hope this helps so..

[SFBiker in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you. I have been reaching out to a therapist and to his psychiatrist about alternate medications. Maybe we just haven't found the right ones for his needs.

I really appreciate your insight on this issue. It's a tough feeling and I want my son to feel like himself without putting himself in harms way.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to SFBiker]

Gettint the therapist set up is a great idea...

When thinking about medication ( of course, not all kids are successful on them) there are stimulants ( Ritilin, adderall, etc) and there are medications for foucs/emotional regulation. Our son functions best with both. He takes Ritilin in the Am( and a booster dose in the afternoon) and Guanfacine at bedtime ( this is a 24 hour dose).

I try to think to my self

"Today we tackle today" and the future is to far away.

You are an incredible mom and love your son. The stress our kids are under to perform like children without ADHD is a lot.

I hope being in the group and knowing we have lived through a lot should give you comfort.

Be well..

[Mpd7059]

I have (now) gratefully accepted that medication for ADHD or any other neurological issue is like taking medication for Type I diabetes - it is necessary to achieve the baseline functioning of the majority of the population that doesn’t have the underlying condition requiring medication. We started my son on medication (10mg LA Ritalin) and it has been a life changing experience for the better. He may or may not be on it forever, it all depends on whether or not there could be a treatment (gene therapy perhaps) that can correct the underlying neurological condition that causes ADHD. That’s okay, he needs it like some people need insulin or like other people may need anti-seizure medications. It seems that you are in the Bay Area - have you looked into Cortica?It has been a God-send - check them out, they have a center in Marin. They don’t only do meds but also comprehensive and integrated therapies for ADHD as well as Family Wellness (support).